College Bowl Picks Part I

It's the bowl season. I'm not doing my picks based on point spreads, because I think it's nuts to bet on most bowl games. Too many variables screw up how they play out. Some teams have been off a month or more. Some teams are pumped to just be in a bowl, while others thought they would be in a better bowl and just may not be into it.

Instead of doing my bowl game picks all at once, I'm breaking it down into at least two sections. It might seem that I'm just being prudent by waiting until closer to game time to make selections. After all, the Fiesta Bowl has certainly changed with West Virginia's coach leaving for Michigan, and some Florida State players may end up suspended for the Music City Bowl. However, the fact is I don't have a lot of time at the moment, and bowl games start in two days. So, here are my picks for bowls between through December 30 (winners in italics):

Poinsetta Bowl (Dec 20): Utah vs. Navy - Navy lost their head coach to Ga. Tech, but kept their offensive coordinator who also specializes in the option. So offense should still be good. Utah's offense got a lot better as the season went on, but it still isn't in the same league as Navy's. Still, I'm picking Utah because their defense is a lot better than Navy's
New Orleans (Dec 21): Fla. Atlantic vs. Memphis - Memphis is hot after winning five of their last six games. Four of FAU's losses were to BCS conference teams. Their one conference loss was to LA-Monroe who also beat Alabama. Being the sentimental type, I'll go with former UL coach Howard Schnelleberger's FAU team.
Papajohns.com (Dec 22): Cincinnati vs. Southern Miss - I don't believe in karma, but Southern Miss deserves to lose for forcing out coach Jeff Bowers who has made them one of the most successful mid-major football programs in the country while spurning bigger name schools attempts to get him to leave. But I think they lose anyway because Cincinnati is a better team.
New Mexico (Dec 22): New Mexico vs. Nevada - This is a home game for New Mexico which is an edge. Nevada has a very potent offense which is an edge. I think the Mountain West Conference is better than the WAC. Add to that the fact that Nevada has a lousy defense and I'm taking New Mexico.
Las Vegas (Dec 22): BYU vs. UCLA - UCLA beat BYU in week 2, but they swooned after that, while BYU went on a roll. Outcome will be different this time.
Hawaii (Dec 23): East Carolina vs. Boise State - Odd to see the Hawaii Bowl without Hawaii. The bowl committee likes having them because most schools have trouble sending fans. I would like to pick East Carolina in this game because they knew they weren't taking any fans, so they set up a system for their fans to buy a ticket, get a commemorative souvenir ticket and have their seat given to a serviceman stationed in Hawaii. Still, I can't see them beating Boise State.
Motor City (Dec 26): Central Michigan vs. Purdue: Much like the Las Vegas Bowl, this is a rematch from earlier in the season. While Purdue thumped CMU then, there's evidence that the rematch could be different. Purdue's slumping, CMU is surging and it's a neutral site. I'm going with different.
Holiday (Dec 27): Arizona St. vs. Texas: While I think Texas is overrated, I think Arizona State has struggled in big games this year. Take Texas.
Champ Sports (Dec 28): Boston College vs. Michigan State - I'm not big on the ACC this year, but I don't think much of the Big 10 either, so in theory, the second best ACC team should be better than a mid-pack Big 10 team. However, this is the classic Happy To Be Here (Michigan St hasn't been to any bowl in 4 years) vs. Sucks To Be Here (BC was planning for the Orange Bowl). Still, I think BC has the talent to win this and will.
Texas (Dec 28): Houston vs. TCU - Truly is the Texas Bowl. Fortunately, I'll be back in town on the 28th so I can watch it (the folks don't have NFL Network). Houston can score, but not play defense. TCU can play defense, but can't score like Houston. Houston lost their coach. TCU underachieved this year. Still, it's an easy call. It's a de facto TCU home game, and they are tough at home.
Emerald (Dec 28): Maryland vs. Oregon St. - Oregon State finished third in the PAC-10, while Maryland was 6-6 in a weak ACC. Still, with wins over Rutgers and BC, Maryland is Jekyll and Hyde, so I'm not sure I would pick against them. On the other hand, it's a west coast game, so I think Hyde will show up. Take Oregon St.
Meineke Car Care (Dec 29): UCONN vs. Wake Forrest - Another de facto home game for one team - Wake. UCONN only beats weak teams on the road. However, Wake doesn't beat ranked teams this year, and UCONN is ranked 25. UCONN is kind of a fraud. They had no quality road wins. Going with Wake.
Liberty (Dec 29): Miss St vs. Central Florida - Yeah, Sylvester Croom...first black football coach in SEC.....coach of the year.....yadayadayada. Croom got coach of the year for exceeding expectations. Watch this for one guy - Kevin Smith. He can flat out run. Go with Central Florida.
Alamo (Dec 29): Penn State vs. Texas A&M - Penn State is usually tough in bowl games. Texas A&M finished the regular season by beating Texas. And firing their coach. Of course, they beat Texas to finish last season before getting spanked in their bowl. I don't think either team is very good, but I'll take Joe Paterno.
Independence (Dec 30): Colorado vs. Alabama - This would be a good game....if we were still in the early 90s. We're not. We've got two mediocre 6-6 teams. Colorado lost two of their last four. Alabama lost their last four including to Louisiana-Monroe. Bama isn't very good.

This Week's Update

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate sportswriters? Well, I've never liked Stephen A. Smith. Just because you scream a lot doesn't mean you are making a good point. He's now moved to the top of my list of most disliked sportswriter. Why? He launched a diatribe against people who write about sports on the internet. People like me. He says, "someone with no training should not be allowed to have any kind of format whatsoever to disseminate to the masses to the level which they can." Let me repeat part of it - "should not be allowed". I guess if Smith ever gets elected emperor then I'll have to go underground as I will be forbidden to write about sports. It's always nice when a reporter decides that the First Amendment only applies to him. So, I think I'll just tell Smith to go perform an obscene act on himself.

Besides, what training is Smith talking about? He mentions ethics, but there's been quite a run of unethical journalists in recent years. I remember when Pat Forde was suspended for six months from his Louisville Courier-Journal sports column for an ethical violation, but that didn't stop ESPN.com (Stephen A. Smith's employer) from hiring him. Does Smith think you have to have a Journalism degree to write about sports? Yeah, right. That just means he can compose a better sentence than me. That doesn't mean he knows what he's talking about. It is Stephen A. Smith who was being paid to cover the NBA draft, but was completely unprepared for some of the picks.

I think one of the best things about "untrained" people writing about sports on the internet is that they don't fall prey to the group mindset that reporters often fall into. How many stories seem to make "common knowledge" assumptions? Before the 2006 draft, everybody (and I mean everybody) in the press assumed Reggie Bush was the can't miss player and Houston was a bunch of idiots for passing on him. Well, some are now changing their tune. Actually, I know of one "untrained" person who questioned whether or not Reggie Bush would be anointed one. There also seems to be a lemming effect about who or what reporters mention. For years, they avoided all mention of the possibility of steroids in baseball. Then when it finally came out that there could be a story there, there were a lot of names mentioned in speculation, but some names (like Roger Clemens) never seemed to come up even if an "untrained" person wondered why. Strangely enough, the name Roger Clemens has now come up. Of course, I'm willing to bet that he denies it. I'm also willing to bet a lot of baseball writers will still believe him.

Should I be happy that a teacher from England was sentenced to 15 days in a Sudanese prison (since pardoned) for allowing her elementary schools students to name the class teddy bear "Muhammad" which some thought was an insult to Islam? I guess since she could have been sentenced to the lash and a lot of people (in and out of the Sudanese government) thought she should have been executed for it. Truthfully, I think she was an idiot. Not for letting the class name the bear, but for thinking she was involved with rational people in the Sudan. People like her and the politicians who went down there from England are enablers to the whole radical Islamic mindset. Look at the statements they made after she left the country. She apologized for causing "distress" and she didn't intend to offend anyone. WTF? The member of Parliament was concerned it would hurt relations between the countries (I'm always concerned with the relations between my country and psycopathic, murderous backwater regimes). I half expect Britain to apologize for this. Let me make my position crystal clear. I don't care if she did intentionally try to insult Islam by naming the bear Muhammad. Civilized societies don't threaten death on people for that. Name me the last time a "Christian" country put someone on trial for blasphemy against Christ? Or had thousands of people taking to the streets screaming for that person's death? We constantly condone this behavior from Muslims (well, I don't), but then act surprised when they continue to do crap like this (once again, I don't).

