The Greatest Story of the Year & Other News

Okay, maybe not of the year, but it certainly made my day when I heard that Tony Kornholer is no longer going to do Monday Night Football. He was the absolute worst broadcaster I ever heard. He'd spend half the time rambling about nothing. Or fawning over whatever schmo they pulled from some ABC show they were pimping. Or worse, asking absolutely stupid questions that make me wonder if he ate lead paint to prepare for the show. Dennis Miller had better knowledge of football than Kornholer. I think I took a dump that had more football knowledge than Kornholer. Now they're replacing him with Jon Gruden. What an idea. Having an actual broadcaster doing play-by-play and two football guys doing color. I wonder if that will work.

I didn't bet the filly in the Preakness, but only because I almost never bet at those odds. But I thought she was clearly the best horse in the field. She wasn't even running her best race and still won by a full length. They aren't sure if she'll go to the Belmont which is too bad. She's the best 3 year old running. Of course it helps that a good chunk of the top horses have been hurt. Old Fashioned got hurt early. I Want Revenge was a late Derby scratch. I was hoping Quality Road would be back for the Belmont, but it looks like he won't. I think he could be the best 3 year old out there. Could be some interesting inbound horses for the Belmont though. Dunkirk has the talent so he could be there. But I'm looking at Charitable Man coming out of the Peter Pan. I think that could be the one if Rachel Alexandra skips it.

There's been talk of the Preakness moving from Pimlico Racetrack because nobody goes any other time and it's in a ghetto. But it's not like Churchill is in a great neighborhood. No, the problem is people in Maryland just don't care that much about horse racing anymore. Attendance at the Preakness was down a bunch this year. Because they banned BYOB in the infield. Might want to bring that back. What's a horse race without guys running on top of porta-cans. I'm not surprised that's the case. Growing up in Louisville, the Derby was huge and so was horse racing in general. When I lived just north of Baltimore, Preakness Day was fairly big deal, but not much more than a college football game big. Otherwise no talked about horse racing.



John Edwards is the story that keeps on giving. To begin with, I should feel sorry for his wife. He cheated on her while she had cancer. Granted, she was in remission but I was never sure that was better. Most likely knocked up his mistress. But she makes it tough when she talks to Oprah and blames the other woman. Lying incoherently didn't help matters. Does anyone really believe she was told about it and didn't want the mistress fired? Now, we get the story that some of Edwards' campaign staff had a plan to derail his campaign if it looked like he'd get the nomination because they were concerned the rumors were true. That's great. I'm sure all the shmucks who shelled out a lot of money for his campaign were happy to hear that.

A poster of Bill O'Reilly being assassinated is hanging on the wall of a restaurant in Venice, CA. I thought it was conservatives that were hateful.

I don't understand this. There is only one pig in Afghanistan. In a zoo. I do understand that Muslims don't eat pork because it's unclean, but banning pigs is silly. There are plenty of animals that we don't eat that aren't banned from the country. Chinchillas. Iguanas. Bald eagles. Homeless children.

Two employees somewhere at Yellowstone were fired and charged with crimes for taking a piss in Old Faithful. There is no mention of whether alcohol was involved. God, I hope so. I've been drunk before but never thought about pissing in a boiling pot of water. That'd be a good punishment. Have them stand around with their wangs hanging out next to a geyser that isn't always on time.

Cat Stevens is going to sue Coldplay over some Coldplay song sounding like some Cat Stevens song. I can't really make a determination if it's really a ripoff because I didn't feel like listening to either song.

I shouldn't laugh about this because these kids are probably going to be screwed up in the future. But a woman in Dallas (probably a Cowboys fan which explains everything) gave birth to fraternal twins and just found out they have different daddies. She says she did cheat on her man but manages to try to sound like a victim when she says "Out of all people in America and of all people in the world, it had to happen to me". Yeah. It's God's fault. Or the fact you're a ho who can't keep her legs closed.

What kind of story is this? Two chicks get busted for prostituting themselves with a minor, and the article doesn't even mention his age? If he's a 17 year old minor, so what? If he's 11, that's more interesting. Besides, I don't see where he got busted for solicitation. Sure he's a minor, but he was buying. And at $5 to $30, I'm curious what he was buying. Sure, I assume that you're getting something for $30 but from a skank. But $5? What kind of junkie whore gives away anything for $5?

No reason to have one hooker story without another. Some Polish dude took his 14 year old son out to get himself a whore to lose his virginity with. Too bad the kid picked out the cop. Freshman. They don't know the clean one is a cop. Oh, they were in England too. Maybe in Poland, that's okay. But it says the deal was only for 20 pounds which is $30 so maybe I always thought hookers cost more. Crap, you can get a lapdance for $30. Am I wasting my money or are these guys going after really nasty hookers?

Let's do some "Your Government At Work" stories. Number one is only if you live in Massachusetts which makes you a Masshole. The state is giving cars to welfare recipients so they can drive to work. Unless they go back on welfare. Then they can keep the free car and just lose the insurance and AAA membership. Why the Hell they would buy deadbeats AAA insurance that most people who pay for their own $hit don't have is beyond me. And I'm sure they're running out and buying liability insurance. Just because you don't own squat and have no reason to fear a lawsuit when you get high on meth and ram into another car is no reason to think these people won't get insurance. So, let's give high risk people a car and put them out on the road with no insurance. Great friggin idea.

Great. The government is funding a study through the NIH to find out why gay men like to take risks with their buttsex when they're drunk. Except the study was to take place in gay bars in Argentina. Now, I'm not gay, Argentinian or drunk. Well, maybe drunk. But I can answer this question. To begin with, drunk people make lousy decisions. Secondly, it's two guys. Both are trolling for sex. What did they expect to happen? And why would they think gay bars in Argentina would be different from home grown gay bars?

But gay bars in Argentina aren't the only places that are getting US government money. Chinese whorehouses are too. Apparently if they have bars. Wayne State got a grant to teach Chinese whores to drink responsibly while selling their cootchie. Granted, there is nothing worse than a drunk chinese hooker, but the point is to stop the spread of HIV. Do they really think these women are spreading disease because they are drunk and not because they are whores?