Monday, June 30, 2008

Hookers On A Bus & Other Moderately Dirty Stories

Novel concept. Whorehouse on wheels. Down in Miami Beach (where was this when I went down to the Orange Bowl), someone was tooling around in a limo van with a bunch of stripper/hookers in back. The slideshow of the van had some interesting info. It only costs $40 to get on which included free drinks. And the sex was in a VIP room. How do you fit a VIP room on a van? Oh, and there's a link on there for another story. That one's about a porn website that has a van going around picking up women off the street who agree to do an amateur porno. What did this grand investigative reporting discover? The whole thing was preplanned. Surely they jest. I always assumed the streets were teeming with girls willing to be picked up by a van full of strangers and convinced to make a skin flick. The only thing that surprised me was that there were so many stupid women in southern Florida willing to bump uglies for internet distribution for only $700. And the female producer who did the undercover interview certainly wasn't going the extra mile. She should have followed through and done the movie. So sad people don't take their jobs seriously enough these days.

Speaking of porn acting, the state of Kentucky should be very proud. Billy Bear is running for Senate on the Libertarian ticket. Actor Sonny Landham now apparently lives in Ashland (can't he move slightly east and become West Virginia's embarrassment) and wants to be a Senator. I can't vote for the guy. It's one thing to get your ass kicked by Chuck Norris (Firewalker), Carl Weathers (Action Jackson) or a giant alien (Predator), but getting killed by a comedian who picks up transvestite hookers (48 Hrs.) is just sad. Landham also used to do adult flicks. One of which was The Trouble With Young Stuff. I don't know if that says something about his beliefs on age of consent laws, but I doubt clips from that will be in his campaign commercials. Damn it.

I thought the video of the French (although they may have been French-Canadian) soldiers launching a missile about four feet was pretty bad. Now, we have 16 people injured because the French army was demonstrating hostage freeing techniques and accidentally (we all hope) using live ammo. Since they weren't able to kill anyone, the French Army promptly surrendered. Sure, I can see how live ammo could get mixed up with blanks (I never said the French were smart), but I have to question what exactly were they demonstrating that led to so many injuries. Do the French try to rescue hostages by spraying bullets into a crowd?

Finally, a reason to go to an overpriced coffee shop. After seeing the success of coffee shop's that had their baristas (Italian for pretentious Denny's style waitress) dress in bikinis and lingerie, another shop put them in pasties (English for Nice Chi-Chis). But now the police are trying to close them down because of complaints from some "locals" (Marc-speak for homos).

Normally, I couldn't care less about the possible split between Madonna and Guy Ritchie. To begin with, I couldn't name my favorite Madonna song. It's more along the lines of which Madonna song do I least dislike. And I can't even tell you that. And I figure Ritchie's got to want out. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to be married to someone who drags me into a cult and then embarrasses the whole family by gyrating like a whore with another man in public. However, what I find interesting is the fact that there may not be a prenup. A lot people seem surprised by that as they wonder how such a "business savvy" woman like Madonna could allow that to happen. Well, her business savvy doesn't seem to extend to relationships. In fact, her business savvy was mainly figuring out shocking behavior and gyrating like a whore could mask a nasally voice and inane lyrics. Normally in divorces where one member was a lot richer than the other going into the marriage, I think the less wealthy one should not be allowed to take a big chunk from the other (see Mills, Heather). But in this case, I'm going to make an exception. Guy Ritchie was an up and coming director after Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels followed by Snatch. Then he marries Madonna. His next movie is Swept Away starring his new wife. His career was now in the toilet. She owes him.

Actually, hearing about Madonna always reminded me about a guy I went to college with. She was his favorite singer. By far. She could do no wrong. Yet, this guy was totally disgusted with the song I Touch Myself by the Divinyls. I, on the other hand, felt the video could have been more explicit. Apparently, singing about female masturbation was disgusting, but doing it on stage with a Puerto Rican flag was just fine.

Normally I don't have a problem with a topless woman (assuming certain look factors), but this one in Oregon is probably going a bit far. She wants to ride her bicycle in the 4th of July parade wearing nothing but a g-string. A hemp one. Bet that itches. Even though the parade is to be family appropriate, she plans on doing it because it's obviously about her. Granted, she moved to the right town since one of the city councilmen is as dumb as she is as he says, "an interesting commentary on our society that we're willing to tolerate dead bodies through our aggressive foreign policy from the war, but not healthy, naked bodies." Yeah, that's a comparable issue. Plus, I didn't see where anyone wanted to enter a float of dead bodies in the parade either.

Here's a rather strange story. A man is jailed for sexual assault and illegally using a stun gun, because he used it to coerce his girlfriend into having sex. According to the headline, but not really according to the article. All he did was turn it on after she refused to jump his bone. He didn't have sex with her. He didn't use it on her. She walked out on her own. I'm missing the assault.

I've done some rather stupid things while drunk. And some others while sober. However, I don't think I've ever been so drunk that I got married and forgot about it. And a wedding with a tranny doesn't count. But it happened to this poor sap who tried to re-marry, but since he had moved to the US, immigration authorities told him he was already married. Makes sense. Can't keep a flood of border crossers, but they've got records from a drunken wedding in 1978.

A stranded hiker was rescued after she hooked her bra to a cable line running through the mountains. It alerted rescuers to where she might be. I'm sure at that point the searchers were re-energized once they learned the person they were looking for might be a naked woman. Hell, I might even hike up a mountain if you tell me there's a nekkid chick up there.

I don't like to ridicule other cultures. I love to ridicule other cultures. Yet, I find myself at a bit of a loss with this story. Apparently in Albania, women in families without men (well, living or out of jail) would sometimes become men. Simply by dressing as men and swearing never to have their cherry popped. So, a fairly misogynistic culture is willing to equate an intact hymen with a penis? I'm not sure if that can be considered progress or not. Either way, it's pretty friggin' weird.

I had been pretty much ignoring the female-teacher-screws-male-student stories. For one, it makes me irritated to see how little jail time these women seem to get compared to how much men boning teenage girls get. Not that I have a lot of sympathy for the men. I can legally lay some pipe to a 16 year old, but that doesn't mean I would. Well, I wouldn't brag about it. The other reason I've been ignoring these stories is that they really seem to be multiplying which proves a college degree doesn't make people smart. So, there has to be angle to the story. And this one has two. For one, she's 60 years old. My first thought was "Ewwww". Then I saw her picture and thought "not bad for 60" (I'm sure hair dye is involved). Twenty years from now, I'll probably be like "I'd hit that in a second". But enough of my fetishes. The other angle was the fact that she had a threesome with a 17 and 14 year old. WTF? This pisses me off. I've never had a threesome (and I won't if it includes two guys). Yet, some snotnosed-just-learned-to-spank-it 14 year old has? I don't care who he was nailing, that pisses me off. If I wasn't so cheap I would be selling my plasma in order to get two Cambodian chicks from one of those massage parlors. You know. Just to make things right.

A picture can mean a lot. Another story deals with bestiality which is offensive even to me. A woman was making videos of herself with her dogs and they weren't playing Frisbee. Authorities want to seize the dogs and put them down. I wasn't sure if that was the thing to do. How scarred could the dogs be by the experience (and it's not like they would have stopped humping your leg anyway)? Then I saw her picture. And not only did I say "Ewwww", but I vomited, and I don't think it was from mixing Coke (the only cola worth buying) and Cinnamon Schnapps. Yeah, kill those poor sons of bitches (a perfectly proper term in this case). The shame alone of banging that woman is enough.