Let's face it. It has become routine for Muslims around the world to whip themselves into a lather over something trivial. It has gotten to the point that it's almost impossible to parody it. Sure, they'll ignore or justify antisocial behavior by their fellow adherents. Murder your daughter for the way she dresses. Hang children. Blow up a schoolbus. No reason to take to the streets over that. Now, a soccer uniform with a red cross on it. That's going to bring a lawsuit. And once again the press takes these people's complaints seriously. And so do their enablers. Instead of trying to come up with some excuse why this guy shouldn't be offended, how about using the truth to tell this guy why he shouldn't be offended? I'm tired of this PC revisionist history crap about the Crusades. Islam was spread throughout the Middle East by the sword. It began on the Arabian peninsula. Jerusalem is not on the Arabian peninsula. Muslims did not show up with Mayflower moving vans and buy houses in the Holy Lands. They invaded. The Crusades were a response to the invasion, and an attempt to keep Muslims from invading farther into Europe. Muslim hands were not clean during the Crusades (or prior to the Crusades). But if they want to claim offense about events from centuries ago, let's let others do the same. I think the Israelis should begin killing all Muslims in their territories as payback for Banu Qurayza. Sounds fair.

"Serial Killer Fed Prostitutes To Pigs". Normally, that title should tell it all. Man was convicted of killing six hookers or junkies (suspected of many more) he picked up and feeding them to his pig. I don't see why the "feeding to pigs" part of the story is such a big deal. He's probably an environmentalist who is just into recycling. Plus, they think he killed over 60 women, so you have to figure he doesn't have a lot of time to go pig feed shopping. I think it just shows the violent nature of Canadians. Actually, I'm not sure I'm as disturbed over his actions (hey, there are crazies everywhere) as by the jurors who should be somewhat normal. They convicted him for killing the six, but it was for "second degree murder, which means they did not believe the killings were planned." WTF? I might buy that if it was one dead hooker. I mean, who among hasn't accidentally killed a prostitute and fed her to livestock to hide the evidence? But once you have to use your off hand to count the victims, I think it's safe to assume some planning was going on.

Ah, another global warming conference. In a resort in Southeast Asia. Probably attended by a lot of people not in Southeast Asia. In fact, my guess is most came from Europe and the United States which is pretty far away. Wonder how much pollution they generated flying over? Oh, don't have to wonder anymore. I'll let you in on a little secret. There's this thing called web-conferencing where people can meet and discuss things without leaving their office. Oh well, at least it gives Al Gore a chance to make another speech blaming the U.S. for everything even if it's something he could have just put on Youtube. But Gore has to do this because the science is settled and all the scientists are in agreement. Even if it isn't, and they aren't. Hey, Al Gore can't worry about that. He's got to make some cash to keep up the lavish lifestyle he's become accustomed to.

Nice to see the Dutch are becoming big on disposable products. Too bad this case was about an adopted daughter. A diplomat and his wife adopted a baby Korean girl, and then decided she didn't fit their "lifestyle" when she became 7 years old, so they dumped her on the Korean community of Hong Kong even though she doesn't speak Korean. I'll let you in on a little secret. Just because you are born of a certain heritage doesn't mean you inherently know the language. At least these clods recognize the trauma involved. Well, their own trauma which I'm is much worse than that of a young girl abandoned by the only family she's ever known. I hope his next duty station is in New Guinea and he gets eaten by cannibals. How's that fit in your lifestyle, jerkass?

Will Smith says he wants to run for president. He's black and a Hollywood star. I wonder which party's nomination he'll go for? I see he's saying that George Bush hasn't created universal health care or ended homelessness. I guess he forgot neither happened in the previous eight years before George Bush became president. Or that since federal law forbids emergency rooms from evicting sick people, there is technically universal health care. Just not universal health insurance. But either way, a line from the article shows that Smith wouldn't be able to get through the primaries to gain the nomination. He says he doesn't believe Bush is evil. The Democratic base will not stand for someone who doesn't believe such a basic tenet of their party.

Rather bizarre story here. A Japanese man was going around spitting coffee on uniformed schoolgirls. He was apparently nicknamed "Coffee Bukake Man". If you don't know what bukake is, I'm not going to tell you. I will warn you not to do an internet search on the word from work. Interestingly enough, the last incident before he was caught took place on Pearl Harbor Day. Frankly, I'm shocked at this guy. Coffee is pretty expensive and shouldn't be wasted in such a way. When I'm with Japanese schoolgirls, I shower them with........well, let's move on to the next report.

Tony Parker and Eva What'shername have come out denying the claims of a French model (probable part time prostitute) that said she's been having an affair with Parker. Now, I don't really care (a pro athlete cheating on his wife isn't exactly news), but I'm angry with the alleged mistress. The who....er, model claims that Parker said "Eva, sexually speaking, does not want to do certain things." What certain things? Let him go backdoor? Invite a homeless woman in for a threesome? Wear Tim Duncan's jersey while they have sex? If you're going to mention that part of it, you have to give us details.

Since it's Christmas, I think a mention of toys would be appropriate. The Atari 2600 was recently inducted into the Toy Hall of Fame. I think it was well deserved. The graphics look like crap now, but at the time, they were stellar, especially since the previous game system, Pong, was two lines and a square ball. Actually, I played games on an even older system one summer when my mom brought home a PET computer from her school. It was before floppy disks which meant your games were stored on a cassette tape. Made it hard to find that Moonlander game.

Probably a good thing that the book showing how to make weaponized Lego toys wasn't around when I was working at Toys R Us. Probably would have been a lot of Lego Mindstorms crap in the RGD bins.

College Football Travesty

Unfortunately, I can't talk about UL getting a lesser bowl game as the travesty. UL didn't get a bowl game period and certainly didn't earn one. Weird feeling for the end of the year. It's the first time in eight years that I haven't been planning a trip somewhere for late December/early January. Whether Mobile, Memphis, Jacksonville or Miami, I was always going somewhere. Amazing what one wrong hire can do to you. From 12-1 with an Orange Bowl win to 6-6 even though the team had returned just about all of their offensive stars and a good chunk of the defense. Sad. I remember when UL had a really good football team. It was January. Oh well, at least I have my memories.



Now, the travesty is the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) that was supposed to decide a national champion. It routinely fails and this year was no exception. A couple of weeks ago Ohio State finished their season, and most thought they had no chance at the BCS Championship Game. Then Kansas, LSU, Missouri, and West Virginia all lost. Suddenly, Ohio State was back in because they only had one loss. Since the only undefeated team is Hawaii who played a really poor schedule (and didn't really look good in a lot of wins), most would assume Ohio State deserves a place in the BCS title game. I don't think they are that good, but I guess that's the system.

The interesting thing was the question of who they would play. Going into the last week, the BCS standings were headed by Missouri, WVU, Ohio St and Georgia. Missouri and WVU lost, and Georgia didn't play. So, did Georgia get the other spot? No way in Hell. Surprisingly voters actually put LSU ahead of Georgia. Makes sense. LSU also has two losses, and as a bonus, they actually won the SEC title game. Over Tennessee. Which means if voters had stuck with their usual inertia, Georgia would have stayed ahead of LSU and been in the BCS title game even though they didn't even win their division, let alone the conference. I was actually hoping Georgia would get in just to help bring down this stupid system.

However, does this mean they got it right? Well, not exactly. Why LSU? Kansas only has one loss. Of course, they didn't win their division or conference either, so no. There are several other two loss teams. Missouri and Arizona State didn't win their conference so toss them out with Georgia and Kansas. Virginia Tech won the ACC and has only two losses, but they lost to LSU earlier this year, so can't jump them. USC, West Virginia and Okahoma all won their conference with two losses. Heck, WVU and Oklahoma both lost their second game when their starting quarterback got hurt early in a close loss (WVU also lost QB Pat White in their first loss). Why should LSU get in ahead of them? LSU may have lost both their games in multiple overtimes, but they have looked shaky in just about all their games since September and were lucky to pull some of them out.

This is the big problem with the BCS versus a playoff. Too much of a snapshot at certain points in the season. Two years ago, the Steelers won the Super Bowl. They entered the playoffs as a 6 seed because they lost some games during the middle of the season. They lost those games when Ben Roethlisberger was hurt. By the end of the season, it was a totally different team. I think WVU can beat anybody with Pat White on the field, and he would be back for a playoff. Plus, I actually think Georgia would have beaten LSU in the SEC title game if they had played them. I think Georgia is a better team right now than LSU and would go farther in a playoff. The regular season has to count for something, but with so many possible teams, it's a joke to pluck just one out.

There's another problem that could result from the BCS system which has been alluded to at times, but doesn't get enough press - officiating. College officials are hired by the conferences. Conferences have a vested interest in getting their team into the BCS title game or as an at large in one of the other big money BCS bowls. As employees of the league, officials may make "judgement calls" in late season games to make sure the conference gets what it wants. Kansas coach Mike Mangino flat accused Big 12 referees of thinking about Texas' BCS chances when a very suspect late game pass interference call went against the Jayhawks. In the West Virginia/Pitt game, there were some very suspect holding calls against Pitt as WVU was trying to mount a comeback. I'm not saying the referees were consciously making those calls (Big East officials are notoriously incompetent), but as long as this system is in place, it's a distinct possibility.

