Car News & Other Stories

This is how I want to go. It has revenge and a horrifyingly awful suicide. A rich man marries a gold-digger who worked at his gym and tanning salon and thinks five years of marriage entitles her to what he worked his life for. So, he cancels his life insurance, blows all his money, and goes into debt. Then he tied a rope to a tree and his neck. Then he sped away in his car so his head would rip clean off. Word is the Chinese are trying to get it added as a demonstration sport for the Olympics.

CNN.com had an informative article about things not to do with your car. Well, it would have been informative if I actually washed my car. Funny, I didn't see anything about not using your car in a decapitation suicide. Nor did I see one saying that you shouldn't speed and masturbate while video taping it and transporting two marijuana plants in the backseat. Good to hear. I was afraid I was engaging in dangerous behavior, but CNN is okay with it. Cops seemed to have a problem with it so speed up if you see them.

Now, this is a great story. Guy steals a car. Then he gets car jacked. But he bravely escapes (well, he runs away). Then showing the intelligence normally found in a brick, he calls the cops to report his stolen car stolen. Did he think the cops were going to give it back to him?

Speaking of suicide, I stumbled across an interesting story about Michael Hutchence, late lead singer of INXS. He's been listed as a suicide after his hanging death over a decade ago. Now, a lot of people don't believe he died from suicide. More along the lines of accidental death whacking his willie while strangling himself (the other way I want to go). Now, his brother is pushing that theory. He says he wants to do it because he doesn't want his niece to think her father killed himself. Yes, dying while jerking off is so much better.

Speaking of........, on national TV Ernest Borgnine attributed his long life to spanking a lot of monkeys which gives me great hope for my own longevity. For entirely different reasons, of course. It also explains why he used a pump action shotgun in The Wild Bunch. No theory why he was the only one of the four who didn't grab the big machine gun in the climactic scene, but it may be why so much of the other stuff was necessary. Borgnine is also talking about his navy days when he'd visit a whorehouse and it would cost $2. That was like the Spanish-American War or something. I bet you could get a lot for $2.

And continuing the hooker theme, a cop in Texas is in trouble for screwing hookers while doing a vice sting. His wife is defending him. That is the most understanding (or dumb) wife out there. Dinner talk must have been fun. "Hi honey. How was your day?" "Did some whores". "That's nice. Want some more peas?" I'll defend him too. Vice isn't a glamor job with the cops. How else are you going to get volunteers for it if you don't let them screw hookers?

I think in the long run that Russia screwed up with their attack on Georgia. Supposedly they agreed to a cease fire and pullback. Not that they're actually doing it. Maybe they were lying. Which I find interesting. Why didn't they just take the capital? Everyone (with a clue) knows the Russian excuse that they were protecting their citizens in breakaway parts of Georgia was a sham. And everyone else should have known when they began bombing parts outside those regions. It's obvious the U.S. and Europe aren't going to war to protect Georgia no matter how close an ally. So, why not take the country over? Wonder if it might have something to do with the less than stellar performance of their military? Sure, it pushed the Georgia Army back, but the Georgia National Guard could probably do that without the overwhelming force Russia employed. I think their fear may have been turning a conventional war into a guerrilla campaign which didn't work out to well in Chechnya. I think it may have backfired because the goal seems to be intimidating former Soviet satellite countries into keeping their distance from the west. That may be backfiring. Poland doesn't seem too worried. Nor do others. Makes you think they were a little less than impressed. What Russia needs to worry about is whether China was less than impressed. They have the same ideas on territorial expansion plus a population that isn't dying away. Plus, the Chinese can't be too happy that Russia took attention away from their fraudulent.........er, model Olympics.

