Basketball and other stuff

Due to the Elliot Spitzer stuff, I've got a backlog of stuff to get on here. Plus I have a Filipino girl coming in on Monday, so who knows how much time I'll have after that.

First, I've always liked Championship Week in college basketball, mainly for the small conferences where it's win or don't get in. So, they fight damned near to the death to win their title. Plus, you get some big conference team with no shot of making the tournament suddenly making a run for their conference's automatic bid. Sure, some conferences have a 1 versus 2 seed matchup (like boring ass Big 12 and PAC-10), but others add excitement. Then there is the SEC. Who expected Arkansas to be playing Georgia in the SEC finals? Georgia wins four SEC games all year, and now they've won three in the SEC tournament. Two of which they won on the same day due to some weather thing going on in Atlanta. Which brings me to the main point. I blame the whole SEC tournament fiasco on Atlanta. If Atlanta wants to host a major tournament, figure out how to keep the tornadoes out of downtown. Maybe they should have asked Obama, because I'm sure he can control weather.

Oh, and before anyone asks, I don't think UK got jobbed at the end of the Georgia game. And it has nothing to do with whether or not I like UK. It's the fact that I hate that bush league play that Gillispie tried to run at the end where your inbounder runs the baseline to get the opposing player to follow so another guy can jump in front of him for a cheap charging foul. It's the basketball equivalent of sticking your arm over the plate in baseball to get hit by a pitch. Hell, Gillispie didn't even give himself a plausible argument that the second player was setting a screen to free up the inbounder, because there is no way that one of his best shooters, Ramel Bradley, would be the one to do it. Whenever I see that play run, I think the coach is unimaginative and unable to come up with a real play to run. Considering the next play was a pass thrown out of bound, I'm not surprised Gillispie tried the BS charge first. And before UK fans start screaming they got cheated, I'd like an explanation why someone was passing out tickets to random UK fans even though the venue was restricted to family and people affiliated with the school and each team got the same allotment, but UK fans seemed to have about 3 times as many fans (and well above the allotment).

Ironically, UK would have been better off if the SEC had canceled the rest of the tournament on Friday night and declared Tennessee the automatic bid for winning the regular season. I thought a couple of weeks ago that UK needed to take two of their last three (did it) games and win at least one in the tournament to make the NCAA tournament. Then I realized just how many mediocre teams are out there and figured they were probably in before the SEC tourney started. However, the local media and SEC commentators may think UK is a lock, but nationally the feeling is mixed. In fact, in most years, I would say UK doesn't deserve to get in. They did have a good SEC record, but that's as much a product of a down SEC as anything. Otherwise, UK had a horrible out-of-conference. Seven losses including some really bad ones. Their best OOC win was Tennessee State (a 6 seed in the OVC). Their best road win was either LSU or Alabama.

So, if the tournament was canceled, UK probably would have gotten in for sure on the basis that it wasn't their fault they didn't have a chance to beat Georgia. Then they lose to Georgia who make it worse by winning again. If Georgia can overcome the storm, the move to another arena and the stench Bobby Cremins Court gives off to win 3 games (2 in OT) in about 48 hours, how can UK say they were too inconvenienced (although I'm sure the claim is being made on CatsPause.com)? Plus, what if Georgia wins the SEC tournament? Arkansas was probably in even before they knocked off Tennessee. Tennessee, Vandy and Miss St (only because they won the SEC West) were also locks. As I said, the SEC was down. Could Georgia take UK's at large bid? My guess is no, but if I was a UK fan, I would be rooting for Arkansas to beat Georgia and probably Wisconsin to take out Illinois. Plus, I would be living in a trailer with goats running in the yard.

On to other stories. I think it's pretty obvious that I have no problem with commenting on a woman's breasts, no matter how crude that may seem. However, if I was a teacher in a middle school, I think I could refrain from telling a 13 year old girl that she had "nice perky tits." She's 13. How perky could they be...........I mean, that's entirely inappropriate behavior.

In this story, a couple left their child in the truck for a couple of hours while they were drinking in a bar. I'm not going to excuse their behavior. They certainly could have brought some chicken strips out for her. What gets me is that the story insists that she "was locked in the truck." Granted, her parents seem to be low IQ, so the girl may not be very smart, but she's 8 years old. I think she could unlock a truck from the inside.

Lisa Marie Presley is suing some British newspaper for calling her fat when in fact she is pregnant. Which makes her fat. Not sure where this case is going. As a fat person, I'm not sure you can sue for being called fat when you are actually fat. Plus, most suits like this are because your reputation has been defamed. Considering her marriage to Michael Jackson, that horse is already out of the barn.

It's always sad when a family-owned business has to close its doors because it can no longer compete. Of course, if this whorehouse had been in New York instead of Germany, Elliot Spitzer may have kept it open by himself.

