Every now and then I try to give soccer another try. And every time, I remember why I don't care for it. Actually, I liked playing it fine when I was doing intramural indoor soccer, but I just don't watch it. According to The Nation, as a right winger I don't like soccer because I'm white and soccer is played by minorities and America isn't that good at it. We could be great at it if we cared about it. Look at all the pure athletes in football and basketball. Don't tell me a lot of them couldn't be great soccer players if they had played it for 20 years. Besides, I like curling and we're as good at that as we are soccer. But obviously my love for football and basketball is because we've managed to keep blacks out of those sports. But why don't I care for hockey which is the whitest sport outside of curling? Oh right, same problem as soccer. Low scoring and too much credit for a tie.
Actually, hockey is nowhere as bad as soccer. For one, soccer players flopping is incredibly embarrassing. Sure, you have flopping in basketball where they try to draw the foul, but in soccer, it's routine to see a player barely get touched, grab his head (even though he was touched on the arm) and roll on the ground like he's dying. A hockey player would get his ass beat if he tried that. Plus, while hockey may make you play a set period of time with one fewer man, it's not the rest of the game. But in soccer, if the prissy little referee walks up to you and puts a red card in your face, not only are you out of the game, but you aren't replaced at all. And those are judgment calls (although since no one seems to know the offside rule in soccer, most of the calls are judgment calls) so you could play with one fewer player for 89 minutes of the game for a bad call. And speaking of bad calls, we have the added delight of the US having a potential game winning goal disallowed because of a penalty, but nobody knows what the call is. I've never heard of a serious sport where the referee can call a foul but isn't required to say who and what was called. But surely FIFA wouldn't use referees who are know to be incompetent and possibly corrupt, would they? Would they? And at least hockey can keep track of the time. It's bad enough that soccer counts up instead of down (like every other sport), but they have this injury time BS. Because they don't stop the clock for injuries, they just add the time lost to the end of the match. But they only tell you the approximate amount of time left. WTF??? You're watching a game and have no idea how much time is left? That's spectator friendly.
But let's look at the real reason I don't like soccer. Friggin' ties (and not the ones given as Father Day presents). The World Cup has different groupings. Let's look at the one with the US, England, Slovenia and Algeria. Four of the six games between those four have been played. There is a grand total of one win among them. One. Which means three ties. Even hockey tries to get a win first before declaring a tie. This is a major tournament and you declare the game over after 90 minutes (plus some inexact amount of time that no one knows when it will end) even though it's tied? Know what this means? If England chokes up a loss to Slovenia and the US ties Algeria, the US advances. That would mean the US would move into the next round without a single win in three tries. Is this really how the premiere event of your sport should be decided? Eddie Erdelatz once said "a tie is like kissing your sister". That makes the World Cup tournament the biggest case of incest outside of Johnson County, Tennessee.
Actually, hockey is nowhere as bad as soccer. For one, soccer players flopping is incredibly embarrassing. Sure, you have flopping in basketball where they try to draw the foul, but in soccer, it's routine to see a player barely get touched, grab his head (even though he was touched on the arm) and roll on the ground like he's dying. A hockey player would get his ass beat if he tried that. Plus, while hockey may make you play a set period of time with one fewer man, it's not the rest of the game. But in soccer, if the prissy little referee walks up to you and puts a red card in your face, not only are you out of the game, but you aren't replaced at all. And those are judgment calls (although since no one seems to know the offside rule in soccer, most of the calls are judgment calls) so you could play with one fewer player for 89 minutes of the game for a bad call. And speaking of bad calls, we have the added delight of the US having a potential game winning goal disallowed because of a penalty, but nobody knows what the call is. I've never heard of a serious sport where the referee can call a foul but isn't required to say who and what was called. But surely FIFA wouldn't use referees who are know to be incompetent and possibly corrupt, would they? Would they? And at least hockey can keep track of the time. It's bad enough that soccer counts up instead of down (like every other sport), but they have this injury time BS. Because they don't stop the clock for injuries, they just add the time lost to the end of the match. But they only tell you the approximate amount of time left. WTF??? You're watching a game and have no idea how much time is left? That's spectator friendly.
But let's look at the real reason I don't like soccer. Friggin' ties (and not the ones given as Father Day presents). The World Cup has different groupings. Let's look at the one with the US, England, Slovenia and Algeria. Four of the six games between those four have been played. There is a grand total of one win among them. One. Which means three ties. Even hockey tries to get a win first before declaring a tie. This is a major tournament and you declare the game over after 90 minutes (plus some inexact amount of time that no one knows when it will end) even though it's tied? Know what this means? If England chokes up a loss to Slovenia and the US ties Algeria, the US advances. That would mean the US would move into the next round without a single win in three tries. Is this really how the premiere event of your sport should be decided? Eddie Erdelatz once said "a tie is like kissing your sister". That makes the World Cup tournament the biggest case of incest outside of Johnson County, Tennessee.
Then we have the fun of the French team in a near meltdown cause by the fact that they are a bunch of assholes. Fighting between coaches and players. Refusing to practice. Fun stuff. Here's one writer who thinks we should root for the French to lose over all this. Hell, I was rooting for that before the Cup started. Just because they're French.
