The Kentucky Derby & Other News

The Kentucky Derby ended sadly when second place horse Eight Belles had to be put down on the track due to two broken ankles. There have been recriminations from it, but it was an accident. Some argued that fillies shouldn't race males, but that's stupid. She was bigger than most of them, and it wasn't like she ran into one. Then the circus started as America's least favorite wackjob organization, PETA, decided to give their uninformed opinion. First, they wanted the jockey suspended (yet later said they didn't blame him). Then they came up with their demands which included no dirt racing. Because these giant animals are so fragile that they can't run on dirt. For the record, the worst breakdown I ever saw at Keeneland was on the turf course. Why would anyone take these dumbasses seriously? PETA once asked the Green Bay Packers to change their team name because "packers" came from the meat industry. And that's one of their lesser braindead moments. This is actually an organization that sent a letter to Yasser Arafat after a mule was used by a suicide bomber to tell him not to use animals in the future to blow up people. They were okay with blowing up a bus of students or a pizza joint.

This led to hand wringing by sportswriters about the cruelty of the sport. I saw one say he saw no difference between horse racing and Michael Vick's dog fighting. Well, for those stupid enough not to see the difference, let me explain what it is. The point of dog fighting is to watch two dogs try to kill each other. The point of horse racing is to see a horse outrun other horses. Having a horse get hurt (even if it survives) is considered the worst thing that could happen. That's why it's considered a tragedy. People who are criticizing horse racing don't seem to understand how horses are. Horses aren't trained to run. They are trained to pace themselves while they run. Horses run in the wild. They run in the pasture. They have to be held back while training on the track. When a jockey gets thrown off a horse, the horse will almost always finish the race without the jockey. These horses love to run. Ending horse racing won't stop them from running.

The real problem with horses is just the way they are built. Horses (and horse like animals like zebras) are odd in the fact that a broken leg is almost always a death penalty. Barbaro had only one broken leg and everything possible was done for him, and he still didn't make it. To begin with, broken legs can easily become infected (not many blood vessels down there). Even if that is fended off, horses can't go on bed rest like a human. Horses can lay down, but can't stay that way. This leads to the big problem. Laminitis. If a horse puts too much weight on one leg, it can cause a very painful inflammation and broken support. That's what got Barbaro. Can racing on dirt cause a broken leg? Certainly. Of course, horses break their leg and die in the wild. Horses have broken their leg in stalls. I volunteered at a nature center in Chattanooga. They had a pasture where people boarded their horses, and one of them broke its leg in the field. Was not a pretty sight as the horse kept struggling to get up, but couldn't. I heard they eventually called someone to show up with a .22 rifle to put it down. Taking a horse off the track doesn't mean it's not going to break its leg.

Now, up next is the Preakness. I heard on the radio that Gayego will attempt to take on Big Brown. That means those two are the only horses from the Kentucky Derby who are going on to the Preakness. Not that it really matters. I think after watching the Derby that we have a very poor class of 3 year old horses. The Derby was a slow race with slow fractions all the way around. Yet, Big Brown won easily with some horses being 50 or more lengths back. Even worse, most of the jockeys on the other nags said their horses were gassed down the stretch. A slow pace and your horse got tired? Those horses weren't very good. Now Big Brown is facing horses that didn't have the earnings to make the Derby which is why I don't see him losing to any of them unless he gets hurt. The only other chance is if Big Brown bounces hard (doesn't run worth a crap after a big race) due to being lightly raced and only getting two weeks off. Even then, he might win. If he does bounce or get hurt, I would go with Macho Again. I'll probably just put a place/show bet on him on the assumption he'll finish second. A good long shot to hit the board is Hey Byrn.

Now, all is not lost on the Triple Crown. A foreign horse just shipped in from Japan and crushed the Peter Pan Stakes. Casino Drive is really lightly raced so I'm not sure I can pick him to run huge again and win the Belmont, but it certainly makes it a lot more interesting.

And on to other things. A French doctor is saying farting, belching and sweating lead to good health. Or something along those lines. Well, I'm set.

I've got to say Democrats aren't looking too bad right now. At least compared to Italian leftees which isn't really that complimentary. In a fit of pique after being voted out of office (again), they posted the salaries of every Italian on the internet. My employer doesn't even want me to let co-workers know how much I make (probably so I won't be ridiculed for having such a lowly salary). I'm still trying to figure out the Economics minister's soap opera defense where he says "This already exists all around the world, you just have to watch any American soap opera to see that." You see, I wasn't aware that Days Of Our Lives was announcing my salary.

Still, that isn't the worst "your government at work" story I've heard recently. A Japanese bureaucrat had 780,000 hits on porn sites in only nine months. I don't think I've ever reached that level. He also wasn't fired. Just lost a little pay and got a demotion. Must be nice. The pay decrease didn't seem that much (about $155 a month) and the demotion probably means less work. I'd take that to spend my entire work day surfing porn. I'd take that to spend my entire work day surfing most websites.

Now if he was fired, he would have been better off in The Netherlands. The unemployed there are actually being forced to take some New Agey crap "Regression Therapy". I fail to see how getting "in touch with their past lives" will help them find a job. If they tossed them off unemployment, they would probably be more likely to get a job.

A civil war is breaking out in Lebanon. That's strange. The US doesn't have any involvement there, and the Israelis pulled out some time back. I don't understand. I didn't think you could have a crisis in the Middle East without US or Israeli involvement. It's almost like another country (possibly one whose name looks like the title of a Flock of Seagulls song missing the space) might be causing problems in that part of the world.

A quick thanks to Phil (or payback for that winning horse when you went to Keeneland) for calling me about going to see Iron Man. It was a very good movie. I was never a comic book nerd, but I would periodically go through stages where I would buy them and Iron Man was always a favorite.

Even though some won't admit it, anyone with a grain of sense knows that OJ Simpson committed a double homicide. Yet, he walked. A man has been put into prison because his daughter was truant while living with her mother and failed the math section of her GED. A daughter who is now an adult. That's garbage. I'm all for enforcing parental responsibility, but when the child becomes an adult, it's a moot point. You shouldn't have to go to jail because your daughter is stupid.

Now, here's a guy who definitely needs to go to jail. He trained his girlfriend's 12 year old daughter to be a dominatrix and had sex with her as part of the training. With the mother's permission and assistance. The Mother of the Year candidate (San Fransisco chapter) will probably get less time in the joint for it, but I think she should actually get more time. To begin with, sex offenders don't do well in prison so the man's experience will automatically be worse (or possibly better in his mind). Plus, she was the girl's mother. She had the added responsibility of protecting her child. I don't think dressing her in leather and handing her a whip qualifies.

And along the same lines of underage sex, the defense of all those female teachers sleeping with teenage boys has centered along the lines that they want it (an argument that doesn't work with a man and his 15 year old mail order bride or so I've heard). But this story may show that is not necessarily true. A 13 year old boy had the credit card company send him a second copy of his dad's card which he used to rent a motel room, buy an Xbox and have some hookers sent over. Yet, he didn't seem to know what to do with the hookers so he played Halo with them. Loser. No word on whether or not they beat him (at $1000 a night, they should have let him win). I've never paid a grand for a hooker, but I damned sure wouldn't be playing Xbox with them. So many things went wrong in this story. It's a sad commentary on American society that the teenagers knew enough to claim the American with Disability Act as a reason why the whores had to stay because the kiddies claimed to be circus midgets who couldn't be discriminated against. Even better, the little fraudster's defense to the cops was his father would be okay with the charges because he forgot his birthday. That got taken to a whole new level because the father felt the need to defend himself by saying he was going to take his son to Disneyland. Let's put it this way. If I did this, there would be no Disneyland. There would be hard labor. If I was lucky. Now, my dad might insist on getting serviced by the hookers since they were already paid for, but that just makes good business sense.

I'm pumped about the NBA playoffs. My Utah Jazz are tied 2-2 with the damned Lakers. Unfortunately, two of the next three games are in LA. I get the feeling that if it goes to game seven that the Lakers will have more free throw attempts in the fourth quarter than the Jazz will have the entire game.

In other sports news, Danica Patrick ran over someone else's crew member during Indy 500 practice. Reporters fell all over themselves to say it wasn't her fault, but he was not in her pit box. If you're going to drive through someone else's pit box to get to your own, it's your responsibility to look before you plow ahead. I think my first thought was the same as everyone else's. Was she fixing her makeup or talking on a cell phone when it happened?

Damned Brits and their misleading headlines.

In other science news, the animal porn story of the week is about a seal trying to have sex with a penguin. Probably too much bourbon that night. The scientists had some ideas why - inexperience, predatory act or play turned dirty. I have another thought. Sometimes you're just horny. They also refer to it as "the most unusual case of mammal mating behaviour yet known". I don't know about that. I was at a party once and saw a guy dragging a girl up and down the stairs by her hair.