In Spitzer's defense, at least his sex scandal hasn't involved someone dead. I don't know about you, but I've always expected better government out of Detroit than what they are getting.

This story was apparently about abortion rights in England, but I couldn't get past the beginning where a deaf couple is bound and determined to have deaf children because they "are proud, not of the medical aspect of deafness, but of the language we use and the community we live in." These people aren't just deaf. They're retarded. What kind of sick bastards would intentionally want children who are deaf? Let's get past the PC crap. Being deaf is not differently-abled. It's disabled. It's a handicap. You can't hear. Do you know anyone who can hear that thinks losing that ability would be just fine? Does anyone go to their doctor asking them to make them deaf so they will have a different ability? Someone needs to let these morons in on a little secret. Even if their child can hear, it can still use sign language with its parents. Good God. How can someone become so identified with their handicap that they would wish it upon their kids? Are amputees going to start hacking off their children's limbs? Here's an idea. Let's remove the eyes of these dumbdicks so that they can be differently-abled with blindness. Friggin' morons.

The question posed in the deaf retard article was whether the state should try to stop them from having deaf children. I think their level of stupidity means they should be stopped from having any kids. However, in Germany, some guy keeps going to jail because he won't stop nailing his sister. I won't dwell too much on the fact that he keeps going to jail, but she doesn't. The question here is whether we are open minded enough to allow someone to bump nasties with their sister. I say sure if their sister is hot. Granted, I don't have a sister, so the mere thought of sibling sex leads to indifference rather than repugnance (plus I'm a degenerate). Actually, the point of anti-incest laws isn't based on squeamishness over family sex. It's because it can lead to birth defects in any children they have. Not sure if it's valid in this case. Two of the kids had developmental disability, but so did their mother. Yet, if laws are passed to stop two siblings from getting freaky out of the fear of messed up kids, why not stop idiots from intentionally having deaf children?

Normally, I fear chicks with guns. I figure at some point I may give them a reason to use the guns on me. However, when it comes to hot chicks in bikinis with automatic weapons, I'm willing to give it a shot. Not because I'm some kind of pervert, but because......okay, I'm some kind of pervert.

I didn't say it.

I don't watch reality shows. Most seem to be quite stupid, and I'm not sure how some of these people get their own reality show. I do know they exist because I watch The Soup which makes fun of them. Now, I was vaguely aware that OJ Simpson's dead lawyer Robert Kardashian had a daughter with a large ass. I was also aware a sex tape with her and some rapper had gotten out. I've seen it and as far as celebrity sex tapes go, it was one of the worst. I don't know if that big ass was weighing her down, but a little movement would have been nice. But I digress. I was vaguely aware that some channel decided that a reality show revolving around the daughter and her family would be a good idea. However, it wasn't until I saw a clip of the show on The Soup did I realize that Bruce Jenner is on Keeping Up With The Kardashians (through marriage to someone). WTF? Bruce, you were an American hero after winning gold in the 1976 Olympic Decathlon. Now you're doing a reality show based around your step-daughter who became famous for her big ass and sex tape?

An Update And More

Well, I didn't have to wait for a Playboy spread or trial to find out what Elliot Spitzer's call girl looked like. Although I would still like to have a trial so we can get her testimony about what kind of kink Spitzer was into. In the interest of justice, I think we have the right to know. As for knowing what she looked like, that's been taken care of (the real value of MySpace) once her identity became known. Looking at the pics from her MySpace page, she's certainly an attractive girl. Nice rack. I could see paying her for sex. I just can't see paying as much as Spitzer did for it.

Wait a second. It just hit me. His last name is Spitzer. Wonder if he has any relatives in the south.

Anyway, I thought it was funny that the Unhappy Hooker was worried people would think she was a "monster". Not exactly the term I was thinking. I shouldn't be too hard on her. At least she wasn't supporting a drug habit. She was supporting a singing habit. Which is apparently taking off. Which is rather sad when you think about it. I've used phrases along the line of "girl who brought down the governor", but that really isn't true. Elliot's little head is what brought him down. It wasn't like he specifically asked for her. He couldn't even remember what she looked like. She just happened to be next in the queue when Spitzer needed a little love down in DC. Apparently, she's going to make some cash out of it though. Good luck to parents of teenage daughters now that prostitution is a legitimate career move.

Anyway, on to other things. I think we should push for the Ukraine to join NATO if for no other reason than to piss off Putin. But even without it, I really think we should establish closer ties to certain parts of their military.

Okay. The British have now won an award for being embarrassingly stupid. They are testing padded lampposts on certain streets. Why? Too many Brits have been walking into them while text messaging on their phone. I think we should make the lampposts harder. People who can't force themselves to walk down the street without sending a text message shouldn't be reproducing.