Happy Thanksgiving

Start off with a turkey story. In New Hampshire, a turkey farmer has his birds drink beer to give them some weight. I don't really have a problem with that except it shows him giving the turkeys Coors. They're friggin' turkeys. Give them Milwaukee's Best. Actually, it's not that great of a story. It just gives me an excuse to again link to the greatest turkey moment in sitcom history.

On to other news. I'm sure all lawyers dream of getting appointed to their state supreme court so they can get cases just like this one. Who wouldn't want the power to decide if trying to hump a store mannequin is indecent exposure if he isn't trying to do it in front of other people? Now, I've been drunk and horny. In fact, I'm drunk and horny right now. However, I'm positive (well, mostly positive) that I've never reached the point of trying to get a little from a mannequin.

Down in Florida, some people reported seeing an orangutan running around in their woods. Wildlife officials got involved. They concluded it was a fox squirrel. Might think about bringing the DEA to that neighborhood. Here is a fox squirrel. And here is an orangutan. I can see where the confusion came from. Whenever I scratch myself in public, I inadvertently grope 16 year old girls. I get confused easily while doing that.

But at least I don't wear a nun's habit.

While I was wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, it's actually the day after which is when everyone goes shopping. Except me. The thought of fighting crowds like that drove me to the couch today. Well, that and laziness. Still, it means Christmas is here. Well, the fact that some stores were putting Christmas stuff up around Halloween should have already clued people in. And what comes with Christmas. Stories about political correct stupidity regarding Christmas. First was Australia where department store Santas were told to use Ha,Ha,Ha instead of Ho,Ho,Ho because a ho could be frightening to children (especially if she has herpes). Oh, and ho is a demeaning term for women in America. I'm sure those Santas were only a short step away from greeting children with a "Yo, bitch".

Then in England, a local school has decided to put Santa in green because the students might think of Coca-Cola. Let me repeat that. A school has decided not to put Santa in his normal red and throw away 200 years of history and tradition because students might think of a soft drink. WTF? How retarded are the people running this school? Why not ban the playing of soccer at the school because students might think of Umbros? When I think of commercialization at Christmas, Coke falls pretty low on the list. Oh, and it doesn't say much for the history department that the school really believes Santa in a red suit is the result of product marketing. Or say much for them that nobody bothered to check and find out they are full of crap.

I'll admit I don't really know too much about the music of Amy Winehouse. With my constant reading of news websites, I am well aware that she is English white trash. An unrepentant junkie who sings songs about not getting her junkieness fixed and has nervous breakdowns about her unrepentant junkie husband getting locked up. Oh, and her big ass hair freaks me out. Yet, I still can't bring myself to agree with the UN that her drug use is leading to instability in Africa.

In fact, I blame Africa's problems on Africa, especially after I read the story of the witchdoctor and the diesel fuel in Zimbabwe. Well, she is "spirit medium" which doesn't sound as backwards-ass as witchdoctor. But the backwards-ass is still there. This woman claimed she to be able to get diesel fuel from a rock which she did by hitting the rock with a stick. She just so happened to do it in front of a bunch of government ministers who turned around and gave her a bunch of money and took a year to figure out they had been fooled. The fact that these morons are running a country (into the ground) is why many parts of Africa are a basket case. There wasn't one skeptic in the bunch to actually take a closer look at the rockand notice a pipe? This wasn't a Jed Clampett story where oil was struck on the surface of the ground. These dumbasses actually believed refined fuel was coming out of the ground because she hit it with a stick.

Several men convicted of Madrid train bombings in 2004 have gone on a hunger strike. Frankly, I don't see the problem here.

I mentioned previously a man who was arrested for trying to get 911 to pick up some beer for him. Well, everyone had a good chuckle over that one, but this story out of Wisconsin shows the tragic results that can come about when a man doesn't get his emergency supply of beer. The guy was mad because his wife wouldn't bring him some more beer. So, he shoots one of their pet goats. I don't know why he's being charged with it. Goats are livestock (except in parts of the Middle East where they are sex objects). He should have just eaten it.

How sweet. Paul McCartney's gimpy soon-to-be ex-wife is forcing her way into the news by ripping into rich people. You know. Like her estranged husband, and herself if she gets the amount of money she's going after in the divorce. My first thought was surely she couldn't be so stupid that she thinks no one will recognize the hypocrisy in her position that five years of sex with an aging rock star should be worth $100 million. Then you read further and find that she thinks she's on par with great humanitarians from the past who were punished for their beliefs. And what are her beliefs? Well, she is a vegetarian, and everyone knows they face incredible persecution. Oh, and she seems to think that a mediocre model/soft core pornster/high priced call girl turned gold digger has some kind of moral authority. Exactly what did she ever do besides marry a former Beatle that would endear her to any segment of the population outside of fellow amputees in need of inspiration (if their aspirations are to marry someone very wealthy)?

Just The News

A man is in trouble for repeatedly calling 911 to ask them to bring some more beer to his house. I don’t see why he’s in such trouble. It was obviously an emergency. And what did they want him to do? Drive out and get it himself? That would have been irresponsible. Look what happened to this guy. He even had a designated driver. His drunken 13 year old son. This is just an example of poor parenting. My father never would have let this happen. I wouldn't have been allowed to go drinking with him until I could afford to chip in.

Those drunk asses were probably mourning what is about to happen in Tennessee. The state may end up destroying hundreds of bottles of Jack Daniels for being sold without a license. Some are antiques worth $10,000. Typical friggin' government. They'll probably try to raise taxes while destroying something valuable.

Best birthday ever. A mistake by an entertainment agency caused a stripper to be sent to school for a student’s birthday instead of the “gorillagram” ordered. What is a gorillagram and who would want one? Anyway, the stripper put the guy on leash and led him around the room after stripping to her underwear. It was only as she was trying to make the student rub some cream on her rear that the teacher stepped in and ended it. Which bring a couple of questions to mind. Did the stripper not realize she was at a high school and there could be a mistake? Did the teacher really need to wait until that point to put a stop to it?

Awhile back I wrote about the young woman who was almost thrown off a Southwest Airlines flight for wearing an outfit the stewardess deemed too revealing (it wasn't even close). Well, she's back in the news. She's profiting off the notoriety of the incident to get a Playboy spread. I think if she can get some money out of it, good for her. I think this could be an ongoing news report that I personally should keep up with. Maybe I should get a subscription to that magazine so I don't accidentally miss it. For research purposes only.

This story shows why I stopped picking nuns up in bars (other than the fear of burning in Hell). You have a little too much to drink. Your stuff doesn’t work. They jam something up it. If I had a dollar for every time this happened to me………

I’m not a Catholic, so whether they want to have female priest is entirely up to the Vatican. However, I find this story quite confusing. Some group of rabble rousing women is trying promote that cause by having themselves ordained into the Catholic Church. The fact that the Church doesn’t recognize those ordinations and in fact, may excommunicate them means to me that they aren’t really being ordained into the Catholic Church. That’s neither here nor there. What gets me is that a Jewish Reform congregation is allowing the ordination to be done at their synagogue. The article mostly deals with the fact that it will kill any working relationship people that synagogue and the local Archdiocese, but the bigger question is why would you allow your consecrated worship area to be used for a ceremony of a completely different religion?

Here’s a wonderful story. It’s another tale that explains why Johnny can’t read or do simple math. Our school systems are run by idiots. A kid wears a ghost costume for Halloween. Some people think it could look like a Klan outfit. He gets suspended for two days because in the words of the superintendent, “Whether it was meant to be a ghost costume or not, it was not interpreted that way.” So, basically, this school system suspended a student for two days because someone may misinterpret his costume? Am I the only one who thinks this is completely friggin nuts?

Whenever I see another story about a female teacher bumping nasties with an underage male student, I'm always struck by how different it is than when a male teacher drops one on a female student. First, female teachers don't seem to get the same level of punishment as a male teacher. Even better, they often play the victim and say they fell prey to a 13 year old romeo. The other difference is that male teachers appear to just want a little nookie. Female teachers seem to fall in love. With teenage boys. Maybe this is why Johnny can't read. His teacher is a hormonal wreck. Now, here's a different, yet interesting take on the latest teacher spreading for love.

