The Nature of Celebrity

I got my copy of ESPN the Magazine, and what do I get on the cover? David Beckham. Supposedly, a past-his-prime, effeminate, pretty boy soccer player is supposed to make me care about the sport. I don't have anything against soccer. I just don't find it that interesting. I don't care if it is the most popular sport in the world. Islam is pretty popular around the world, but you don't see me heading to the mosque. I thought it was very appropriate that the first game Beckham played in (for about 5 minutes) ended with a 1-0 score. That's why I couldn't watch soccer on a regular basis. Supposedly ratings are up for soccer, but I attribute that to 14 million Mexicans in this country illegally. INS can’t find them, but Direct TV can.

Now, I understand why ESPN would shamelessly pimp his arrival because they have the contract to show Major League Soccer games. And no one pimps their product more than ESPN. Yet, it's not just the sports press. It's the entertainment media. Why? He's married to Posh Spice who even got a NBC television special apparently about her move to the states. What the Hell? Celebrity status because you're a Spice Girl? A Spice Girl? How did that happen? When was the last time anyone cared about the Spice Girls? Did I sleep through the past ten years? I saw where the black girl, Token Spice, was knocked up by Eddie Murphy. Considering his previous embarrassment with a transvestite hooker, I would think Murphy would be trumpeting this baby as his own. But I digress. I didn't know this woman was even in the country. Talk about need for immigration reform. Our forefathers did not drive the British out just so they could turn around and ship their pseudo celebrities to us over two centuries later to hang out with a wackjob Scientologist and his Stepford wife.

It's bad enough with the do nothing celebrities that we have from this country. I can't read through any news site or show without these worthless tramps popping up. We just had Paris-in-prison, and the soon to be sequel with Nicole Richie (who might have been smart enough to get pregnant to gain leniency). They are certainly less than productive members of society. If they were in a group stranded on a deserted island, they would the first ones eaten when people resorted to cannibalism. Unless the others realized the meat would be stringy and probably disease ridden. We’re talking about two girls whose only claims to fame are rich parents, one sex tape and one stupid reality show that keeps coming back like herpes. Their retarded fan base does America proud.

Then there are the two bimbos who have theoretically accomplished something – Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan. Spears is a complete nutbag in just about everything she does. You know she’s nuts when she thought going outside dressed like this was a good idea. Oh, and she might be pregnant and not know who the father is. It’s pretty bad when a report is out that Kevin Federline is trying to get sole custody of their children, and it seems like the best thing to do. Lohan is on the Britney fast track as she just got her second DUI while fresh out of rehab for her first. Oh, and she had cocaine in her pocket, but it wasn’t hers because everyone knows those damn bags of cocaine have a bad habit of sneaking into your pants. How smart is it to stalk an ex-employee’s mother while blitzed? Not as smart as leaving the happy dust in your pocket when the cops show up. Did she not think they would search her? At least toss it in the floorboard and you have some deniability. Take it into the police station, and whether or not you bought it, it’s now legally yours.

Is this a problem? I don't go with the sky is falling belief that a celebrity scandal headline is indicative of the fall of modern civilization. For one, I don't believe for a second that the people who think the Paris Hilton stories are can't miss viewing would stick around for some real hard news. Second, scandals monopolizing news is not a recent phenomenon. Newspapers became big business due to the Helen Jewett murder case, and that was way back in 1836. Third, cable news channels have twenty-four hours a day to fill. Lastly, "hard news" is often not new. I've seen cries about how can the news cover celebrities when there is a war on, but the reality is that there isn't much "news" coming from the war. Is there any issue from the war debate that has not been touched on? As far as something "new", most of it's micro level stuff (affecting the individuals involved), not macro (affecting the picture as a whole). I could write the daily headlines. "Muslim from Saudi Arabia uses explosives supplied by Iran to blow up children in Iraqi marketplace. U.S. blamed. U.N. issues denunciation of Israel." Actually, that's not true. The press wouldn't mention that he was a Muslim.

The bigger question is why do so many people care. Everyday people commit more interesting crimes and have more entertaining breakdowns. You can see this type of trailer trash behavior on Cops all the time, but because they are “celebrities”, we’re supposed to care. Why are these people celebrities? Sure, these girls are attractive, but once you get past teenage taboo that caused thirty something men who drive trucks for a living to obsess about them, there’s not much there. There will be less pretty soon as Spears’ looks are already fading, and Lohan won’t be far behind if she keeps shoving drano up her nose. Besides, there’s plenty of good looking women (who would look even better with professional hair and makeup people) with no exceptional talent. Will these two have anything to fall back on? Spears is a “singer” and Lohan is an “actress”, but it’s not like they are anything special in their fields. I doubt any of the bubblegum crap that Spears puts out will stand the test of time, although I figure twenty years from now, she’ll be pathetically singing the same garbage to empty audiences in nostalgia bars. As for Lohan, she was in Herbie Fully Loaded where she played second fiddle to an old Volkswagon Beetle, the car designed by Hitler. On the path she’s going, she’ll be in Cinemax soft-core porno movies in a few years.

I actually had to think how I should feel about these societal leeches getting in trouble. On one hand, they're obnoxious twits who have had all kinds of advantages and piss them away. Normally, in these situations, you like to see them get a certain amount of comeuppance. The krauts didn't come up with the word schadenfreude for nothing. Yet, on the other hand, I would like to be fabulously wealthy without having to do anything for it. At least I think I would. I know it wouldn't be good for people who pissed me off in the past. And they know who they are. However, this brings up greed which is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. I'm already well situated in lust, gluttony and sloth, so I probably should avoid adding anymore. What the Hell. I think we should build a wall around LA and let them wallow in their own filth.