Asses of Silicone and Other News

In what is sure to be termed Toxic Butt Syndrome, two women were rushed to the hospital with infected asses causing kidney failure because they let some woman on the street pumped some silicone directly into their ass. As in someone with no medical degree, because most doctors do not pump silicone directly into people's asses. Most women I know complain about fat asses. They don't go out looking for them. But I guess some do. And end up with kidney failure for their trouble. Want to know what's even better? I looked up how much butt implants cost. Apparently about what one of the women was paying for the silicone injections. Let this be a lesson. Just because it's illegal doesn't mean it's necessarily cheaper.

Speaking of fat, there has been some controversy over some pictures out there making Jessica Simpson seem that way. And some other celebrities have rushed to her defense. Worst defense being her sister Ashlee who said being a celebrity doesn't mean you should be held to a different standard of appearance. Sorry. Not buying that one. If you're a modestly (to be polite) talented actress/singer (and I don't know if she can even sing) who gets by on her look, there is a different standard of appearance. That said, I'm very offended by the criticism of Simpson. Not for her. For guys who still can't get women that look as good looking as "fat" Jessica. Hell, I'd trade Phil's soul for a piece of that action. That's not really that complimentary. I'd probably trade his soul for a Subway sandwich. But I'd insist it be a foot long sandwich and include bacon because everything is better with bacon.

Speaking of not fat enough, Alex Rodriguez became the latest steroid outed baseball player. At least he was smarter than Roger Clemens and admitted it. He almost came out and said what I would in his situation. He came close when he blamed the pressure of performing and living up to his contract made him do it. I said a long time ago that I think sports are awash in steroids. If I was a baseball player and got caught, I would say that I knew a lot of other players were using it so I had to use them myself just to compete. Now, Rodriguez did say something silly when he said that he didn't know what he took. Sure, he didn't. Granted, he's messing around with Madonna so he's not very smart, but I saw an interesting observation on the show Red Eye. Former American Gladiator Nitro pointed out that unlike the bloated ones (Conseco, Bonds, Sosa, etc), Rodriguez used them correctly to stay trim and fit and hit with power instead of becoming a cartoonish sized athlete. If he knew enough to do that, he knew exactly what he was taking.

Speaking of Madonna, someone paid $37,500 for a photo of Madonna nekkid. Let me state that again. Someone paid over $37K for a photo of a woman who has many nude photos floating around. And this is one that appeared in Playboy so it's easy to find. I clicked on the link to the photo. If that had been on the cover of a Playboy, I would never buy that issue. What's the matter, Madonna? Couldn't afford a razor? Or in this case, a bushhog? It's beyond me that this woman became a sex symbol.

Ah, Valentine's Day has passed. Or as I like to call it Extort-A-Male Day. Not seeing anyone, I went to watch Clint Eastwood kick ass and hurl funny Asian ethnic slurs while watching Gran Torino. Excellent movie. I will be buying the DVD. I was surprised at the number of people there considering it was a matinee for a movie that's been out for awhile. And really isn't a good date movie. Still, the Friday the 13th remake won the weekend so maybe single guys were the main movie goers. But I digress. The weirdest Valentine's Day story was a Michigan zoo had a program for the day where couples could watch animals do it. You stay classy, Battle Creek.

Could be worse. Here's a romantic story to tug at the heartstrings. Man gets operation to become a woman, marries old family friend who happens to be 73 (and into fetishes), and abuses him in a swimming pool until he has a heart attack. Don't trust trannies. They spent too much time hiding things. Namely their junk.

This is cute. Barak Obama is now worried about the deficit. Did he finally read his own stimulus package? It's laughable that someone would push through such a massive, unprecedented spending bill and then turn around and worry about deficit spending. I mentioned last week that I questioned why he was in such a hurry to push it through, but even I missed this little gem. Obama claims his stimulus will also be about "long term growth" which leads William Kristol to point out that we could have passed a smaller stimulus (meaning the very small parts of the stimulus package that are actually designed to stimulate the economy) and debate the rest of it (ie, the budget pork) later. Well, duh. As I pointed out last week, the reason it needed to be passed quickly was because public approval for the stimulus package was eroding very quickly. This is how urgent Obama thinks enacting the stimulus plan is. He isn't willing to cut his vacation short to sign this "urgent" bill. Now, that's leadership you can believe in.