What's the old saying? The family that enslaves together stays together? A class-act mother-son combo in Houston apparently bought a Mexican teenager, locked her in a room and whored her out at their little club. I bet she wasn't making $2600 a trick.

I thought this was a pretty funny story. Some actress I've never really heard of never who just won an Oscar for a movie I've never heard of has made news because she's a "Truther" who thinks the United States destroyed the World Trade Center themselves. Although I've got to give her credit for originality. She thinks it was done because it would cost too much money to upgrade the interior so we destroyed it in a fake terror attack. And maybe we're hiding the files on the fake moon landing there too. Some were concerned she might have hurt her standing in Hollywood. Right. Accusing George Bush of mass murder would never fly in the film industry. She's joining other entertainment luminaries who aren't fooled by the official story. Like noted intellectual Charlie Sheen who certainly hasn't clouded his judgment with massive amounts of drugs and possibly syphilis. Or structural engineer Willie Nelson who probably doesn't have syphilis. Or material scientist Rosie O'Donnell who offered such damning evidence of a conspiracy as "I do believe that it's the first time fire has melted steel." Until then, I thought steel I-beams were formed at a foundry. I guess they are grown in fields. Sure, Bush may have fooled Bill Clinton, but he won't fool these geniuses. Sure, people with actual intelligence have claimed to have debunked those theories, but that's right wing publications like Popular Mechanics and neocon organizations like Purdue University.

When I first read the story about a woman spending two years in the bathroom, I assumed she was just getting ready to go out. Or eaten at Taco Tico. But then I find out she just didn't want to leave. What kind of toilet seat did they have if it was comfortable enough to sleep on? Great quote from the sheriff. "This truly is a case of two people, in my opinion, with diminished mental capacity." You think?

Ah, Europe. An Italian court has ruled that it's legal for a woman to lie to police about adultery because she needs to protect her honor. How much honor does a lying slut really have?

It was nice of Louisville to have that little 15-2 streak late in the season. It made me realize they have the talent to contend for the Final Four. Too bad their three point shooting (8 for 37) in their past two games (both losses) have shown me they could also lose in the first round.

The Democratic Party is struggling with what to do about the Florida and Michigan delegates that they banned for moving their primaries up too early. Gee, I wonder why no one thought this problem would occur? I thought it stupid in August to discount that many votes out of deference to Iowa. I think it's stupid now. But there are other reasons. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the Florida parties that moved the date. It was the state, and I think in that case the state should be superseding the party. After all, with a primary, the state is footing the bill. Why shouldn't they be able to pick the date? Of course, there is something I like about this whole situation. Florida has a Republican governor and legislature. So, the Democratic Party is punishing Democratic voters in Florida for the actions of Republicans.

I guess when people picked Mary Ann in the old "Ginger or Mary Ann" debate, they knew she was really the party girl. She's 69 years old and gets busted for driving while high. It never fails to amaze me. Couldn't she wait until she got home to light up? Actually, her attorney says she wasn't high. In fact, he says "a friend" had left the pot in her car after using it that day. Granted, that probably wouldn't explain why there were four half smoked joints and the smell of marijuana in the car that much later in the day. Or maybe it would. I don't know how much pot one person might smoke while running an errand or how long the stench would last. Of course, that still doesn't explain why she failed a field sobriety test. Or why her original excuse was that she was giving a ride to three hitchhikers who started smoking "something" before she threw them out. But apparently kept their weed as punishment. I think she should have stuck with this story. It worked for me when the cops found that dead stripper in the back of my car and I told them some hitchhikers must have left her there.

In a hooker story unrelated to the politics of New York, a woman was arrested for fondling an undercover officer. To be honest, this is just a run of the mill prostitution story (who among us hasn't been in legal trouble for inappropriate fondling?), but there was a twist. She had her kids in the next room. I guess it was Bring Your Kid To Work Day.

There's a gnome roaming loose in Argentina. And those pussies are scared. It's a friggin gnome. Why didn't they try to catch it? As far as I know, there are no living gnomes in captivity. Well, other than Bridget The Midget.

Story Of The Week

And probably the month. Unless a 16 seed beats a 1 seed in the NCAA tournament. That would be a bigger story than the (as yet potential) resignation of the governor of New York for visiting hookers. A 16 seed has never beaten a 1, but governors have resigned in disgrace before. What I find a bit unfortunate is that the original headlines said Elliot Spitzer was "involved" with a prostitution ring. That almost made it sound like he was a pimp. That would have been funny. What's sad is that I know the reason Elliot Spitzer is waiting to announce his resignation (trying to cut a deal with the feds on the assumption they'll lessen the charges if he quits), but it would not surpise me in the least if he decided that he wants to wait it out and doesn't resign.