And then there's Pamela Anderson. Not an especially talented woman (did you know Barbed Wire is a "remake" of Casablanca?), but she had a great rack. Even before the plastic surgery. Yet, silicone does not raise IQ levels. She now says that the only person she would ever marry now is ex-something or other Tommy Lee. I saw his reality show where he was at the University of Nebraska (a lot of people should have lost their jobs over that one) so it can't be his personality. I'm an 80s guy so I like Motley Crue, but that isn't enough. Oh wait, I saw their sex tape. I don't think she wants him back for his personality or his music. It's something a bit lower. The guy steered a boat without his hands. Apparently, that's enough to overcome some personal vices. Like having a contest with your bandmate to see who can go the longest without bathing and still get laid. Or who can get a groupie to vomit on their johnson first. I can't remember which. Damn, I should have learned to play the guitar. Hey, Spitzer, glad you traded in the music for a corporate job?

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Bikini Jelly-Wrestling & Other Stories

Usually when the University of Cambridge was mentioned (it's on some island somewhere), the old image I held was usually of a stodgy button down place of academic learning with tea and crumpets. Apparently, I was mistaken. They host a jelly-wrestling match. I think jello is called jelly in England. At least I hope so, because wrestling in Smucker's would just be silly. Well, anyway it became news because the "big girl" lost her match, wigged out, punched a heckler and head butted a bouncer. Now, if she was good enough to take out the bouncer, she should be good enough to win a jello wrestling match (or the hosting group needs to contract out some better bouncers). And that's what the problem was. She probably did win the match, but scoring was based on who got more cheers so the uglier girl was at a disadvantage. What an injustice that this poor girl wrestled half-nekkid for people's amusement and was denied a win due to such a draconian system. In an effort to stop the cycle of violence that comes from jello wrestling contests, I think it's time to establish an international commission to establish rules for jello wrestling which should also cover mud, hot oil, mashed potato and oatmeal wrestling (but not creamed corn because that smells). I offer my services to just such a commission.

As much as I hate to say it about a culture that gave us the Yubiwa pipe and calculator wristwatch, the Japanese are a bunch of freaks. Sure, when I first heard about the big busted robotic girlfriends, I may have placed an order for six or 23 or so. Then I read it was barely a foot tall. What a bunch of weirdos. And then there's the porn. Old people porn. The Japanese market for videos of old people having sex is on the rise. And the story focuses on a 74 year old retiree who is still making movies and growing quite popular. Nice touch that he uses his stage name for the article because he doesn't want his family to know what he does. Right, because if they read the article, they won't know it's him if they don't use his real name. I'm sure his daughter won't be at all curious that a news story on porn has a picture of Daddy on a DVD box.

From old people porn to old porn (I have such great segues). A couple of broadcast TV stations in The Netherlands have decided to show the hardcore porno Deep Throat. Some might consider it a classic, but it really wasn't that good although it had the benefit of no 74 year old men in it. And another thought. Who wants to watch a porno with commercial interruptions? Also, what I found ironic about the story is that it says "In the Netherlands, it is more or less a taboo on even speculation on banning any media expression whatever." Really? Is that the same Netherlands where a cartoonist was recently arrested for publication of cartoons that were critical of Muslims? So, let me get this straight. A hardcore movie about a woman with a clitoris in the back of her throat is free speech worth protection, but political commentary will send you to jail? And some people really believe we could learn something from Europe outside of how to make good pasta?

Well, maybe there is something we can learn from Europe. The CEO of a European airline company may or may not have been joking when he said he was going to have a new airline which would charge economy class passengers a pittance while offsetting that with a very high business class ticket. They'll be able to do that by adding free oral sex as a perk for business class. Definitely have to police the curtain between those two sections. I think it's a great idea, and not because I dream of getting a hummer while flying. With the price of airline tickets, I would be perfectly happy to have my cheap seat subsidized by someone who is willing to pay a lot more to include a stewardess' face in his lap.

This was a moderately interesting story. An 1878 phone book is expected to sell for over $30K at auction because it is one of the earliest ones ever printed. Of course, my office phone list is longer. I just wished I had known old phone books could be valuable. Several years ago I dropped a transmission outside of Etown. This is a small quaint community off I-65, and where I'm pretty sure they filmed Deliverance and The Last House On The Left. All I know is that I was stuck there for two days waiting for the parts to fix my transmission, and I discovered two things. It's a dry town which was bad. The only restaurant close to me was Mr. Gatti's which wasn't bad. And I had to stay at the Lincoln Trail Motel. The shower heads were chest level and the only channel that came in semi-clearly was VH1 which was showing those teen idol shows they were obsessed with for awhile. So, I'm stuck in a localized version of the Bates Motel watching David Cassidy's Behind The Music while sober. I won't speculate on what level of Hell that represented. Oh, and the phone book was from the late 60s and in mint condition.

Out in California, some high school senior hacked into the school's computer in order to change his F grades to As, and now he's facing 38 years in jail although I think it's pretty obvious that he won't actually serve that much time even if his name is Omar Khan. I could point out the obvious issues here. How can you fail all your classes but be smart enough to pull off this stunt. Or lamenting how much cheating goes on in schools now. Instead, I'm going to point out the author of the article compared it to Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Well, I know my 80s movies pretty well, and Ferris Bueller hacked into the school's computer to change his attendance record. It was Matthew Broderick's character in WarGames who hacked into the school's system to change his (and his whore girlfriend's) grades. Don't these newspapers have editors?

I never liked being stung by bees. So, if I found out that I had 60,000 of those bastards living in the walls of my house, I would not be as concerned about their survival like this guy was. Actually, what got me was how he figured out they were there. He tasted a stain on the wall and realized it was honey. Excuse me? What kind of sick bastard goes around licking whatever gunk is oozing out of his walls?

Some guy lost 80 pounds and did it by eating only at McDonald's. I'm sure a lot of people are surprised because they watched Super Size Me and assumed you can't lose weight while eating McDonald's. Well, the premise of that movie was stupid. Morgan Spurlock ate 5000 calories worth of food a day. Of course you're going to get fat if you eat that much. I'll explain this little bit of science to you. If you ingest more calories than you burn through metabolism and exercise, you will gain weight. It doesn't matter where those calories came from. It only matters how many. I never eat at McDonald's or much fast food at all, but that hasn't made me thin. This guy lost weight because he ate lower calorie foods which, believe it or not, are on the menu at McDonald's. I knew this was possible because two other people did 30 days eating only at McDonald's and also lost weight. One did it by eating light. The other did it by eating the same 5000 calories as Spurlock but exercising. Now, Spurlock may have also been trying to make the point about McDonald's marketing and customer communication, but it's pretty obvious his point was simply to attack McDonald's and not investigate this issue in any real sense. John Stossel asked him if eating 5000 at a nice restaurant wouldn't have the same affect. His response was "I don't know". Well, if he's too stupid to know what would likely happen, he has no business making documentaries about what foods make you fat.

I thought I hated housework, but an Italian guy kidnapped his ex-girlfriend and made her do chores. I don't know why I didn't think of that. Other than the fact that I have no idea where any of my ex-girlfriends are. Well, except the ones buried back in............let's just say those are unaccessible. I understand needing help with the housework, but it was really stupid to kidnap her from a bar where she was with friends who probably know who he is. And women will always blab to the cops about your little misdeeds.

Let's switch gears and look at a real love story. Or something horribly freaky that sorta involves love. A man was arrested in Paraguay because he got married and was later accused of being a woman. His defense was a rather novel one. He was checked out and found to be a hermaphrodite with dominant male genitalia. Now, there's a story to tell the kids. Strangely enough, I didn't find "spend next day inspecting the groom's junk" as one of the "World's Weirdest Wedding Customs." Maybe it's only localized in parts of Paraguay. I was surprised to see that "having a threesome with the maid of honor" wasn't listed on there either. I've seen a lot of movies where that happened.