Hmmm. Almost like a lie. Next thing you know the administration will go back on its pledge to let the public view bills for five days before signing them. Oh, wait............

In further political news, a politician is in trouble for not paying his taxes, and yet, he hasn't been nominated to a cabinet post. Former mayor, present council member and jailbird Marion Barry (that Marion Barry) hasn't felt the need to file tax returns in most years. The judge (affectionately known as StupidBitch) won't revoke his probation because him knowing that he didn't file his taxes on time doesn't really mean that he "willfully failed to file his returns" even if he has only filed tax returns once in the past nine years. What the Hell is her definition of "willful"? And some people want to make DC a state? I would take away their vote for everything.

Once again the news establishment has failed us. Some woman picking up her child from school got mad at some other children and in the mature fashion we've come to expect in modern society, she flashed her boobs at them. The problem? There's no picture of the perpetrator. How do I know if it was inappropriate or a damned fine show?

In foreign legal news, a man was arrested by British police (a lot of them with a bunch of guns) for shooting at a baby with a toy ray gun. Boy, glad we got him off the street. Obviously a serial killer. Better pat him down good. He could be hiding a yo-yo in his pocket.

Sadly, that's not the stupidest police story of the week. At the University of Connecticut (this is supposedly a school of higher learning), the campus cops put out an alert about a suspicious man. Was he hiding in a coed's dorm room? Masturbating in public? Peeping in windows? Worse. He walked within several feet of a coed while walking through a parking lot. Man, I hope they just gun his ass down if they find him. Obviously, he is way too dangerous to try to arrest.

In entertainment news, some Jewish groups are saying that the movie The Reader and leading actress Kate Winslet need to be snubbed for an Oscar because it empathizes with the Nazis. Now, I haven't seen the movie. Nor will I. A female concentration camp guard who can't read doesn't sound all that thrilling to me. But without seeing it, I'll take the sides of the Jewish groups. Let's face it, when your plot outline includes this line -"becomes an Auschwitz guard and then seeks redemption by learning to read while on trial after the war"- it's tough for me to take this seriously. Really? Redemption through reading? Are you effing kidding me?

Now, this is a more redeeming entertainment story. A former Miss USA has decided to do porn. I got pretty excited until I found out she was Miss USA from 1991. I'm sure she still looks fine, but who the hell remembers a Miss USA from that long ago. I don't even know which state last year's winner came from. It doesn't say specifically that she was doing hardcore porn, but I'm guessing it wouldn't have been a story if she went from a crappy soap opera to a crappy Cinemax soft core porn movie. She isn't sure if she'll if she will do more because she's got a sitcom in the works. My guess is that after this little episode, that doesn't get picked up. I think my favorite part of the article is how surprised she is that male friends suddenly want to bone her. I don't know where they got the idea that she might be into indiscriminate sex.

Stimulus Plan & Other News Stories

Ah, what's a trillion dollars between friends. Without being finalized in conference committee, Congress has passed a "stimulus" bill that probably won't stimulate anything. I think the line that best describes it is "this bill was written based on the wish list of every living - or dead - Democratic interest group." But don't worry. Our man Obama is convinced that without it, we're all going to die. Nothing will get the economy moving as building dog parks and frisbee golf courses. Just because the Congressional Budget Office says the massive cost will eventually hurt employment by removing money from the private sector is no reason to think it's not the best damned idea to come out of Washington. And its urgency cannot be understated. Just because (as mentioned before) most of the money won't be spent until down the road is no reason to think passing it before Wednesday is necessary to keep the economy from imploding. I think the best part of that article is Obama's contention that he was elected for just this reason. Funny. I don't remember his campaign platform including an $8 billion spending package. I'm pretty sure I would have noticed that. Maybe I missed it because his inaugural address included language about spending wisely. But that was a couple of weeks ago. It's different now. It's dire. If he waits too long, the percentage of people for it might drop even lower than the 38% it's hovering around.

But I can't blame Democrats alone. Three Republican Senators voted for it too. Add the zero Republican members of the House who voted for it and you get 3 Republicans in Congress vote for this crap. That's bipartisanship. Remember the good old days when bipartisanship (according to the New York Times) when it meant John McCain and the Democrats. Now it means idiot Arlen and the Maine bimbos along with the Democrats. But not McCain. How bad is that? This bill is so bad that McCain won't even stab his fellow Republicans in the back to get good pub in the New York Times.