Now when I heard that Al Gore was getting a divorce, I didn't really care. If his purchase of another energy sucking mansion didn't make people see what a hypocritical charlatan he is, nothing will. Sure, I found it amusing that someone at the Washington Post is blaming Bush for this happening. Just reinforces my belief that they have a macro in their word processors that inserts "blame Bush" into most of their stories. But for the most part, I didn't care. Then I saw this funny story that the reason for the breakup was Big Al putting Little Al into Laurie David who was once married to Larry David. Oh, and produced Al's movie. Oh, and is as big a enviro-hypocrite as Al. Granted that story is in Star Magazine. So, it's probably not true. Of course, after the John Edwards love child story was scooped by National Enquirer, you never know. Could be worse for Gore. The Globe says the divorce is because of a gay affair. Funnier, but not sure I believe that either. Gay men usually have better taste.
Speaking of adultery, this story is a awesome. A woman was cheating on her husband with some dude. In the park. On a bench. Near the playground full of kids. Probably wouldn't have got much play outside of that town if the cops hadn't charged her with adultery. Which led to the video of her explaining what happened with her loyal husband by her side. Really loyal since her first excuse to the cops was that she had to do it because she didn't have sex with her husband because he's transgendered and thus she was really horny. But the video is great. First she says everyone was dressed so nothing could be showing. Then she admits that maybe his junk was hanging out of his zipper but still out of sight. I'm pretty sure by trial, she will saying that yes, his johnson was out but the kids would not have been able to see it because it was up inside her.
In honor of Father's Day, I want to point out a heart warming story of a man bonding with his daughter over drinks. Too bad she was 9 years old, and he said he'd kill her if she didn't chug-a-lug with him. But otherwise, it just gives me a warm fuzzy.
Now, the only real fault I put on the Obama administration over the oil spill was some of the buffoonish things they did. I don't think Obama is doing anything particular about the problem because what the Hell does he know about oil wells and maritime works. And the bureaucracy won't work because it doesn't work. But I thought I'd seen everything, and then we got the "Ass to Kick" interview and then the limp dick speech about stopping the oil spill that was so inane that MSNBC didn't like it. Is anyone taking Obama seriously after that? At first I thought his anger was over missing his tee time, but apparently that's not the case. So, what has Obama done? Well, he got BP to put together an escrow account of $20 billion to pay off people. Which is good because after all the demonization of BP (a lot by Obama), BP may end up in bankruptcy. What could go wrong there? Sure, the British may suddenly hate him, but he's made us so popular and respected in other countries like..............let me get back on that. Oh, right, the other problem. If BP goes into bankruptcy, the taxpayers will end up on the hook for the cleanup outside of the escrow fund. Do I think Obama is an idiot for possibly driving BP out of business? Well, the guy is apparently still unaware that BP hasn't been called British Petroleum in years. I just can't believe we've reached the point that the President thinks it's okay to demand a private company give him $20 billion to divvy up as his flunky sees fit. Sure, it's easy to ignore because BP is a pariah, but what happens when he decides to do it to some company that isn't universally hated in this country?
Up in Minnesota, a bar near the Twins stadium started having "Twin Titties Series" to draw in female customers during Twins games. Show up with your boobs hanging out and you'll be entered in a contest. I see nothing wrong with this. Well, except you're expected to watch baseball.
Here is a good one. Angelina Jolie is being considered to play Cleopatra in some upcoming movie. This has Essence magazine (and I'm certain the community they represent) outraged because they believe Cleopatra should be played by a black woman. Which may make sense if you have no concept of history and geography. Now, she was African because that's where Egypt is, but there's a big difference between northern Africa and sub-Saharan Africa as far as racial traits. Egyptians aren't black. Oh, and it wouldn't matter anyway. Cleopatra was one of the last rulers of Egypt from the Ptolemy dynasty. Meaning she was really Greek. But at least Essence did know that Egypt was on the African continent. The LA chapter of the NAACP apparently is unaware that space isn't full of black whores. Hallmark had a space themed graduation card that mentioned black holes. Hallmark took it off the shelves because the NAACP complained about it's use of the term "black whores" which would be demeaning. I'm not black, but if I was, I would feel more demeaned that a group claiming to represent me was so stupid that they thought Hallmark was talking about black whores in space.
Now when I heard that Al Gore was getting a divorce, I didn't really care. If his purchase of another energy sucking mansion didn't make people see what a hypocritical charlatan he is, nothing will. Sure, I found it amusing that someone at the Washington Post is blaming Bush for this happening. Just reinforces my belief that they have a macro in their word processors that inserts "blame Bush" into most of their stories. But for the most part, I didn't care. Then I saw this funny story that the reason for the breakup was Big Al putting Little Al into Laurie David who was once married to Larry David. Oh, and produced Al's movie. Oh, and is as big a enviro-hypocrite as Al. Granted that story is in Star Magazine. So, it's probably not true. Of course, after the John Edwards love child story was scooped by National Enquirer, you never know. Could be worse for Gore. The Globe says the divorce is because of a gay affair. Funnier, but not sure I believe that either. Gay men usually have better taste.
