Asses of Silicone and Other News

In what is sure to be termed Toxic Butt Syndrome, two women were rushed to the hospital with infected asses causing kidney failure because they let some woman on the street pumped some silicone directly into their ass. As in someone with no medical degree, because most doctors do not pump silicone directly into people's asses. Most women I know complain about fat asses. They don't go out looking for them. But I guess some do. And end up with kidney failure for their trouble. Want to know what's even better? I looked up how much butt implants cost. Apparently about what one of the women was paying for the silicone injections. Let this be a lesson. Just because it's illegal doesn't mean it's necessarily cheaper.

Speaking of fat, there has been some controversy over some pictures out there making Jessica Simpson seem that way. And some other celebrities have rushed to her defense. Worst defense being her sister Ashlee who said being a celebrity doesn't mean you should be held to a different standard of appearance. Sorry. Not buying that one. If you're a modestly (to be polite) talented actress/singer (and I don't know if she can even sing) who gets by on her look, there is a different standard of appearance. That said, I'm very offended by the criticism of Simpson. Not for her. For guys who still can't get women that look as good looking as "fat" Jessica. Hell, I'd trade Phil's soul for a piece of that action. That's not really that complimentary. I'd probably trade his soul for a Subway sandwich. But I'd insist it be a foot long sandwich and include bacon because everything is better with bacon.

Speaking of not fat enough, Alex Rodriguez became the latest steroid outed baseball player. At least he was smarter than Roger Clemens and admitted it. He almost came out and said what I would in his situation. He came close when he blamed the pressure of performing and living up to his contract made him do it. I said a long time ago that I think sports are awash in steroids. If I was a baseball player and got caught, I would say that I knew a lot of other players were using it so I had to use them myself just to compete. Now, Rodriguez did say something silly when he said that he didn't know what he took. Sure, he didn't. Granted, he's messing around with Madonna so he's not very smart, but I saw an interesting observation on the show Red Eye. Former American Gladiator Nitro pointed out that unlike the bloated ones (Conseco, Bonds, Sosa, etc), Rodriguez used them correctly to stay trim and fit and hit with power instead of becoming a cartoonish sized athlete. If he knew enough to do that, he knew exactly what he was taking.

Speaking of Madonna, someone paid $37,500 for a photo of Madonna nekkid. Let me state that again. Someone paid over $37K for a photo of a woman who has many nude photos floating around. And this is one that appeared in Playboy so it's easy to find. I clicked on the link to the photo. If that had been on the cover of a Playboy, I would never buy that issue. What's the matter, Madonna? Couldn't afford a razor? Or in this case, a bushhog? It's beyond me that this woman became a sex symbol.

Ah, Valentine's Day has passed. Or as I like to call it Extort-A-Male Day. Not seeing anyone, I went to watch Clint Eastwood kick ass and hurl funny Asian ethnic slurs while watching Gran Torino. Excellent movie. I will be buying the DVD. I was surprised at the number of people there considering it was a matinee for a movie that's been out for awhile. And really isn't a good date movie. Still, the Friday the 13th remake won the weekend so maybe single guys were the main movie goers. But I digress. The weirdest Valentine's Day story was a Michigan zoo had a program for the day where couples could watch animals do it. You stay classy, Battle Creek.

Could be worse. Here's a romantic story to tug at the heartstrings. Man gets operation to become a woman, marries old family friend who happens to be 73 (and into fetishes), and abuses him in a swimming pool until he has a heart attack. Don't trust trannies. They spent too much time hiding things. Namely their junk.

This is cute. Barak Obama is now worried about the deficit. Did he finally read his own stimulus package? It's laughable that someone would push through such a massive, unprecedented spending bill and then turn around and worry about deficit spending. I mentioned last week that I questioned why he was in such a hurry to push it through, but even I missed this little gem. Obama claims his stimulus will also be about "long term growth" which leads William Kristol to point out that we could have passed a smaller stimulus (meaning the very small parts of the stimulus package that are actually designed to stimulate the economy) and debate the rest of it (ie, the budget pork) later. Well, duh. As I pointed out last week, the reason it needed to be passed quickly was because public approval for the stimulus package was eroding very quickly. This is how urgent Obama thinks enacting the stimulus plan is. He isn't willing to cut his vacation short to sign this "urgent" bill. Now, that's leadership you can believe in.

Hmmm. Almost like a lie. Next thing you know the administration will go back on its pledge to let the public view bills for five days before signing them. Oh, wait............

In further political news, a politician is in trouble for not paying his taxes, and yet, he hasn't been nominated to a cabinet post. Former mayor, present council member and jailbird Marion Barry (that Marion Barry) hasn't felt the need to file tax returns in most years. The judge (affectionately known as StupidBitch) won't revoke his probation because him knowing that he didn't file his taxes on time doesn't really mean that he "willfully failed to file his returns" even if he has only filed tax returns once in the past nine years. What the Hell is her definition of "willful"? And some people want to make DC a state? I would take away their vote for everything.

Once again the news establishment has failed us. Some woman picking up her child from school got mad at some other children and in the mature fashion we've come to expect in modern society, she flashed her boobs at them. The problem? There's no picture of the perpetrator. How do I know if it was inappropriate or a damned fine show?

In foreign legal news, a man was arrested by British police (a lot of them with a bunch of guns) for shooting at a baby with a toy ray gun. Boy, glad we got him off the street. Obviously a serial killer. Better pat him down good. He could be hiding a yo-yo in his pocket.

Sadly, that's not the stupidest police story of the week. At the University of Connecticut (this is supposedly a school of higher learning), the campus cops put out an alert about a suspicious man. Was he hiding in a coed's dorm room? Masturbating in public? Peeping in windows? Worse. He walked within several feet of a coed while walking through a parking lot. Man, I hope they just gun his ass down if they find him. Obviously, he is way too dangerous to try to arrest.

In entertainment news, some Jewish groups are saying that the movie The Reader and leading actress Kate Winslet need to be snubbed for an Oscar because it empathizes with the Nazis. Now, I haven't seen the movie. Nor will I. A female concentration camp guard who can't read doesn't sound all that thrilling to me. But without seeing it, I'll take the sides of the Jewish groups. Let's face it, when your plot outline includes this line -"becomes an Auschwitz guard and then seeks redemption by learning to read while on trial after the war"- it's tough for me to take this seriously. Really? Redemption through reading? Are you effing kidding me?

Now, this is a more redeeming entertainment story. A former Miss USA has decided to do porn. I got pretty excited until I found out she was Miss USA from 1991. I'm sure she still looks fine, but who the hell remembers a Miss USA from that long ago. I don't even know which state last year's winner came from. It doesn't say specifically that she was doing hardcore porn, but I'm guessing it wouldn't have been a story if she went from a crappy soap opera to a crappy Cinemax soft core porn movie. She isn't sure if she'll if she will do more because she's got a sitcom in the works. My guess is that after this little episode, that doesn't get picked up. I think my favorite part of the article is how surprised she is that male friends suddenly want to bone her. I don't know where they got the idea that she might be into indiscriminate sex.