But I think the story shows just how important nookie is. In an unrelated case also involving sexual frustration, a woman had a blow up with the cops because her husband wasn't interested in a little late night boning. And in the long run wanted to clean up their lives some. Which led the dingbat to rant and rave while drinking a half gallon of whisky (I think we've all been there before), steal her husband's wallet and throw the family dog at the cops. I just have a question. The husband "told his wife they had three hours to quit smoking, drinking, swearing and engaging in some sex acts" apparently due to a newfound Christian belief. I just want to know what "some sex acts" were. If deviant behavior was somehow involved, I think that is newsworthy stuff.

News Of The Week

Earlier in the week, I used an incorrect term when describing Roger Clemens as a possible "pedophile". Technically, a pedophile targets children. I'm not real sure 15 years old qualifies as a child in that respect. Especially since she was a 15 year old who was allowed to sing karaoke in a bar. And no, I'm not making that distinction in case certain aspects of my past ever pop up.

You have to give Roger Clemens credit. He's got an amazing ability to make a bad situation worse. Get mentioned in the Mitchell report as a steroid user. You could just make a little denial and go quietly into retirement. Instead, why not sue the former trainer who narced on you? Works well when he announces he still has the syringes he injected HGH into you with. Go on 60 Minutes to defend your innocense. Come across as a liar. And nut case. Insist on testifying before a Congressional committee. Come across as an even bigger liar and face possible perjury charges. Now, one of your girlfriends is ratting you out in order to help her career which brought a couple more out of the woodwork. You would think giving all that money to McCready would have bought a little more discretion out of her. I think the only person who probably feels like a bigger chump is Clemens' wife who took a bullet for him by letting him tell Congress (and the world) that she took HGH, not him.

As for McCready, what a whore. The story now is that she went up to his room when she was 15, but nothing happened even though "it was love at first sight". I'm sure they only went up there because his room had HBO. The weirdest person in this whole thing is McCready's dad, Tim. He seems to know way too much about when all the sex between his daughter and Clemens got going. Oh, and he thinks the married man who started chasing his teenage daughter was a gentleman. Of course, what do you expect from a guy whose 15 year old daughter is meeting men at bars and going up to their room? And another thing. Wasn't McCready considered a hottie back when she was a star (not really my type; something about the nose)? She's only 32, but that picture in the last article shows she hasn't aged well.

On the plus side, while researching pictures of McCready (okay, I just went to her website), I found a link on her site to some chick named Aki Hoshino. Not often you see a Japanese women stacked like that.

It could be worse. World renowned soccer star (which still puts him about 20 levels below Cameron Mills in Lexington) Renaldo had a little problem when he picked up three hookers. They turned out to be transvestites. There seems to be a dispute about what happened after getting to the room. Renaldo says they tried to extort money. The hookers say he threatened them after finding out they were packing some man-meat. I know one thing isn't in dispute from seeing the picture of the hooker. It doesn't matter whether or not Renaldo thought he was picking up a man or woman, he has lousy taste in hookers.

The value of a Yale education. "Art" student Aliza Schvarts submitted a project that basically consisted of her blood (she claimed she repeatedly inseminated herself and then induced an abortion to get it, but most likely it's "just" menstrual blood) in between sheets of plastic in the shape of a cube. Needless to say, that's a bit controversial. She said she wasn't going for "shock value" (sure she wasn't), but instead wanted to start a conversation. Here's my conversation to her. "You are an idiot. Your project is stupid, quite disgusting and unhygienic. This is typical BS "art" by untalented hacks who couldn't come up with anything worth a crap. You should be kicked out of school simply for wasting everyone's time with that garbage."

Surprisingly, Yale actually decided this could be problematic. So, they announced that she hadn't really had a bunch of abortions. It's just performance art which is code for non-artistic endeavors by people needy for attention. Then the "artist" replied that Yale is wrong and she did do what she said she did (even though she can't really say that she ever got pregnant which shows you don't have to be smart to get into Yale). Surprisingly, Yale won't let her display her idiotic project until she admits it's all fake. Actually, it's not too surprising. It's not very good PR for Yale. How would you like to explain to the parents of prospective students that this is what kind of education will come from those hugely expensive tuition payments? Or to alumni who question why you need money for endowments when this is what it goes for?

To be honest, I'm surprised Yale didn't just try to brazen it out. It's not like higher education is averse to allowing such stupidity. There's been a lot of controversy with some of Barak Obama's associates (Reverend Wright being the most well known). One of them is William Ayers who was one of the Weathermen who is still proud of his behavior to the point that he wishes he had been a better terrorist who bombed more things. His friendship with Obama notwithstanding, but Ayers is a professor at the University of Illinois at Chicago. What does it tell you about the state of higher education that a former terrorist is now a professor?

Actually, a lawsuit should tell you about the state of higher education. A former Dartmouth professor is suing Dartmouth for harassment and threatening to sue the individual students for harassing her. How did they harass her? They had the gall to disagree with her opinions. Doesn't seem to be a lot of support from Dartmouth students who seem to think the professors problem was her own incompetence. Which seems rather likely because she has a PhD in literature, but her emails are full of grammatical errors. This is a double whammy to Dartmouth's academic credibility. Not only did they hire that half-wit, they gave her a diploma before hiring her.

Still, the most embarrassed university out there should be Arizona State. They disbanded the cheerleader squad because six of the girls' pictures in underwear at a get-together ended up online. Maybe the girls should have claimed the pictures were an art project. In the interest of telling the whole story, I looked up the original web posting of the pictures. Didn't find the hot lesbo cheerleader pics I was expecting. Seems a bit ridiculous to get rid of the squad over those. Their cheerleading outfits don't have much more material than that.

I finally saw Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby and came away with two thoughts. I finally know what happened to the gray Members Only jacket that I had in high school. Gary Cole is wearing it to Applebee's in this movie. It was nice to see several of the lesser known Steve Earle songs on the soundtrack. Of course, the fact he would peddle his music for this flick kinds of belies his claim of being "Marxist". It's not like he can claim he wanted his songs on the soundtrack due to the artistic merits of the movie.

In more music news, Madonna becomes even more pathetic.

Well, the Kentucky Derby sucked. Big Brown did get the good trip that I didn't think could come out of post 20 which means serial cheater/drug user Rick Dutrow wins the Derby. Pyro gets squeezed at the start which ended his trip before it started. Colonel John hangs back about a mile before he starts running. That leaves the filly to challenge and she runs so hard that she breaks both her ankles after crossing the finish line second. Pretty gruesome injury. In fact, I've seen horses break down before, but never break both ankles at once. Which brought out a poor broadcasting sequence for the NBC people. First, the guys at the desk noted that a second equine ambulance was brought out for Eight Belles without seeming to understand the significance. Then the commentator actually on the track said she thought it might be a heart issue and maybe wasn't that bad. Well, actually, I knew she was a goner the moment that second ambulance arrived. You don't need two for one horse. The only reason to bring the second one is to block the view of the crowd as you put her down.

Not that they were the only ones not to go out of their way to embarrass their coverage. ESPN had the early races at Churchill and did their usual crap of throwing everything up to and including the kitchen sink into their coverage. I know they like their show PTI, but the less I see of Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser the happier I am. Even though both admitted they know next to nothing about horse racing, ESPN still felt the need to do a segment with them. It would have been one thing to just ask for their pick (who the Hell doesn't have a Derby pick), but to have them try to handicap something they admittedly know nothing about was absurd. Kornheiser proved he hadn't done more than Cliffs Notes level research when he said Big Brown got his name because UPS owns him. Not quite. He was named after UPS' nickname, but only because his actual owner does business with them. It's ludicrous to think UPS would own a racehorse.

So much for a coronation in the NBA East. If someone told me when the playoffs began that only one first round series would go seven games, the last one I would have thought was Boston-Atlanta. Boston had the best record in the NBA as they finished with seven more wins than any other team. Atlanta was eight games under .500, and had been swept by Boston during the regular season. Suddenly in the playoffs, Atlanta takes them to game 7?

The Kentucky Derby

I don't know why I get so pumped about the Derby. It can be a pain in the ass to handicap and this year is worse than most. Normally, it should be a good betting race for me because I don't like betting favorites because of low payouts, and the Derby is rarely won by the favorite. Since Spectacular Bid in 1979, Smarty Jones and Fusaichi Pegasus are the only winners who went off as the betting favorite (although I think Street Sense was in a virtual tie with Curlin last year). That's not to say it was only long shots. Horses like Silver Charm, Sunday Silence and Winning Colors had lower odds than Smarty Jones' 4.1-1. They just beat a bigger favorite. However, in the past 10 years, five winners had odds higher than 10-1 with three of those going off at more than 20-1.