And more Tommy Seebach:

Friday, June 20, 2008

Stupid Teenagers & Other Stories

One of the supposed benefits of Barak Obama's candidacy is that it gets young people excited about the political process and makes them want to vote. Well, I don't want them to vote. Young people are stupid. That's the last group I wanted deciding anything. Case in point, a high school in Masshole Central has a pregnancy problem because a bunch of idiot teen girls (only 2 years from voting eligibility) agreed to all get pregnant together. Supposedly they want that unconditional love that a baby provides (along with spit up, dirty diapers and stretched out.....well nevermind). Here's an idea. Getting a friggin' dog, you stupid stupid bitches. One of them actually got knocked up a homeless bum in his mid-20s (bet he's bragging about that to the crazy cat lady while sharing a can of Sterno). I really have to question her looks if that's the best she could do. She's in a high school full of guys in perpetual heat, and she has to knock boots with a homeless guy?

Heck, these dummies will probably fall for Obama's latest hogwash as he blatantly breaks a pledge made back in November to accept public financing for the general election (like every major party candidate has since public financing began). I could use this opportunity to point out that, unlike his manufactured image, Obama is again acting like a typical politician. Except he's really not. Politicians normally aren't this brazen about their deception. It's almost tough to describe how full of hypocritical shit he is on this issue. Now, I don't like public financing of campaigns, but Obama is a (pretend) "reformer" which is why he talked up public financing back then. It wasn't broken then, but it's broken now. Mainly because he knows he can raise more money than he'd get in the public financing. So, how is it broken? Supposedly because lobbyists and special interests are able to gain advantages in a system where they can help a candidate get elected. Now, public financing means you take money from the government for your campaign instead of taking it from private citizens which can include lobbyists, bundlers and pretty much anyone else. That means fundraisers and big money supporters can't buy access to you with campaign donations. So, how exactly is eschewing public money in favor of campaign donations from big fundraisers with an ax to grind going to fix the system?

Obama's statement was so full of shit that I was really shocked that he didn't just bite the bullet and admit he was opting out because he could raise more money without it. He said Republicans take lobbyist money which insinuates he doesn't. Except the article from The Hill quotes one of Obama's big money fundraisers, Wade Randlett. Well, Wade just happens to be a lobbyist. Obama also claims to fear Republican 527s (outside groups that fall outside campaign finance laws), but in 2004, 527s allied with the Democrats outspent those pushing Republicans. By a lot. And finally, Obama thinks because so much of his money comes from small donors via the internet which is a crock. A person is only allowed to donate $4600 ($2300 in the primary and general election) to a candidate. Total. Yet, if you donate less than $200, there's no disclosure requirements. Anyone could go online, set up a $199 donation to a campaign and click submit about 100 times (which isn't really that hard). Voila. You've contribute a lot more than the max. Pure hypocrisy. I think the only people who can't see through the BS probably made a pact to get pregnant in the 10th grade.

But Obama got an endorsement from Al Gore last week. Everyone knows you're not going to endorse a Republican, so you waited until after the Democratic primary is over to endorse a candidate. Way to go out on a limb, Al. What next? Are you going to teach him how to "green" your house and still manage to increase your electric usage?

Then, there's Canada where it's been decided that enabling stupid children is the point of the court system. Some douchebag judge decided that she could decide whether or not a 12 year old girl could be grounded for disobeying her parents. The girl was grounded after posting pictures of herself on a dating site. So, the girl's lawyer and judge decided that they are a better arbiter of parental authority than a parent. Oh, and apparently, there's nothing wrong with 12 year olds posting their pictures on a dating website. Wonder if she'll be pregnant before she's 16. I like how the lawyers both said that this case is unique with a special set of circumstances. No it's not. There are a lot of retarded judges and lawyers out there willing to indulge a spoiled little brat.

I mentioned before that Tiger Woods beating Rocco Mediate in a playoff to win the US Open with a bad wheel was overhyped when you consider that other guys played football on broken legs which is probably a little harder to do than play golf. But after hearing that he's out for the rest of the year to have surgery, maybe I should rethink it. I have. The PGA is full of pussies. All those golfers in the field and the playoff came down to a guy with a bad leg facing off a guy with a bad back. Man, those other guys should certainly be proud of themselves.

About as proud as the LA Lakers. The Celtics were obviously the better team. Somehow Doc Rivers is now being seen as a good coach, but that's a joke. The fact that Atlanta and Cleveland took Boston to 7 games tells me all I need to know about Rivers' coaching ability. The Celtics had three perennial All-Stars this year. A retarded monkey on crack could have won the finals with that (and also drafted better than Walt). Yet, that doesn't mean the Lakers weren't an embarrassment. Too much soft Eurotrash in key positions. They lost the last game by 39 points. That was the second worst loss in finals history. But even more, the worst loss was a game three when a team might slack off during an obvious loss to save themselves for the next game. This was an elimination game. You lose and it's over. The Lakers pretty much quit at the half. Sad.

When you add my clumsiness to a lack of consideration for my own well-being, I've had some rather strange injuries. I've just never been injured by my underwear. This woman was injured when some metal part on her thong snapped out and hit her in the eye while she was putting them on. I think what initially stood out to me was the fact that she is 52 and wearing butt floss. I tried to find a picture of her to see if she could pull it off. I saw a video, and I'm not real sure she shouldn't be trying a new style. However, it was only from the waist up so I couldn't see if she had a big ass. If I was Victoria's Secret, I would make the case she was trying on a size too small which caused it to break. Even if you lose, embarrass her some.

Here's a better thong story (warning: link not safe for work). A bunch of Austrian chicks beat a bunch of Kraut chicks in beach soccer in a kind of reverse Anschluss but not really. What made it good is that it was topless. Well, they had body paint for pseudo-shirts. However, I had two thoughts. One is that the article said they were wearing thongs, but those really didn't look like thongs (and why no pictures from behind for proper verification?). Second, shouldn't the goalie have been painted a different color?

Let's get back to stupid teenagers for a moment. A new liability problem has erupted because a chaperon has been sued because some 18 year old high school student couldn't hold her liquor and died after hang gliding off her hotel balcony without a hand glider. Sorry. Your daughter was 18. I was 17 when my parents sent me to a college 750 miles away from them. The woman may have been a chaperon, but at that age, the girl needed to take some responsibility for herself. Let's ask this question. If the chaperon had tried to stop her from drinking, what could she have done? Spank her? Threaten to send her home? I'm willing to bet the chaperon isn't given any disciplinary control over a legal adult.

Those who know me may be aware of the contempt I have for the United Nations. Well, now the special rapporteur (French for worthless waste of time and money) who is supposed to be checking on the Israeli treatment of Palestinians (but ignoring Palestinian treatment of Israelis or other Palestinians) wants an investigation into whether the 9/11 attacks were an American government plot. Because both the World Trade Center and Pentagon are located somewhere in the Gaza Strip, I guess. It's bad enough that we give 25% of the UN's funding, but we also give them prime New York real estate to house our enemies and a bunch of people who just don't like us. There's a lot of people who don't like me. I'm fine with that, but I wouldn't let them sleep on my couch. Well, Phil did sort of stay with me for a month, but I didn't pay him a salary.

Interesting crime story. A group of women were apparently dressing as nurses to snatch purses from old women. The theory is that the geriatrics would be lulled into a false sense of security if nurse walked up to them. Kind of reminds me of the time a nurse followed me through a parking lot offering me prostate exams. Or else I was following her and asking for one. I really can't remember. Things were a bit hazy that day.