Mainly because Spitzer is an arrogant horse's ass. It's laughable to me that so many people viewed him as some crusader against corruption. Sure, he "fought" corruption as Attorney General, but only if he could get headlines out of it. The AG's office was strictly there for the glory of Elliot Spitzer. For all the talk of Spitzer going after "Wall Street corruption", it was usually civil cases which are quite easy to win because major corporations will settle rather than fool with him. What happened when he tried to go the criminal route (which is actually the route an AG should be taking)? He lost big time. Of course, he already had his headlines which is what he wanted. Really, why was a state attorney general trying to prosecute what is essentially a federal crime regulated by the SEC?

Of course, why is a state attorney general investigating the compensation package of a corporation? He makes the news. Of course, some might think the way he goes about it is quite unethical. It was his typical modus operandi. Find a target. Make accusations to smear that person. Don't actually prosecute because you don't really have much of a case. Use this type of behavior to prove what a "crusader against corruption" that you are. Oh, if someone thinks you're overreaching and says so, call them up and threaten them. This guy wasn't just out to make a case. He wanted to destroy his target. Apparently abusing your office (and wasting taxpayer money to build your profile) is good enough to get you elected governor in New York.

Which is why he probably thought he could get away with this. The first thing "Mr Clean" did when he became governor was try to use the state police to dig up dirt on a political rival in the Senate. The fact that he'd never been called to account for his own corrupt behavior certainly added to his arrogant belief that he could get away with anything. After all, he got caught because of suspicious banking activity on his part, not because the feds were staking out some whores. As a former AG and District Attorney, you might think he would know that cases come out of that type of behavior. Still, he not only was soliciting prostitutes. He was taking them across state lines, so he was knowingly breaking state and federal laws.

Some have already said he shouldn't resign "because it's just sex". Those people are morons. I don't even think prostitution should be illegal. If women want to make their body a commodity, have at it. I still think Spitzer should not only resign, but made to do a perp walk. It's not just the level of hypocrisy which is incredibly bad. Spitzer wasn't just a regular politician. His job was to go after law breakers. Not use their services. Spitzer didn't just go after corporate might-be criminals. He busted some prostitution rings. Yet, it's being reported that he's been paying for sex for several years. That means he was de facto protecting some at the expense of others. After all, how could he claim that he didn't know about the prostitution going on at the whorehouse he was visiting. I'm sure he was Shocked, Shocked that prostitution was taking place at the businesses providing his hookers. It could easily be worse. What's the chance that he spiked an investigation into one of the whore services he frequented? Would he take the chance of some hooker mentioning to the arresting officer that she's had paid sex with the AG?

But let's look beyond such silliness as public corruption. I wish I had the kind of money where I would transport a whore with me on a business trip. Give me $4300 to spend any way I want, and one of my last options would be to spend all of it on a couple of hours with a call girl. I don't care how good looking she is. Granted, unless the pixelated face is hiding something fugly, the pic of one of his past purchases shows Spitzer does have taste in contracted booty. Of course, as Elliot is finding out, getting caught makes it even more expensive. I hope this case goes to trial and Court TV is there. I really would like to know what the hooker who brought down the governor of our second largest case looks like (although if her real name ever comes out, Playboy could be in her future). Plus, one of the things caught on the wiretap was he wanted something that other of the "girls" didn't think was safe. If it went to trial, we could find out what it was. Heidi Fleiss thinks it's bareback anal sex.

And why do the wives always stand up with their philandering husbands? Typical of a sex scandal, there's Elliot's wife on stage with him so her humiliation can be seen by all. Of course, it's now come out that she's the one pushing him not to resign, so you have to wonder if this was one of those political marriages where the wife doesn't care if the husband plays around on the side as long as he doesn't get caught and screw things up for both of them. I fully expect to see her running for Senate in the future. Or she could have been tired of him asking to put his shwang in her backdoor and told him to find some place else to stick it. So he did.

News Of The Week

Got to love the Central Kentucky weather reporting. They damned near went into hysterics reporting that snow was coming to Lexington. There were people at work on Friday calling around to see how much snow was falling, and then leaving at lunch even though not much was falling locally, and in fact, the weather reports were predicting the bulk of the snow wouldn't come until late afternoon and go throughout the night. Not that I would pay that much attention until the snow really starts falling. I'd be a rich man if I had a buck for every time the snow belt landed just north of us (take that Ohio). This week the expectation was originally that Lexington would get a snow/ice mix. Then it turned to possibly 10" as Lexington gets hit with the worst snowstorm in 10 years. Then by Saturday morning, it's been downgraded to 3-5", pretty much what was on the ground and about where we finished. So, how did it compare to 1998? Well, here was Lexington just before noon today:
Not bad. I'm sure it was fun for the kiddies. I was out driving in it pretty easily. Or would have been if Mexicans were a little more used to driving in snow. Sideways is not the optimal way to drive down a hill. Then there was 1998:
Somewhere in this picture is my old pickup truck. Needless to say, I wasn't doing much driving for a couple of days. That year was the opposite of this year. We were only supposed to get a light dusting to maybe an inch or two. The weather people were off by almost a foot and a half.

