Hookers On A Bus & Other Moderately Dirty Stories

Novel concept. Whorehouse on wheels. Down in Miami Beach (where was this when I went down to the Orange Bowl), someone was tooling around in a limo van with a bunch of stripper/hookers in back. The slideshow of the van had some interesting info. It only costs $40 to get on which included free drinks. And the sex was in a VIP room. How do you fit a VIP room on a van? Oh, and there's a link on there for another story. That one's about a porn website that has a van going around picking up women off the street who agree to do an amateur porno. What did this grand investigative reporting discover? The whole thing was preplanned. Surely they jest. I always assumed the streets were teeming with girls willing to be picked up by a van full of strangers and convinced to make a skin flick. The only thing that surprised me was that there were so many stupid women in southern Florida willing to bump uglies for internet distribution for only $700. And the female producer who did the undercover interview certainly wasn't going the extra mile. She should have followed through and done the movie. So sad people don't take their jobs seriously enough these days.

Speaking of porn acting, the state of Kentucky should be very proud. Billy Bear is running for Senate on the Libertarian ticket. Actor Sonny Landham now apparently lives in Ashland (can't he move slightly east and become West Virginia's embarrassment) and wants to be a Senator. I can't vote for the guy. It's one thing to get your ass kicked by Chuck Norris (Firewalker), Carl Weathers (Action Jackson) or a giant alien (Predator), but getting killed by a comedian who picks up transvestite hookers (48 Hrs.) is just sad. Landham also used to do adult flicks. One of which was The Trouble With Young Stuff. I don't know if that says something about his beliefs on age of consent laws, but I doubt clips from that will be in his campaign commercials. Damn it.

I thought the video of the French (although they may have been French-Canadian) soldiers launching a missile about four feet was pretty bad. Now, we have 16 people injured because the French army was demonstrating hostage freeing techniques and accidentally (we all hope) using live ammo. Since they weren't able to kill anyone, the French Army promptly surrendered. Sure, I can see how live ammo could get mixed up with blanks (I never said the French were smart), but I have to question what exactly were they demonstrating that led to so many injuries. Do the French try to rescue hostages by spraying bullets into a crowd?

Finally, a reason to go to an overpriced coffee shop. After seeing the success of coffee shop's that had their baristas (Italian for pretentious Denny's style waitress) dress in bikinis and lingerie, another shop put them in pasties (English for Nice Chi-Chis). But now the police are trying to close them down because of complaints from some "locals" (Marc-speak for homos).

Normally, I couldn't care less about the possible split between Madonna and Guy Ritchie. To begin with, I couldn't name my favorite Madonna song. It's more along the lines of which Madonna song do I least dislike. And I can't even tell you that. And I figure Ritchie's got to want out. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to be married to someone who drags me into a cult and then embarrasses the whole family by gyrating like a whore with another man in public. However, what I find interesting is the fact that there may not be a prenup. A lot people seem surprised by that as they wonder how such a "business savvy" woman like Madonna could allow that to happen. Well, her business savvy doesn't seem to extend to relationships. In fact, her business savvy was mainly figuring out shocking behavior and gyrating like a whore could mask a nasally voice and inane lyrics. Normally in divorces where one member was a lot richer than the other going into the marriage, I think the less wealthy one should not be allowed to take a big chunk from the other (see Mills, Heather). But in this case, I'm going to make an exception. Guy Ritchie was an up and coming director after Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels followed by Snatch. Then he marries Madonna. His next movie is Swept Away starring his new wife. His career was now in the toilet. She owes him.

Actually, hearing about Madonna always reminded me about a guy I went to college with. She was his favorite singer. By far. She could do no wrong. Yet, this guy was totally disgusted with the song I Touch Myself by the Divinyls. I, on the other hand, felt the video could have been more explicit. Apparently, singing about female masturbation was disgusting, but doing it on stage with a Puerto Rican flag was just fine.

Normally I don't have a problem with a topless woman (assuming certain look factors), but this one in Oregon is probably going a bit far. She wants to ride her bicycle in the 4th of July parade wearing nothing but a g-string. A hemp one. Bet that itches. Even though the parade is to be family appropriate, she plans on doing it because it's obviously about her. Granted, she moved to the right town since one of the city councilmen is as dumb as she is as he says, "an interesting commentary on our society that we're willing to tolerate dead bodies through our aggressive foreign policy from the war, but not healthy, naked bodies." Yeah, that's a comparable issue. Plus, I didn't see where anyone wanted to enter a float of dead bodies in the parade either.