A new study says drinking lots of coffee is good for you. Hell Yeah. I don't have too many other healthy habits. Well, none that I can think of, so this puts one in my column.

And finally, someone compiled a list of the worst album covers ever. I think the first thought that came to mind was that there was something seriously wrong going on in the 1970s. I also remember the trauma children suffered watching that freak Slim Goodbody (album #26). I wanted to get Julie's Sixteenth Birthday (album #36), but I decided to wait until the movie comes out. And finally, I can't believe there is a Tommy Seebach album (#30) on this list. He's the genius who gave us this video:


Monday, June 16, 2008

Kate Beckinsale's Butt & Other Stories

I found this a semi-tragic story. Kate Beckinsale wants a body double because she doesn't want to show her butt (literally, not figuratively) in a movie. Ms. Low Self-Esteem thinks her butt is too big. I'm not too sure why that's a big deal. Check her picture opposed to another "celebrity" whose entire career is based on having a big ass. Well, and a very poorly done sex tape. Maybe Kate needs to release a sex tape in order to get over her insecurity. Please? I don't ask for much. Truthfully, I'm really having a problem with the whole story. Does she not recognize what has led to her success? I've only seen like three movies she's been. Van Helsing and the two Underworld movies. I don't think anyone watched them for her acting ability. I think the way she filled out a skintight leather outfit in a video game based movie and some medieval bodice (French for "pushes up knockers") had a lot more to do with her success.

This is what I consider a column written by a moron. Some dork is worried about the decline of newspapers. Well, I'm worried too because I would not be able to read Get Fuzzy without them. Oh wait. Unless they went online. Now, the main point of this column isn't that we may lose our beloved comics (and crappy ones like For Better Or For Worse). It's that we may lose common knowledge and perspective. He wants new writers to go out and broaden their horizons. This is utter horsecrap. Why do I need a newspaper when I can the news online? Let me look at the Sunday Herald-Leader and see what it has in section A. One article on Ichthus and three more on high school sports transfer rules (I didn't go to high school in KY nor do I have children so I don't care). Those are the only articles that were done locally. Everything else came from the national beat of the AP, New York Times or McClatchy Newspaper services. I doubt there is a whole lot of differing experiences or perspectives out of those groups. National level reporters generally go to the same schools and go through the same training. If you ever watch them in a panel discussion, it seems like a very insulated world.

And a news story over the weekend shows how insulated it is. Did anyone see the news that Tim Russert died? I wasn't sure if maybe some readers had been on a trip to Mongolia and missed it. Maybe that's sorta mean, but while I actually liked Russert as a newsman, the whole wall-to-wall coverage over the weekend of his untimely death was a bit much. I was at my grandparents where they flip through the different news networks, and obviously MSNBC was the worst. They did not cover another story all day Saturday. And it was all personal remembrances. Not to sound callous, but you don't treat the death of a newsman as if he was a head of state (of an important country). There's a absurd level of self-importance that news people put on themselves. Russert was good at what he did, but he was raised almost to the level of a deity (or Barak Obama). Someone will take his place. They may not do as well, but the media will continue on.

Of course, I don't think anyone should have gone the Chris Matthews route. Both Matthews and Russert were political operatives before moving into journalism. Well, before Russert moved into journalism. Matthews is still a political operative with his own TV show. Russert was actually quite competent, so he got people to watch his show. Again, unlike Matthews. Russert actually had some class. Again unlike Matthews who decided the death of Russert was a good time to turn the attention to much more important stuff. Like how much smarter Matthews is than Russert.

Hey, I've always said if you can't be professional as a journalism, at least be funny. Actually, I never said that but it fits the clip.

Another story making big news over the weekend was Tiger Woods playing the US Open with a sore knee. Apparently, this was the greatest act of personal courage since David faced Goliath with only a sling and the strength of Yahweh (not to be confused with Barak Obama). I also used the term Yahweh as a shout out (is that still the term that the kids use) to my four years in a Jewish fraternity. But I digress. Sorry, if I don't genuflect at Woods' feet for this awesome achievement. He needed a playoff to beat Rocco Mediate (not to be confused with Rocco Siffredi who is in a different field entirely even though it also includes a stick and hole). This is a guy who took five years off from pro golf because of a back problem. Sorry, I saw Byron Leftwich play a college football game after he broke his leg. Hell, that's nothing compared to Jack Youngblood. He was a defensive lineman who broke his leg in a playoff game. He taped it at the half. Played the second half and then two more games after that, including the Super Bowl. Playing a few rounds of golf on a sore ankle isn't even as impressive as that midget gymnast who did the vault on a sprained ankle.

The UN Human Rights Council is finally taking a rogue regime to task for its human rights abuses. They are telling England it needs to give up its monarchy even though it has no political power left and is simply for tourists. Remind again how much money the United States gives to this complete joke of an organization? I guess they've cleaned up all the human rights abuses from other countries. My guess is there next target is the statue of The Little Mermaid in Copenhagen because it's about a character by Hans Christian Andersen whose middle name might make Muslims feel offended (and that usually leads to someone getting killed). And I'm sure if I hold my breath, the council will get right on Iran for arresting people who convert to Christianity. But it's not like they've executed them yet.

Now, in important world news, Katherine Heigl has withdrawn her name from Emmy consideration because she thinks her role on Grey's Anatomy wasn't juicy enough this year. I'm sure starving children in Zimbabwe will cheer her great sacrifice to artistic integrity. Except I've actually seen an episode of that show and artistic integrity flew out the window long before the first episode aired. It has nothing to do with how odd looking I think Sandra Oh is. It's the fact that the one time I watched it was because I was spending the night at my aunt and uncle's house and my aunt was a fan. I asked for basic background info on the show and it pretty much was "who slept with who and why". And that was pretty much it. So, the basic premise of this show is pretty much the same as a porno movie. I guess Chasey Lain will take the Emmy next year for How The West Was Hung.

Now if this story pans out, it could be very nice. A start up company has genetically altered bugs (my guess is microbes) that can feed on organic garbage (just like Freegans) and crap oil therefore becoming productive members of society (unlike the Freegans). Kind of makes Mickey's line from Rocky, "you're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder", seem a little tame. Crapping thunder may not lead to energy independence. I'm not sure it'll pan out. The writer seems excited, but he's so knowledgeable about the subject that he thinks petroleum can be put right into a gas tank rather than go through an arduous process of refining it into gasoline. And I'm sure the Democrats will find a way to ban it in their quest for $6 a gallon gas. I can almost hear Dick Durbin say, "we can't bug shat our way to lower gas prices."

In a not-as-interesting-as-bug-shat-to-oil scientific story, a 2000 year old date seed from Masada was planted and is growing. Big deal. Some seeds just need to grow. When I was about 10, I decided to grow a watermelon patch in our suburban neighborhood outside Louisville. I saved some seeds from a watermelon we butchered and basically planted them next to the house. I didn't know how much room you really needed for a watermelon patch. That crap grew everywhere. It was like kudzu. It wouldn't stop. Well, it eventually did once the damned dog discovered just how comfortable a giant bed of watermelon vines was. In hindsight, I'll eat watermelon, but it's not something I'll go out of my way to get. Why the Hell was I planting watermelon in the backyard?

