News of the Week

Ah, so nice to be back in civilization. North Carolina was nice. NC State has a nice stadium even though they don't serve booze. However, like WVU, they allow people to get stamped, leave and come back in. I think it's pretty obvious that people are leaving to drink. Does it make sense to not serve beer inside where the price will make people sip it, but let people go outside where they will most likely chug it to get as many down as possible? Who do you think are the bigger risks?

My tickets were in the lower corner section which gives you a pretty crappy angle, but on the plus side, the UL cheerleaders and dance team were about 20 feet away from me. Now, I wouldn't have minded being in the end zone section because on the other side of the end zone tunnel were some NC State students including a hot blond in tight short-shorts and a tied up T-shirt. My options were to squint hard or borrow my uncle's binoculars and look like a total pervert. I don't know why he kept complaining. I only used them during TV timeouts.

But on to the news. Some French mayor in Paris wanted to use a stinkbomb to run the homeless out of his suburb. Why the Hell would that work? If you have a lot of homeless around, how is a stinkbomb going to make the stench worse?

Johnson City, TN had a little problem going on. Well, other than its location in Eastern Tennessee. Apparently some of the city parks were gay cruising spots including one place infamously called the Man Cave. I still don't see the appeal of sex in a public toilet (or sex with men). When I think public toilet, the concept of dirty, nasty, dingy, smelly hole comes to mind which may explain the gay pickup aspect to it. One of the detainees was 85. Cruising for gay sex at 85? I guess I have to admire his energy. It wasn't just the pickup part of it that led to arrests. Some investigators were groped. How do you get undercover cops to go out on this assignment in the future? Hey, want to get your junk grabbed by a senior citizen?

When I think about the defenders of chastity and wholesomeness, the first ones I think of are flight attendants. When I first heard the story of the female passenger who was almost left off a Southwest flight for wearing an outfit that was too revealing, I wondered where the Hell women like that are when I fly. I always get stuck next to someone's grandmother or a screaming brat. Then I saw the outfit and realized someone had lost their friggin mind. I think they sell sluttier outfits at Gap For Kids. I'm also curious about why every story about the incident made a point to mention that she works part-time at Hooters. I could see the point of that if she'd worn her Hooters' outfit (too bad for her Hooters Air went out of business or she wouldn't have a problem), but otherwise, it doesn't really have a point. Oh well, at least Southwest hasn't started sacrificing goats.

When I think about an air guitar championship, the first word that comes to mind is LOSER. When I was seven, I used to play a tennis racket along with Chipmunks albums. Should I try out for this crap? Then I read that the winner gets a custom made guitar. Does anyone think he actually knows how to play a guitar?

I thought this story of a college student killing her roommate was sad. Then I noticed that they were part of a program "to help American Indians adapt to college life". I think that program may need some refinement unless the fact that she didn't scalp her (gratuitous ethnic remark) is a sign of adaptation. Another nice college story was about two guys busted for drugs at Northeastern. Apparently, one of them yelled outside his window that they had some pot for sale. No word yet whether they were studying agriculture or economics. Does make me question the standards at that school if two people that dumb are let in.

I love Youtube. Every gaff someone on air makes is saved for posterity. This was one of the better ones as a local newscaster tells the inspiring story of a man who overcame a handicap to climb Mt. Everest. His handicap? Gayness. Or blindness. They never did finish the story. I'm thinking blindness, because every knows homos have trouble climbing mountains. They have bad wrists.

This was a funny story, complete with pictures. Bear falls off bridge. Bear catches himself. Bear spends night on bridge struts. Bear gets drugged and pushed into a net. I like the fact that they left him up there and assumed he wouldn't be there the next day. Were there a bunch of drunks underneath screaming "Jump. Jump. Jump"?

There are certain stories that are so horrible that I think really hard before I write about them. This week, it was the report that Whoopi Goldberg announced on The Spew that she wanted to have a threesome with Nancy Pelosi and her husband. Give me second to finish dry heaving. Make it several minutes. God, I hope this never happens. Or at least a video of it never makes it out. Accidentally seeing it could make me join a monastery. On the plus side, at least The View got rid of that mouthy dyke with a penchant for making inappropriate comments on the show. Well, the white one anyway.

Maybe the thought of that threesome drove this guy to suicide. Time frame makes that unlikely. How long does it take to make a guillotine? And why not just get some pills? Plus, that's pretty low making a big disgusting beheading scene. Somebody has to find it. Someone else has to clean it up. Show some damn courtesy.

Why would someone steal a rabbit from a preschool? Well, unless they ate him. Rabbit is still a popular dish in France. Maybe some homeless Frenchman were driven away by a stinkbomb, ended up in Spokane and stole a rabbit for dinner. Hey, it could happen. Actually, my favorite part of the story was how PETA wouldn't endorse rabbit theft, but didn't seem to condemn it (obviously unaware of the of the French homeless dinner theory soon to be spreading on the internet).

Another sad story. This one about teenage boys in the semi-outlawed version of Mormonism being booted out of their home for alleged disobedience. Since this particular branch of the church believes in multiple wives (but not multiple husbands), disobedience is being born male. Stands to figure if you want a bunch of wives, get rid of the competition. I've always said one should be suspicious of a religious sect that has major tenets that seem to have been founded strictly to get the church leadership laid (blog on the Church of Marc coming soon).

Speaking of sects that were founded on the leader getting laid, a Saudi husband used Islamic law to divorce his wife. Usually the grounds for divorce are "she got fat", but in this case, it was all about infidelity. His wife was watching a male TV host. Alone. Unfortunately, she should probably consider herself lucky it was just divorce.

But for every divorce, there is a marriage. Well, statistically, that may not be true in this day and age, but nice thought. In this case, a 24 year old man married an 82 year old woman. The article doesn't mention the most pertinent question. How much was she worth? Well, that and whether or not they plan to have kids.

Finally, the midpoint between marriage and divorce. An affair. This was between a Colorado judge and prosecutor. I freely admit I may not be up on all the areas of judicial ethics, but there definitely seems to be a conflict of interest.