I don't watch American Idol. Getting a record contract for winning a karaoke contest should only happen in the movies or if your a Filipino joining the band Journey (which is still nowhere as embarrassing as the Journey Escape game for Atari). So, I had no idea who Bikini Girl was. Now I do. Well, I know there was a contestant who sang in a bikini (and thank God was a female). And now Playboy wants to put her in their magazine. Looking at her, she's attractive enough, but it really shows the decline of Playboy. She's definitely not centerfold material, and I actually don't think (by which I mean I hope) they want her for the traditional centerfold. But I remember when Playboy went for the A-list celebrities or at least ones who became famous for something in really bad taste (say, Darva Conger). She isn't famous enough or trashy enough to make me interested.

And her boobs aren't big enough. Unlike this freak show. A woman in Texas didn't think her knockers were big enough. So, she got about a gallon of silicone put in to have the biggest fake ones ever. I'm all for big boobs, but I'm not sure I'd like being around someone with some beanbags on her chest.

This is some fun political stuff too. Obama isn't content with a scandalously bad stimulus package. He also wants a cabinet full of scandal. First Bill Richardson pulls out of Secretary of Commerce because of a little federal investigation. Gee Bill, that endorsement worked out real well. Now, we get at least four appointees (not all cabinet) who have had tax issues. His Secretary of Labor nominee's husband's auto shop (which is listed as an asset on her disclosure forms) forgot to pay some taxes until a lien was put on his business. But it only goes back to 1993. Compared to Robert Byrd's Senate tenure, that's nothing. And his nominee for performance officer (is that really a job) had to pull out for tax reasons of her own. Then there was Tom Daschle who was going to be Secretary of Health and whatever who had to drop out because he didn't pay taxes on a chauffeured limousine provided by a political supporter (how is that not a problem of its own). Oh, and he also didn't include income from consulting work. It was only $83,000 so anybody could overlook that.

Yet, the guy who got in was the original appointed tax evader Tim Geither. He had a job with the International Monetary Fund which meant he had to pay his own Social Security taxes. He didn't. Because he kind of forgot. I once forgot voyeurism was illegal. Can happen to anyone. Except the IMF took great pains to let their employees know those responsibilities, and oh, the IMF also gives extra money to their employees to pay these meddling taxes. So, he took the money to pay his taxes and didn't. Guess what job he was nominated for. Secretary of Treasury. Taxes shouldn't be an issue for the guy just because the IRS falls under the Treasury department. He'll have plenty of people to help with his taxes in the future.

I think a few things are really funny about this. The first is that people dug up an old Senate campaign commercial for Daschle where he makes fun of people in limos. My have the times have changed. And another blog made a funny point but I can't remember which blog. They said that Obama has a plan to pay for his stimulus package. He'll keep nominating all these tax cheats to his cabinet. Once found out, they pay their back taxes which fills the treasury. But it does bring up a good point. The Democratic Party is the one always saying people need to pay their fair share of taxes. Why don't they? I guess raising taxes is easy if you don't plan on paying them.

Speaking of ridicule, this dude in Canada built a female android. Actually, his second one. Very lifelike. But he doesn't have sex with her. Which kind of begs the question why you would build a lifelike female robot if not to make your sex slave. Other than the scientific value of it.

Speaking of sex, a member of the Bee Gees, Robin Gibb (the ugly one), knocked up his housekeeper. Which apparently was unacceptable to his wife who didn't mind the sex aspect of it. Just the baby. I don't know what her deal is. Look at her. The wife looks like Rosanne Barr with a bad dye job. She should thank God every day that her wealthy husband hasn't left her for good for the 33 year old cootchie that he's been getting a hold of. Except she can't thank God because she's a Druid which means she's stupid too.

I'm not sure what to make of this story. A Boston cop could be in trouble for using this squad car to take a couple of gay porn stars to a strip club (I'm assuming for a gay show). I'm guessing this never comes up in Nicholasville. Cops go for the macho act so I'm thinking that wouldn't be the best use of your time and city equipment if you don't want the ridicule. No mention whether he stayed for the show. Or had buttsex.

I'm warning Phil in advance not to read this story. A journalist decided to take a job at Walmart to find out how bad things were there. His finding: not so bad. Obviously he's clueless to miss the high paying joy that comes with non-Walmart retail jobs.

