Bikini Jelly-Wrestling & Other Stories

Usually when the University of Cambridge was mentioned (it's on some island somewhere), the old image I held was usually of a stodgy button down place of academic learning with tea and crumpets. Apparently, I was mistaken. They host a jelly-wrestling match. I think jello is called jelly in England. At least I hope so, because wrestling in Smucker's would just be silly. Well, anyway it became news because the "big girl" lost her match, wigged out, punched a heckler and head butted a bouncer. Now, if she was good enough to take out the bouncer, she should be good enough to win a jello wrestling match (or the hosting group needs to contract out some better bouncers). And that's what the problem was. She probably did win the match, but scoring was based on who got more cheers so the uglier girl was at a disadvantage. What an injustice that this poor girl wrestled half-nekkid for people's amusement and was denied a win due to such a draconian system. In an effort to stop the cycle of violence that comes from jello wrestling contests, I think it's time to establish an international commission to establish rules for jello wrestling which should also cover mud, hot oil, mashed potato and oatmeal wrestling (but not creamed corn because that smells). I offer my services to just such a commission.

As much as I hate to say it about a culture that gave us the Yubiwa pipe and calculator wristwatch, the Japanese are a bunch of freaks. Sure, when I first heard about the big busted robotic girlfriends, I may have placed an order for six or 23 or so. Then I read it was barely a foot tall. What a bunch of weirdos. And then there's the porn. Old people porn. The Japanese market for videos of old people having sex is on the rise. And the story focuses on a 74 year old retiree who is still making movies and growing quite popular. Nice touch that he uses his stage name for the article because he doesn't want his family to know what he does. Right, because if they read the article, they won't know it's him if they don't use his real name. I'm sure his daughter won't be at all curious that a news story on porn has a picture of Daddy on a DVD box.

From old people porn to old porn (I have such great segues). A couple of broadcast TV stations in The Netherlands have decided to show the hardcore porno Deep Throat. Some might consider it a classic, but it really wasn't that good although it had the benefit of no 74 year old men in it. And another thought. Who wants to watch a porno with commercial interruptions? Also, what I found ironic about the story is that it says "In the Netherlands, it is more or less a taboo on even speculation on banning any media expression whatever." Really? Is that the same Netherlands where a cartoonist was recently arrested for publication of cartoons that were critical of Muslims? So, let me get this straight. A hardcore movie about a woman with a clitoris in the back of her throat is free speech worth protection, but political commentary will send you to jail? And some people really believe we could learn something from Europe outside of how to make good pasta?

Well, maybe there is something we can learn from Europe. The CEO of a European airline company may or may not have been joking when he said he was going to have a new airline which would charge economy class passengers a pittance while offsetting that with a very high business class ticket. They'll be able to do that by adding free oral sex as a perk for business class. Definitely have to police the curtain between those two sections. I think it's a great idea, and not because I dream of getting a hummer while flying. With the price of airline tickets, I would be perfectly happy to have my cheap seat subsidized by someone who is willing to pay a lot more to include a stewardess' face in his lap.

This was a moderately interesting story. An 1878 phone book is expected to sell for over $30K at auction because it is one of the earliest ones ever printed. Of course, my office phone list is longer. I just wished I had known old phone books could be valuable. Several years ago I dropped a transmission outside of Etown. This is a small quaint community off I-65, and where I'm pretty sure they filmed Deliverance and The Last House On The Left. All I know is that I was stuck there for two days waiting for the parts to fix my transmission, and I discovered two things. It's a dry town which was bad. The only restaurant close to me was Mr. Gatti's which wasn't bad. And I had to stay at the Lincoln Trail Motel. The shower heads were chest level and the only channel that came in semi-clearly was VH1 which was showing those teen idol shows they were obsessed with for awhile. So, I'm stuck in a localized version of the Bates Motel watching David Cassidy's Behind The Music while sober. I won't speculate on what level of Hell that represented. Oh, and the phone book was from the late 60s and in mint condition.

Out in California, some high school senior hacked into the school's computer in order to change his F grades to As, and now he's facing 38 years in jail although I think it's pretty obvious that he won't actually serve that much time even if his name is Omar Khan. I could point out the obvious issues here. How can you fail all your classes but be smart enough to pull off this stunt. Or lamenting how much cheating goes on in schools now. Instead, I'm going to point out the author of the article compared it to Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Well, I know my 80s movies pretty well, and Ferris Bueller hacked into the school's computer to change his attendance record. It was Matthew Broderick's character in WarGames who hacked into the school's system to change his (and his whore girlfriend's) grades. Don't these newspapers have editors?

I never liked being stung by bees. So, if I found out that I had 60,000 of those bastards living in the walls of my house, I would not be as concerned about their survival like this guy was. Actually, what got me was how he figured out they were there. He tasted a stain on the wall and realized it was honey. Excuse me? What kind of sick bastard goes around licking whatever gunk is oozing out of his walls?

Some guy lost 80 pounds and did it by eating only at McDonald's. I'm sure a lot of people are surprised because they watched Super Size Me and assumed you can't lose weight while eating McDonald's. Well, the premise of that movie was stupid. Morgan Spurlock ate 5000 calories worth of food a day. Of course you're going to get fat if you eat that much. I'll explain this little bit of science to you. If you ingest more calories than you burn through metabolism and exercise, you will gain weight. It doesn't matter where those calories came from. It only matters how many. I never eat at McDonald's or much fast food at all, but that hasn't made me thin. This guy lost weight because he ate lower calorie foods which, believe it or not, are on the menu at McDonald's. I knew this was possible because two other people did 30 days eating only at McDonald's and also lost weight. One did it by eating light. The other did it by eating the same 5000 calories as Spurlock but exercising. Now, Spurlock may have also been trying to make the point about McDonald's marketing and customer communication, but it's pretty obvious his point was simply to attack McDonald's and not investigate this issue in any real sense. John Stossel asked him if eating 5000 at a nice restaurant wouldn't have the same affect. His response was "I don't know". Well, if he's too stupid to know what would likely happen, he has no business making documentaries about what foods make you fat.

I thought I hated housework, but an Italian guy kidnapped his ex-girlfriend and made her do chores. I don't know why I didn't think of that. Other than the fact that I have no idea where any of my ex-girlfriends are. Well, except the ones buried back in............let's just say those are unaccessible. I understand needing help with the housework, but it was really stupid to kidnap her from a bar where she was with friends who probably know who he is. And women will always blab to the cops about your little misdeeds.

Let's switch gears and look at a real love story. Or something horribly freaky that sorta involves love. A man was arrested in Paraguay because he got married and was later accused of being a woman. His defense was a rather novel one. He was checked out and found to be a hermaphrodite with dominant male genitalia. Now, there's a story to tell the kids. Strangely enough, I didn't find "spend next day inspecting the groom's junk" as one of the "World's Weirdest Wedding Customs." Maybe it's only localized in parts of Paraguay. I was surprised to see that "having a threesome with the maid of honor" wasn't listed on there either. I've seen a lot of movies where that happened.

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