I'll keep this story in mind the next time I hear some left wing Ivy League intellectual say he does support the U.S. troops. In the hometown of Harvard University, a local boy scout troop set up donation boxes at polling places to collect items for care packages for American soldiers. There was a complaint that these donation boxes were "pro-war" so they were removed. Apparently, sending Snickers to a soldier sitting in the desert is the height of militancy. The mayor is quoted as saying it was a mistake and the council will help them realize their goals. Translation: let's do something before we look like bigger horse's asses than we already do. Reminds me of a quote from William F. Buckley: "I'd rather entrust the government of the United States to the first 400 people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of Harvard University."

Well, the military has said it is stopping the beard-shaving-as-punishment for captured terrorists at Gitmo because the Muslims were getting enraged by the humiliation. Oh, the horror of getting a shave. Let's see. We're talking about a group of people who like to cut people's heads off, subjugate non-males and non-Muslims, punish rape victims, issue death decrees against authors (among many others), blow up schoolchildren (among many others), fly planes into skyscrapers and many other less than wholesome pursuits. Frankly, I'm having trouble mustering too much sympathy for them getting their beards shaved. But if that's what is bothering them, fine. Next time they a bag of crap on a guard, don't cut off their beard. Break their arm. Now everyone is happy.

This Week In Sports

I was originally going to ignore UK basketball's little hiccup (okay, vomit might be a better word) against Gardner-Webb. Sure, it was embarrassing for the local team. Sure, it led to some funny moments at work the next day as UK fans overreacted. Really, the number of booze and sex related rumors that were being spread (remember, these were UK fans spreading the rumor, not me) were quite varied. The rumor that he's had multiple drunken pullovers without getting a DUI and ended up getting university supplied driver wouldn't be that surprising. He does have a history there. The sex rumors have certainly run the gamut. There's one about him getting caught picking up a hooker in an alley. I'm sure that would have already been out, but even if true, it shows poor judgment. He can afford much better than a street whore. Then, there was the rumor he preferred boys to girls which could explain his obsessive practicing. More practice = more showers. Most likely this would lead to a few problems among the UK fan base. The last rumor was that he picked up two 19 year old girls and tag teamed them at a hotel. Can't really think of anything else to say except "way to go, dude".

But I figured it still wasn't that big a deal. Sure, Gardner-Webb was a 9 win Atlantic Sun team last year that had no business beating a UK especially so handily. But I wrote after Tubby Smith left that due to a lack of personnel, I thought UK was going to struggle this year anyway (which is one of the reasons I thought Smith jumped ship) so my expectations for them were pretty low. I thought the fact that they were ranked to start the season was a joke. They weren't even receiving votes at the end of last year, and I didn't think they would any better this year. They lost their entire front line and top backup at center (for what the giant Pole was worth). When I saw that sophomore walk-on Mark Coury (he played 20 minutes last year - total) was starting, I thought someone was nuts. Then I realized there really wasn't anyone else. UK's interior is either young (Patterson) or sucks (the rest).

In fact, I wonder how bad this team would be without the freshmen. Patrick Patterson and Alex Legion are already two of the better players, but they are screwed by some of the returning players. Guys like Ramel Bradley and Joe Crawford are ball hogs who haven't seen a bad shot they won't take. God forbid they pass that up to give the ball to someone else. Maybe if Derrick Jasper ever gets back, there will be someone to pass the ball to Patterson who is probably their best player. The last reason I thought the loss to Gardner-Webb wasn't a big deal is Jodie Meeks was playing poorly. I think based on his play at the end of last year, UK's success could follow how well he plays. Oh wait, that could be a problem.

Well, Barry Bonds was indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice for lying before a grand jury investigating his steroid supplier. A lot of people thought he wasn't going to be charged, but they were wrong. Kind destroys his argument that his home run record wasn't tainted. But really, who honestly believed he was clean? The fun from the story was watching the talking heads "discuss" it on ESPN. Stephen A. Stupid claimed that the only reason a team wouldn't take a chance on Bonds now is his skills have declined, but if he was still a great player, someone would sign him. Brilliant. How's that federal indictment affecting Michael Vick's career? Then Charles Barkley was interviewed (always go to the basketball analyst when discussing a baseball player). Among his paranoid rantings was that Bonds was being persecuted because Jason Giambi wasn't indicted for steroids, but Bonds was. He was oblivious to the fact that Bonds hasn't been charged with using 'roids, just lying about his dealings with Balco. Word on the street is that Giambi spilled everything to the grand jury. Barkley also bitched that Bonds is being treated differently than other suspect players (he needs to ask Mark McGwire how is Hall of fame bid is going) and why is this steroid stuff only leaked on Bonds (Paul Byrd might have an argument with that). Barry Bonds is an arrogant, ass whose dirty deeds caught up with him.

In other baseball news, Alex Rodriguez just agreed to re-sign with the New York Yankees for 10 years and $279 million. That was in spite of George Steinbrenner's kids who run the team now saying they didn't want Rodriguez because he opted out of his contract (he had three years left) which proved he didn't really want to be a Yankee. Now the Steinbrenners are spinning that Rodriguez could have gotten more money on the open market so by taking less to re-sign, he's proven that he really does want to be a Yankee. Yeah, right. That's a load of bull. No one pays more than the Yankees. The other argument being thrown out is Rodriguez's agent Scott Boras screwed up by having him opt out because he overestimated the market for his client, and he's essentially getting what the Yankees were offering before the opt out. Boras didn't get what he hoped for, but he came out the better even though it might not have been as good for Rodriguez. The Yankees were offering to extend him to ten years for about the same total. Now, Boras gets his percentage based on the new 10 year deal instead of a seven year extension. When you consider how much 3% of $80 million is, Boras is ahead.

I have decided who the Heisman Trophy winner should be. Dennis Dixon of Oregon. Even though he may never play another college game after injuring his knee against Arizona. Oregon was rolling with him, but after he got hurt, they turned to crap. Of course, when you are forced to turn to Ryan Leaf's little brother, you've got problems.

A few years ago, Cincinnati Bengals fans were coming out of the woodwork in Lexington. Where have they all gone?

Some nutbag woman drove through a security gate at Gillette Stadium and ended up with her car left on a New England Patriots' practice field. Man, some people go crazy in an attempt to get impregnated by Tom Brady.

OJ Simpson is going to trial for armed robbery against a sports memorabilia seller. His response "As always, I rely on the jury system." Makes sense. If a jury is willing to let a little thing like murder slide, they'll be open to acquitting him on armed robbery. And hopefully soon. OJ needs to get out to the golf course and find the real robber.

Monday Night News

Remember. Election day is tomorrow (at least in Kentucky) if you're a Republican. If you're a Democrat, it's on Wednesday.

It's bad timing for me since I'm an election officer and have to be at the precinct at 5:30 in the morning. What sucks is the Steelers are playing on Monday night, but I'll only get to watch the first part of it.

An 83 year old World War II vet in Milwaukee was convicted of trying to hire a prostitute. I'm pretty curious what the sex act was that he was willing to pay $20 for and apparently able to perform. Actually, I'm a little disappointed with the jury for convicting. Sixty years ago, this man stood on the ramparts of freedom and democracy defending this great country against the rampaging socialist horde. If he wants a little nookie and is willing to pay for it, I think that's the least we can do for him.

At least he wasn't trafficking cocaine like this 93 year old man. This is who I would buy my drugs from. I could probably give him a $2 bill and claim it was a $20.

In other crime news, 75 yard gnomes were allegedly stolen and dumped in someone's front yard. I say allegedly because we don't know they were actually stolen. For all we know, those gnomes walked there themselves. They're sneaky bastards.

My favorite story of the week. An assistant high school coach and cheerleading coach at an Ohio high school were fired for taking a picture of a topless 15 year old cheerleader and posting it on the web. You know, I'm really past the point of laughing at such stupidity on their part. "Let's throw a party, invite a high school freshman, get her to pose topless, and post the picture on the internet. What could go wrong?" No, what gets me about this story is that it says the two coaches were 19 years old. Why would a high school hire assistant coaches a year out of high school? And why did the report name the football coach, but not the cheerleader coach?

EDITOR'S UPDATE - Found an update on the cheerleader story (with video). This one does include the cheerleading coach's name. And I had assumed that the football coach took the picture of the 15 year old, but I was incorrect. The cheerleading coach took the picture of both of them with their ta-tas hanging out. I'd like to hear her explanation for what she was thinking then. And maybe some more details about what went on after that picture was taken. You know because it's news.

You've got to be careful with pictures and crap that you take. A former NFL player could lose his job as a high school hall monitor because he had two nude pictures on his cell phone which he lost and a student found. Now, my first thought was "you're worried about a job as a hall monitor?" Then I realized he needs that job to coach there. This whole thing is ridiculous. They weren't nude pictures of students (one report said one was a picture of himself which is a whole other issue) nor was he showing them around, so what business is it of the school that he had them? Actually, they should suspend the bastard student for "finding" the phone and trying to pawn it even though he knew whose phone it was.