And finally, a nice story about college. Two guys are in a bit of trouble. Apparently, they noticed two girls dyking it out in a room across from their dorm. Being the modern technological era, they taped it and posted it where others could watch. Now, this is obviously a complete invasion of privacy, and I've never been a blame the victim type person, but I do have a question for the ladies. You live in a room that can apparently be seen from other buildings. When you decided to do a little tuna thumping, did it ever occur to you to close the curtains? When I was in college, I lived on a third floor of a dorm in a small town that didn't have any buildings around it that could see into it. Yet, when I became "intimate", I still closed the blinds. Of course, I was always concerned with a rupture causing massive deflation and "her" flying out the window. Still, in this day and age, what were they thinking? I'm not a complete degenerate. If I looked out my window and saw two girls going at it, I may not run looking for a video camera, but I'm probably going to watch. Assuming of course that they were worth watching. And that's my big problem with the whole story. I'm not expecting the news site to include the video itself (damn them), but how about a picture of the women involved? I want to know if watching them eat lunch at the Y was worth a possible jail term.

On second thought, there are times when seeing a picture of someone involved in a newsworthy sex act isn't worth it. I think what makes it worse is the fact that the student got involved in a lesbian relationship with a lunch monitor. Talk about slumming. Come on. If you're going to go down on someone in authority at school, at least make it a teacher who can fix grades for you. What can you get from a lunch monitor? Free cuts on pizza day?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Sex Change For Kids & Other Stories

Here's a story that proves that having a medical degree doesn't necessarily mean you have any damned sense at all. A pediatrician at the (soon-to-be-not-all-that) respected Boston's Children Hospital is offering to treat children as young as 7 if they think they are the wrong sex. Basically, he wants to dope them up so they don't hit puberty. Brilliant. First off, I may not have children, but I've been around them. I wouldn't trust them to decide what juice box they want with their lunch. I certainly wouldn't take their word for what gender they want to be. We're talking about the age group that asks for the most expensive present in the store for Christmas, but then dumps it 20 minutes after opening it because they want to play with the box the new dishwasher came in. Second, I've said before that sex change operations are garbage. This is the result of a mental problem. If you've got a headcase on your hands, fix the friggin' noggin. A massive surgical operation is not really the best way to treat something. They don't amputate limbs because some schmuck decides he really doesn't need his legs. They probably will eventually, because we've become a society that doesn't want to admit that someone is nutjob.

Speaking of nutjobs, I'm still trying to guess what happened here. A man was found dead by the side of a dirt road. He had cobra bites on his leg and cheek. He had a dead cobra in his hand which he apparently had chewed on a bit. Oh, and he was wearing a condom that he had not done his business in yet. Authorities are baffled. What's scary is the least strangest possibility is the guy was about to get busy with a street whore, got bit by a passing snake and decided to take it into death with him. Strangest possibility? I'm not real sure how you have sex with a cobra, but it's probably not a good idea.

I was watching a recording of my favorite news program Red Eye. It was from some day within the past week. One of the guests was Hal Sparks who had a Charles Manson hairdo and was promoting a VH1 show called Celebracadabra which seeks to find out who is the "Best Celebrity Magician". I'm not going to get into the issue of whether VH1 is guilty of false advertising for saying Sparks is a celebrity or the fact that he's listed as a comedian (my definition of comedian is that you should be somewhat funny). Nor am I going to mention just how stupid the show sounds. I'm just going to mention that Sparks became involved in a discussion on the Belmont where he accused Big Brown of being incredibly inbred which he claimed that he knew all about because he was from Kentucky and knew about inbreeding. Oh, but never fear, Hal said he left because wasn't inbred enough to stay or something to that affect. I must say Sparks is one of the more embarrassing exports the state of Kentucky has produced in recent years. And remember, we produced Wynonna and Billy Ray Cyrus' soul patch (and at one point, his mullet).

And another Red Eye related moment, host Greg Gutfeld took issue with the two guys in New York who climbed the New York Times building. Gutfeld took issue with the fact that only one was taken into custody while the other was let go. Piss on that. I take issue with the fact that emergency workers were waiting at the top of the building to help them in. Why should they have to risk their lives for these losers? You want to make a spectacle of yourself by climbing a tall building, fine. Now, get your own ass down. You might fall? That's why God gave us spatulas.

There's a group of people out on the west coast, primarily Seattle (of course), that are going through dumpsters for their groceries. They call themselves Freegans. I stick my regular connotation that if you eat out of a dumpster, you are a bum. I think what gets me is the smugness factor of people who are eating out of the trash. At the moment, I'm leaning towards wishing Listeria on them, but I may eventually get to the point I wish Salmonella. Hey, trash eaters, try the tomatoes.

I do not, nor have I ever, lived in Fort Walton Beach. And I could come up with a much better excuse for the cops.

A marriage therapist in England has declared that adultery can be a good thing for marriage. Now, I freely admit that I have violent psychological reactions to betrayals (which I really can't discuss in detail) so maybe I'm alone in finding this theory to be very stupid. Now, in this idiot woman's defense, she does admit you should never let your spouse know about these affairs because it can cause "damage". You think? Some cases have caused homicide. One thing the article didn't mention was the marital status of the therapist. It used the term "Ms." which doesn't indicate whether she's married or not. My guess is that she isn't, because if she is and her husband read her book, his imagination is probably running wild with questions why his wife feels the need to write a whole book saying adultery can be OK. Or else he's running off to the nearest harlot with his pants at half mast because he thinks he's been given a free pass.

I'm sorta watching the NBA Finals game tonight. I have it on, but I really don't care who wins. I hate Kobe Bryant so I don't want the Lakers to win. I hate Boston fans (biggest whining pussies out there) and don't like anyone on the team, so I don't want them to win. The biggest NBA story isn't the Finals. It's a newly convicted referee/gambler who is claiming that a lot of games were fixed by the NBA, and not just by him who was in hock to a bunch mob connected bookies. Well, I'm not going to call him a liar, but he's just trying to get out of more jail time for failure to pay restitution. Actually, one of the things not in his favor for me is that the games he brings up were ones that were already considered corrupt by basketball fans. The 2002 Western Conference Finals? Who needed a former ref (who didn't work the game) to tell me something wasn't kosher about that one when the Lakers had 27 free throws in the fourth quarter alone? Damn, if I had reffed that game and did it clean, I would probably admit to fixing it because I would rather people think I was corrupt rather than that incompetent. This is why Phil Jackson complaining about foul disparities in Game 2 of this year's Finals was so laughable. Looks different from the other side, doesn't it Phil? The NBA's had a bad reputation for a long time about the belief that refs favor certain teams (home teams, big market) or players (stars). Why are these allegations such a big deal? Did anyone else really believe the Finals would include teams other than LA and Boston this year?

I really don't try to educate people here. Most are adults and beyond hope. However, if you are stalking a woman and like to send video of yourself spanking the monkey to her cell phone, it's best to know if she's at the police station before you send it.

Who says you can't find great info from sports stories? I stumbled across a website about the best restrooms in America in a story about Jerome Bettis' restaurant restrooms. I would ridicule the fact that someone set up a website to rate America's bathrooms, but look at what I write about. But what I found was that one of the Hall of Fame restrooms is one I've been in. Well, not exactly that one. I don't think the men's room at Oxmoor Center in Louisville is that nice. Plus, I usually go to the Mall of St. Mathews which is just down the street. Both have an Sbarro, but Mall of St. Mathews also has a Cinnabon. On the down side, I once ran into Walt at Mall of St Mathews. I kid. I liked Walt just fine.

I mentioned before that the biggest problem that I have with Barak Obama (besides the obvious socialism that he's advocating) is that his supporters have deified him which I find creepy as Hell. The latest is Jesse Jackson Jr. (Jesse Jackson Sr.'s legitimate son) who actually said after Obama clinched his coronation..........I mean nomination, "the event is so extraordinary that another chapter could be added to the Bible to chronicle its significance." Well, at least he didn't go overboard in his praise of the moment.