Why is this? One is the huge field. This race often has 20 horses which means traffic is a bigger problem than a normal race. Also, they're coming from all over the country for this race so past performances aren't uniform. This year is even tougher because so many tracks have gone to synthetic surfaces which means performances could be skewed. The second favorite, Colonel John, has never run on real dirt. Keeneland's Polytrack looks like it was made from dryer lint, and some horses ran on it like it was dryer lint. Pyro looked like a monster horse going into the Bluegrass Stakes there. And then finished 10th, and now we have to wonder if he suddenly sucks or just didn't like the surface. In his defense, the other stakes winners also finished at the back of the pack.

I haven't fully decided who I'm going with, but I have narrowed it down to four horses. Considering my Derby track record, you might want to avoid those four. But first, I threw out six horses immediately because I don't think they have a shot at winning. Which means you should strongly consider them. Those were:
Anak Nakal - This horse is slow.
Eight Belles - This is a filly that should have run in the Kentucky Oaks. Nothing against fillies, but they rarely win the Derby. Now she's a big, solid looking horse who will have a 5 pound weight advantage, but previous fillies who won the Derby had faced the boys before. This horse hasn't.
Visionaire - Not a bad horse, but I don't think he can make the mile and a quarter.
Z Humor - His speed makes Anak Nakal look fast. And it's been dropping every race this year.
Smooth Air - Sprinter. Who had a fever earlier in the week.
Bob Black Jack - Another sprinter. He'll probably jump to the lead, but I can't see him hanging on.

After that, I thought some more and threw out another four although I took a longer look at them:
Big Truck - More of a tactical speed horse which is good in the Derby. Just don't think he has enough speed. Or enough class.
Cowboy Cal - This is a turf horse whose only good non-turf run was in the Bluegrass Stakes. I don't think he can handle real dirt.
Recapturetheglory - Won the Illinois Derby, but he's another sprinter who I don't think can hold the lead. However, if the odds are good, I could see him pulling a Hard Spun or Lion Heart and leading most of the way before being caught in the stretch. So, if the odds are still good, a place or show bet could be an option.
Gayego - He did win the Arkansas Derby which has been a good path to Derby victory in recent times. I don't have a good feeling about him (which means I should probably bet him) and I don't think he can make the longer distance. If the Arkansas Derby had been much longer, he would have lost.

Then came five more that were hard to throw out, but I had to just to get it manageable:
Tale of Ekati - This horse did win the Wood Memorial which was good, but I can't keep thinking about how sluggish he looked in the Louisiana Derby (run on a similar track to Churchill). Like Gayego, I think he would have been caught at a longer distance.
Adriano - Another turf horse who did well on Polytrack. Problem is he looked like crap on real dirt. It was still tough to throw him out, because Edgar Prado had a choice of horses and took this one.
Monba - The way Keeneland was playing, his win in the Bluegrass Stakes would normally have caused me to ignore him. However, he did win an allowance on dirt. Still, I don't trust him.
Denis of Cork - Was looking great until he shanked away the Illinois Derby at even money. He's a closer which is a plus, and I could see him win this, but he doesn't have the synthetic track excuse to make me forget he finished fifth in his last race.
Cool Coal Man - Toughest horse for me to toss out. He bombed in his last race, but it was the Bluegrass Stakes. I like his pedigree, but I'm tossing him out because unlike Pyro, he ran well early in the Bluegrass before faltering.

Then there is Big Brown. Big Brown will be the favorite in the Derby, and a lot of people are talking him up as the next big thing. He looked incredible in winning the Florida Derby. His previous two races were also huge wins. His trainer is basically saying he can't be beat by any horse in the Derby. I threw him out anyway. To begin with, the Florida win was great, but his first race was a turf race that got moved to the dirt because of rain (which means he beat a bunch of turf horses). Then he won an allowance race. That means the Florida Derby was only his third race. Ever. And it was because he had bad feet which could be a problem. Certainly can't think this is a sure thing. His connections hope they have another Barbaro (went from turf to dirt) who won the Florida Derby before crushing the Kentucky Derby. I would lean more towards Curlin who has turned into a great horse, but he went into the Kentucky Derby with only three previous starts and lost.

Plus, Big Brown's trainer has had drug problems (for himself and his horses) so I question his judgment. I especially question his arrogance in pushing his horse. I like a confident trainer, but he's gone way beyond it. His horse has only three starts and Dutrow thinks no one can beat him? It makes me think he'll find a way to screw this up. It reminds me of Empire Maker (a much better horse than Funny Cide) who lost because he ran four wide the entire way around the track. I'm still convinced trainer Bobby Frankel and jockey Jerry Bailey were so convinced they had the best horse that they thought they could do that and still win. They didn't. Dutrow did have a late pick in the gate draw, but taking the 20th spot was insane. He'll have the other speed horses on his inside as he tries to get in good position. He doesn't make it, and Big Brown could have a bad trip.

So, who I am leaning to?
Colonel John - My only concern with him is that he's never raced outside of California which is all synthetic tracks (although not Polytrack like Keeneland). He looks good in training at Churchill. My only concern which may keep me from betting him to win is the rain. It's one thing to go from synthetic to dirt, but it could be a bigger problem to go from synthetic to mud.
Pyro - That Bluegrass Stakes is weighing heavy. The only reason I can even try to overlook it is by recognizing that all the stakes winners on dirt who ran in the Bluegrass flopped. Still, he looked really good before that. Based on his affinity for the Fairgrounds in Louisiana, I think Pyro could take to Churchill's track. Still, the fear is that he didn't run well at Keeneland because something other than the track is wrong with him.
Court Vision - Good long shot play. He hasn't had a great year, but he was driving at the end of the Wood Memorial. I think if he had made his move a little earlier, that race would have been his. He doesn't run bad races, and I think he'll like Churchill.
Z Fortune - Another good long shot play. He had a wide trip in the Arkansas Derby and was still in good position at the end. I think he'll get a better trip coming out of the six slot which means he can pull this thing out.

So, there. Those are the four horses to avoid while I'm throwing my money down the crapper.

News Of The Week - Sex, Drugs & Rock n' Roll Edition

But mostly sex.

This may come as a shock to some, but I will defend Roger Clemens to a point. The latest story is that he began boning mildly successful country singer Mindy McCready when she was 15. Not saying that I don't believe it. In fact, I think Clemens is an egomanical dirtbag. For God's sakes, all his kids' names begin with "K" because that's the sign for a strikeout. I still believe he was a steroid cheat. I still believe he's a dick. So, it would not surprise me at all to find out that he's a pedophile. Of course, her parents were apparently letting her sing in a bar at age 15. What were they thinking? However, I will defend him on a legal point. Whether or not he's screwing teenagers is irrelevant to whether he was defamed by someone accusing him of steroid use. He was boinking them on the sly so his public reputation was intact (although I still think it's tough to defame a dick which is why I'll probably never be able to sue to protect my reputation).

What really frosts me is McCready. She's going to milk this story for publicity as she tries to restart a stagnant career. How convenient that this story pops up as she's doing a reality show around her new album, and while she doesn't admit to it, she makes a point of not denying it. Why admit to it when you can convince people to watch your crappy reality show in the hopes you admit to it then? It's not like she was anything more than a pretty face with a gimmicky song when she was a success. It also means she has fewer morals than a whore. A whore keeps her mouth shut. Well, she doesn't talk about it. Unless Clemens did something bad to her (like promise marriage or try to go backdoor while she's passed out drunk), she shouldn't be using the relationship for profit.

While Eliot Spitzer's hooker is filing a lawsuit against Girls Gone Wild, at least she isn't alleging defamation. When your reputation is how valuable your cootch is, it's tough to think you've been defamed. However, I think her suit is crap since she's arguing she couldn't be held to the contract because she was 17 (disputed) and drunk when she agreed to it. Well, if she's going to a drunken spring break week away from her parents, she's pretty much emancipated herself. If she spends a week on the Girls Gone Wild bus, she was sober at some point and well aware what was going on.

Now, it could be worse for Clemens. Some guy in New Mexico got stabbed by his girlfriend because she thought he was cheating. Her evidence? She thought he was the guy in the porno movie they were watching. Now, the story doesn't really address it, so I must assume that he wasn't really the guy in the porno. Nor is it justifiable to try to stab him if he was. I have to be honest. In most cases, I wouldn't spread around that I had to running screaming from a woman with a knife, but in this case, I would. After all, I would be able to say that I was mistaken for a porn star.

Well, we've done sex, so it's on to drugs. Colorado University had their little tradition of 10,000 people all smoking pot at the same time on April 20 because of that 4/20 slang that originated a long time ago for when high school students lit up. I'm assuming all these people got together to do the same thing at the same time to show how non-conformist they are. For the most part, I'm indifferent to pot smokers, but there was one line that stuck out to me. Some freshman chick made the statement that she went to that school for the "weed atmosphere". Hate to tell you, stupid, but that's about the dumbest reason to choose a school I've ever heard. I'll let her in on a little secret. People smoke pot at just about every college out there. I would make a crack about how proud her parents must be, but they're probably as stupid as she is. I hope they don't spend too much time thinking about the tuition money they're throwing down the crapper as their daughter majors in drug use.