A couple of rich folks up in New York abused their servants by beating and starving them. Well, not completely starving them because they would make them eat a bunch of chili peppers washed down with chili powdered salt water until they threw up. Hey, what's the point of having servants if you can't do things to make them vomit?

Okay, we’ve got a guy who lost his leg in a plane crash, but kept the leg. In a barbecue smoker. I’m assuming he had no plans to use that smoker for cooking anymore. I hope. Then he forgot about it and all his crap in a storage locker was auctioned when he didn’t pay his bill. And now the guy who bought the contents of the locker wants the leg back too so he can charge people to see it. I’m torn here. On one hand, I can’t believe someone wants to display an amputated leg for money (or that very many people would pay to see a mummified leg), but at the same time, the guy did buy whatever was in the locker. Why shouldn’t he get it back? You don’t want to lose your leg, don’t keep it in a storage locker. Or at least pay the bill. There have been cases of people who hid their murder victim in a storage facility and got caught because they stopped paying the bill and the contents were auctioned off. If you are going to store a dead body in a rental facility, shouldn’t be the first bill you pay every month?

A medical study just came out that says Karl Marx suffered from a skin disorder that leads to alienation which probably affected his writings. It leads to skin problems (leaking pus, boils, blackheads) on your butt and private parts. So, a political philosophy that led to the death of millions of people in the last century came about because some guy had boils on his junk.

And finally, a few stripper stories. Is this something new? A stripper at a baby shower? Women better watch out or guys will start including strippers on their (formerly) mundane get-togethers like pre-work breakfasts, business lunches, after work happy hours, dinner, Sunday school, kid’s football games, and bar mitzvahs.

Or a college graduation. A man says his son was defrauded out of $53,000 at a strip club because he told them not to go above $600 but they kind of did. I am curious. It says he bought 19 bottles of champagne "between $150 and $2000". Let's assume $2000 each. That's $38,000 max for champagne. How much do they charge for a lapdance? I'm not sure who is stupider. The son wasn't too bright to not keep an eye on his tab. But I think the Dad was even stupider. First, if you are setting a $600 limit, give him cash. Second, if you do decide to give him a credit card, make it one with a limit. Mine would crap out long before it go to that point.

Finally, there's a virus going around on the internet to allow spammers to sign up fake email addresses. A picture of a hot babe pops up and says she'll strip as the user types in jumbled figures. My question is why would you play a striptease game that suddenly "pops up" on your screen? Gee, that doesn't sound dangerous at all? You've got the internet. If you're that hard up for pictures of naked chicks, it's not that tough to find some. Or so I've heard.

News Update

This could just be a straight up, preacher gone wrong tale, except it's better. A pastor from Bristol, TN got busted in Johnson City, TN (check my news reports 10/4 to see what else is going on in Johnson City) after he offered to go down on some cops and then took a leak at a car wash. Outside. Oh, he was also wearing a denim skirt which means Southwest Airlines would not have let him fly. The best part is he apparently drank half a bottle of Vodka, but only tested .08 blood alcohol content. And claims he was too intoxicated from that to know why he was wearing a skirt. Wuss. When I wash down a bottle of narcotics with Vodka, I still know why I'm wearing a skirt. It makes me feel free down there.

Of course, that guy wasn't willing to go whole hog like the principal from Bardstown who got busted for hanging around a high prostitution area in Louisville while dressed like a woman. He went so far as to wear fishnet stockings and fake breasts. At first I was happy to finally know where the hookers hang out in Louisville (for research purposes only). However, if that's what you pick up there, I'll pass. He would make one ugly looking woman.

A new celebrity sex tape may be set to hit the market. Amy Fisher's estranged husband sold one of their sex tapes to some porn distributor while they were busted up. Now, they are reconciled and Amy is angry. It's nice to see there's some white trash on Long Island. She reconciled with a guy who sold a tape of their more intimate moments. As for the guy buying it, why? Fisher is old news, and not really attractive enough to make me want to watch. Sure, back when she was 17, watching her in a sex tape would have been good viewing. For the celebrity aspect, not because she was only ..........never mind.

Local hunter took a picture of some strange looking animal, and Bigfoot researching moron declared it looked like "a juvenile Sasquatch" which is an interesting observation since no one has ever seen a real Sasquatch, let alone a juvenile one. That's because they don't exist. Someone with at least a minimum level of intelligence says it's a bear with mange.

In a loosely related story, a hunter in West Virginia says he saw an African lion wandering around the woods up there. And some guy wants it trapped rather than shot. I don't think it's a lion. It's probably just a local hilljack with mange. While I'm not opposed to someone shooting him, I do know how to trap him. Just find his little sister, put her in crotchless pants and he'll catch the scent in a heartbeat.

In political news, Hillary Clinton bombed in the latest debate and it's all Tim Russert's fault. Poor baby was being picked on by the other candidates and that meanie Russert who had the gall to actually ask her tough questions. This is why I'm loath to vote for a female candidate. She's being attacked by her opponents because she's the front runner. Would it make sense for John Edwards to go after Bill Richardson? No, you take down the person ahead of you in the polls. So, what does Hillary do? She plays the poor-little-woman card. If you're not tough enough to take it in high stakes politics, run for school board.

There were a lot of concerns about why Dennis Kucinich's only question was if he had really seen a UFO over Shirley MacLaine's house as she wrote in her book. Well, duh. That would probably be the least nutty thing he would say in a debate. I think this guy still believes he was a good mayor of Cleveland even though the city went into default while he ran it (he's the only former mayor whose picture doesn't hang at city hall).

The one question that I thought should have been asked was about their stand on the new pumpkin tax in Iowa which just happens to be where the first caucus will be held. Proving that tax departments have never met an item that they couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't tax; Iowa is now taxing pumpkins because they are decorations rather than food even though it's technically produce. Based on that, can I write off booze as a medical expense since I drink to cure stress? That and to get drunk. Actually, that would have been a silly question for the Democratic debate. They've never met a tax they didn't like, so they would approve. And then turn around and request a farm subsidy for pumpkin farmers.

Sad story out of the world of tennis. Martina Hingis is retiring from the game because she was "falsely" accused of testing positive for cocaine. Really, who among us has not lost a job because of a "false positive" for blow? I'm glad someone is standing up to man and protecting the rights of pseudo-athletes everywhere. You know, while Hingis was never listed among the "hotties" of tennis, I would have done her..........I mean, she was excellent at whacking a fuzzy ball around.

Hilary Swank had her hair cut on Oprah Winfrey's show. I thought this was a good thing because women who look that much like a man should only have long hair if they have a mullet. Besides, I thought she should have cut her hair off a long time ago so that nobody would recognize her from The Core - one of the worst movies ever made.

In other celebrity news, Paul McCartney's one-legged ex-whor ......wife is now saying that Paul was the reason their marriage broke up. I think Paul's money was the whole reason the marriage happened in the first place. Long John Mills also says she would have walked away with nothing if Paul had just admitted that it was all his fault. Raise your hand if you believe that. Actually, if you believe that, send me money (cash, no checks) for a PR campaign to rehabilitate Heather's image.

Hey, Lance Armstrong is dating one of the Olsen twins. They say it's Ashley, but how do we really know. Maybe she decided riding 100 miles a day on a bike will help her lose weight better than throwing up dinner. Okay, that's cold. They make a cute couple and Bob Saget should be proud.

A bunch of Namibian villagers (68 to be exact) got sick from eating a diseased dog. Now, I'll let the fact they were eating a dog slide. I only question the political intelligence, morals and languages of low brow heathen countries, not their eating habits. Except the French. And possibly the Russians if I could figure out exactly what they eat. In this case, I do have one question. How big was that dog to the point that 68 people could eat enough of it to get sick?

Modern parenting. Some Nebraska bimbo apparently decided to improve her relations with her cheerleader daughter by pulling the school van that she was driving next to an SUV so her daughter could lean over to a speeding vehicle to get a beer. I guess her next move to prove she's "cool" is to have a menage with her daughter's boyfriend. I think it's a cheerleader thing. Send me an email if you want a link to a dirty site with a University of Louisville cheerleader getting a little dirty.

The Weekly World News (My Version)

I probably shouldn't sit here and bitch about how Steve Kragthorpe has ruined UL's football season this year. So, I'll stand and bitch about it. This guy is killing me. Going for 12-1 and an Orange Bowl to 4-3 against the weak part of the schedule is bad enough, but now the coach and athletic director are saying it's a rebuilding year. Funny, that never came up when I got the letter to renew my season tickets. Things have gotten so bad that I got banned on the Cardinal Sports Report message boards for quoting Burt Reynolds from Smokey and The Bandit, "do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?" to a moderator. Personally, I think he overreacted.

