News Update

This could just be a straight up, preacher gone wrong tale, except it's better. A pastor from Bristol, TN got busted in Johnson City, TN (check my news reports 10/4 to see what else is going on in Johnson City) after he offered to go down on some cops and then took a leak at a car wash. Outside. Oh, he was also wearing a denim skirt which means Southwest Airlines would not have let him fly. The best part is he apparently drank half a bottle of Vodka, but only tested .08 blood alcohol content. And claims he was too intoxicated from that to know why he was wearing a skirt. Wuss. When I wash down a bottle of narcotics with Vodka, I still know why I'm wearing a skirt. It makes me feel free down there.

Of course, that guy wasn't willing to go whole hog like the principal from Bardstown who got busted for hanging around a high prostitution area in Louisville while dressed like a woman. He went so far as to wear fishnet stockings and fake breasts. At first I was happy to finally know where the hookers hang out in Louisville (for research purposes only). However, if that's what you pick up there, I'll pass. He would make one ugly looking woman.

A new celebrity sex tape may be set to hit the market. Amy Fisher's estranged husband sold one of their sex tapes to some porn distributor while they were busted up. Now, they are reconciled and Amy is angry. It's nice to see there's some white trash on Long Island. She reconciled with a guy who sold a tape of their more intimate moments. As for the guy buying it, why? Fisher is old news, and not really attractive enough to make me want to watch. Sure, back when she was 17, watching her in a sex tape would have been good viewing. For the celebrity aspect, not because she was only ..........never mind.

Local hunter took a picture of some strange looking animal, and Bigfoot researching moron declared it looked like "a juvenile Sasquatch" which is an interesting observation since no one has ever seen a real Sasquatch, let alone a juvenile one. That's because they don't exist. Someone with at least a minimum level of intelligence says it's a bear with mange.

In a loosely related story, a hunter in West Virginia says he saw an African lion wandering around the woods up there. And some guy wants it trapped rather than shot. I don't think it's a lion. It's probably just a local hilljack with mange. While I'm not opposed to someone shooting him, I do know how to trap him. Just find his little sister, put her in crotchless pants and he'll catch the scent in a heartbeat.

In political news, Hillary Clinton bombed in the latest debate and it's all Tim Russert's fault. Poor baby was being picked on by the other candidates and that meanie Russert who had the gall to actually ask her tough questions. This is why I'm loath to vote for a female candidate. She's being attacked by her opponents because she's the front runner. Would it make sense for John Edwards to go after Bill Richardson? No, you take down the person ahead of you in the polls. So, what does Hillary do? She plays the poor-little-woman card. If you're not tough enough to take it in high stakes politics, run for school board.

There were a lot of concerns about why Dennis Kucinich's only question was if he had really seen a UFO over Shirley MacLaine's house as she wrote in her book. Well, duh. That would probably be the least nutty thing he would say in a debate. I think this guy still believes he was a good mayor of Cleveland even though the city went into default while he ran it (he's the only former mayor whose picture doesn't hang at city hall).

The one question that I thought should have been asked was about their stand on the new pumpkin tax in Iowa which just happens to be where the first caucus will be held. Proving that tax departments have never met an item that they couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't tax; Iowa is now taxing pumpkins because they are decorations rather than food even though it's technically produce. Based on that, can I write off booze as a medical expense since I drink to cure stress? That and to get drunk. Actually, that would have been a silly question for the Democratic debate. They've never met a tax they didn't like, so they would approve. And then turn around and request a farm subsidy for pumpkin farmers.

Sad story out of the world of tennis. Martina Hingis is retiring from the game because she was "falsely" accused of testing positive for cocaine. Really, who among us has not lost a job because of a "false positive" for blow? I'm glad someone is standing up to man and protecting the rights of pseudo-athletes everywhere. You know, while Hingis was never listed among the "hotties" of tennis, I would have done her..........I mean, she was excellent at whacking a fuzzy ball around.

Hilary Swank had her hair cut on Oprah Winfrey's show. I thought this was a good thing because women who look that much like a man should only have long hair if they have a mullet. Besides, I thought she should have cut her hair off a long time ago so that nobody would recognize her from The Core - one of the worst movies ever made.

In other celebrity news, Paul McCartney's one-legged ex-whor ......wife is now saying that Paul was the reason their marriage broke up. I think Paul's money was the whole reason the marriage happened in the first place. Long John Mills also says she would have walked away with nothing if Paul had just admitted that it was all his fault. Raise your hand if you believe that. Actually, if you believe that, send me money (cash, no checks) for a PR campaign to rehabilitate Heather's image.

Hey, Lance Armstrong is dating one of the Olsen twins. They say it's Ashley, but how do we really know. Maybe she decided riding 100 miles a day on a bike will help her lose weight better than throwing up dinner. Okay, that's cold. They make a cute couple and Bob Saget should be proud.

A bunch of Namibian villagers (68 to be exact) got sick from eating a diseased dog. Now, I'll let the fact they were eating a dog slide. I only question the political intelligence, morals and languages of low brow heathen countries, not their eating habits. Except the French. And possibly the Russians if I could figure out exactly what they eat. In this case, I do have one question. How big was that dog to the point that 68 people could eat enough of it to get sick?

Modern parenting. Some Nebraska bimbo apparently decided to improve her relations with her cheerleader daughter by pulling the school van that she was driving next to an SUV so her daughter could lean over to a speeding vehicle to get a beer. I guess her next move to prove she's "cool" is to have a menage with her daughter's boyfriend. I think it's a cheerleader thing. Send me an email if you want a link to a dirty site with a University of Louisville cheerleader getting a little dirty.