Kate Beckinsale's Butt & Other Stories

I found this a semi-tragic story. Kate Beckinsale wants a body double because she doesn't want to show her butt (literally, not figuratively) in a movie. Ms. Low Self-Esteem thinks her butt is too big. I'm not too sure why that's a big deal. Check her picture opposed to another "celebrity" whose entire career is based on having a big ass. Well, and a very poorly done sex tape. Maybe Kate needs to release a sex tape in order to get over her insecurity. Please? I don't ask for much. Truthfully, I'm really having a problem with the whole story. Does she not recognize what has led to her success? I've only seen like three movies she's been. Van Helsing and the two Underworld movies. I don't think anyone watched them for her acting ability. I think the way she filled out a skintight leather outfit in a video game based movie and some medieval bodice (French for "pushes up knockers") had a lot more to do with her success.

This is what I consider a column written by a moron. Some dork is worried about the decline of newspapers. Well, I'm worried too because I would not be able to read Get Fuzzy without them. Oh wait. Unless they went online. Now, the main point of this column isn't that we may lose our beloved comics (and crappy ones like For Better Or For Worse). It's that we may lose common knowledge and perspective. He wants new writers to go out and broaden their horizons. This is utter horsecrap. Why do I need a newspaper when I can the news online? Let me look at the Sunday Herald-Leader and see what it has in section A. One article on Ichthus and three more on high school sports transfer rules (I didn't go to high school in KY nor do I have children so I don't care). Those are the only articles that were done locally. Everything else came from the national beat of the AP, New York Times or McClatchy Newspaper services. I doubt there is a whole lot of differing experiences or perspectives out of those groups. National level reporters generally go to the same schools and go through the same training. If you ever watch them in a panel discussion, it seems like a very insulated world.

And a news story over the weekend shows how insulated it is. Did anyone see the news that Tim Russert died? I wasn't sure if maybe some readers had been on a trip to Mongolia and missed it. Maybe that's sorta mean, but while I actually liked Russert as a newsman, the whole wall-to-wall coverage over the weekend of his untimely death was a bit much. I was at my grandparents where they flip through the different news networks, and obviously MSNBC was the worst. They did not cover another story all day Saturday. And it was all personal remembrances. Not to sound callous, but you don't treat the death of a newsman as if he was a head of state (of an important country). There's a absurd level of self-importance that news people put on themselves. Russert was good at what he did, but he was raised almost to the level of a deity (or Barak Obama). Someone will take his place. They may not do as well, but the media will continue on.

Of course, I don't think anyone should have gone the Chris Matthews route. Both Matthews and Russert were political operatives before moving into journalism. Well, before Russert moved into journalism. Matthews is still a political operative with his own TV show. Russert was actually quite competent, so he got people to watch his show. Again, unlike Matthews. Russert actually had some class. Again unlike Matthews who decided the death of Russert was a good time to turn the attention to much more important stuff. Like how much smarter Matthews is than Russert.

Hey, I've always said if you can't be professional as a journalism, at least be funny. Actually, I never said that but it fits the clip.

Another story making big news over the weekend was Tiger Woods playing the US Open with a sore knee. Apparently, this was the greatest act of personal courage since David faced Goliath with only a sling and the strength of Yahweh (not to be confused with Barak Obama). I also used the term Yahweh as a shout out (is that still the term that the kids use) to my four years in a Jewish fraternity. But I digress. Sorry, if I don't genuflect at Woods' feet for this awesome achievement. He needed a playoff to beat Rocco Mediate (not to be confused with Rocco Siffredi who is in a different field entirely even though it also includes a stick and hole). This is a guy who took five years off from pro golf because of a back problem. Sorry, I saw Byron Leftwich play a college football game after he broke his leg. Hell, that's nothing compared to Jack Youngblood. He was a defensive lineman who broke his leg in a playoff game. He taped it at the half. Played the second half and then two more games after that, including the Super Bowl. Playing a few rounds of golf on a sore ankle isn't even as impressive as that midget gymnast who did the vault on a sprained ankle.