Also down in Texas, computer hackers have been breaking into electronic road signs to post warnings about zombie attacks. Austin authorities are threatening prosecution of those who did it. Well, I for one am appalled. Zombies are attacking and our authorities are refusing to warn us of this impending threat.

Here's a couple of stories about the dangers of not taking the internet seriously. The first is some 18 year old who pretended to be a teenage chick on Facebook. He used that to sucker stupid high school boys into sending him naked pictures. Then he threatened to pass the pictures around unless they had gay sex with him. Are high school students that stupid now? You sent a naked picture of yourself to an anonymous person on the internet. Now, you're going to suck his willy to keep him from showing it to other people? You were willing to show your junk to someone you don't know. Why do you suddenly feel the need to protect your privacy?

But that was Facebook. Myspace has problems too. Some wackjob who ran for governor of Minnesota a few years ago as a vampire met a 16 year old girl who left him a supportive message on his Myspace page. The online relationship turned bad when she tried to dump him (go figure). And proving teenage girls in Rochester are as stupid as teenage boys in Milwaukee, her best idea to get rid of him was to claim she was a vampire hunter and he wasn't safe with her. Obviously she was unaware that he was using the whole vampire thing to pick up stupid 16 year olds and probably doesn't really believe he's a vampire.

Some Final Ski Trip and Super Bowl Thoughts

I mentioned the Super Bowl, but didn't include anything about the rest of the day. Obviously, the Super Bowl was the high point of the day. It was a good game. I'm not sure how the Steelers didn't blow it open in the second half, but they didn't. There was plenty of beer. When you carry the keg downstairs, you can put it next to you. If you make sure no one drinking beer is sitting to your left, you don't have to refill anyone else.
In reality, I can't figure out how the Steelers made the Super Bowl every time I look at their offensive line. It sucked. This game had a ton of holding calls. Arizona got their's because Pittsburgh had top pass rushers. The Steelers' got their's because their line couldn't block. How does an interior lineman get called for holding (and a safety) in the end zone on a quick slant pass? Easy, he sucks. But I just want to say thanks to Mike and Jennifer for leaving early on Sunday. That left me as the only Steelers' fan with a bunch of Bengal and Falcon fans and others only concerned about winning money on bets (I'm sure it was doubly aggravating for them that my team won the game and I won the final pool).
Random ski trip thought. What kind of place has a couch so uncomfortable that it's better to pull a futon out of a bedroom to sit on?
I think Pittsburgh won the game in the first half by controlling the ball. Arizona had only one possession in the first quarter. They had three in the second. The first went for a touchdown. The second was a punt. The third would have gone for a touchdown if James Harrison hadn't intercepted it in the end zone and run 100 friggin' yards for a touchdown. And right afterwards we get the 3D commercials that really didn't look too 3D, but at least I got to wear the 3D glasses and nothing looks cooler than 3D glasses.
Random ski trip picture. Phil told me there wouldn't be any trannies this year.
Since we were in Gatlinburg instead of Tucson, we got the full game instead of a 30 second porn clip. Actually, it would have been more interesting to have the porn clip in the third quarter when not much happened. Well, except the infamous case where an Arizona player roughed the holder by sticking his crotch in his face. Comcast is blaming outside act for the problem. Which is probably true. Cable companies don't give porn away for free. One of the great things about the internet is the free porn.......I mean the fact that it didn't take long to figure out who was in the clip that aired. I was going to see if I recognized her, but then I remembered that she's some internet porn slut so she's essentially a movie prop. And no, I am not surfing porn in the following picture. I was looking up game info.
Here's the amazing thing about Arizona's comeback in the fourth quarter. Through the first three quarters, they'd only had one drive that went for more than 33 yards. All four drives in the fourth quarter went for at least 33. Four of the five Pittsburgh drives went for less than 4 yards. Three went for negative yards. One was a safety. Looking at the second half stats, that Harrison inteception/touchdown at the end of the half was huge. I thought this was the last bourbon shots of the night, but it was actually the first. I know because I also took the fifth shot sitting on the counter. It was supposed to be for Will, but he turned it down. Now, I'm not going to cast aspersions on him not drinking it. Mainly because I probably did at the time.
Random ski trip thought. I didn't see the naked guy in the hot tub. Or him wrapping a hoodie around his junk. I consider myself fortunate. However, I did see a hot tub picture that had a certain someone begging for a cigarette like a drowning man asking for a life preserver.
Of course, sucking tar, nicotine and carbon monoxide directly in your lungs has to be better than eating a few pizza rolls.
The amazing thing is that the Super Bowl turned on Harrison's interception for a touchdown because that was really Kurt Warner's only mistake. Warner completely outplayed Ben Roethlisberger who was very mediocre (I'm being polite) until the last series. On the series before that one, the Steelers' got the safety on a hold in the end zone. On the two series before that, Roethlisberger took two series killing sacks. Even on the game winning drive, I don't think he was that sharp. He had a four yard scramble that caused them to waste a timeout when he could have just thrown it away. Santonio Holmes saved his ass repeatedly. The penultimate play (not counting the TD) was a 40 yard pass to get them to the 6 yard line. It was a curl route that Holmes made with a great run after the catch. On the winning touchdown, Roethlisberger overthrew Holmes who was triple covered. If Holmes doesn't make a great catch, there's no touchdown.