And finally rock 'n roll. I've touched on celebrity hypocrisy when it comes to environmental issues before. But now we find out how hypocritical Sting is as it's pointed out how much he and his wife pollute. I personally wouldn't care what their "carbon footprint" was if they didn't go around pontificating about how eco-friendly they are. Besides, I always heard Sting was an absolute dick, and apparently his wife is too. The line I liked best was that she made her chef go 100 miles to make pasta. Hell, I can make pasta. If you can boil water, you can make pasta.

Here's a sex and rock n' roll story. Someone is peddling a Jimi Hendrix sex tape. I'll file that under "Not Gonna Watch".

Hey, here are drugs and rock n' roll. Scott Weiland ws arrested for DUI and has to go to alcohol counseling. I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you. I can't believe Weiland was only drinking.

This is how a celebrity should be busted. The black guy from CSI had heroin, cocaine and ecstacy when he was arrested.

Can't really call this a sex and rock n' roll story. Miley Cyrus is a bubble gum pop singer. And there really wasn't sex involved. It's become a big scandal that a magazine pic taken of her had a bare back with a sheet wrapped around her front. Probably not the smartest thing she's done due to her target audience, but I don't think it's that big of a deal. It wasn't blatantly sexual, and the argument that it would make people think she was naked was laughable. Maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but I assume she's been naked before and it's not likely too many people saw anything there either. However, there was one aspect of the story that did offend me. Apparently on her weblog, Rosie O'Donnell gave her opinion. The last thing I needed to see was Rosie's face crammed up against a webcam telling me how beautiful the picture looked. Give me a break. I just ate.

It doesn't matter what you do, someone is going to find a way to make it dirty.

Finally, an excuse for teenage guys who get caught spanking the monkey by their mother. Now, they are just trying to fend off prostate cancer. Adults don't need an excuse. They already know they're degenerates. Interesting study. It says daily "relief" flushes carcinogens. I'm not too sure of it. After all, it also says daily sex doesn't work because it can lead to an increased chance of STDs. How about if it's the same woman every day? And it's not a hooker? Kind of a ripoff for husbands who could use this response whenever wifey gets a headache - "Do you want me to get prostate cancer?".

Speaking of excuses, men can now get rid of that "I just got out of the tub where it shrank" excuse. Instead, they can use the "sorcerer used witchcraft to shrink my penis".

And finally a sad story. Strippers in Canada are complaining that they can't compete. Not with other strippers, but with the internet. I can't really figure this one out. They say "Why would a guy go to a club and pay to sit there if he could get it all for free on his computer at home?" How do you get a lap dance from a computer? Those edges dig in. Not that I've tried to get a lap dance from a computer. I'm just assuming. The other problem the Canadian stripper industry is experiencing is reduction of work permits for strippers from abroad. Now, that wouldn't have made much sense to me if I hadn't read a Canadian blog where the author credited the resurgence of Canadian strip clubs to foreign dancers who may have been more "giving". That link may not be safe for work.

NFL Draft - Second Round

I kind of figured that Andre Woodson would drop in the draft. I didn't think he would drop to the sixth round where he was the 11th quarterback taken. That's not good. I'm not saying he can't make a career out of it, but it will be tough. Sure, the poster child for sixth round picks making it good at QB is Tom Brady, but there are others. Marc Bulger and Matt Hasselbeck were also sixth rounders. Kurt Warner wasn't even drafted. However, you've got to have a lot of luck on your side to do it. A first round pick will be given every opportunity to be successful. A late pick needs an opportunity to open for him. For all the accolades for Brady, there's a good chance that if Drew Bledsoe doesn't get his guts ruptured by Mo Lewis, Brady doesn't become Brady. Bulger and Warner also move into starting position due to injury. If these guys don't get that opportunity, they don't get a long term chance to show what they can do. They could end up being a long term backup. Even Hasselbeck had a lot of luck. He spent two years as a backup to Brett Favre before coach Mike Holmgren moved to Seattle. Holmgren didn't have a quarterback he liked there so he trades for a former player who knows his system. Woodson could be in trouble because Eli Manning has a lock on the job with the Giants. Woodson will have to pass Anthony Wright (has longevity but shrinking talent), David Carr (absolutely sucks) and another former UK quarterback in Jared Lorenzen (popular fellow). He might have to spend a year on the practice squad, but the Giants are a top team. Maybe an assistant there gets a head job (no, not that kind) in a couple of years and decides to bring a player he's familiar with.

So, why did Woodson drop? He was a top rated quarterback going into the season. After UK beat LSU, his stock was huge. He was considered a first round prospect. Then this happened. A lot of people point to his very poor play at the Senior Bowl. Apparently, he also had problems in practices leading up to it. Some have even blamed Mike Martz for trying to fix the hitch in Woodson's throwing motion while coaching him at the Senior Bowl which led to his poor play. It makes his release very slow which he could get away with in college, but not the NFL (contrary to popular belief, the NFL is still well above the SEC in talent). Actually, those have a place in the argument, but I think it's more than that. The Martz situation certainly could have hurt, but for a different reason. Any team Woodson was going to was going to try to fix that hitch. They may think it can't be done if Martz couldn't get him to get rid of it. However, I think the big problem was that his performance began to slip later in the year (go back and watch the loss to Miss St). Poor decision making, taking sacks, etc. The knocks from early in his career began showing up again.

I understand if you have a lot of money and a sexy job that you want hot babes hanging around you, but is it smart to let someone take a picture of you holding a beer bong for an underage girl? Fine, I won't be a hypocrite. I would probably do it too.

I have nothing against Andre Woodson, and as I said about the day one drafting, NFL scouts can't evaluate college quarterbacks well. So, I'm not predicting professional failure nor do I want to see it. However, it was pretty funny to watch the meltdown on UK football messageboards when he was slipping. Even better was the reactions after the Giants took him in the sixth round. Some were complaining that Woodson was screwed by going to the Giants because he wouldn't get a chance to compete for the starting job with Eli Douchebag there. Let me explain this really quickly. If you're a sixth round pick at quarterback, you won't really be competing for the starting job no matter who takes you. Just be happy that someone did. My personal favorite was the poster who said Woodson and his agent should demand a one year contract or hold out. Yeah, because NFL teams love arrogance from low round picks. My other favorite was the number of posters who were sure Woodson was drafted as trade bait. Who is going to trade for him? He was a sixth round pick. Anyone could have taken him if they wanted him that bad.

Some other locals went on day two. Louisville had offensive tackle Breno Giacomini join Brian Brohm with the Packers. Add former Cardinal player Jason Spitz who is already there and Green Bay is shaping up to be Louisville North. Unless it's Atlanta becoming Louisville South. Chris Redman is already there, and they added receiver Harry Douglas. I think Atlanta fans will be really happy with Douglas (you hear that Spitzer?). He doesn't have the physical attributes to be a Randy Moss or Terrell Owens (nor does he have the mental problems they bring to the table), but he has the ability to be another Wes Welker or Bobby Engram who have long careers doing nothing but helping their teams win. I was a little surprised Atlanta took him (or re-signed Redman) due to their grudge against Bobby Petrino. Some teams seem to gravitate towards players from one college. Atlanta and Green Bay from this year. Tight end (no, not that kind) Gary Barnidge went to Carolina who once drafted Stefan LeFors and Eric Shelton from UL in back to back years. Then there was Mario Urrutia who got lucky when he was drafted seventh from the end by Cincinnati. Well, maybe not so lucky since he's the property of Cincinnati when he could have picked a team if he wasn't drafted at all.

Speaking of Owens, he may have been involved in a porn shoot.

Still, Mario may have wanted to go to Cincinnati. They cut serial criminal Chris Henry who I would slur by calling a West Virginia alum, but I'm pretty sure he didn't actually graduate. Chad Johnson is threatening to not play if he doesn't get traded. And he won't. If the Bungles won't take a first rounder and a third-to-possible-first rounder from Washington, they are holding steady. Truthfully, I think Chad plays. If he doesn't, he doesn't get paid. Still, it's nice to see that he cares more about everything except winning. I don't know how I ever got the impression that Chad Johnson was one of the most selfish players in the league.

Oh, and there were some non-Louisville local players taken. Actually, Keenan Burton is a Louisville player, but not a University of Louisville player. He went to St. Louis which is a good spot for him. Isaac Bruce is gone, so he can work his way in. Fellow UK player Jacob Tamme also got drafted as a good fit. He's a tight end who can't block and is really a slow wide receiver, but Indianapolis likes that kind of tight end. UK had four players taken, and Andre Woodson is the only one going to a bad spot. Steve Johnson went to Buffalo which isn't chock full of receiver. Just losers. Just kidding.