As I said, Europe and the U.S. aren't going to war over Georgia, but they certainly can hit them economically. Throw the Russians out of the G8 (where they don't belong anyway). Throw them out of the World Trade Organization. There's a myth that Europe's economy needs Russia. Georgia proved that when Russia tried (and failed) to destroy the Georgian economy. The myth is built on Europe buying oil and natural gas from Russia, but that relationship runs both ways. Russia's economy is heavily dependent on energy export. They can stop shipping to Europe, but they can't shipping oil somewhere because they need the money it brings in. Oil and natural gas are sold on the global market. If Russia only sells to China, then those already selling to China will gravitate to Europe to fill that market. China might side with Russia out of nothing more than knee-jerk anti-Western attitudes, but they can't be that stupid to run up energy prices over it. Why? Same reason as Russia not pulling their supplies off the market. China's economy would be seriously hurt by it. China is highly dependent on exports to the U.S.. Manufacturing moved to China for cheap labor. However, without cheap transportation, that advantage is lost due to the shipping distance. High oil costs means Mattel starts making toys in Mexico.

But enough with geopolitics. Let's talk about movies. Porno movies. A company in Canada is starting a pay-per-view porn channel that will feature primarily Canadian porn. I'm sure the Canucks are so proud. When you say Canada and porn, about the only thing I can think of is that I once heard that Traci Lords' underage movies are available up there because once a porno is approved as legal, it stays legal. So, I did some research on Canadian porn stars and discovered that Peter North is Canadian. And his real name is Alden Brown. And he did 12 gay pornos. I don't know what the big deal is. I've seen a few porno movies in the past, and I didn't care if the actresses were American. Actually, I like the Eastern European ones because they need the money so they do some sick stuff.

Let's talk about other movies. Retarded movies. I got an email from my aunt with some plea not to go see Tropic Thunder because it uses the term retard a lot. That was after bitching that Robert Downey Jr.'s character was racist because he did blackface to play a white actor portraying a black man. Now, part of me wants to see this because I think Robert Downey Jr. is a great actor and Jack Black is funny. Another part of me doesn't and it has nothing to do with retards or blackface. I don't think Ben Stiller is funny. Sure, he does funny movies, but I think they'd be funnier with someone else (he damned near ruined Dodgeball). People need to get a clue on this. Downey isn't playing a black man. He's playing a white man. I saw one person ask why Downey's character couldn't be played by a black actor. Right. As a white man, I would be offended by a black man playing a white man even if the white man is playing a black man. Come on, people. It's parodying the pretentiousness of actors. Women portray whores or fat chicks to win an Oscar. Men play retarded to get it. I think mentally challenged activists should protest Sean Penn for I Am Sam for making retarded people believe that a mentally handicapped person screwing a hooker will lead to them having a child prodigy.

But enough with that. Let's talk sports. The Olympics are still on. A big controversy is the Spanish basketball team taking a team picture while slanting their eyes (rumor is that the Spanish women's basketball team did it too; other rumor is that women actually play basketball). Well, it's a big controversy here. It doesn't seem to be doing much in Spain. Or in China. I think because political correctness isn't that big a deal there. Plus, how much can China complain? They had a bunch of kids come out in the native dress of their minority groups. Come to find out, all the kids were from the Chinese majority. That would be like having celebrating our minorities by having white kids in baggy pants and gold chains. Now, you do see that at the mall a lot, but it's not really a minority. Of course, compared to what the Chinese normally do to their minorities (see Tibetans), this isn't that big a deal. White guys acting black has an important connection. Not really, but it is ironic. A persecuted Muslim group in China are called Uighurs. It's pronounced wee-gur. That's almost wigger. See? A connection.

This is why the Brett Favre situation bugged me so much. The damned sportswriters threw away all objectivity to worship the ground he walked on like he was Barak Obama or something. In one sense, I should be glad that Peter King didn't spend half his time talking about his daughter's field hockey team and whatever overpriced coffee he was buying this week. But to call Jets' fans a disgrace for not filling the stadium for Favre's preseason debut was a joke. Gee, Brett's playing a preseason game. Did they send the uniform to Canton? He played two series with a lot of handoffs. One ended in a touchdown. The other ended in failure as Favre took two bad sacks. Real exciting. Sorry if I don't get worked up that a bunch of New Yorkers weren't concerned about watching a game that would include two thirds played by guys who won't be on the roster in two weeks.