Here's a video on how to turn a bottle of Coke (obviously not Pepsi which is so much less functional) into a crib sheet to cheat on a test. Now, I wasn't that interested in it until I saw the brand of printer they were using. Suddenly, my job seems to have a purpose.

Travesty of the week - Madonna is being inducted by Justin Timberlake into the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame. I guess Wham gets the call next year. Call me crazy, but I always assumed the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame would have rock and roll acts affiliated with it, not silly pop acts. I wonder what rock anthem by Madonna put her over the top? Who's That Girl? Vogue? I would ridicule Timberlake's discography, but I've made it my life's goal to not know what he sings. Even better, Iggy Pop will be doing a tribute. Pardon me while my head explodes. I've never been a big Iggy Pop fan, but recognized his influence on later punk and metal acts. However, unless he's using the act as a cover so he can burn the place down, he's lost any credibility with me for doing that show.

And Michelle Obama strikes again. As part of her stump speech, she apparently seems to think this country and its people in general suck. The country is "just downright mean." Nobody can get an education anymore. People are dying in the street because of the health care system. It's so bleak that only electing a half term Senator who has accomplished nothing politically is the only way to turn this horrible place called America into the Obamatopia that she knows it can be. Maybe that's not exactly what she said, but not far off. As I've said before, it's not that surprising to me to find what these left wingers think, but I've really got to question the strategy. There's this thing that happens after the party conventions called a "general election". That's where Obama has to get votes from non-liberal nutsacks. Apparently, Ms. Obama is unaware that a lot of people think this is a great country to live in. In fact, you might notice that a lot more people want to come to this country than are leaving. Hell, all the hack celebrities that declared they would leave America if Bush was elected are still here (For the record, I don't consider Pierre Salinger a celebrity).

But let's look at her specific arguments. I thought it was funny on a news show when some newsjerk made the comment that it seemed wrong to have white men criticize a black woman who says America sucks. Well, it's not. I don't give a crap who says anything like that, they deserve criticism. Anyone who makes the money she does and lives in a $1.6 million mansion is a either delusional or a hypocrite when she talks about people not being able to make it in this county. However, she makes it worse with her specifics. To begin with, she says education has gotten worse. It actually might have, but considering she's probably in the "more money for schools" lobby, I don't take her complaints seriously. After all, we spend increasing amounts of money every year for public schools to get those decreasing results. Still, that's not the worst part. Michelle Obama went to magnet schools before leaving for the Ivy League. I guess she figures she's so extra special that she can accomplish that, but "the commoners" can't. She also criticizes the American health care system. Someone want to remind me what field she works in? Oh right. PR for a hospital. Maybe health care wouldn't be so expensive if hospitals weren't paying 300 grand to people who don't provide health care services.

I'll save my respect for someone like Frank Buckles, the last doughboy still living. At 107. He also was a civilian POW of the Japanese during WWII. Even after surviving two world wars, he still seems to have a great appreciation for and pride in this country. This article was hard for me to write about. It's not often I find a West Virginian that I will not make fun of.

I've come to the conclusion that no intelligence at all is needed to be in the book publishing industry. The latest author to write a fictional biography was a young lady who wrote how she was raised as a gang-banging drug mule foster child. Look at her picture. Who could have possibly met this girl, read her book about her gang life and never had a single suspicion that it could be made up? I'm not saying it couldn't be true (wasn't The Jerk based on a true story), but when a lily-white girl shows up with stories about running drugs for the Bloods, don't you think a background check might be a good idea before you print up a bunch of copies? On the plus side, I may finally be able to get my biography published so the story of how I escaped from a Sri Lankan POW camp in 1976 can finally be told.

It's a little late in the news, but here's this week's story focused on boobs. A Japanese model had her conviction for allegedly breaking into some dudes house by busting a hole in a door overturned. Her argument was her boobs were too big for her to have fit through the hole. After some measuring (I really hope the judge did the measuring himself), the judge decided they were too big. Now, the photo in the story was obviously a stock picture, so in order to understand the story better and as a service to my loyal readers, I have found a picture of her. Yeah, she'd need a pretty good size hole to get through.