I won't give draft grades because it's pretty silly to rate players in the draft when so many come out of nowhere while high picks fail pretty regularly. Still, I can't get over Baltimore giving up so much for Kyle Boller number 2 when they still have Kyle Boller number 1. I also still can't get over Jacksonville giving up so much for a defensive end who lacks hustle. I compared it to what Minnesota willingly gave up for Jared Allen (an actual accomplished NFL player). I want to point out something. I made this argument fairly early Sunday morning. Semi-respected football website, Profootballtalk.com, made the same argument after lunch. The difference is that I don't consider the first round draft pick lost. You trade a pick for a player then you should consider that pick for them. The Vikes didn't lose a pick. They used it for Allen. Jacksonville was just dumb. They gave up a bunch for an unproven rookie. Even worse is that Jason Taylor of the Dolphins (another very good defensive end/rush linebacker who has proven himself at the NFL level) is apparently available for a second round pick. Why not trade for him?

Off the subject, why do I like Cher's song If I Could Turn Back Time?

Other things stood out to me. Rex Grossman is on a one year contract. He is universally hated by Bears' fans. No one considers him the quarterback of the future for Chicago. Why didn't Chicago take a quarterback?

How did Mike Hart fall to the sixth round? He was projected first or second round if he comes out as a junior last year. He drops this far? Michigan was an embarrassment to the start the season (losing to Appalachian State will do that to you). More than any other player, Hart stepped up, showed leadership and led that team to a strong finish. Now, I think the Big 10 is overrated every year, but how does this guy slip so far? They blamed it on his slow time in the 40 yard dash. Sorry. Look at game tape. The guy can play. He actually does something that highly rated running backs like Reggie Bush don't seem to be able to master. He follows his blockers. What a concept. An offensive lineman takes out a potential tackler. Who would have thought you could gain yards behind him?

Actually, I think it's a damned shame that measurables become more important than ability. This is why first round quarterbacks and receivers flop about 50 percent of the time. They are the positions measured most when they aren't actually playing. Run a route in shorts. Make every throw to receivers who aren't covered. That doesn't tell you what they can do when there is a defense on the field. Take the 6 foot 6 inch quarterback with a cannon. Who cares if he constantly throws it over his receiver's head or to the other team. Take that big, physical receiver who can't catch. Good strategy there.

This is a good one. Cincinnati has a lot of issues regarding the character of its players. So, why not take a defensive tackle in the fifth round who was kicked off his college team for a couple of DUIs? I personally like the fact that his hit and run was against an apartment building. How do you not notice there's a building in front of you? I think the worst part is most draft boards (that threw out his criminal/anti-social behavior) didn't think he was worth a fifth round pick anyway. Do the Bengals even have a scouting department?

One quarterback who went ahead of Andre Woodson was Colt Brennan from Hawaii. Why? This guy wasn't even as good as Timmy Chang who played at Hawaii and didn't do squat professionally. It's a gimmick offense that any quarterback can put up big numbers in. Plus, Hawaii played a WAC conference (nickname the No Defense Conference) schedule with a couple of BCS bottom feeders thrown in. They struggled to go undefeated with that. When they faced Georgia in the Sugar Bowl, they clearly showed they had no business being there. Yet, someone takes Brennan? Well, why not? Division I-AA is lower than the WAC and Baltimore took Joe Flacco.

NFL First Round

Due to being at a family gathering, I wasn't able to live blog the draft this year (although I certainly watched it). I just had a few thoughts about it. I liked the new 10 minute (as opposed to 15 minutes in the past) time limit for the first round. As people in the fantasy league know, I think you should be able to think ahead enough to have a few ideas of who you want. What I don't like is only having two rounds on day one. It was better with three. It split things well. Plus, it gives more players a chance to point out they were a first day selection. It's all about the ego, baby.

The draft started off with an offensive lineman. It continued on that way. Out of 31 picks, eight were offensive tackles. Well, one, Branden Albert of Virginia, was listed as a guard, because he played all but two games at guard in college. Yet, he's projected at left tackle in the NFL which confuses me why this guy was such a high rising prospect (guards and centers almost never go in the first round). If you're not good enough to start any season at left tackle at Virginia, how easy is it to do at Kansas City?

I was surprised how much Minnesota was criticized by sports writers for trading away their number one pick (along with two third round choices) for defensive end Jared Allen from the Chiefs. How can you criticize that? Consider it this way, the Vikings gave up two third round picks to essentially draft Allen with the 17th overall pick. Allen is the best defensive end in the country. During the draft, Jacksonville gave up two thirds and a fourth to draft defensive end Derrick Harvey (9th overall) who some think doesn't play hard all the time. So, Minnesota gave up less to get a proven NFL star than Jacksonville did to get an unproven player with knocks against him. Who do you think got the better deal?

There's a reason Dallas hasn't won a playoff game in 12 years. Jerry Jones sucks at drafting. I realize he went to Arkansas himself, but how smart is it to lock onto a player from that school in the first round when that player is at the same position as your Pro Bowl running back?

Of course, the Steelers did the same thing with Rashard Mendenhall at the very next spot. Granted, Willie Parker is coming off an injury and the Steelers always like having more than one back. Plus, I like Mendenhall a lot, but with flux at the offensive line, I think they could have waited on another back. However, on the plus side, they did get the big receiver Ben Roethlisberger wanted when Limas Sweed dropped into their lap in the second round. Maybe Ben will stop whining about this.

The intrigue of the first round was the cat and mouse game with the Jets and Patriots. Apparently, the Jets were paranoid that the Patriots would trade up just to get ahead of the Jets to draft whoever they thought the Jets wanted out of spite. Good way to plan your draft board. Spend all your time worrying about another team instead of just taking someone. Then draft Vernon Gholston who looks really good standing on a football field or in workouts, but never was that productive in college.

And finally, we have the quarterbacks. I watched Matt Ryan play several games in college and contrary to popular belief, he had a few really bad games. He's a good quarterback, but I'm not so sure the guy is such a sure thing. In fact, if Boston College had risen to #2 in the country at one point last year, I don't think Ryan gets such hype. I wasn't surprised that Brian Brohm dropped into the second round. Somehow he had a better season this past year, but since an atrocious defense caused UL to go 6-6, Brohm got blamed. Plus, for all the talk about NFL teams and their talent evaluations, they often suck at evaluating quarterbacks. Brohm was labeled (even by detractors) as the most pro ready QB in the draft. So, what happens? Baltimore trades up to draft Joe Flacco out of Delaware in the first round. This is a guy who transferred from Pitt to Delaware because he didn't think he could beat out Tyler Palko. Tyler Palko? You've got to be kidding me. You're going to trade up to get a guy who wouldn't even try to beat out Tyler Palko?

The reason Flacco rose so high was that he had the strongest arm. Strong arms are nice. The first round is littered with strong arms. They are usually listed as first round flops. Think names like Kyle Boller, Ryan Leaf, Jim Druckenmiller. Jeff George is one of the most successful first round quarterbacks who had a "big arm" which should tell you something. Then look at the top quarterbacks in the NFL. How many big armed gunslingers are there? Not many. There's a reason for that. Throwing the ball 75 yards is impressive, but if you've overshot your receiver by 15 yards, it's not that productive. The most successful quarterbacks are the ones who can throw accurately, because the point is to get the ball to the receiver. I would have taken Chad Henne over Joe Flacco.

Well, at least Brohm went to a team that's well run. And by going to Green Bay, it could work out well for him. Considering how much the Packers begged Favre to stick around the past couple of years, they can't be completely sold on Aaron Rodgers. Steve Young said it was bad for Rodgers because he had more pressure. So what? The NFL is full of pressure. Deal with it. If Rodgers fails, Brohm doesn't have the stigma of replacing a legend. He's just replacing Aaron Rodgers.

News Of The Week

Some of us knew about the biofuel boondoggle a couple of years ago. Back then, the problem was that this supposedly environmentally friendly "alternative" fuel used as much energy to produce as it created and led to deforestation as farmers clear-cut to grow more. The problem now? Well, when food is used to make a gas additive rather than used as food, it causes food prices to go up which causes hunger in the third world (well, more hunger actually). I guess the environmentalists will be okay with that as long as the decomposing bodies in Africa don't emit greenhouse gases. Actually, in the US, the pathetic thing is that the friggin' farm lobby is the problem. They've managed to get the ethanol industry heavily subsidized which means agribusiness does well while people starve. Outstanding. Bet that never comes up during the Iowa caucus. I'm very concerned because while I don't eat corn (and can live without corn chips), bourbon is 50% corn based.

Normally I wouldn't give two craps about some British (I assume) film critic deciding to name the worst movie ever. Until he said it was Heaven's Gate. For those select few lucky readers who followed the soft core porn/fantasy football reports I wrote for the TRU Fantasy Football League, you might remember the couple of years that the weekly report included a Bad Movie Review. Well, week 8 included one of Heaven's Gate. WARNING: the link is safe for work, but none of the weekly reports are (I know my audience). I never considered Heaven's Gate the worst movie I ever saw (although it was shockingly bad), but the article that claims it is does have a point. Based on expectations, budget and bad stuff that ever happened afterward, it is the biggest disaster of a movie. By the way, week 6 has the movie I consider the worst I've ever seen. I thought about copying those reviews into the blog just to fill space (and I thought they were funny), but since I decided to keep the language (not content) relatively clean here, it would be too much work to take out the dirty words.