Of course, I find this part of the fringe (actually mainstream) that is becoming the norm in the Democratic party. Some wackjobs planning on making some noise at the Democratic convention are concerned over the possiblity that their activities will be broken up by a "brown note" weapon. In full disclosure, the Brown Note episode of South Park was the final straw that caused me to stop watching the show (not the Brown Note part, but the part where Mr. Garrison felt unloved because his father never molested him). I could make a point that the activist group should fear the Brown Note (which doesn't exist) because they are so full of $hit, but that's too easy. Instead, I'll just point out that hippies like this probably eat too much fiber on their gay-ass vegan diets so loose stool is a definite drawback to a normal life.

And in another case of an activist I don't care a lick about, some left wing nutjob Truther is holding a one man hunger strike outside John McCain's hometown office until McCain like talks to him or something. I do have to give him some credit for consistent belief when he claims that Popular Mechanics is in on the vast conspiracy. Still, he's a stupid bastard and I'm angry that McCain agreed to meet with him. I have no problem letting these morons die off one by one.

And finally, a stripper story. Thought you could get away without one, didn't you? In Canada, there is a problem where they don't have enough strippers. The blame is being placed on the government issuing too few immigration visas to Romanian strippers. Now, I don't know too much about the problems of Canadian strip joints. Or Canadians in general. Such silly, useless people. However, if the internet has taught me anything, women from former Eastern European Communist dictatorships are freaks. Get all of them you can.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

The Belmont Ending & Other Stories

How sad for Rick Dutrow. When his horse is the favorite to win the Belmont, he's everywhere telling us how Big Brown can't lose. After Big Brown loses big, he's nowhere to be found. Probably rethinking his guarantee that the Patriots would win the Super Bowl. Of course, considering this was Rick Dutrow, I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't bet $100 grand on Big Brown. Still, it's nice to see that I'm not the only one who was happy with Big Brown losing. It's really bad when a fellow trainer openly gloats about your loss. I'd like to see a Triple Crown winner sometime, but I don't want it to happen just to happen. I certainly don't want an undeserving winner. And I'm definitely not like those who believe "it's about the horse." It is a horse. Does anyone really believe that Big Brown understands that he lost the Triple Crown? As long as they rubbed him down and fed him, he was fine.

That's why it was so tiring to hear the commentators insist that something must have been wrong with Big Brown and that's why he lost. At first, I could see them thinking that. The jockey did pull him up going down the stretch, but Kent Desormeaux did ride him down to the dismount area which is a pretty good indication that the horse wasn't hurt. The on track vet said it didn't look like anything was wrong. Then Kent pretty much said there wasn't anything physically wrong with the horse, and that he was probably tired which means Kent just admitted to a racing offense. Unless there is something wrong with your horse, you have to ride out the race because even if you aren't going to win, people could still have your horse in bets that go down to fourth place. It won't happen due to the PR side, but Kent could be fined for it. So, in essence, all the jockey did by pulling him up was protect the brand of Big Brown (it's better for his rep to say he was pulled up rather than that he lost). Oh, and it also made people watching the race worry that another tragic breakdown may be occurring in a high profile race. Thanks Kent.

Yet, even after all that, the commentators still insisted something was wrong with the horse. Well, there was. It's called NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Damn, if I had a dollar for every time a horse I bet on just didn't feel like running, I would have enough to pay for Big Brown's stud fee next year (and then I would have to get a mare or a freaky woman and a video camera). Sometimes they just don't fire. Some tried to excuse it by blaming a quarter crack on his hoof (lots of horses have run with worse), his training was messed up by the injury (if he was good enough.......) or he was taken off his monthly steroid injection. Well, that last one might be true, but I don't think these horses should be on regular steroid injections so if not running on it showed his true ability, then good. So, he was a good horse, not a great one.

I mentioned a couple of posts ago how councils in England are run by retardedly stupid people. They'll stand up to some grandmother wanting to put in a wading pool, but they must be terrified of the garbage men. They've allowed them to institute a policy where they don't have to empty wheeled garbage bins if they can't easily pull them with two fingers. Oh, and they don't actually have to dump the cans like the olden days. They have a hydraulic lift that dumps them. Gee, I bet you never have to worry about these guys just getting lazy and slapping stickers on cans.

Oh well. At least they are inconsistent. Some whackjob who stabbed her fiance 37 times is expected to get out of prison in 2011after only 14 years time. Nice. Protect the garbage men from garbage, but put a nutsack slasher back on the street. Next thing you know England will be let dangerous terrorists live freely in the country on the public dole rather than deporting them. Oh wait.........

And the Eliot Spitzer hooker case is back again. I mentioned a couple of months back that the little tart was suing Girls Gone Wild, but I was happy she wasn't claiming defamation. Well, I just didn't wait long enough. Apparently, she is now claiming damage to her reputation. Because being outed as a hooker must not be a stigma anymore. Her suit doesn't make much sense because she's claiming that the "he falsely advertised that she performed for its cameras, and falsely advertised its offer to her of a $1 million contract." The second part is a really weird statement because I know he did advertise the offer so if it was false, she had to have tried to collect on it. If that's the case, you can't claim you were defamed because he changed his mind after finding he has a video of you. As for the first, it doesn't make sense either. I saw a clip from the video where she was doing a "sexy" dance, except she wasn't doing very good. I hope she's better at screwing because she really couldn't dance that well. Still, even a bad performance is still a performance.

This column from a San Francisco newspaper does a really good job of explaining why I have a hard time understanding the whole Obama phenomenon. Actually, considering Hillary got as many if not more total votes than Obama, there seems to be a large media manufactured frenzy to it. Plus, I could toss this column away as the insane rantings of a Left Coast moron (which it really is), but others seem to be following this line of thought. The guy actually calls Obama a Lightworker which is some kind of New Age spiritual leader who will bring peace and stability to the galaxy. Kind of like the Force I guess. I really think some of Barak's supporters need to stop huffing paint because this whole cult thing is becoming a bit creepy. The whole Obamessiah thing is so bizarre to me because I can look beyond last August. It's only been a few years since Obama was an undistinguished state senator from Illinois who was peddling favors for a guy who runs ping pong tournaments and just happened to have Obama on a retainer. Sorry if I can't see the move from machine politician to deity on earth.

This was a pretty pathetic story. A video shows a man crossing the street get plowed into by a car veering into the oncoming lane while making an illegal pass. The guy lays there without anyone helping. Even better, if you look up the street in the video, someone actually backs up and turns around once they see him laying there. Way to stand proud Hartford, Connecticut.

Last week the Danish Embassy in Pakistan was hit with a suicide car bomb. This week the Pakistani ambassador to Denmark has placed the blame squarely on Danish newspapers for reprinting Muhammad cartoons. Let's see. Who would I give more blame to? A group of people exercising the press freedoms that are a major part of the civilized world? I don't think so. How about a culture so insecure and debased that murdering people over newspaper cartoons isn't just understood, it's expected?

Apparently, the ideological heirs to the Pakistani ambassador can be found in Canadian universities. Student government czars at York University have found a novel solution to the pesky problem of students who oppose abortion. Simply ban them from speaking their side of the debate. It's got to be easier than standing around with fingers in your ears and screaming. The nerve of some students to have contrary opinions. Actually, I'm not really surprised by this. Liberals are very intolerant people.

While it may appear that way, I don't avoid fruits and vegetables like they contain the plague. Now, I'm not a huge watermelon fan, but I do enjoy it sometimes. However, it is beyond belief to me that anyone would pay six grand for a single watermelon. But that's what happened in Japan. Not that I should be surprised. Japan is also the country with a strange obsession with toys related to taking a crap.