Good ole MSN.com. Always comes up with the lists some chick magazine comes up with to improve men. This time is the "Things A Man Should Never Do In The Company of a Woman". Some are obvious. A man shouldn't refer to his mom as his best friend in front of his guy buddies either (although he probably doesn't have many guy friends if his mom is his best friend). As for others, not so much. What's wrong with cleaning a gun? Women always complain men don't clean. Well, here he is cleaning. Women constantly refer to other women as "bitch, slut, tramp or whore". If they can say it, so can I. As for tugging on it. It's mine. I'll tug on it if I want. "Forget to carry cash". The obligatory "men are cash machine" reminder. And my favorite - don't "tip less than 20 percent". Sure, since they already expect the man to pay for everything, why not decide how much to tip too? I'm a good tipper, but I'll stick it to a bad server. I find the whole point rather ironic since the belief is rather strong in food service that women are much worse tippers than men.

Sad to see Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. Hopefully his doctor is right and he won't be dead within five weeks like the National Enquirer wrote. I always liked Swayze. Ironically for movies other than the ones always cited in the stories about him, Dirty Dancing and Ghost. I prefer to remember The Outsiders, Uncommon Valor, Red Dawn, Road House among others. Interesting timing that this came out since Jeff Healey, who was also in Road House, recently passed away at 41. If Swayze does die, paranoids would probably blame a Road House curse. Which wouldn't work. Ben Gazzara is older than dirt, but still alive. Sam Elliott has looked older than dirt for years and he's alive. The only thing dead about Kelly Lynch is her career after being in Mr. Magoo.

Interesting case from Australia. A 16 year old girl was murdered by two roommates for being annoying. Then dumped her in a wheelbarrow in the backyard (criminal geniuses at work there). I think what gets me is that the two killers got 24 years for it. Let's see. Brutally beat and strangle a teenager to death. Make out over her dead body. Joke around during the trial. Yeah, 24 years is way too long for two such creatures to have to endure prison. At least it gave the headline writer a chance to come with "Sadistic Killer Lesbians Share Blood Lust" which sounds like a plot for a low grade horror movie. Of course, I thought all lesbians were sadistic killers. Or maybe that was all women. Or maybe just women I went out with. For some reason, a lot of them wished I was dead.

More News Of The Week

I'll start with the obligatory story about boobs. Fake boobs to be exact. I thought I did a piece about the website myfreeimplants.com, but I can't find where. Anyway, women with small-to-not-as-big-as-they-could-be breasts sign up. Men who have more money than sense, good taste or any sort of normal life (I signed up today) can join and use credits they buy to send notes to any of the girls they may have a hankering for. I guess I could question the ethics of this, but I don't really care. If girls want to engage in electronic phone sex to raise money to raise bra sizes, it's their dignity. I wonder what the over/under is how soon a lawsuit is issued because one of the "benefactors" tracks down the girl he paid for. Anyway, I only have two questions. First, calling the men "benefactors" makes it seem like a charitable donation, so is it tax deductible? Second, later in the article, a plastic surgeon mentioned a finance service where women can get loans to pay for breast augmentation. What do they use as collateral? Their expected earnings at the local strip club?

Here's a pathetic story. Some British soldiers were on a training mission to Norway where they got naked and made asses of themselves in a local bar. Now, the soldiers aren't the pathetic ones. Granted, urinating on another man is rather extreme behavior (at least outside of German adult cinema), but the pathetic ones were the Norwegian locals. Come on, people. You ancestors raped and pillaged all over Europe. Now, you're peeved that some British soldiers got a little wild? Pussies.

The Barak Obama campaign is looking like loads of fun. Not Barak, but his wife Michelle. She's a bad quote waiting to happen. Her first was that this election was the first time she had ever been proud of America. Barak says she misspoke, but she said it in two different speeches. The lack of pride in a country where she and her husband both received Ivy League education and had big paying jobs actually didn't bother me because I've become used to hard Left ideologue who are constantly ashamed of the country. So, that's par for the course. What gets me is the narcissism inherent in the statement. It's like the Obamas (and their rather creepy cult) honestly believe that the simple fact that he could be the presidential nominee is an earth shattering event that will change the world immensely. Elect Obaman and poverty will end on January 21. Terrorists will lay down their arms. Countries will disband their armies and live in peace. Global warming will end (actually that seems to be happening already; I guess his mere presence on the campaign trail is doing that). Arabs will love Jews. Dogs will lay with cats. I'll hit a four figure trifecta at Keeneland. We will all be living in a Utopia. I wonder what will happen on day two of the Obama administration.