Some people might consider this a sad story. I don't, but some might. A dude wins 5.1 million pounds (since he's in England, I'm assuming that's money there and not weight) in the local lottery. Nice little extra note that he also won another 500 pounds celebrating with bingo which is important because winning 5,100,500 pounds is more impressive than winning 5,100,000. But he's lost it all due to bad investments. What a loser. If you're going to blow that much money in three years, at least make it interesting by wasting it on hookers and blow. Granted, if I won that kind of money, it wouldn't be good for anyone. It would be payback time. That girl in high school who wouldn't give me the time of day? Let's see how much money it'll take to make her sleep with a hobo on film?

I may have insinuated that I like college days at Keeneland because the girls wear skimpy outfits, but I'm beginning to hate it. I was out Friday when it was college day, and college students suck. They have no clue what they are doing. Let me explain something to novice bettors. Know your bet before you get to the window. If you want to do an 8 horse 10 cent superfecta, know what combinations you want before you get to the window. If you are going to bet on the electronic machines, learn how to do it before you get in line. If you don't know how to use the machine, go to a window with a person who might be able to help. Don't go up there wanting to do a 3 horse exacta box and not know $2 isn't enough to make that bet. Learning how to bet by machine five minutes to post is a good way to piss off a lot of people. A fight almost broke out in my line Friday when some schmuck was taking forever to make a bet. When his conversation with his girlfriend degenerated into "Who do you like? I don't know. Who do you like? I asked you first.", another patron announced if you're too stupid to pick a horse, go to the window. And no, it wasn't me, but I was hoping for a fight because that would have taken two spot out of the line. Thank God the beer was cold and I won a couple of hundred bucks. Of course, due to that crap, I'll probably go out this Thursday instead of Friday because the last day of the meet is usually more crowded which means more morons in front of me.

Oh, and we had some kind of earthquake this week. Surprisingly, it did wake me up. The bedroom light fixture started rattling. I figured it was the upstairs neighbors getting freaky early. And it was 5:30 in the morning, so I wasn't going to get up to find out otherwise.

And on to the reunion tour no one wanted. New Kids On The Block. I was a little surprised that the whole group made it back. Now, most of the bums probably needed the work, but I thought Donnie Wahlberg had a credible enough acting career that he could avoid crap like this. Funny story about my introduction to New Kids On The Block. I moved from north Georgia to Maryland in 1989 while still in high school and completely oblivious to a boy band (that can't really be called a band because they didn't play instruments) called New Kids On The Block. I met up with the daughter of one of my father's army buddies when I got there, and she was all excited that she was going to a New Kids On The Block concert (NKOTB as she called them). I couldn't understand why she was so excited because I thought she was talking about the disabled puppets that I had seen in grade school called Kids On The Block. Sadly, excitement over seeing NKOTB is about as pathetic as excitement over seeing KOTB.

This story shows the downside of videoing something and putting it on Youtube (not to mention putting stuff up your butt). Some Filipino doctors are in trouble for videoing the operation to remove a body spray canister from some guy who got drunk, had a gay one night stand and can't remember how it got there. I've got a few ideas how. Granted, the fact that the doctor sprays the canister around the supposedly sterile operating room is not a good thing, but I'm not sure why this is such a big deal. They don't even know who the patient is. Well, they didn't, but he says that he's going to press charges which is not really a good way to remain anonymous. He says he's embarrassed and should be, but I think we can all take a lesson from this. When you get drunk and stuff foreign objects up your ass, give specific instructions to the attending physicians that they are not to video it's removal.

Speaking of people who stuff things up their rear, a CNN reporter got busted in Central Park for having some meth. If it was just meth, I wouldn't care, but apparently he had a sex toy in his boot (I'm assuming that was a boot on his foot and not British slang for somewhere else). Even better, he had a rope tied around his neck and junk. That takes on a funny note when you read later in the article his reporting style was "known for hollering antics". Well, I'd be hollering too if I had rope around my johnson all the time. I wonder if this is why Brett's always yelling. Truthfully, I'd rather not know.

I'm sure I could relate this story to the previous one, but it's in Canada where I have much lower expectations of logical behavior. Some guy is taking the police to the Human Rights Commission because he couldn't get a chauffeur's license because he's a pagan bondage freak. I won't get into the question of why the cops are issuing chauffer's license or why they think a bondage freak isn't deserving of one. I am curious how they figured it out. Was he dressed like the Gimp?

I remember selling candy bars for school fund raisers. I don't remember the PTA selling nude calendars to raise money. Well, that was tried in Spain and failed. A group of local women there tried to raise money by posing for a nude calendar, but something went wrong and they ended up in debt. You know, the local schmoes doing a nude calendar to raise money shtick has gotten old. I didn't sell very many of the nude calendars I did last year.

But at least they haven't banned tag like some wuss schools are doing in this country. Why don't we just wrap kids in bubble wrap. They already took away dodge ball at a lot of schools. What's next? No more Smear The Queer because it sounds homophobic?

Now, here's a nice story. A dog loses her two front legs, but learns to walk around on her hind legs. Which should shame some of those people on the scooter at Kroger simply because they are grossly overweight.

And news from the police state that is now central Florida. A young lady decided to help out the authorities with traffic congestion, and what do they do? They send her away for a brain check just because God told her to help. Well, and she was doing it topless. Damn shame that chicks are no longer allowed to create a dangerous situation with a little public nudity anymore.

God, I love stories out of Africa. You never hear about 53 schoolgirls (and two obviously gay guys) having a group hysterical fit in Dayton. But you do in Senegal. What really makes this funny to me is that I know where the term "hysteria" came from (and it predates the Def Leppard album). It's an old medical term for female horniness for which the modern day woman can thank for their vibrators.

And finally, I'm not Catholic so I'm pretty indifferent to the Pope visiting. As a figurehead, I would put him ahead of the Queen of England. As a head of state, I would put him above most European leaders. And I'm sure he's a nice guy and all, but I don't really care. However, it did lead to one good thing. I've always been a sucker for military bands.

Even More News Of The Week

I could have waited until later to write this up, but important breaking news has occurred. Guns N' Roses' is finally releasing their album Chinese Democracy (or as I like to call it Taiwan). This album has been in the works for 13 years. Granted, they are still working out the monetary details which means it could really hit the market by 2011. I'm not going to say it will suck, but I'm willing to bet it will be pretty bland and make only a small ripple. What will suck is the fact that there may be a reality show made in connection with it. Considering how long the album took, that show could go on for years. Except it's based on one of the least liked celebrities out there. And unlike that Kardashian chick, he doesn't have a big (female) ass or a sex tape that anyone would have any interest in watching.

Speaking of sex tapes, there's a rumor out there that a Marilyn Monroe sex tape has emerged. I certainly wouldn't be interested in seeing such filth (except for strictly research purposes), but I imagine it would be more anticipated (and less vomit inducing) than another one by Chyna. Too bad some dirtbag bought the film with the intent of burying it so no one (except him) gets to see it. Pervert.

Since I've got the porno story out of the way, I guess hookers are next. It was reported a while back that Senator David Vitter was caught up as a john in the DC Madam case. Now, we're finding out that one of the hookers working for the madam was a naval officer who was stationed at the Naval Academy (poor lass was working at a place where they probably couldn't afford her services). Obviously she had to be an officer. If she had been an NCO, the only Senator she would have been interested in sex with would have been Dianne Feinstein. I like the comment that she is on leave from the Navy. She should probably stay on leave for awhile. If adultery is a court-martial offense, prostitution probably is too.

Hey, how about another hooker story. This one was a women running an escort service in her free time from teaching high school. I would make the comment that finding clients there would be even harder than at the Naval Academy except damned high school kids seem to have more disposable income than I do.

When Barak Obama got a lift from Oprah Winfrey's endorsement, I did not understand where Oprah got that kind of credibility. The fact that she spawned Dr. Phil on us means her credibility should be completely shot. His latest is posting bail for one of those cheerleaders from the gang assault. Bail was contingent on getting an exclusive from her. Now Dr. Phil is leaking that it was some low level production assistant who did it, but what's the likelihood that guy even has $3 grand on him at any time?

Speaking of Obama, his latest gaffe was a good one. He basically said that small town people lose their job and become bitter which leads them to become gun toting, bigoted religious fanatics who want to ship all the Mexicans back. But he did apologize for it. Well, he basically said he's sorry that people couldn't figure out what he really meant. I did like the fact that he's claiming he used the wrong choice of words. Strange how such a great speaker is now beginning to "misspeak" a lot when he doesn't have a teleprompter in front of him. Now, the defense is that he misspoke and he was right anyway because people really are bitter. I wouldn't argue about that since we are talking about Democratic primary voters and Democrats are just bitter people. However, it misses the point. Read the quote. Obama is explaining what the bitterness has led people to. One of which is racism (antipathy to people who aren't like them). So, basically, Obama is saying small town midwestern people are bigots. The bitterness is the reason why they become such bigots.

