Weekly News Report Part II

Lot of snake stories recently. Some poor schmuck wants to go flying in his plane and discovers a gray rat snake "licking" him. Now, I looked up this perverted snake, but I couldn't find anything about its tendency to "lick" things. Personally, I would have thrown it into the propeller. In Albany, two pythons got taken to the animal shelter after being spotted slithering down the street. Rest assured if I had been the one to spot an eight foot python in the middle of the road, the phone call would have been requesting someone to come out and pick up some roadkill. You might notice from the previous sentences that I'm not a big fan of snakes. In fact, I have no problem with the drunk Irishman (redundancy alert) biting the head off his girlfriend's pet snake. I don't know why the writer felt the need to mention he was drunk. He headbutted his girlfriend (twice) and ate her pet snake. Doing that while sober would have been news.

At least he didn't eat a puffer fish. In Thailand, some people are dying because potentially poisonous puffer fish is being sold as salmon. No mention whether or not it actually tastes like salmon. Just gives me another reason not to eat fish. The main reason being the taste. Secondary reason being the smell. I always liked what PJ O'Rourke wrote about fish in The Bachelor Home Companion. "You have to wonder about a food that everybody agrees is great except sometimes it tastes like what it is."

Speaking of tastes like what it is, some drunk Serb was found half-eaten in a bear cage at the zoo. No mention whether the bears claimed he tasted like chicken. And these bears probably don't crap in the woods.

There are certain momentous occasions where I remember where I was when I learned of something. On the personal side, I'll always remember where I was when I found out my grandfather died. Overall, I don't think I'll forget watching the second plane fly into the World Trade Center tower. I remember where I was when I found out about the Challenger exploding, but mainly because my junior high science teacher told us, and he had tried out for that teacher-in-space program. I even remember where I was when Magic Johnson announced he had AIDS. I was trying to take a nap on a lounge couch, but some jerkass friend of mine kept prattling on about how he would always remember where he was when he heard this which has caused me to remember it even though I really didn't care that much. That said, I can't believe a poll found that 60% of Americans remember where they were when they heard Princess Diana was dead. Brits I could understand. They are stupid about their royalty, but Americans? Why? She was either a harpy shrew who gained a loyal following strictly through a loveless marriage to some dorky prince. Or she was a beloved icon who used her position to engage in great works of charity (although it's easy to be charitable when you marry great wealth and don't have a real job). Either way, the basis of her celebrity is the fact that she married someone whose only basis for celebrity was the womb he fell out of. Sorry, just can't get worked up about it.

Speaking of Brits not pulling their weight, David Beckham is sitting out the LA Galaxy's next game because he's tired. Let's see. He joined the Galaxy over a month ago, and in that time, he's started five games and subbed about 20 minutes in two others. It's amazing he's survived. Oh, and the team only won one game. Really earning that $250 million.

In other sports news, the Texas Rangers scored 30 runs to beat the Baltimore Orioles by 27. Not surprising since the Rangers have Chuck Norris. It was the first time a team had scored 30 runs in over a hundred years, but I can't get too worked up about two crappy teams doing anything. The saddest thing was how stupid the save rule is in baseball. A relief pitcher got credit for a save by pitching the last three innings, even though he had a 10 run lead when he came in.

A Pennsylvania woman was charged with paying for hookers for her 12 year old nephew who apparently wasn't taking his father's death real well. Kind of makes the presents I used to get from my aunts seem kind of lame. A few things stood out in this story. One, they didn't identify his mother to protect his identity, but they put his aunt's name and picture in it. My guess is a lot of people who know her, know him. Second, she took him to two different places. Horny little bastard. Third, she had $80 for two hookers. To be honest, I don't really know the going rate, but when that first grade teacher got busted for prostitution in Lexington several years back, she was bringing a friend and the price was $360. So, either he was getting a child's discount or being taken to some skanks.

You know there was a time people considered Rosie O'Donnell "the queen of nice". Of course, some people thought she was a funny comedian. I never thought either was accurate, but seems to be some corroborating evidence that I was right about "the queen of nice" thing. It's an old article, but she told a cancer survivor that people who lie "get cancer". How inspiring. And as medically improbable as the old hairy palms diagnosis. Yet, people are surprised that Rosie can't get along with so many others.

Fortunately for the woman, she didn't live in England where they have some of the lowest cancer survival rates in Europe. Actually, the most interesting thing about the article was the fact that the writeup didn't mention the United States at all, but when you look at the chart, we have a higher survival rate for cancer than any European country, regardless of gender. Gee, I wonder if Michael Moore had that little nugget in Sicko.

When he read about Travis Henry having nine kids by nine different women, Shawn Kemp is believed to have said, "Damn, that's a lot of kids."