No touchdown would have meant no winnings for Marc. That would have been bad since I got roped into that stupid left-right-center whatever the hell it is dice game. I lost six dollars. Most of which I lost to Melissa. I'm not used to giving that many ones to a woman who keeps her clothes on. And asking her to take off her clothes didn't work, so why am I playing this stupid game? Apparently three ones ain't going to do it. And then she lost them to others. This is a stupid game. I blame Phil for the fact that I was playing.
On the drive home, I had one thought - is that a Pizza Hut behind Jon?
Well, another thought. Why was it snowing in Knoxville, but not Kentucky?

The Super Bowl

Yes, it was a great Super Bowl. Obviously, the Steelers winning was the most important part. However, it was also a really good game going down to the wire. Since I like several players on the Arizona side, I wasn't unhappy with such a close game. And adding money to success, I won the pool by picking Pittsburgh to win with a game total of 45 points (no going over). No one was in between. 65 bucks is 65 bucks.

But let us compare my predictions with what actually happened. I was pretty good. The Steelers did win. It was closer than I thought, but Hines Ward wasn't much of a factor except one big catch early. And Ben Roethlisberger played like crap until the last drive (I won't be calling him Big Game Ben anytime soon). And Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald were great for Arizona. Fitzgerald did nothing to make me think there is a better receiver in league than him. Warner played well enough to make me think Arizona has a nice window of opportunity here and he should be re-signed. Pittsburgh's defense was good early but slipped a little late. I did miss on Willie Parker being able to run against the Cardinals. He had a few good runs, but he also lost a lot of yards when he got caught behind the line. But Santonio Holmes did justify his high draft status. Roethlisberger has two Super Bowl rings and two mediocre-to-bad games. Holmes saved his ass. That touchdown catch to win the game was incredible. In real time, I did not think he could have gotten both feet in. In slow motion, he did. And I was sweating bullets late in that game.

Ski Trip 2009 - Day Two

Day two didn't have the level of drunkenness probably due to the long recovery time from day one. It did include finally taking the group picture. This is the practice shot although Matt insists this was his good side. Then we got the final shot as things begin degenerating at a rapid pace. Well, it was pretty degenerate to begin with.

No, Dickie isn't cooking. But he does have gas. I'm assuming that's why he's smiling. Unfortunately, there is no action footage as he gimps around on his arthritic hip.

The dinner was done by people who actually knew what they were doing as we had pasta which was immediately scarfed down by a pack of ravenous wolves.

Guitar Hero has given way to Rock Band. Which means more people making more noise. Which means crotchety old man Dickie screaming for them to keep that racket down.
It was also Phil's birthday. Or somewhere around there. That's why he was repeatedly heard to say "I'm not as old as Dickie".
Then he got a homoerotic spanking from Matt.
Upstairs, pool and cornhole intersected with near tragic results as Ryan hits Melissa with a cornhole bag causing her to hit herself in the face with her pool cue. Ryan's disemboweled body was found in the woods later that night.

Jon shows off his little stick.

While braiding Jennifer's hair, Amber finds a gray hair and our long national nightmare begins.

Unlike Kristin's picture with me yesterday, Melissa was sober for this one. Not sure what she was thinking.

The Cranium game nearly causes a riot as Ryan blocks the door to the kegs.

And this year's winner of the poker tournament is Brett Slaton. He attributed his better showing this year not being completely wasted while playing. You can see the alertness in his eyes. And he's not throwing up over the railing.