His opponent Hillary Clinton is making some noise about it, and to show that she understands the "little people" of Pennsylvania, she does a boilermaker with them. Of course, there is a problem. Hillary has begun attacking free trade, and especially NAFTA. And yet, when it came down to what to drink, she has Crown Royal. Blended Canadian whisky that's bottled only in Manitoba, Canada. American whiskey not good enough for you, Hillary?

But all is not lost for Hillary. Elton John has come out with his endorsement of her and appears to believe that anyone who doesn't vote for her is misogynistic. Yeah. Somehow I don't think I'll be taking my voting cues from a poorly dressed British homo who can't even vote in this country.

Oh wait, not done with the porno stories. In Italy, porn star Milly D'Abbraccio is running for something or other in Rome. Obviously Hillary's presidential campaign has encouraged women around the world to seek office no matter how stupid their campaign is. This "actress" has built her campaign around her butt (to think Kim Kardashian only got a reality show out of hers). Which is good. Why wait until you take office to show your ass as a politician?

Hey, North Korea has promised that the Olympic torch relay won't be disrupted when it's carried through North Korea. That's certainly true. Unlike London or Paris, the protection policy in North Korea will be shoot first and if that doesn't work, shoot again. England is considering dropping the international part of the torch relay when London hosts the 2012 Olympics. It's somewhat controversial because you don't want to mess with an Olympic "tradition" that began two Olympics ago (before 2000, the torch pretty much ran through the host country). I have a better idea. How about England refrain from initiating a bloody crackdown on Tibet that year?

Here's a heart warming story about parents making decisions about their 4 year old child's future. His mother thinks he should join Crips while his father wants him in the Westside Ballers. I'm thinking Child Protective Services myself. The fact that his parents could be members in different gangs and still manage to have an illegitimate child together gives hope for everyone. I think Hollywood should make a move about them. It could be West Side Story II.

Of course, I'm sure it's all a government conspiracy. Alicia Keys thinks "gangsta rap" is a big government conspiracy. Which means talent and looks can't mask latent stupidity forever. Of course, she's not smart enough to realize that she's insulting all the "gangsta rap" aficionados by saying they were duped by a bunch of bureaucrats.

This is one of the more bizarre stories that I've read in a long time. A guy balled up some bread and tried to sell it as crack. That wasn't the weirdest part. He was trying to sell it at a Florida nursing home. Doesn't he realize those people are on fixed incomes? And probably not crack smokers.

I just want to say for the record that I don't live in New York nor do I ride the subway there. Some guy is facing a life sentence for his 53rd arrest. For what? Rubbing up against women in the subway. Which means I'm thinking of moving to New York and riding the subway. Hey, if you can get away with it the first 50 some times.......

More News Of The Week

Here's an idea for Civics classes in our high schools. Instruct your students that if you engage in a gang assault on another student and knock her unconscious, trying to convince the authorities that you were justified because she said mean things about you on MySpace probably won't work. Oh, and video taping it (and not destroying the tape when the cops start sniffing around) just isn't too bright either. Little hard to deny your involvement at that point. You would think with all the cop shows on that these morons would realize just what great evidence an actual video of a crime would be.

Those girls in Tampa should consider themselves lucky. At least they're alive to become Big Bertha of Cell Block D's girlfriend. Two stupid bimbos in LA had their robbery attempt foiled when the cab driver sped away from their armed boyfriend (who was outside the cab while these geniuses were inside). The next step was to slash the cabbie with box cutters until he crashes the cab. And now they are dead.

Too bad high school students aren't the only stupid ones. A high school teacher in Texas tried to marry a 17 year old student at his school. Yeah, real bright. Try denying that one. "Yes, I married a student, but it doesn't mean we're having sex" (which a lot of married couples would actually agree with that possibility).

Maybe he should move to Australia where they could have this possible headline "Man reunites with daughter after 30 years. Impregnates her. Twice."

I wasn't going to say much about the Barak-Obama-has-a-bigoted-anti-America-preacher thing. To begin with, it was old news to me since these stories were out there long before "real journalists" "discovered" it. Second, Michelle Obama has certainly branched into the anti-American arena, so it makes sense that she got it honestly. And to be honest, I wasn't really surprised the guy didn't like whites or Jews. He did give an award to Louis Farrakhan. Actually, I think the parts of his sermons that really got me were two things. One, his use of crude, sexual jokes (Bill & Monica) and personal name-calling (calling Condaleeza Rice "Condaskeeza) may have a place somewhere (blogs are good), but seem to be a bit much for the pastor of a church. Two, when talking about 9/11, the bad Reverend Wright spoke of "chickens coming home to roost" to basically say we deserved it. What made it worse was just how giddy he seemed to be over the fact.

Still, I was going to ignore it until I heard another "pundit" proclaim Obama's bravery because he made some "candid" speech on race where he said it was white people's fault or something along those lines. How could anyone think Obama's speech was brave? The main appeal of his candidacy is that he supposedly above race. So, finding out that a man who mentored Obama for years could be a bit bigoted might be a problem for it. What else was Obama supposed to do? He had to give the speech. The real problem for Obama is not so much that people might think he hates white people. It's that he's been running as "a different kind of candidate", and this speech could counteract that little image. Why? First off, he proved he would do anything to win this race by trashing his grandmother (the woman who took him in after his father abandoned him and his mother left the country) as being just as racist as Wright. Because she was supposedly afraid she might get mugged by a black man. Which she was right about. She just didn't know the mugging would be verbal and by her grandson.

Still, the worst thing for Obama is that he came out as a liar. Sure, Hillary Clinton lies all the time, but that's pathological. Not only do we know she lies, but we expect it. Besides, she doesn't claim to be something new and special. Oprah said something to the affect that Obama won't just tell the truth, he knows how to be the truth. No, he's a friggin' liar. First he said that he didn't hear Wright's "controversial" sermons. Then in his speech, he admitted that he had. Then he said he disagreed with them, but he stayed because Wright was like a family member who you can't disown. Yet, he was perfectly willing to bring his young children to listen to those sermons that he says he condemns. Then later, he goes so far as to say he would have left if Wright wasn't retiring. Really? After 20 years, he's finally almost maybe had enough. Next thing you know, they're going to find out Obama is doing other things "typical politicians" do like trying to exploit government treasury for personal gain, stretch the truth on political donors, lie about how color blind his campaign is or get involved in a shady land deal.

Besides, Obama can't bowl. He recently rolled a 37 which was the worst bowling performance I've seen in at least the past two weeks. Gotta admit that it was pretty funny to see how many people defended his performance by pointing out that bowling is a white guys' thing which is odd because I've been a league bowler for years and there are many blacks in the bowling leagues. I just can't believe his handlers were that stupid. If you're going to do a photo-op at a bowling alley, doesn't it make sense to make sure he knows how to bowl even a little bit?

When I go, this is how I want my funeral to be. With a stripper.

Postmen can be such wussies. Some Wisconsin postal carriers are running into a problem where wild turkeys are trying to mate with them. They're fighting them off with squirt guns which is surprising since assault rifles are usually the choice of arms for postmen.

At least they don't have to fool with cobras. Some idiot in South Africa was bitten by a Cape cobra which is the third time he's been bitten by a highly venomous snake. He seems to be oblivious to the fact that having poisonous snakes living in your bedroom might lead to bad things. He probably dates hookers and wonders why his junk is burning.

I'm glad some student is doing something useful in college.

Ah, sibling love. A Santa Fe man was trading his sister to his drug dealer to pay off his heroin debt. I would write more, but I'm off to get some smack.

News Of The Week

Always nice to see an 80s icon (a term I'm using loosely) make a comeback. Somehow Rick Astley has become a popular internet attraction as people engage in RickRolling which I originally assumed was some perverted sex act involving Ricky Martin. However, it seems to be sending a prank link that leads unsuspecting porn surfers to his video so that new generations can ask the same question that people of the 80s did 20 years ago when they first viewed it. "That guy is white?". After reading how two of his three albums ("Greatest Hits" and "Platinum & Gold Collection") are still in print, my question is how do you do two greatest hits albums when you only had one hit?

The latest political sex scandal deals with a Michigan Senator's husband who got caught in a prostitution sting. I was pretty indifferent until I read the part that he paid $150 and left after 15 minutes. Let this be a lesson for you. If you visit a hooker at a hotel, the police may be videotaping. So just hang out with the hooker so that people won't think you're a quick shooter.

I wandered across this blog entry about Mexican Emo fans being beat up by metalheads, punk rockers and rockabilly boys down south of the boarder. I'm not sure if my first thought was "There's rockabilly boys in Mexico?" or if it was "What the Hell is Emo?".