It was a sad day in the world of football when news came that Max McGee had died falling off his roof where he was blowing something, probably leaves. McGee was known for scoring the first touchdown in Super Bowl history. He was also known for being hung over when he did it because he didn't think he was going to play. I've always felt one of his most important contributions was Chi-Chi's Mexican Restaurant. When I was a young lad in college, I had very little money. Chi-Chi's had free chips and salsa. So, I could drink beer and load up on chips and salsa.

The obligatory prostitute story. Some white trash whore in upstate New York was busted for hooking and using drugs. She brought her two young children along for the ride. In fact, they were in the back seat while she was playing Electrolux with a couple of her customers. Personally, if I was her john (and I wasn't; I don't even know where Schenectady is), I would have been appalled. At least put the kids in the trunk or something.

Prostitute story from the pimp side. James Lipton of Inside The Actor's Studio was a flesh peddler in Paris before hitting it big. Or whatever Inside The Actor's Studio means on the success scale. The obvious comment would be on how his previous job led to Hollywood, but that's too easy.

When I read that it's been revealed that Dumbledore was gay, my reaction was "who the Hell is Dumbledore?". I missed the Harry Potter books because ....what's the concept......oh yeah, I hit puberty and fantasy reading became the Penthouse Forum over some book about warlocks and witches. Oh, and by the way, Dumbledore really can't be gay. He's a ficitional character. He's really nothing.

In another story containing witch-like substances, some dude got busted for tearing up a Halloween display. The owner wasn't sure why he tore up her stuff. Well, duh. He was drunk. Who among hasn't gotten smashed, seen ghosts and destroyed private property?

When I first read the story about the earmark that "the Senators from the great state of New York" had requested to give $1 million to a museum dedicated to Woodstock, I thought it was well deserved. Sure, he's a side-kick that doesn't say anything, but he was an integral part of Peanuts. Then I realized they were talking about that hippie music festival back in the 60s. What's the million bucks for, to recreate the smell? Even worse, the guy asking for it is a billionaire. Pay for that crap yourself, hippie-lover.

A monsignor of the Vatican was suspended for telling some TV show that he "didn't feel like he was sinning" by engaging in gay sex. So, the vow of celibacy only counts if you want to bump nasties with a woman?

I pretty much forgot my college German. Can someone translate what Wanken die Winky means?

See? This is what happens when we let clowns run lose in society. Well, that and Shakes The Clown, but that was a funny movie. And made us forget that Bobcat Goldthwait was in Police Academy 4. And in turn, somehow dated Nikki Cox and her massive mammary glands.

Boy, this is a great story. Guy has carnal relations with Britney Spears and records it. Yet, he can't show it to anyone because his performance wasn't up to his standards. Right. I think I will call BS on him having such a tape. Sure, nailing Britney is no longer seen as an accomplishment and taking advantage of a wackjob may seem like something to be looked down upon. However, it's still worth money and who cares how inadequate you perform on an amateur porn tape. No one is watching it for you.

Some DJ is in a bit of trouble in Detroit because he was going to have a party and let "light skinned" black women in for free. The big complaint centers around some historical division between light skin and dark skinned blacks. Here's another thought. Letting someone into a party based on the color of their skin while charging others is illegal. So, even if he included dark skinned black women in the free admission, it still would have been against the law.

Here's one of my favorite type stories. Yale Law School tried to forbid military recruiters on campus for political reasons. Unfortunately for them, Congress passed a law saying if you want government funds, you've got to let recruiters on campus. Yale Law sued and lost. My favorite part is a professor complaining that "we obviously wish the government wasn't forcing discrimination on us." Guess what? Yale is a private educational institution. Nobody's forcing anything on you. To me, it would seem hypocritical of someone to bash the military, but accept millions of dollars from them for research into more military activities. The biggest example of that would be Noam Chomsky. He's been one of the biggest left-wing campus radicals for years. Yet, for all his anti-military blather, his career and research have been underwritten by the Department of Defense for most of it. I guess the military industrial complex is evil until they sign your paycheck.

News of the Week

I shouldn't criticize UK fans for what happened after their big win over LSU. I should let them bask in the moment which are usually few and far between for UK football. However, I saw a story in the paper the next day which showed where a couch was burned in the street. That is the damn near patented celebration technique of West Virginia Brokeback Mountaineer fans. I got a copy of the Morgantown rag as I was heading back to Kentucky after the UL/WVU clash two years ago, and it said there were 20 cases of arson reported that involved a burning couch. It makes me really lose respect for the UK fans when they decide to emulate the most low rent fanbase in the country.

Food for thought. Cop goes into a McDonalds. Eats a burger that accidentally had a lot of salt on it. Gets sick. Blames it on the salt. Excuse me? It’s McDonalds. The thought of most of their food makes me sick. I would need a pound of salt on my burger just to make it edible. Oh, and then he arrests the girl who cooked the burger. I’ll ignore the obvious question (asked by the cook) of why he kept eating a burger that was making him sick. I’d really like to know if Fulton County’s crime problems are so small that sending the leftover part of a burger to the crime lab is really the proper response to this.

Of course, he might be thinking McDonalds is ripe for a lawsuit with the recent case up in Shepherdsville where the victim of a hoax was awarded over $6 million after someone claiming to be a cop called the restaurant and told them to strip search her. Well, not to blame the victim, but if I had a manager anywhere tell to take my clothes off, there would be an issue. Just to be clear to all my readers, your employer (especially a first line manager) cannot make you take your clothes off unless your a stripper and it's part of your contract. The worst part of this episode is that the assistant manager who made her strip got over a million because the jurors thought McDonalds should have told her specifically (it was in the manual) not to strip search employees or let her boyfriend get a hummer. Well, the jurors were stupid. I'm not expecting geniuses to be assistant managers at McDonalds, but a cook and the illiterate maintenance guy didn't fall for it.

Another food story. This guy was charged with assault for hitting his dad in the face with a bag of Cheetos while hopped up on meth. Obviously, if he was smoking pot, no way would he have let go the bag of Cheetos.

This is a near tragic story. These two girls just wanted to show some school spirit, so they did a full over body paint and went to a football game. They were thrown out even though male students painted up were allowed to stay. This is an injustice that should not be……….wait a minute……..I just saw that picture of the students. They were wearing bikini tops. What kind of school spirit is that? I thought they were topless. If they weren’t willing to go whole hog for the team, they should have been thrown out.

This is a follow-up to the story I wrote about a few weeks ago where a bunch of male cops and one female were involved in a sex scandal in the Grand Rapids Police Department. Well, it has been resolved. And it was a gangbang. The one female dispatcher was apparently doing at least six guys at the station. That girl had an itch.

The sad story of Madeline McCann (Okay, I'm assuming it's sad, I hadn't really followed it that much) took a turn when the police started investigating her parents. Now, her mother is claiming that she's being persecuted by the police, and the reason is her breasts aren't large enough. I can't really argue with her reasoning because I'm a lot more forgiving of large breasted women.

Speaking of breasts, a dentist is in trouble for massaging the breasts of his patients. He's claiming that it's accepted practice that doing this can help alleviate a jaw condition. Once again, I can't argue with the reasoning because when I grope a girl in public, I routinely claim I'm trying to relieve stress (I just don't tell her it's my stress). Actually, the best part of the story is where a woman says she was fondled six times in the last two years and took to wearing tight shirts to keep him out which didn't work. Once again, not to blame the victim, but if you have been fondled by your dentist to the point you change what you wear to see him, shouldn't it occur to you to go to a different dentist?

I classify this story as "bizarre". Then I realized it was Norway and long winters lead to insanity. Some pre-school "expert" (Norwegian for crank) is saying pre-school children should be allowed to display their sexuality by dancing naked and playing with themselves openly at school. When I did that in kindergarten, I got in trouble. Of course, I was 28 at the time. Granted, they do want limits put on this, like no masturbation during lunch. That's good, because that could lead to some serious trouble. I found that out at a Subway last year.

Here is another good one. Some chef named Anthony Bourdain is ticked off at celebrity TV cook Rachael Ray for endorsing Dunkin Donuts. My natural assumption was that he realized Krispy Kreme makes better donuts, but that wasn't the case. He was worried about the children. Aren't they always worried about the friggin' children? Bourdain is concerned because Ray is influential with children. WTF? How is some TV cook influential with children? I've only heard of her because she's a hottie who was in FHM magazine once. What kind of child watches cooking shows?

I was unaware that Garth Brooks was still alive. I was even more unaware that people were still willing to spend money to watch him sing.

