The Weekly World News (My Version)

I probably shouldn't sit here and bitch about how Steve Kragthorpe has ruined UL's football season this year. So, I'll stand and bitch about it. This guy is killing me. Going for 12-1 and an Orange Bowl to 4-3 against the weak part of the schedule is bad enough, but now the coach and athletic director are saying it's a rebuilding year. Funny, that never came up when I got the letter to renew my season tickets. Things have gotten so bad that I got banned on the Cardinal Sports Report message boards for quoting Burt Reynolds from Smokey and The Bandit, "do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?" to a moderator. Personally, I think he overreacted.

It was a sad day in the world of football when news came that Max McGee had died falling off his roof where he was blowing something, probably leaves. McGee was known for scoring the first touchdown in Super Bowl history. He was also known for being hung over when he did it because he didn't think he was going to play. I've always felt one of his most important contributions was Chi-Chi's Mexican Restaurant. When I was a young lad in college, I had very little money. Chi-Chi's had free chips and salsa. So, I could drink beer and load up on chips and salsa.

The obligatory prostitute story. Some white trash whore in upstate New York was busted for hooking and using drugs. She brought her two young children along for the ride. In fact, they were in the back seat while she was playing Electrolux with a couple of her customers. Personally, if I was her john (and I wasn't; I don't even know where Schenectady is), I would have been appalled. At least put the kids in the trunk or something.

Prostitute story from the pimp side. James Lipton of Inside The Actor's Studio was a flesh peddler in Paris before hitting it big. Or whatever Inside The Actor's Studio means on the success scale. The obvious comment would be on how his previous job led to Hollywood, but that's too easy.

When I read that it's been revealed that Dumbledore was gay, my reaction was "who the Hell is Dumbledore?". I missed the Harry Potter books because ....what's the concept......oh yeah, I hit puberty and fantasy reading became the Penthouse Forum over some book about warlocks and witches. Oh, and by the way, Dumbledore really can't be gay. He's a ficitional character. He's really nothing.

In another story containing witch-like substances, some dude got busted for tearing up a Halloween display. The owner wasn't sure why he tore up her stuff. Well, duh. He was drunk. Who among hasn't gotten smashed, seen ghosts and destroyed private property?

When I first read the story about the earmark that "the Senators from the great state of New York" had requested to give $1 million to a museum dedicated to Woodstock, I thought it was well deserved. Sure, he's a side-kick that doesn't say anything, but he was an integral part of Peanuts. Then I realized they were talking about that hippie music festival back in the 60s. What's the million bucks for, to recreate the smell? Even worse, the guy asking for it is a billionaire. Pay for that crap yourself, hippie-lover.

A monsignor of the Vatican was suspended for telling some TV show that he "didn't feel like he was sinning" by engaging in gay sex. So, the vow of celibacy only counts if you want to bump nasties with a woman?

I pretty much forgot my college German. Can someone translate what Wanken die Winky means?

See? This is what happens when we let clowns run lose in society. Well, that and Shakes The Clown, but that was a funny movie. And made us forget that Bobcat Goldthwait was in Police Academy 4. And in turn, somehow dated Nikki Cox and her massive mammary glands.

Boy, this is a great story. Guy has carnal relations with Britney Spears and records it. Yet, he can't show it to anyone because his performance wasn't up to his standards. Right. I think I will call BS on him having such a tape. Sure, nailing Britney is no longer seen as an accomplishment and taking advantage of a wackjob may seem like something to be looked down upon. However, it's still worth money and who cares how inadequate you perform on an amateur porn tape. No one is watching it for you.

Some DJ is in a bit of trouble in Detroit because he was going to have a party and let "light skinned" black women in for free. The big complaint centers around some historical division between light skin and dark skinned blacks. Here's another thought. Letting someone into a party based on the color of their skin while charging others is illegal. So, even if he included dark skinned black women in the free admission, it still would have been against the law.

Here's one of my favorite type stories. Yale Law School tried to forbid military recruiters on campus for political reasons. Unfortunately for them, Congress passed a law saying if you want government funds, you've got to let recruiters on campus. Yale Law sued and lost. My favorite part is a professor complaining that "we obviously wish the government wasn't forcing discrimination on us." Guess what? Yale is a private educational institution. Nobody's forcing anything on you. To me, it would seem hypocritical of someone to bash the military, but accept millions of dollars from them for research into more military activities. The biggest example of that would be Noam Chomsky. He's been one of the biggest left-wing campus radicals for years. Yet, for all his anti-military blather, his career and research have been underwritten by the Department of Defense for most of it. I guess the military industrial complex is evil until they sign your paycheck.