Weekly News Report

Should probably try to get as much on here before football season starts (Thursday Aug 30 UL beats down Murray State to open the college season). Once the pro season starts I'll have to spend too much time updating my semi-pornographic fantasy football site. But until then.....

Speaking of football, the Michael Vick story has almost come to a close (pending sentence). He entered a plea of guilty to conspiracy to run an interstate dogfighting ring. There were reports that he wouldn't confess to gambling or killing dogs. Except he did. Sort of indirectly. He can say all he wants that he didn't place bets or receive money from purses, but I think anyone not completely stupid (which does leave a lot of people out) sees that for the B.S. that it is. He admitted to bankrolling it (gee, I wonder if anyone pointed out that it was obvious Vick was the only person involved with enough money to run that operation?), so who really believes that he was putting up that kind of money with no expectation of a return on his investment? I can believe he's a poor businessman, but not so stupid that he didn't expect to make money on it. Actually, that makes him look worse. If he was getting money back, at least there would be a monetary factor. Without it, he's just getting his jollies with animal cruelty. It's obvious he's avoiding the gambling question in the hopes that the NFL won't suspend him for consorting with gamblers, but I have to think it's worse to finance an illegal gambling ring than to simply place a bet at one.

Yet, more stupids come out to (sort of) defend Vick. One schmuck is actually ripping the players union for not standing up more for Vick. I must have missed something. Vick's big problem wasn't an NFL suspension. It was a federal investigation. Apparently this doofus is unaware that unions typically don't get involved in non-work related criminal issues of its members. I'm sure every time some Ford assembly line worker gets drunk, beats his wife and molests the dog next door, the UAW shows up to defend him. I can't quite figure out the belief that the NFLPA should always be adversarial with the league. Considering the NFL is by far the most popular and revenue generating professional sport in country, cooperation seems to work. I think the union is smart enough to realize that damaging the image of the league by defending the occasional thug at the expense of other players just isn't smart. A thuggish image sure doesn't seem to have done the NBA any good.

Then there is the jerk-ass from the Atlanta NAACP. He thinks the NFL should let Vick back in once he serves his time. Actually, he goes beyond that as he thinks Vick's sponsors should stick with him. We've now reached a new level of stupid. I must have missed the amendment to the Constitution guaranteeing the right to play pro football. Oh, and sponsors should never take into account someone's image before letting them hawk their products. We also got the "hunting equivalent" argument. Now, I'm not a hunter, but I've known several and the point of hunting is normally to make a quick kill. It's a little different than putting two animals in a ring to maim and torture each other for my viewing enjoyment. The fun part of this was the national NAACP didn't quite agree which led an MSNBC moron to write a column about Vick splitting the black leadership. The fun part is the correction block where the writer mentions an earlier version linked to what was thought to be Al Sharpton's blog, but turned out to be a "hoax". Actually, it was a parody blog site (fellow bloggers on it included Kim Jong-il) which was very obviously a parody site, and the "post" was too ridiculous for anyone with any sense to believe. If I was that guy, I wouldn't go to work for a month.

Well, on to other stuff. A study just came out that says dinosaurs could outrun David Beckham. Can we get a dinosaur to run him down and eat him? That would certainly be more entertaining than soccer. Which in Brazil is a macho, straight sport according to a judge there. I'm not saying the guy is gay, but when you go by the name Richarlyson, questions could be asked. I think the important question from the article is "Should the fact that someone poses for gay magazines indicate possible homosexual tendencies?"

Another story got me excited when I read that women prefer cavemen, but then I found out that they were talking about guys who look like cavemen, not men who act like cavemen. Which reminded me of an older article where cavemen preferred blond women. The reason was because blond women were mutants. Brunettes, feel free to use that info.

Sadly for Big Jon, Jenna Jameson has announced her retirement from porno movies, and to prove it, she's had her breast implants removed. Not sure she's as interesting without the porn career. I guess I won't be buying the follow-up to How To Make Love Like A Porn Star (especially since I didn't buy the first book). Shouldn't that be a two line book? Lay on back. Open legs. Maybe she'll be replaced by China Barbie unless Mattel wins their lawsuit and she has to change her name. In the name of research, I took a look at her site, and she didn't look too much like Barbie. Or, fortunately, Chyna from the WWF whose foray into adult entertainment is most likely a crime against nature. I'll let others view it and decide while I avoid that video like the plague. One thing I noticed from the China Barbie article was she described herself as "cordial" which doesn't seem to be the best terminology to be used to entice people to your porno site. Actually, Barbie and porn should go together. Barbie gives girls an unrealistic idea about the female body. Porn gives them an unrealistic idea about the size of male genitalia. At least, that's what I always say.

Speaking of male genitalia, a festival dwarf in England glued his junk to a vacuum cleaner. That alone should tell the story, but it doesn't. He was embarrassed to go to the hospital with the vacuum cleaner stuck on his johnson. So, your act includes wearing a vacuum on your hog, but being seen at the hospital that way instead of at some wackjob festival is what's embarrassing? We must always protect the dignity of the dwarf humping the vacuum.

You're tax dollars at work. Well, not really. Federal wildlife people are spending $27 million to set up a habitat for the ivory billed woodpecker. That money is being spent even though the bird may not actually exist with only one possible sighting in three years. I would have thought they could find more by following the maniacal laughter, but maybe not. I guess I should be happy about one thing. God knows how much money they would be spending on this if they actually knew there were ivory billed woodpeckers out there.

Final thought for the day: "As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."