In a football related post, a Baylor assistant was arrested for taking a leak on the bar of a Waco drinking establishment. It's Waco. I figured that was legal. Plus, at a bar called Scruffy Murphy's, I figured it was expected.

Well, I never needed a team of researchers to tell me that Jessica Alba’s got a little wiggle in the walk. I’m sure every mathematician there was scrambling to get on this research team. “Let’s see, I could spend all day looking at esoteric formulas or watch hot women walk with an in depth focus on their rear? Gee, what will I do?”

When they were burning a couch down at UK, I figured it was another protest over a Kentucky Kernel editorial cartoon. I hadn't really paid much attention to that story because the Kernel showed some real journalism credibility (or lack of) by refusing to let anyone republish it even though it was a major news story (plus college newspapers have about as much journalism as the sports page). Then Joel Pett of the Lexington Herald-Leader cleverly included a re-drawing of it in his own editorial cartoon, so I could see it. And also ran a column by a Kernel editor who quit when they wouldn't let him defend his decision to run it. The column was pointless the moment the schmuck said the cartoon led to "conversation" about race relations. "Conversation" in place of debate or discussion is the new buzzword of the clueless.

I wouldn't have run the cartoon. Not because I fear offending anyone, but because the cartoon made no sense. You've got a slave auction with a black guy being bid on by three fraternity with white supremacists names. Was there a point to offend blacks? Doubtful any college newspaper would try to make that point. Sure, there were slavery images which supposedly are offensive, but considering how much the black civil rights leaders use slavery images, I don't see that as really offensive. Was it designed to go after the Greek system's lack of diversity? Knowing the mindset of college newsmen, probably, but it still doesn't make sense. If lily-white fraternities didn't want black members, why would they be bidding on one at an auction? This almost seems to be critical of a black student who would join a white fraternity and possibly go for the "best deal" to pledge. Of course, I doubt the cartoonist would be clever enough to think of that. So, why run a cartoon that doesn't make sense?

Contrast it with the one that the Daily Wildcat at the University of Arizona ran. A caption about a Jewish customer tipping too little after a meal. It's pretty obvious that the point of the cartoon is that Jews are lousy tippers. Which isn't true. Everyone knows women are the worst tippers. Of course, the big question is why a college newspaper felt the need to editorialize against cheap, Jewish restaurant patrons.

Big Weekend In Lexington (I Should Have Left Town)

Actually, that's not true. While certain things going on were not my cup of tea, Keeneland was running. I love Keeneland. Although to be honest, I like it a lot more during the spring meet than the fall meet. To begin with, it's usually warmer during the spring meet except this year when there were snow flurries on the April 6th opening day (must be that global cooling the environmentalists warned us about in the 70s). Warm weather generally means young ladies wearing skimpy outfits with their knockers hanging out. Hey, I need something to capture my attention before the post parade. That'll do it. The other problem with the fall meet is FOOOOOOOOOOOTBALL. Mainly because it's on at the same time most days. Saturday's tough because college football has many games on (I wear out my remote finger). Too many to keep up in the Keeneland sports bar. NFL games are easier to watch there so I'm more likely to go on a Sunday , but I still prefer the spring when nothing else distracts me.

Of course, I can also go on a weekday, but I have to use vacation. Fortunately this past Friday my department at work had an "outing" to Keeneland. Even better, the Equestrian Bar charges the same for a Maker's and coke that they do for a Jack and coke. Nothing against Jack Daniels, but that's almost sacrilege. Even better, a big bet on a winner meant I didn't switch to beer. Ironically, it was against a work related horse (partially owned by some executive) in the fifth race. I wanted to bet him (but went with Calvin Borel instead) because the horses' name was Load of Chronic, and for some reason, I was one of the few in my group who understood what that meant. In a sense, I felt somewhat younger. Until I realized it was "College Day" which has the advantage of much younger ladies in the all too revealing outfits but is offset by assbag college guys in ill-fitting suits because they think that's what they should wear.

Another problem with Keeneland during football season is how often SEC white trash fans show up there because their team is playing UK. Friday was LSU. I'm sure they were excited to be there because at their Louisiana tracks, it's not often you have a race that isn't fixed. Fortunately, there weren't too many of them when I went downtown later that night (one good bourbon and coke leads to many others). I don't think I could have handled the smell. I ended up at some place called Harvey's which I've walked by, but never went into. Even though one of those other events that I chose to ignore (Big Blew Madness) was going on, that place was still packed. Not sure why. It's a nice bar, but it's nothing special. Okay jukebox (I think) until someone kept playing that song from the iPod Nano commercials. Reasonably priced drinks. Limited room and seating. I guess they get the overflow of weirdos that came down for a Talking Heads tribute band. Now, I like some punk bands. Like The Clash who could actually play their instruments. The Ramones. Social Distortion. Stuff like that. But I wouldn't walk across the street to see the Talking Heads. Let alone a tribute band.

But I digress. The other big event was the UK/LSU game (Big Blew Madness is a practice, people; it don't mean a thing). UK pulled off the big upset by playing a great game. For those who read the fantasy football/soft core porn website I keep for the long running TRU Fantasy Football League (no link, it's dirty), I made a point in week 2 that LSU would lose a game this year due to the ineptitude of coach Les Miles. It just came true. When you have a quarterback (Matt Flynn) who can only throw 25 yards, you have to rely on defense. LSU usually does. For some reason, they decided not to pressure Andre Woodson. It's a stupid move not to pressure mediocre quarterbacks. It's even worse when you're facing a good quarterback. I think everyone should have recognized LSU had issues. Their best tailback is a white guy. How do you expect to win with that? Especially when you decide to run on fourth and two and don't even use him.

On the flip side, I should be really happy that UL beat Cincinnati. After losing to weak ass Syracuse and Utah, I should be happy beating anyone. Maybe the city of Cincinnati was jinxed by the Reds hiring Dusty Baker. He knows how to manage a last place team. Still, there is something wrong here. I remember when UL had a great football team. It was way back in 2006. UL has the best college quarterback in the country. I would take Brian Brohm over half the guys (at least) in the NFL. They return several other key figures from a 12-1 Orange Bowl winning team. Yet, UL has fallen to the point that I'm happy to beat friggin Cincinnati? How did I get here

News You Can Use - Maybe

I saw this story about some guy fleeing the police on his riding mower and was mildly amused, especially by the fact that the cops felt the need to give him a field sobriety test. He had a case of beer strapped to the front of the lawnmower. Then I saw the byline was West Virginia and decided this was probably a normal occurrence.

In Missouri, some Muslim inmate is suing because he thinks his jelly was made from gelatin which is made from pork. There's some prohibition against eating pork or products endorsed by Bill Cosby, I forget which. Of course, I have a hard time taking his religious fervor seriously since he's in jail on federal drug charges which usually means trafficking. Islam has this little problem with drugs. In fact, I think Mohammad called mind altering stuff "the most terrible of major sins". Here's my solution. Lets deport his ass to Saudi Arabia (a solution to many of our Islamic problems) and let him be devout there. His present occupation should go over well.

Can anyone verify where Dave Spitzer was on Saturday, September 29 a little after 8 pm? Not asking for any particular reason. Just curious.

A middle school near Chicago has decided to ban hugging. My first thought was "what's a hug line?" My second thought was "how am I supposed to cop a feel on a sixth grader if I can't hug one?" My third thought was "keep that last thought to yourself".

This is what a ban on hugging in schools could lead to. A first grade teacher in Indiana showed up wasted to school with beer in her purse. Doesn't she have a cooler?

Well, in my last posting, I mentioned there were articles that were so horrible that I have to debate whether to mention them. For some reason, The View seems to provide a bunch of them. This time, it was about Rosie O'Donnell reminiscing about her time on the show. She said early on that Barbara Walters would talk with her about which lubricants to use. Pardon me while retch repeatedly.

I love college football, but ESPN is ruining it for everyone by putting Lou Holtz on College Gameday. It's like watching a senile old man sputtering like Sylvester the cat because it is a senile old man sputtering like Sylvester the cat.

Sean Penn's favorite dictator, Hugo Chavez, is in the news today. Is it for shutting down another TV station? Or trying to nationalize private universities unless they agree to only teach his socialists policies? Actually, I wondered what American academics at our Ivy League schools thought of this, but then I remembered they already think teaching socialism is the law here. But it isn't either of those. It's not even his wack-ass scheme to move time back a half hour to gain "a more fair distribution of sunrise" which is pretty messed up. No, he's now in the news for criticizing the girls who get breast implants for their 15th birthday (apparently the Venezuelan version of a bat mitzvah). Damn shame that a teenage girl can't get the boob job she's been pining for the past two years. What should she get? A bicycle? Yeah, we definitely need fewer Latino hotties with big knockers. Thanks, Hugo.