I may be exaggerating, but I'm not sure that I am. This guy's campaign stops are like Benny Hinn revivals. For what? The guy preaches "HOPE" and "CHANGE". So what? All politicians preach the mindless platitudes of hope and change especially when they are running for a seat the other party holds. Granted, hope is an important requirement for Obama supporters since you're essentially backing someone with an undistinguished 8 year career as a state legislator followed by a undistinguished 3 year career in the US Senate. So, hope is paramount. And yes, Obama would be a change from George W. Bush. Of course, John McCain would be a change from Bush. But what change is Obama supposed to be bringing? He doesn't really have much of a record, but what he does have is pretty standard liberal Democratic theology. So, basically, there is no change from Al Gore to John Kerry to Barak Obama. I see no real difference between the policy beliefs of Obama and those of Hillary Clinton and John Edwards. So, why are women fainting at his shows.....er campaign stops? Because he gives a good speech (that he may or may not have written)? And he's black? This guy is supposed to be the big "UNITER" for the country. Yet, he's been labeled the "most pro-abortion presidential candidate ever." Whether you agree with his position or not, how likely is Obama going to unite with the sizable anti-abortion groups out there? In fact, the National Journal did an analysis of Senate voting records and found his to be the most liberal. So, why should I assume he can "unite" with anyone? That record tells me two things. He never crossed the aisle to work with Republicans. And he didn't really try. Unite my ass. At this point, he hasn't even united his own party.

Actually, the quote about pride in America by Michelle Obama didn't bother me as much as the speech where she said told the audience not get jobs in corporate America, but instead to take jobs in community service. Like she did. Oh, wait. She earns over $300K as a PR flack at a hospital. But she is right about "salaries respond". As soon as her husband was elected to the Senate, her salary went up a couple of hundred grand. So, take that low paying community service job and cross your fingers that your spouse will get elected to office and you'll get a raise commensurate with their level of influence. What a friggin' hypcrite.

Apparently, Eric Clapton has agreed to do a show in North Korea for raving psychotic and Daffy Duck fan Kim Jong-Il. It's always nice to see very wealthy rock stars suck up to a dictator whose people eat grass (among other things) to keep from starving. What a great idea. While the North Korean peons are grazing in the fields (or orphanages), let's put on a rock show for the Communist oligarchs. At least Clapton has yet given a verbal handjob to Kim Jong-Il like the retarded head of the NY Philharmonic who actually said "Music is a powerful language in which those of us who are humane and intelligent can speak to each other in defiance of political and cultural boundaries." I can't say much for that guy's intelligence (well, I can say plenty about his lack thereof), but at least Kim likes Daffy Duck. As for Kim being "humane", I guess executing fishermen who strayed over the border is "humane" if you do it quickly. To think, some people aren't concerned with North Korea having nukes. Well, I'm sure they'll stop their nuclear program after Barak Obama eats popcorn and watches Shrek with Kim. Heck, maybe if he watches the sequel with Kim, Obama can get them to stop killing fishermen.

Based on North Korea's system of punishment, I guess this Iranian should be happy he got off with four months in the slammer and some lashes. His crime was pretty extreme. After all, walking your dog in public is something civilized countries don't condone. If by "civilized" you mean theocratic countries run by nutsacks. And to think, some people aren't concerned about Iran having nukes. I'm sure they'll stop their nuclear program after Obama sprinkles the country with his magical pixie dust.

Obligatory female-teacher-in-tryst-with-student story. This one is pretty tame. A 27 year old teacher left the school she was teaching at because she got caught sending topless pics of herself to a 15 year old student. What I found funny about it was a note at the end saying a Facebook page had been set up wishing she was back. Well, duh. A lot of male students want teachers who are willing to send out pictures of their tatas.

With the NFL draft coming up, a writer for Yahoo decided to point out the absurdity of how much the number one picks makes over the number 10 pick when there is hardly a difference in talent level. I wonder if anyone else has ever griped about that. Like, say, right before last year's draft. Or the year before.

Movie Trivia - What movie from the 80s took a lot of the dialog verbatim from the 50s disaster flick Zero Hour?

I've long maintained that teenagers are inherently stupid. Unfortunately, we seem to raising batches of them that are inherently no damn good. The latest is finding out that a 16 year old girl plotted with her loser boyfriend and another couple to murder her whole family. The reason? Her parents were trying to keep them apart. So, the two guys went into her house and murdered her mother and two brothers (aged 8 and 13). They also shot her father several times, but he survived. Gee, I can't imagine why her parents thought it was a bad idea for her to be dating a psychopath. I am glad it happened in Texas, because those scumbags killed an 8 year old with a sword. They need to fry. Actually, after finding out the daughter was waiting in the car to pick them up and had sex with her boyfriend after he just killed most of her family, I'm sorry minors can't be executed anymore. This planet has no need for a sick bitch like that.

Cook County Illinois (home of Chicago) has now increased local sales taxes to the point that they now have one of the highest in the country at 10.75 percent. And they wanted more. What I like is the line that says Chicago should expect an extra $400 million every year. Wanna bet? There is an economic fallacy at work here. The assumption being that if you raise taxes on something, it will still be purchased in the same quantity. However, when you raise the price of something, people have a tendency to buy less or go elsewhere. That's why states are finding they aren't making as much money off their cigarette tax increases. Raise the price, more dirtbag smokers quit. Fewer cigarettes get sold. Yet, every time states increase their "sin" taxes, they budget the tax revenue as if cigarette sales won't decrease. Same situation here. Sure, most people aren't going to leave Cook County to shop to save a percent or two, but I bet people who live near the country line will. I bet a lot of people planning to buy a big ticket item will definitely consider it. It always amazes me that so many people expect the government to have a handle on the economy. Yet, they routinely vote in people who have no background in economics and generally seem clueless about simple economic principles.

