Monday, March 17, 2014

Back (again) - Thoughts on some movies from the past

I always like my blog if for no other reason than I could point to it when one of my mindless predictions come true.  And it's unlikely anyone will point out when I'm way off base.  But I fell off updating it.  Not sure why.  I'll blame Ancel for monopolizing my free time.  Or it might have been booze.  But something happened that made me want to write on it again.  I was watching Commando and became confused about something that was happening in it.  Which led to questions in other movies popping into my mind.  Which I need an answer for.

Now, Commando is one of the all time great (cheesy) action flicks, but something just wasn't right.  Sure, I can believe Arnold survived jumping into a three foot deep swamp from the wheel of an airplane taking off, making it through several explosion and car wrecks without a scratch and then killing off a private army by himself.  I can even believe Nick Tortelli as the ruthless dictator.  And Rae Dawn Chong in a skimpy stewardess outfit is believable anywhere as long as you can ignore the fact her father is Tommy Chong.  What I don't understand is why Arnold's former friend/nemesis Bennett (so evil he only had one name) spends the entire movie wearing a chain mail shirt (that wouldn't stop a thrown pipe).  Was he expecting a sword fight?

Then there was the movie The Warriors.  I'm not questioning whether or not the Warriors could have kicked ass.  Cochise could kick anyone's ass and James Remar (Ajax) would still frighten me today.  But I frighten easily.  No, my question is specifically, where were the other Warriors?  I understand that only nine gang members were to go to the big gang conference, but when the Warriors were on the run back to Coney Island, didn't anyone bring a quarter (probably still a dime in 1979) to call for some backup?  It's not likely a gang of only nine members would have been big enough to be invited to a gang convention.  The wuss gang, the Orphans, had 30 and they weren't even considered for an invitation.  The Warriors couldn't even get any help for the beach showdown after they got back to Coney Island.  And they think they're the best?

I think this question was asked in MAD magazine's parody of Top Gun, but they didn't go far enough.  I don't mean how Tom Cruise got into the Navy before "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".  After graduation, why did the Navy ship the Top Gun grads off to the aircraft carrier for the emergency military situation?  The carrier would have probably had a full complement of fighter pilots , and if not, there were more veteran graduates of the school which had been open since the Vietnam War.  Sending Iceman would have been plausible.  He was the top grad and available (and I loved him in Top Secret), but who in their right mind would have sent a potential burnout like Maverick into a war zone when he hadn't even completed a training mission since Goose's death?

Demolition Man is my favorite movie with both Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock.  Would have been better if she had gotten naked.  Worse if he had.  But they left me with a question that was never answered.  In the future, Stallone's character was confused because they replaced toilet paper with a three shell system.  How do you wipe your rear with seashells?  And why three?  And what kind of sick bastard came up with this idea?  Also, only Sandra Bullock seemed to know what toilet paper was.  Why didn't anyone else?  This wasn't Buck Rogers in suspended animation for 500 years.  Stallone was only frozen for 36 years, so maybe the under 30 crowd was post-toilet paper, but there were plenty of cops over 36.  Actually, there was a cop there that he had actually served with.  Did he just forget how they cleaned up after dropping a load in their younger days?

On the Original Latin Kings of Comedy, how did Paul Rodriguez get to be the final act?  Sure, George Lopez was the only other comedian on the show that I knew, but they all have to be funnier than Rodriguez who has somehow made a career in comedy without actually being funny.

American Beauty won an Oscar for Best Picture.  My only question is:  why?  Actually, my other question is why did I watch that crap?

Little Miss Sunshine didn't win an Oscar, but was nominated.  Not sure why.  Half the gags were ripped off from National Lampoon's Vacation (such as traveling with dead relatives).  But my question is how the parents managed to not be arrested for child endangerment?   Why did no one have a problem with the fact that they were putting their young daughter in the care of her heroin using grandfather with a porn fetish?  Who just so happened to teach her how to do a Madonna strip tease for her pageant talent portion?

In Debbie Does Dallas, Debbie is trying to raise money for a trip to Dallas to try out for the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.  So, why did she already own a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader outfit?  I'm basing this on the IMDB entry and box cover only.

The Karate Kid.  By that, I mean the real one with Matsuo "Arnold" Takahashi from Happy Days.  Not the Will Smith's kids vanity project which is completely misnamed since he was learning kung fu, not karate.  Which tells me Will Smith is racist for assuming people won't know there are different Asian styles of martial arts.  But I digress.  The Karate Kid (real one) is like Commando in that I'm accepting of the completely implausible.  I'm not sure Ralph Macchio could beat Elizabeth Shue in a fight, let alone Billy Zabka.  No, what gets me is that the Cobra Kai dojo is supposed to be some kind of Nazi indoctrinated karate school.  So, why is one of the lesser Cobra Kai members played by Larry B. Scott (about 1 minute in) who was also Lamar, the............ javelin throwing black guy from Revenge of the Nerds?
 
 

Of course, then there the question of why Johnny got a horrified look on his face when Creese told him to sweep the leg.  Are we forgetting that earlier in the movie, Johnny ran Daniel-san off a cliff on his bike and was going to kick a barely conscious boy in the head?  Suddenly, Johnny is worried about hurting his knee? 

In A Fistful of Dollars, why did the Baxters run out the front door where all the gunmen were?  Was there no backdoor?  Which is not a question asked in Debbie Does Dallas.

In Pretty Woman, I can look beyond the basic plot point.  It’s a fantasy of every little girl to be a prostitute who meets a rich man while hooking.  And it's the fantasy of every whoremonger to rent a session with a hooker who looks like Julia Roberts.  I would have been happy with her buddy played by Laura San Giacomo because I liked her in Quigley Down Under.  However, my problem here is strictly economics.  Richard Gere asks Julia Roberts how much a whole night with her will cost.  She says he can't afford it.  Really?  She charges $300 for a night.  I realize her normal crackhead clientele can't afford that, but in spite of her being a street walking whore, Roberts’ character is portrayed as smart in this movie.  She got a ride to the hotel in a Lotus.  She’s in the penthouse suite with him.  Does she really think he can’t afford 300 bucks?  His socks probably cost more than $300.  

Then there is Back To The Future.  Which has two major questions that I'm sure many people who have watched it may have already noticed the problems.  Remember when Marty remembers that he's in a time machine and can get back early to save Doc Brown?  Except he goes back 5 minutes before and is still too late?  Hey, dummy.  You remembered you had a time machine.  Did it ever occur to you to go back an hour earlier and slash the Libyan's tires?  Oh, and then explain to me why George McFly didn't seem all that bothered by the fact that his third child looked exactly like the dude that his wife went to the Fish Under The Sea Dance (we won't discuss where you come up with such a ridiculous name as that for a high school dance) with.