Speaking of adultery, this story is a awesome. A woman was cheating on her husband with some dude. In the park. On a bench. Near the playground full of kids. Probably wouldn't have got much play outside of that town if the cops hadn't charged her with adultery. Which led to the video of her explaining what happened with her loyal husband by her side. Really loyal since her first excuse to the cops was that she had to do it because she didn't have sex with her husband because he's transgendered and thus she was really horny. But the video is great. First she says everyone was dressed so nothing could be showing. Then she admits that maybe his junk was hanging out of his zipper but still out of sight. I'm pretty sure by trial, she will saying that yes, his johnson was out but the kids would not have been able to see it because it was up inside her.
In honor of Father's Day, I want to point out a heart warming story of a man bonding with his daughter over drinks. Too bad she was 9 years old, and he said he'd kill her if she didn't chug-a-lug with him. But otherwise, it just gives me a warm fuzzy.
Now, the only real fault I put on the Obama administration over the oil spill was some of the buffoonish things they did. I don't think Obama is doing anything particular about the problem because what the Hell does he know about oil wells and maritime works. And the bureaucracy won't work because it doesn't work. But I thought I'd seen everything, and then we got the "Ass to Kick" interview and then the limp dick speech about stopping the oil spill that was so inane that MSNBC didn't like it. Is anyone taking Obama seriously after that? At first I thought his anger was over missing his tee time, but apparently that's not the case. So, what has Obama done? Well, he got BP to put together an escrow account of $20 billion to pay off people. Which is good because after all the demonization of BP (a lot by Obama), BP may end up in bankruptcy. What could go wrong there? Sure, the British may suddenly hate him, but he's made us so popular and respected in other countries like..............let me get back on that. Oh, right, the other problem. If BP goes into bankruptcy, the taxpayers will end up on the hook for the cleanup outside of the escrow fund. Do I think Obama is an idiot for possibly driving BP out of business? Well, the guy is apparently still unaware that BP hasn't been called British Petroleum in years. I just can't believe we've reached the point that the President thinks it's okay to demand a private company give him $20 billion to divvy up as his flunky sees fit. Sure, it's easy to ignore because BP is a pariah, but what happens when he decides to do it to some company that isn't universally hated in this country?
Up in Minnesota, a bar near the Twins stadium started having "Twin Titties Series" to draw in female customers during Twins games. Show up with your boobs hanging out and you'll be entered in a contest. I see nothing wrong with this. Well, except you're expected to watch baseball.
Here is a good one. Angelina Jolie is being considered to play Cleopatra in some upcoming movie. This has Essence magazine (and I'm certain the community they represent) outraged because they believe Cleopatra should be played by a black woman. Which may make sense if you have no concept of history and geography. Now, she was African because that's where Egypt is, but there's a big difference between northern Africa and sub-Saharan Africa as far as racial traits. Egyptians aren't black. Oh, and it wouldn't matter anyway. Cleopatra was one of the last rulers of Egypt from the Ptolemy dynasty. Meaning she was really Greek. But at least Essence did know that Egypt was on the African continent. The LA chapter of the NAACP apparently is unaware that space isn't full of black whores. Hallmark had a space themed graduation card that mentioned black holes. Hallmark took it off the shelves because the NAACP complained about it's use of the term "black whores" which would be demeaning. I'm not black, but if I was, I would feel more demeaned that a group claiming to represent me was so stupid that they thought Hallmark was talking about black whores in space.
Well, the French may have done something right. They pulled a 16 year old girl out of the ocean after her boat broke. So brave. So heart warming. So stupid. She's not old enough to vote, but she and her dad think it's all just fine to send her on a solo trip around the world. I think it's moronic. And now we find out that it may have been motivated by a reality show. Which would explain why they'd have her sailing a long ass stretch of empty ocean during winter storms. Or they're stupid. I'm thinking a bit of both. Well, a lot of the second. I'm glad they get to live out an adventurous life. Of course, there are consequences. It cost a Hell of a lot of money (other people's money of course) to rescue her on her little ego cruise. Oh, and the captain of the fishing vessel that rescued her fell overboard and almost drown. I wonder how confident she'd be on her next little vanity trip if she'd killed someone. Self centered asses like that probably don't care. Maybe they shouldn't have picked her. Did she have paddles?
Earth's lowest form of life, Perez Hilton, might be in trouble for child porn since he posted an upskirt shot of Miley Cyrus with no underwear. Not sure a flamer like him can get in trouble for it since he can argue he doesn't find it tittilating. And as someone else (can't remember who) pointed out, why is he getting all the grief? What about the photographer? He took and distributed it. But it's good to know that in spite of the fact that she's running around in a short skirt with no underwear, Cyrus insists she's not a slut. That's good to know because every one knows teen singers with limited talent always go on to make it big as an adult without resorting to flaunting their body. But she says she's not a slut. Why wouldn't anyone believe her? Sluts don't pole dance at 16. Or think a fake lesbian kiss at 17 is exactly what her wholesome stage show needs. Guess if the new record doesn't sell, on stage masturbation is next.
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