News You Can Use - Maybe

I saw this story about some guy fleeing the police on his riding mower and was mildly amused, especially by the fact that the cops felt the need to give him a field sobriety test. He had a case of beer strapped to the front of the lawnmower. Then I saw the byline was West Virginia and decided this was probably a normal occurrence.

In Missouri, some Muslim inmate is suing because he thinks his jelly was made from gelatin which is made from pork. There's some prohibition against eating pork or products endorsed by Bill Cosby, I forget which. Of course, I have a hard time taking his religious fervor seriously since he's in jail on federal drug charges which usually means trafficking. Islam has this little problem with drugs. In fact, I think Mohammad called mind altering stuff "the most terrible of major sins". Here's my solution. Lets deport his ass to Saudi Arabia (a solution to many of our Islamic problems) and let him be devout there. His present occupation should go over well.

Can anyone verify where Dave Spitzer was on Saturday, September 29 a little after 8 pm? Not asking for any particular reason. Just curious.

A middle school near Chicago has decided to ban hugging. My first thought was "what's a hug line?" My second thought was "how am I supposed to cop a feel on a sixth grader if I can't hug one?" My third thought was "keep that last thought to yourself".

This is what a ban on hugging in schools could lead to. A first grade teacher in Indiana showed up wasted to school with beer in her purse. Doesn't she have a cooler?

Well, in my last posting, I mentioned there were articles that were so horrible that I have to debate whether to mention them. For some reason, The View seems to provide a bunch of them. This time, it was about Rosie O'Donnell reminiscing about her time on the show. She said early on that Barbara Walters would talk with her about which lubricants to use. Pardon me while retch repeatedly.

I love college football, but ESPN is ruining it for everyone by putting Lou Holtz on College Gameday. It's like watching a senile old man sputtering like Sylvester the cat because it is a senile old man sputtering like Sylvester the cat.

Sean Penn's favorite dictator, Hugo Chavez, is in the news today. Is it for shutting down another TV station? Or trying to nationalize private universities unless they agree to only teach his socialists policies? Actually, I wondered what American academics at our Ivy League schools thought of this, but then I remembered they already think teaching socialism is the law here. But it isn't either of those. It's not even his wack-ass scheme to move time back a half hour to gain "a more fair distribution of sunrise" which is pretty messed up. No, he's now in the news for criticizing the girls who get breast implants for their 15th birthday (apparently the Venezuelan version of a bat mitzvah). Damn shame that a teenage girl can't get the boob job she's been pining for the past two years. What should she get? A bicycle? Yeah, we definitely need fewer Latino hotties with big knockers. Thanks, Hugo.

Speaking of big boobs, police women in Scotland who are flat-chested have to wear yellow pants along with their fluorescent jackets so people driving by can see them. I think this is a good idea. I know that a big chested woman just stands out when I drive by. A lot easier to notice. In fact, I would take it a step further. Make the police women go topless. It would certainly catch my attention.

I bet if the parents of this 17 year old English girl had bought her a new rack, she would stop running away to Egypt after some natives who apparently didn't mind knocking boots with her, but didn't want to marry her. Actually, after reading the entire article, I have absolutely no sympathy for someone that stupid. I hope her parents leave her idiot ass down in Egypt. Make her stay in Egypt and get a job. I'm sure she can survive long enough to find another "fiance" especially since she apparently gives it up pretty easily.

Speaking of stupid teenagers, a new trend in Canada is to spray yourself (or your buddy) with body spray and set it on fire. Now, as a practicing pyromaniac, I can understand the fun with lighters and any type of aerosol spray, but I usually burned stuff other than myself. A small flame only irritates, a big ball of fire has a tendency to hurt.

Last month in Italy, they had a pasta strike. The price has gotten high, so don't buy it. At least they were smart enough to admit that a one day strike to change economic conditions is completely bogus and won't work (remember that when you get the email telling you not to buy gas on a certain day). However, what got me was the fact that strike organizers were setting up "emergency stands offering free bread and milk" for people suffering withdrawal. You have got to be kidding me. As one who has some Italian ancestry (well, that one guy who came over in the early 20th century to play a harp at a restaurant in Nashville and somehow ended up in Madisonville), I am embarrassed for the land of my forefather. Either you are too weak to go a day without pasta or you are too stupid to buy something else. They should be so proud.

There is something seriously wrong with this country when activists are trying to keep the Bowery in New York from changing. When an area of town is known for its "squalor", I have to think very few people will miss it.

Oklahoma winning the Red River Shootout over Texas reminded me of this story. Some dude was wearing a Longhorns T-shirt in an Oklahoma City bar (not the brightest move, but this is America and he has that right). He gets into a fight with an Oklahoma fan (and deacon of a church) and ends up with a torn scrotal sack (which pains me just typing those words). Got to love the picture in the article. Actually, considering how intense that rivalry can be, only tearing apart someone's manhood is probably seen as the Christian thing to do.

I realize I don't have a small wireless device, so checking my email while sitting on the john would be problematic unless I wanted to take my laptop in there. Since I don't really find the toilet seat that comfortable and surfing dirty websites might keep me in there for awhile, I probably won't be taking my laptop in there any time soon. However, I don't understand why someone would need to check his/her email while taking a dump. Can't you wait a few minutes until you are done?