The UN Human Rights Council is finally taking a rogue regime to task for its human rights abuses. They are telling England it needs to give up its monarchy even though it has no political power left and is simply for tourists. Remind again how much money the United States gives to this complete joke of an organization? I guess they've cleaned up all the human rights abuses from other countries. My guess is there next target is the statue of The Little Mermaid in Copenhagen because it's about a character by Hans Christian Andersen whose middle name might make Muslims feel offended (and that usually leads to someone getting killed). And I'm sure if I hold my breath, the council will get right on Iran for arresting people who convert to Christianity. But it's not like they've executed them yet.

Now, in important world news, Katherine Heigl has withdrawn her name from Emmy consideration because she thinks her role on Grey's Anatomy wasn't juicy enough this year. I'm sure starving children in Zimbabwe will cheer her great sacrifice to artistic integrity. Except I've actually seen an episode of that show and artistic integrity flew out the window long before the first episode aired. It has nothing to do with how odd looking I think Sandra Oh is. It's the fact that the one time I watched it was because I was spending the night at my aunt and uncle's house and my aunt was a fan. I asked for basic background info on the show and it pretty much was "who slept with who and why". And that was pretty much it. So, the basic premise of this show is pretty much the same as a porno movie. I guess Chasey Lain will take the Emmy next year for How The West Was Hung.

Now if this story pans out, it could be very nice. A start up company has genetically altered bugs (my guess is microbes) that can feed on organic garbage (just like Freegans) and crap oil therefore becoming productive members of society (unlike the Freegans). Kind of makes Mickey's line from Rocky, "you're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder", seem a little tame. Crapping thunder may not lead to energy independence. I'm not sure it'll pan out. The writer seems excited, but he's so knowledgeable about the subject that he thinks petroleum can be put right into a gas tank rather than go through an arduous process of refining it into gasoline. And I'm sure the Democrats will find a way to ban it in their quest for $6 a gallon gas. I can almost hear Dick Durbin say, "we can't bug shat our way to lower gas prices."

In a not-as-interesting-as-bug-shat-to-oil scientific story, a 2000 year old date seed from Masada was planted and is growing. Big deal. Some seeds just need to grow. When I was about 10, I decided to grow a watermelon patch in our suburban neighborhood outside Louisville. I saved some seeds from a watermelon we butchered and basically planted them next to the house. I didn't know how much room you really needed for a watermelon patch. That crap grew everywhere. It was like kudzu. It wouldn't stop. Well, it eventually did once the damned dog discovered just how comfortable a giant bed of watermelon vines was. In hindsight, I'll eat watermelon, but it's not something I'll go out of my way to get. Why the Hell was I planting watermelon in the backyard?

And finally, a nice story about college. Two guys are in a bit of trouble. Apparently, they noticed two girls dyking it out in a room across from their dorm. Being the modern technological era, they taped it and posted it where others could watch. Now, this is obviously a complete invasion of privacy, and I've never been a blame the victim type person, but I do have a question for the ladies. You live in a room that can apparently be seen from other buildings. When you decided to do a little tuna thumping, did it ever occur to you to close the curtains? When I was in college, I lived on a third floor of a dorm in a small town that didn't have any buildings around it that could see into it. Yet, when I became "intimate", I still closed the blinds. Of course, I was always concerned with a rupture causing massive deflation and "her" flying out the window. Still, in this day and age, what were they thinking? I'm not a complete degenerate. If I looked out my window and saw two girls going at it, I may not run looking for a video camera, but I'm probably going to watch. Assuming of course that they were worth watching. And that's my big problem with the whole story. I'm not expecting the news site to include the video itself (damn them), but how about a picture of the women involved? I want to know if watching them eat lunch at the Y was worth a possible jail term.

On second thought, there are times when seeing a picture of someone involved in a newsworthy sex act isn't worth it. I think what makes it worse is the fact that the student got involved in a lesbian relationship with a lunch monitor. Talk about slumming. Come on. If you're going to go down on someone in authority at school, at least make it a teacher who can fix grades for you. What can you get from a lunch monitor? Free cuts on pizza day?