A female railroad employee was awarded almost $200K for sexual harassment. One of the claims was male employees were putting porno mags on her desk (after seeing her picture, they may have just wanted a distraction while talking to her). That's one lucky woman. Not only did get a wad of cash, she got a bunch of free porno magazines.

I always liked to see things go boom, and this video has one of the finest displays of military hardware I've seen in awhile.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

The Belmont

For the seventh time since 1997, a horse is going for the Triple Crown in the Belmont. Big Brown will be a heavy favorite, but contrary to the belief of his trainer, Rick "I'm An Ass" Dutrow, it's not a 'foregone conclusion'. The last six who tried were Smarty Jones (04), Funny Cide (03), War Emblem (02), Charismatic (99), Real Quiet (98) and Silver Charm (97), and they all failed. Frankly, I don't think Big Brown is as good as Smarty, Real Quiet or Silver Charm. It's just the Belmont can be a killer. However, while most people talk about losing the Triple Crown at Belmont, ten horses since 1994 have won at least two legs of the Triple Crown since 1994. Thunder Gulch (95) won the Kentucky Derby and Belmont. Tabasco Cat (94), Point Given (01) and Afleet Alex (05) only lost the Derby. Fusaichi Pegasus (00) won the Derby and probably would have won the Belmont if he hadn't skipped it. I think all of those horses are better than Big Brown.

The point isn't that Big Brown will lose the Belmont. I'm not sure he will because with Casino Drive dropping out, it's not that good of a field. The point is that better horses than him in the past 15 years have failed. I think Big Brown is a product of a bad year for three year olds. Last year's crop of three year olds was great. You had Street Sense, Curlin and Rags To Riches all winning Triple Crown races. All three were really good horses (Curlin has become a great one), and that doesn't include Hard Spun who was also a really good horse. The fact that some horses were spread out almost 50 lengths back shows the Derby field sucked. And the Preakness had no Grade I Stakes winners besides Big Brown. That's the worst Preakness field I've ever heard of. With Casino Drive out, Big Brown isn't facing much in the Belmont either.

Does that mean Big Brown will win? Well, if I had to bet my life on a horse in the Belmont, it would certainly be Big Brown, but I'm not going to bet my money on him. Mainly because his odds will suck. Plus, I don't want to root for him to win. I like the horse fine. I like his jockey. I even like one of his sponsors and I'm hoping they use Hooter girls as hot walkers. But I don't like his trainer. I don't like his owners. Plus, I don't think it will be that good for the sport. I think if Big Brown wins the Derby, he'll never race again. They'll make up some excuse not to run him, and with him having hoof problems, it's already there. If he loses, we may get to see Big Brown face Curlin in the Breeder's Cup. If he beats Curlin, then I will agree on his greatness. If he retires at 6-0 with wins over a bunch of scrub horses, I'll think of him as unproven. I won a lot of money a lot of money when Birdstone went off at 36-1 and beat Smarty Jones in the '04 Belmont, but I was only betting against Smarty over the odds. Not because I didn't want him to win. I don't want Big Brown to win.

And I'm a lot more confident on Big Brown losing the Belmont than I was about him losing the Preakness. I didn't think there was any chance of him losing that one. Now, he's had another foot problem which may not be anything. But you never know. Plus, he's a marked horse. There have been accusations in the past that horses have "ganged up" on a favorite. The theory is they lose intentionally in order to stop another horse from winning. Well, I think it's pretty obvious the lesser horses will go after a favorite, but I really find it hard to believe that a jockey in a big stakes race would intentionally lose out of spite for another horse or its connections. A cheapie race, sure. Not a Triple Crown race. The Belmont purse is $1 million. The first place horse gets 60% with the jockey getting 10% of that. Winning the Belmont means the jockey will get about $60K for 2 1/2 minutes work. Second gets you $20K. Why would you take a chance on that kind of money? I watched the Smarty Jones loss in that Belmont when the jockeys for Rock Hard Ten and Eddington supposedly ran a different style than normal in an effort just to cause Smarty Jones to not get comfortable which led to his loss. Those horses also faded after rushing Smarty Jones which allowed Birdstone to catch Smarty. Well, Eddington and Rock Hard Ten faced Smarty in the Preakness when Smarty won while pulling away. Would it really make sense for those two horses to run the Belmont the same way when they couldn't stay close three weeks before? I don't buy it. I think their jockeys just wanted to get Smarty Jones off his game while hoping they could be there at the end.

So, if Big Brown gets knocked off his game, who can beat him. Well, Casino Drive is out. I'm also throwing out Da' Tara. He'll set the pace, but I can't see him holding on at a mile and half. Anak Nakal hasn't hit the board in 2008 with big losses to a lot of these same horses. Toss those quick. Guadalcanal is a strange case. I'm not sure how he ended up in this race since he's 0-5. Supposedly, his trainer put him in because he's proved in his last race that he can go this distance by barely losing. Except that was on turf. He hasn't proven anything dirt. The fact that his trainer isn't an idiot makes me really curious. I still can't justify him in any way, but I might throw some show money at him. Ready's Echo is another intriguing horse, but one I just can't talk myself into. Some thoughts are that he may like the distance, and he seems to have the ability to close well, but his starts suck. If he can't make up ground in the Peter Pan Stakes, I can't see him doing it here.

That leaves four horses. Tale of Ekati has done well on this track where he won the Wood Memorial, but I'm still not sure he's got the speed to do it. Macho Again and Ichabod Crane were driving at the end of the Preakness, but weren't really close to Big Brown. However, the Belmont is quite a bit longer than the Preakness (in racing terms anyway). Both those horses are rally horses who may be capable of running him down if there is much of a pace. Of the two, I prefer Macho Again as I did in the Preakness. The last contender is Denis of Cork. This horse finished third in the Derby and was well far back. But he was on the move after spending most of the race in last place. So, there's a good chance that with the extra distance and an early pace, he might be able to run down Big Brown. Denis of Cork also hasn't raced since the Derby. Birdstone and Empire Maker were the last two horses to stop a Triple Crown attempt at the Belmont, and both hadn't raced since the Derby. A fresh horse with a rally style running could be the best bet to pull off an upset. I'm probably going to go with with either Macho Again or Denis of Cork across the board. I'll also wait until the post parade to see how they look on the track before making a decision.

There have been some schmucks who are already putting Big Brown in the same class as Secretariat. Well, even if he wins the Triple Crown, I won't put him in Secretariat's class. Not unless he can finish like this:

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Bo Diddley 1928-2008

The death of a great rock n' roll pioneer (he had such great hair)




who was also the punchline of Bo Jackson's best Nike commercial

Monday, June 02, 2008

European Regulations & Other Stories

I think it's pretty obvious that I don't think too much of European nanny-statism, but it's gotten to the point of absurd. In England, the neighborhood councils have so much power that they refused to let a woman put a wading pool in her garden. By wading pool, I mean .....well, wading pool. It's one of those 2 foot deep jobs that's only good for toddlers. Or oatmeal wrestling. The council realized just how stupid they looked, so they told her she could put out a wading pool for her grandchildren. If she got insurance and a lifeguard. I think worst part is that the neighbor manager (my guess is you have to be a unemployed drunkard for that job) decided to defend the idea that a kiddie pool needs a lifeguard by saying "we did not have sufficient assurances that the risks associated with providing such a facility would be well-managed." Facility? Does this ignorant bastard think she's putting in an Olympic size pool? Granted, I'm beginning to think a 2 foot deep pool might be more complicated than he could manage, but I've never felt our laws should be based on the most retarded among us.