The latest clash between Western culture and Islamic life was a Dutch film called Fitna which seems to indicate that Islam causes followers to engage in violence. I think the best part was the Dutch government saying that you can't equate Islam and violence. And yet, they didn't want the video released because it might lead to things like violence from Muslims. Gee, threats of violence from Muslims angry that you might think they're violent. I'm actually surprised that this became news. It's pretty routine.

As always, Muslims demand respect for their religion while being totally oblivious to the fact that Islamic countries are the worst offenders of religious discrimination. Malaysia keeps locking up a woman up for joining a sect that worships tea pots (Malaysia also likes to demolish Hindu temples and confiscate Bibles). Remember. Malaysia is considered one of the most moderate Muslim nations.

Contrast that with Austria. A Catholic museum did an art display of some kook who liked painting things such as the last supper showing how Jesus and the Apostles masturbated each other. The idiot director says the point of the display was to "provoke a debate". Exactly what are we supposed to be debating? I must have missed all the theological discussions over whether Jesus enjoyed a good, old fashioned circle jerk after Passover meals. Showing idiocy is contagious, the reporter tried to make a connection between protests over this display and those by Muslims over Fitna or the Muhammad comics. Except of course, this protest seems to be missing the death threats, acts of violence, property damage or calls to break off diplomatic relations. In fact, most of the anger seems to be over the fact that a Catholic Church runs the museum. So, yeah. The situation is very similar. Much like the invasion of Panama is exactly like the invasion of Normandy.

Sure, it's not the same thing as a woman going in for a leg operation and getting a new anus, but we get another case of a German patient not getting what she wanted. A woman lost a lot of weight and went in to get her skin tightened. The doctor did so by putting in breast implants. I'm sure her husband is furious.

Here's a fun story. Man "surfs" on top of his minivan until it wrecks and flings him into the woods. He then strips off all his clothes and runs down the road with his guts hanging out while ignoring three jolts from a taser. I want to party with that guy.

Ah, the Olympics. I've never been a big believer of the "Olympic Myth" that it's some kind of pure event that's above politics. It's always been political. If it wasn't, the best athletes period would be there instead of being there as national representatives. So, I find it really funny to see the Olympic committee squirm while the Olympic torch gets protested while going through Europe. Granted, I'm not a proponent of people destroying property or attacking others during a protest, but it was pretty funny to see someone chasing the torch with a fire extinguisher. In China's defense, they've been subjugating Tibetans (and pretty much all Chinese for that matter) for almost 60 years without much complaint. How could they know that it would suddenly be a problem? Actually, the Olympic committee has only themselves to blame. You gave the Olympics to a totalitarian regime that has an abysmal record on human rights, constantly threatens its neighbor (an actual democracy), enabled genocide in the Sudan, used the games as an excuse to arrest dissidents and puts lead in all its export products. And it freely admits that it wanted the Olympics to show its political and economic power. Which is the same reason the Germans wanted the 1936 Olympics, and that worked so well. How could the Olympic committee not have seen there might be a problem?

So, the Clintons have made $109 million since Bill left office in 2001. Kind of makes you take Hillary with a giant grain of salt whenever she bitches about someone else's greed.

More proof why Johnny can't read. His school administrators are stupid. An 8 year old was suspended for sniffing a Sharpie. This was in spite of the fact that they were told you cannot get high from huffing Sharpies. When retarded people are running the schools, what chance do the kids have?

And finally, in news that is just plain weird, a man received a heart transplant from some dude who shot himself. Man meets the decedent's wife. Marries her. And eventually shoots himself. I wonder if the wife is taking this personally?

The Keeneland Spring Meet

I think I've mentioned before how much I like Keeneland. It's got it all. Gambling. Cold Beer. Really good beef franks at the concession stands. Degenerate gamblers in their wives' housecoats who are betting away the rent money (which makes me feel better about myself). Oh, and women in revealing outfits no matter how cold it is. Opening day was chilly, rainy and windy, but the women were not going to wear a coat to cover up what they were wearing. Sadly, the weather meant the crowd was one of the worst opening days I've ever seen. Hell, it was worse than some Wednesday I've been to. So, the number of women in skimpy clothing was down, but not their desire to show a lot of themselves, God bless them.

Actually, I find a lot of the attire to be quite amusing. Unless I've gotten a ticket in one of the dining rooms, I'm not wearing anything different. Blue jeans, button down shirt (need the pocket to hold my tickets), sneakers (I'm on my feet all day, I will be comfortable) and possibly a ballcap if it's sunny or raining. Then I look at others. Women in very expensive dresses who are also wearing flip-flops (and yes, a friend had to point this out to me because my gaze rarely goes that far down). Very common on college scholarship day. Not so much on Military Day. Then, there are the college men who like to wear their Sunday finest. With sneakers. And quite often a cigar because they think it makes them look like a Big Shot rather than a homeless bum. And the cigar usually shows their lack on knowledge on the varying quality of cigars because it smells like they are smoking a turpentine soaked synthetic rope. And finally, there is the poor sap who wears a three piece suit on a very warm day. And then finds himself in line behind the degenerate gambler in his wife's housecoat whose hasn't bathed in a week. Bet he's never felt more high class.

Still, it's the racing. Well, except for the 17th when they bring the steeplechase crap out there. Or on Blue Grass Stakes day when it gets really crowded and my claustrophobia kicks in causing me to push little kids over the rail. Really, I wish they would do what Hollywood Park does and begin Friday's racing in the evening. I would go every Friday and not have to use vacation time. Instead, I have to take two half days because I want to go to opening day and the Maker's Mark Mile. It's probably a good thing that I'm too lazy to wait in line for a Maker's Mark Keeneland bottle or I'd have to use a full day to get it signed. Or maybe not since this year it's a commemorative Joe B. Hall bottle. Which is a step up from the last two which commemorated Rupp's Runts and The Unforgettables. With all the championship team's in UK's history, it seems a little strange to me that you would commemorate two teams that didn't win it all. In the case of The Unforgettables, they didn't even make the Final Four. In the case of Rupp's Runts, their loss to Texas Western led to UK (fairly or not) being labeled a bastion of racism.

Still, it's the racing. Okay, I like to watch horses race, but it wouldn't be as much fun without the gambling. Ironically, this past weekend was one of my best ever as I'm up almost $600 from Friday and Saturday alone (don't ask for a loan, I'm sure I'll lose it back before the end of the meet), and yet, it proved again that you're never going to win at this game. Over half of my winnings came from one $4 bet. I'm looking at race one and think the #11 horse is a monster who should win, but he's going off at even odds. Those suck, so I'll throw a couple of bucks on the #9 horse who looks decent (he wasn't). Hey, my grandmother's favorite jockey (they used to live in the same apartment complex in Louisville) is riding the #12 horse who is long odds at 15-1. His history says he'll go to the front, but won't hold the lead. Still, he might hold up for third so I throw a show bet on him in case he hits the board. Now, I like to do a Daily Double (for novices, that's picking the winner of the first two races), so I quickly look up a horse in the second race and pick a horse that's not the favorite but looks to have a pretty good shot. I do a $2 bet with the #9 and #12 (as a complete afterthought) from race one over the #5 from race two (2 horses in race one means the ticket cost me $4). Then during the race one post parade I begin getting second thoughts about the #5 horse in race two and the #9 looks like crap on his way to the gate, but it's too late to change. So, I'm stuck with a ticket that I don't think has a chance in Hell of winning.

How does it play out? In race one, the #12 gets the lead (as I expected), but I doubt he can hang on. The #9 might as well have stayed in the damned barn. As they come down the stretch, the favored #11 is coming on the outside and the #3 is running a monster race and coming on the inside. I'm just hoping to collect the show bet. The jockey on the #3 screws up by whipping the horse on his left side causing his horse to go wacky (seriously, this horse looked drunk). The #3 bolts to his right plowing into the #11 who he's knocks the Hell out of twice. The #11 doesn't want to keep running, but the #3 rights himself and runs down the #12 to win. Or did he? They have these rules in horse racing. You can't plow into other horses. So, the #3 is disqualified giving the #12 the win. The #12 couldn't beat the #3 even after the #3 had two collisions. The #12 probably couldn't hold off the #11 without the collisions. Got all that? I've got a Daily Double ticket with a 15-1 shot on top of what is becoming a 10-1 shot in the second race. And I'm not that happy, because I really don't like the #5 horse in the second race. Until he wins. That $4 ticket pays out $341 dollars.

I won $341 only because my grandmother's former neighbor was riding a horse that lost to a DQed horse that took out the favorite which was then followed by a horse winning that I may not have picked if I had more time to handicap the race. And yes, if you're ever talking horse racing with me, that story will probably come up. Contrast it with my friend who had $100 on a horse in another race. He did his due diligence and knew he had the best horse which finished first. It was disqualified for squeezing in on a horse that was fading. Sometimes you just can't beat this game.