Here's a rather strange story. A man is jailed for sexual assault and illegally using a stun gun, because he used it to coerce his girlfriend into having sex. According to the headline, but not really according to the article. All he did was turn it on after she refused to jump his bone. He didn't have sex with her. He didn't use it on her. She walked out on her own. I'm missing the assault.

I've done some rather stupid things while drunk. And some others while sober. However, I don't think I've ever been so drunk that I got married and forgot about it. And a wedding with a tranny doesn't count. But it happened to this poor sap who tried to re-marry, but since he had moved to the US, immigration authorities told him he was already married. Makes sense. Can't keep a flood of border crossers, but they've got records from a drunken wedding in 1978.

A stranded hiker was rescued after she hooked her bra to a cable line running through the mountains. It alerted rescuers to where she might be. I'm sure at that point the searchers were re-energized once they learned the person they were looking for might be a naked woman. Hell, I might even hike up a mountain if you tell me there's a nekkid chick up there.

I don't like to ridicule other cultures. I love to ridicule other cultures. Yet, I find myself at a bit of a loss with this story. Apparently in Albania, women in families without men (well, living or out of jail) would sometimes become men. Simply by dressing as men and swearing never to have their cherry popped. So, a fairly misogynistic culture is willing to equate an intact hymen with a penis? I'm not sure if that can be considered progress or not. Either way, it's pretty friggin' weird.

I had been pretty much ignoring the female-teacher-screws-male-student stories. For one, it makes me irritated to see how little jail time these women seem to get compared to how much men boning teenage girls get. Not that I have a lot of sympathy for the men. I can legally lay some pipe to a 16 year old, but that doesn't mean I would. Well, I wouldn't brag about it. The other reason I've been ignoring these stories is that they really seem to be multiplying which proves a college degree doesn't make people smart. So, there has to be angle to the story. And this one has two. For one, she's 60 years old. My first thought was "Ewwww". Then I saw her picture and thought "not bad for 60" (I'm sure hair dye is involved). Twenty years from now, I'll probably be like "I'd hit that in a second". But enough of my fetishes. The other angle was the fact that she had a threesome with a 17 and 14 year old. WTF? This pisses me off. I've never had a threesome (and I won't if it includes two guys). Yet, some snotnosed-just-learned-to-spank-it 14 year old has? I don't care who he was nailing, that pisses me off. If I wasn't so cheap I would be selling my plasma in order to get two Cambodian chicks from one of those massage parlors. You know. Just to make things right.

A picture can mean a lot. Another story deals with bestiality which is offensive even to me. A woman was making videos of herself with her dogs and they weren't playing Frisbee. Authorities want to seize the dogs and put them down. I wasn't sure if that was the thing to do. How scarred could the dogs be by the experience (and it's not like they would have stopped humping your leg anyway)? Then I saw her picture. And not only did I say "Ewwww", but I vomited, and I don't think it was from mixing Coke (the only cola worth buying) and Cinnamon Schnapps. Yeah, kill those poor sons of bitches (a perfectly proper term in this case). The shame alone of banging that woman is enough.

And then there's Pamela Anderson. Not an especially talented woman (did you know Barbed Wire is a "remake" of Casablanca?), but she had a great rack. Even before the plastic surgery. Yet, silicone does not raise IQ levels. She now says that the only person she would ever marry now is ex-something or other Tommy Lee. I saw his reality show where he was at the University of Nebraska (a lot of people should have lost their jobs over that one) so it can't be his personality. I'm an 80s guy so I like Motley Crue, but that isn't enough. Oh wait, I saw their sex tape. I don't think she wants him back for his personality or his music. It's something a bit lower. The guy steered a boat without his hands. Apparently, that's enough to overcome some personal vices. Like having a contest with your bandmate to see who can go the longest without bathing and still get laid. Or who can get a groupie to vomit on their johnson first. I can't remember which. Damn, I should have learned to play the guitar. Hey, Spitzer, glad you traded in the music for a corporate job?