And to prove the Chunnel isn't the only thing the Frogs and Limeys have in common, the French have decided that country line dancers need to be protected by the French government from untrained line dance instructors. Let me put this in a way that shows how stupid this is. Apparently in France, there is a criminal way of teaching people how to do the Boot Scootin' Boogie.

And yet, France is also a country where you can get an annulment if you find out someone else popped your bride to be's cherry. Gee, I wonder which religious/ethnic group is going to assert that right. Now, I'm not as outraged as others. If a groom or a bride feels like they were deceived prior to the wedding, annulment should be an option. What gets me about this article was that for this particular ethnic group, it is expected that the groom should come downstairs and show the wedding party the bloody sheets to show that the bride was indeed a virgin. Strangely enough, that's a party I would find an excuse to leave early. No word what a groom is supposed to do if he's a little kinky and wants to engage in other acts. Does he bring down the sheets if they're stained a different color?

I hope government officials don't read this story from Australia because they'll want to regulate the use of washers. Some kangaroo banger managed to put 16 steel washers on his johnson that later had to be cut off by hospital staff. For his sake, I hope they were big ones. I like the line "it is not clear how the situation arose." Since they got stuck, something probably arose. And I'm sure a lot of those firemen bitched to their supervisor that this wasn't something they trained for.

Not that US officials are covering themselves in glory. At least not in New York City. A couple there took the romantic route of getting married by the court clerk. They were turned down because the clerk was "tired and hungry". Let me repeat that. A court clerk was too "tired and hungry"to do her damned job. I'll have to try that one the next time the boss gives me an assignment. Although maybe I'm being too harsh. It's got to be awful tough to have to read a form and have them sign it. The sad thing is it's highly unlikely the clerk will get her ass fired like she should.

But enough of lackluster government bureaucrats. On to my favorite topic - naked women. An Israeli tourist in New Zealand decided to get back at some construction workers when they whistled at her. Her response? She took off her clothes. Man, she showed them. And the cops took her in and lectured her. "She was taken back to the police station and spoken to and told that was inappropriate in New Zealand." What a bunch of homos.

Well, this is certainly an interesting protest. In order to protest the military junta in Myanmar (also known as Burma), Panties For Peace is asking women to send their undies to the Burmese embassy in Canada. I think it's a little discriminatory. Why can't transvestites donate their panties? They're probably bigger. I love the reasoning though. Men in Myanmar fear that touching women's underwear will "sap their power". I think it can happen, but it just depends on how and where they touch women's underwear. I'm not sure getting them in the mail will do it, but I'm willing to offer myself as an experiment. So, any women (no transvestites) who read this need to send me their underwear. And I don't think one pair is enough to do it. Am I the only one who thinks this started as an excuse by men not to help with the laundry?

In a note not intended to be funny, I will give proper credit to all three presidential candidates for joining together to condemn the Sudanese government for their activities in Darfur. At this point, condemning Sudan for Darfur doesn't mean as much as it used to, but I am impressed that they actually used the term "genocide" which while very accurate is politically loaded. And while a lot of big names have joined the Darfur bandwagon in recent years, I can still remember when Nat Hentoff of the Village Voice (no, I don't read the Village Voice except for Hentoff and the personal ads) was the lone voice in the wilderness who would actually write about what was going on there. So, this is progress.

But since I can't mention politics without a dig at someone, Susan Sarandon said something to the effect that she'll move to Canada or Italy if John McCain gets elected. What? No Banger Sisters 2? I don't actually mind when celebrities make political statements, but I do mind when stupid celebrities make political statements. In this case, a stupid celebrity is making a political statement. After all, Sarandon is the one whose endorsement of Barack Obama included the wonderfully thought out reasoning of "I can't wait to see what he stands for." Silly me. I've always picked my candidates based on what they stand for.

In other Hollywood related content, Cracked.com had a list of the 6 Least Plausible Jobs Held by Steven Seagal Characters. I thought they left a big one off. Actor.

In other political news, I saw a headline that said Dan Seals was accused of buying votes by selling gasoline for $1.85. My immediate thought was "Dan Seals? The underated country singer who sang Everything That Glitters (Is Not Gold)? He's running for Congress?" Then I saw the picture and figured pretty quick it was a different Dan Seals. Not sure what gave it away, but it might have been skin tone. Then I tried to figure out how this little stunt could possibly be legal since they are essentially giving over $2 a gallon of gas away to potential voters. Then I realized he was a Democrat running in Illinois so I have no doubt he'll get away with it.

Speaking of stupid, a 17 year old girl was busted for a DUI up in New York. Her attorney called it "not only embarrassing, but demeaning as well." It should be. Her excuse was that she was making out with a drunk guy and that's how she ended up blowing twice the legal limit. She should be embarrassed if that's the best excuse she could come up with. Still, if true, I was intrigued. If she can suck a .15 BAC out of some guy's lungs, how well can she.............figure it out for yourself.

In other crime news, a man dressed as a woman was arrested for groping elderly choir members of a church. In a related story, I proceeded to vomit after seeing the mugshot of this guy. Sure, I can understand dressing as a woman as the means to grope women who wouldn't want me touching them (and there are a lot of them), but I can't figure out why he went after geriatrics.

As a Steelers fan, this is hilarious. If you're a Bengals fan, probably not so much. Cincinnati wide receiver and general pain in the ass Chad Johnson is being sued for putting something up for raffle and then changing his mind or some such crap. Doesn't matter to me, but this characterization is gold. Opposing counsel says this about Johnson's intelligence, "mental agility of a small soap dish." Not a large soap dish. A small one. Why do I get the feeling the Bengals will have their 17th non-winning season since 1990?

And one other Hollywood story, Clint Eastwood did a little smackdown on Spike "I'm The Most Overrated Director Ever" Lee. Lee was critical of Eastwood's movies about the invasion of Iwo Jima for not showing black soldiers. Eastwood's response used the novel concept of historical accuracy by pointing out that the World War II services were still segregated and therefore only one unit on Iwo Jima was black. There are certainly stories of black soldiers that can be told, but if it's pre-Vietnam era, you're going to have a tough time fitting them into a general story about the war. Sure, you can do it in certain circumstances such as Cuba Gooding Jr as Doris Miller in Pearl Harbor. That was a true story so it easily fit, but in most cases, throwing a black soldier/sailor into the mix of a World War II movie was historically inaccurate. And in a lot of cases, flat stupid. Take U-571. The Americans sent a boat of sailors pretending to be Germans over to the sub to capture it. One of them was a black cook who would later know how to steer a German Uboat. That's sounds totally plausible. But it was just flat retarded to think they would take him with them knowing he would look a little out of place as a German. Yet, the people making the movie wanted a black guy along. If you really want to put blacks in pre-Vietnam war movies, you will have to focus on a black unit which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Glory was certainly a good movie. I never saw Tuskegee Airmen, but you could easily make movies about the buffalo soldiers who fought the Indian wars or the 761st Tank Battalion that served with Patton. Just throwing a black guy in there randomly to make a director feel good about himself is plain silly.

Of course, why should I be surprised that Lee would let historical accuracy get in the way of a good whine. After all, he thinks Hoosiers was racist because a team of whites beat a team in the state finals that was desegregated and had black players (see the 1:36 mark). Only problem is that Hickory High is based on Milan High School (161 students) which beat a desegregated team with black players to win the 1954 state championship. On a side note, they also beat an all-black team that included one of the best basketball players ever in Oscar Robertson. So, historically, Spike is full of crap as usual. Actually, I think Hoosiers is more racist against whites. After all, the premise of the finals is that it's a enormous upset for an all white team to beat a team that includes black players even though that is exactly what happened.