Speaking of big boobs, police women in Scotland who are flat-chested have to wear yellow pants along with their fluorescent jackets so people driving by can see them. I think this is a good idea. I know that a big chested woman just stands out when I drive by. A lot easier to notice. In fact, I would take it a step further. Make the police women go topless. It would certainly catch my attention.

I bet if the parents of this 17 year old English girl had bought her a new rack, she would stop running away to Egypt after some natives who apparently didn't mind knocking boots with her, but didn't want to marry her. Actually, after reading the entire article, I have absolutely no sympathy for someone that stupid. I hope her parents leave her idiot ass down in Egypt. Make her stay in Egypt and get a job. I'm sure she can survive long enough to find another "fiance" especially since she apparently gives it up pretty easily.

Speaking of stupid teenagers, a new trend in Canada is to spray yourself (or your buddy) with body spray and set it on fire. Now, as a practicing pyromaniac, I can understand the fun with lighters and any type of aerosol spray, but I usually burned stuff other than myself. A small flame only irritates, a big ball of fire has a tendency to hurt.

Last month in Italy, they had a pasta strike. The price has gotten high, so don't buy it. At least they were smart enough to admit that a one day strike to change economic conditions is completely bogus and won't work (remember that when you get the email telling you not to buy gas on a certain day). However, what got me was the fact that strike organizers were setting up "emergency stands offering free bread and milk" for people suffering withdrawal. You have got to be kidding me. As one who has some Italian ancestry (well, that one guy who came over in the early 20th century to play a harp at a restaurant in Nashville and somehow ended up in Madisonville), I am embarrassed for the land of my forefather. Either you are too weak to go a day without pasta or you are too stupid to buy something else. They should be so proud.

There is something seriously wrong with this country when activists are trying to keep the Bowery in New York from changing. When an area of town is known for its "squalor", I have to think very few people will miss it.

Oklahoma winning the Red River Shootout over Texas reminded me of this story. Some dude was wearing a Longhorns T-shirt in an Oklahoma City bar (not the brightest move, but this is America and he has that right). He gets into a fight with an Oklahoma fan (and deacon of a church) and ends up with a torn scrotal sack (which pains me just typing those words). Got to love the picture in the article. Actually, considering how intense that rivalry can be, only tearing apart someone's manhood is probably seen as the Christian thing to do.

I realize I don't have a small wireless device, so checking my email while sitting on the john would be problematic unless I wanted to take my laptop in there. Since I don't really find the toilet seat that comfortable and surfing dirty websites might keep me in there for awhile, I probably won't be taking my laptop in there any time soon. However, I don't understand why someone would need to check his/her email while taking a dump. Can't you wait a few minutes until you are done?

News of the Week

Ah, so nice to be back in civilization. North Carolina was nice. NC State has a nice stadium even though they don't serve booze. However, like WVU, they allow people to get stamped, leave and come back in. I think it's pretty obvious that people are leaving to drink. Does it make sense to not serve beer inside where the price will make people sip it, but let people go outside where they will most likely chug it to get as many down as possible? Who do you think are the bigger risks?

My tickets were in the lower corner section which gives you a pretty crappy angle, but on the plus side, the UL cheerleaders and dance team were about 20 feet away from me. Now, I wouldn't have minded being in the end zone section because on the other side of the end zone tunnel were some NC State students including a hot blond in tight short-shorts and a tied up T-shirt. My options were to squint hard or borrow my uncle's binoculars and look like a total pervert. I don't know why he kept complaining. I only used them during TV timeouts.

But on to the news. Some French mayor in Paris wanted to use a stinkbomb to run the homeless out of his suburb. Why the Hell would that work? If you have a lot of homeless around, how is a stinkbomb going to make the stench worse?

Johnson City, TN had a little problem going on. Well, other than its location in Eastern Tennessee. Apparently some of the city parks were gay cruising spots including one place infamously called the Man Cave. I still don't see the appeal of sex in a public toilet (or sex with men). When I think public toilet, the concept of dirty, nasty, dingy, smelly hole comes to mind which may explain the gay pickup aspect to it. One of the detainees was 85. Cruising for gay sex at 85? I guess I have to admire his energy. It wasn't just the pickup part of it that led to arrests. Some investigators were groped. How do you get undercover cops to go out on this assignment in the future? Hey, want to get your junk grabbed by a senior citizen?

When I think about the defenders of chastity and wholesomeness, the first ones I think of are flight attendants. When I first heard the story of the female passenger who was almost left off a Southwest flight for wearing an outfit that was too revealing, I wondered where the Hell women like that are when I fly. I always get stuck next to someone's grandmother or a screaming brat. Then I saw the outfit and realized someone had lost their friggin mind. I think they sell sluttier outfits at Gap For Kids. I'm also curious about why every story about the incident made a point to mention that she works part-time at Hooters. I could see the point of that if she'd worn her Hooters' outfit (too bad for her Hooters Air went out of business or she wouldn't have a problem), but otherwise, it doesn't really have a point. Oh well, at least Southwest hasn't started sacrificing goats.

When I think about an air guitar championship, the first word that comes to mind is LOSER. When I was seven, I used to play a tennis racket along with Chipmunks albums. Should I try out for this crap? Then I read that the winner gets a custom made guitar. Does anyone think he actually knows how to play a guitar?

I thought this story of a college student killing her roommate was sad. Then I noticed that they were part of a program "to help American Indians adapt to college life". I think that program may need some refinement unless the fact that she didn't scalp her (gratuitous ethnic remark) is a sign of adaptation. Another nice college story was about two guys busted for drugs at Northeastern. Apparently, one of them yelled outside his window that they had some pot for sale. No word yet whether they were studying agriculture or economics. Does make me question the standards at that school if two people that dumb are let in.

I love Youtube. Every gaff someone on air makes is saved for posterity. This was one of the better ones as a local newscaster tells the inspiring story of a man who overcame a handicap to climb Mt. Everest. His handicap? Gayness. Or blindness. They never did finish the story. I'm thinking blindness, because every knows homos have trouble climbing mountains. They have bad wrists.

This was a funny story, complete with pictures. Bear falls off bridge. Bear catches himself. Bear spends night on bridge struts. Bear gets drugged and pushed into a net. I like the fact that they left him up there and assumed he wouldn't be there the next day. Were there a bunch of drunks underneath screaming "Jump. Jump. Jump"?

There are certain stories that are so horrible that I think really hard before I write about them. This week, it was the report that Whoopi Goldberg announced on The Spew that she wanted to have a threesome with Nancy Pelosi and her husband. Give me second to finish dry heaving. Make it several minutes. God, I hope this never happens. Or at least a video of it never makes it out. Accidentally seeing it could make me join a monastery. On the plus side, at least The View got rid of that mouthy dyke with a penchant for making inappropriate comments on the show. Well, the white one anyway.

Maybe the thought of that threesome drove this guy to suicide. Time frame makes that unlikely. How long does it take to make a guillotine? And why not just get some pills? Plus, that's pretty low making a big disgusting beheading scene. Somebody has to find it. Someone else has to clean it up. Show some damn courtesy.

Why would someone steal a rabbit from a preschool? Well, unless they ate him. Rabbit is still a popular dish in France. Maybe some homeless Frenchman were driven away by a stinkbomb, ended up in Spokane and stole a rabbit for dinner. Hey, it could happen. Actually, my favorite part of the story was how PETA wouldn't endorse rabbit theft, but didn't seem to condemn it (obviously unaware of the of the French homeless dinner theory soon to be spreading on the internet).

Another sad story. This one about teenage boys in the semi-outlawed version of Mormonism being booted out of their home for alleged disobedience. Since this particular branch of the church believes in multiple wives (but not multiple husbands), disobedience is being born male. Stands to figure if you want a bunch of wives, get rid of the competition. I've always said one should be suspicious of a religious sect that has major tenets that seem to have been founded strictly to get the church leadership laid (blog on the Church of Marc coming soon).

Speaking of sects that were founded on the leader getting laid, a Saudi husband used Islamic law to divorce his wife. Usually the grounds for divorce are "she got fat", but in this case, it was all about infidelity. His wife was watching a male TV host. Alone. Unfortunately, she should probably consider herself lucky it was just divorce.

But for every divorce, there is a marriage. Well, statistically, that may not be true in this day and age, but nice thought. In this case, a 24 year old man married an 82 year old woman. The article doesn't mention the most pertinent question. How much was she worth? Well, that and whether or not they plan to have kids.

Finally, the midpoint between marriage and divorce. An affair. This was between a Colorado judge and prosecutor. I freely admit I may not be up on all the areas of judicial ethics, but there definitely seems to be a conflict of interest.