News Of The Week

Stupid Tarheels. I think I heard a rumor that Tyler Hansbrough is gay. I don't know if I'm to the level of UK fans where I will still be spreading this rumor 16 years from now, but I think I'll keep it going to the end of the week.

Weird coincidence. Both the UL men and women's teams were eliminated by North Carolina on Saturday. While not on the same day (nor in the NCAA tournament in the women's case), both the UK men and women's teams were eliminated from postseason play by Marquette.

Proving that some stories never die, it was reported that Girls Gone Wild owner, Joe Francis, had offered Eliot Spitzer's whore a million bucks to be in his magazine (clothed, so what was the point?). But then he found out that he already has footage of her as she didn't just flash her boobies, but spent a week on their bus doing other chicks. And signed a waiver, so no money although there are reports that she may have been 17 at the time. Which feeds into a point National Review made about terminology this week. Should we really consider this girl a "high class" prostitute instead of what she really is - expensive? They pointed out she was just a 22 year old girl with relationship problems and a career in music going nowhere. Well, if she was hopping on the Girls Gone Wild bus the week she turned 18, it sounds like Spitzer was paying thousands of dollars for sex with the high school tramp. I bet he's happy to find out that four years ago, he could have had her for free with McDonald's and rum.

The other interesting thing that came out of the Spitzer resignation was the reopening of the debate over legalizing prostitution. I want to know why this debate only comes up when someone rich or powerful gets caught with a hooker. When some guy living in Cardinal Valley wanders into a West Chase apartment to get out of the rain just as the vice squad happens to be making a bust there, no one picks that time to bring up the debate.

I think it should be legalized, but there will always be cases where it will still be illegal. Like when a 13 year old girl becomes a pimp for her friends. She was running them through a Dallas nightclub where they also danced. In fact a six grader was found dancing there. In a development to make the story even more pathetic for the city of Dallas, law enforcement cannot shut the place down just because a preteen was hired to show her knockers (probably couldn't do too much shaking at that age) for a bunch of perverts. The business denies knowing she was only 12 which is still being investigated by cops. In fact, they were "shocked and startled" to learn it. Sure, I can't tell ages worth a crap, but I'm pretty sure I could tell if a girl is 12. What gets me is that a naked 12 year old dancing on their stage isn't grounds to close the joint. If that isn't good enough, what does a club have to do to lose their license? Human sacrifice?

Now, the Italians have found the proper use of teenagers. Make them swim with piranha or toss some snakes on them in a circus. I guess we should be happy that it only took a few months for someone to figure something wasn't right and call the cops.

Speaking of "shocked", rumor out of England is that Madonna wants to remake Casablanca. And play the lead female role which was a 20 something character. And she wants to set it in Iraq. I guess the Nazis will be replaced by the American army. This is wrong on so many levels. For one, there's already been a remake of Casablanca. Well, an homage. Actually, a poor ripoff of the plot. Believe it or not, Barbed Wire is the same story with lousy acting. However, unlike the rumored Madonna version, Barbed Wire had something going for it. Pamela Anderson was in her prime, so I wanted to see her naked. Madonna at 50? Not so much. Secondly, Anderson wasn't much of an actress, but Madonna is absolutely atrocious.

I just want to say for the record that I was not on a flight to LA in April.

People wonder why I don't see a doctor. This is what can happen. Go in for a leg operation and come out with a new anus. I'm not saying I don't need a new anus, but I do things on my on schedule.

When asked how gay Mick Jagger was at his gayest, Keith Richards responds, "It was camp.....I really have no idea if anyone ever shoved it up the shitter." This is exactly why Richards is the greatest rock star of time.

In the category of "Worst Excuse Of All Time", a man convicted of trying to pick up boys online decided to plead extenuating circumstances. He was molested as a child himself. By Bigfoot.

The wonderful effects of the welfare state. In England, three generations of a family are all on the public dole. And don't feel bad about it at all. I think the operative line was "it's my right to claim benefits. We're entitled to do what we want in life." It's not your right. It's retarded government policy you worthless lowlife bastard. The welfare people should throw him out on his ass. Maybe that's why Heather Mills thought she deserved $250 million for four years with Paul McCartney. She did walk away with $48 million which means she earned about $12 million for each year. Talk about your high priced whore.

And finally, Sarah Jessica Parker is pissed off that Maxim readers voted her "unsexiest woman alive". Although in her defense, the category only seemed to include celebrities, so they weren't saying she was less sexy than your run of the mill 50 year old bag lady. Of course, they weren't denying it either. Frankly, I've never found her that attractive. She got the image of a sex symbol from that Sex And The City show, but why should I take anything from that? The show was only watched by women and men whose girlfriends/wives made them watch it. And closeted homosexuals. The best part of the part of the article was the news that Matthew Broderick was also angry because "it has to do with his judgment too." So, he's not mad because his wife's feelings are hurt. He's angry because people think he dates ugly chicks.