Too bad. Brett Favre is retiring. For now. A lot of people think he might change his mind which wouldn't surprise me. He said he's mentally tired. Well, after the pounding NFL players take throughout the season, I'm sure most of them are tired after a season. It's certainly not outside the realm of possibility for Favre to feel better this summer and decide he wants to play again. Or he could decide a trip to the NFC Championship game is a good way to end a great career. Either way, he's been one of the most fun quarterbacks to watch.

I'm sure a lot of people who saw this article about a big dog adopting a baby goat thought how cute it was. However, I see through that dog's act. He knows that goat is going get bigger. That's when he's going to eat it.

Speaking of animals eating other animals, this was one of the wildest videos I've ever seen. A rabbit picks a fight with a rattlesnake. Then he chases it into a tree.

News Of The Week

Some dude gets charged with murder in his wife's death. How was the investigation described by the paper? "Almost from the beginning, investigators called her death suspicious." Really? She was shot in the head, and "almost from the beginning", the cops thought it might be suspicious. That's some good investigative work there. I just want to know what the cops thought before they decided it was suspicious. "We thought it was a heart attack until we noticed she had a bullet hole in her head. Then we became a little suspicious."

I always get a laugh at the morons who "fall" for prisoners. How many stupid women are going to marry death row inmates in this country? Of course, at least they hook with up with some guy who will likely never get out (and most death rows don't allow conjugal visits). But in England, this dingy broad brought home a guy she met on a prison visit. Then he stuck a knife to her throat. Gee, you take home a Satanic convicted rapist. What could go wrong?

As a Republican who isn't a big fan of John McCain because I felt he spent the last eight years opposing the rest of his political career in an effort to curry favor with major newpaper editorial pages, it is quite amusing to watch his media buddies at the New York Times turn on him so quickly now that he's the de facto nominee. The first story was a doozie. It was 10 years old. The only insinuation of an affair is that a couple of anonymous sources thought McCain was too close with a lobbyist. So, go ahead and run with that part prominently displayed. And even better, they were working on this story at the same time they were endorsing him. It's pretty bad when The New Republic and US News & World Report both consider it shoddy journalism. It's really bad when the Times' own ombudsman (who has a reputation for rubber stamping anything the Times does) tears the story apart.

Actually, while the McCain-might-boning-a-lobbyist article was retarded, it has nothing on the latest McCain hit piece. They're actually arguing that it's possible that McCain might not be eligible to take office because the Constitution says on "natural born" citizens can be President (ironic to see the Times suggesting an original intent Constitutional argument) and he was born in Panama while his naval father was stationed there. I don't care what "experts" they throw up there. The whole argument that someone born to military personnel stationed overseas is ineligible to be President is ludicrous. What kind of douchebag would actually take McCain to court and say a decorated war hero can't be President because his father served his country for 40 years?

Ironically, many think it will help McCain with conservatives as any enemy of the the NY Times is the enemy of conservatives (although allegations of adultery, influence peddling and being a foreigner might hurt with other groups). Speaking of conservatives, I was sad to see William F. Buckley Jr passed away. I wonder if Phil dislikes him more for mainstreaming conservative political thought or what he said about the Beatles. Actually, I subscribe to National Review and I wasn't aware of the quote until I saw it in an obit, so Phil probably just hates him for conservative political thought.

And for Phil - Movie Trivia - What actor/actress did Alfred Hitchcock believe looked too old in one of his movie to the point that Hitchcock blamed that person for the commercial failure of the film and never collaborated with him/her again?

What's the world coming to when a man can't get trashed while staying at a casino resort (on his company's dime) and call the front desk for a hooker without getting fired? The guy was in Iowa. What else is there to do in Iowa? Besides, what kind of resort doesn't have access to hookers? Then they were surprised when the hotel staff went to request he stop calling for hookers, he showed up nekkid. Well, he was waiting on a hooker.

Actually, hotel rooms can get people in trouble. A teacher's aide in Pittsburgh was fired from her job after being caught in a hotel room with a bunch of teenagers, some pot, possibly some crack, some beer and used condoms. Her excuse that they just showed up, but she didn't let them drink sounds a little hollow. Her protestations that she didn't have sex with them, but they might have "discreetly" bumped nasties with each other is a little far fetched too. How do you have "discreet" sex in a Clarion Hotel room with a bunch of other people there? Also, most teenagers are about as discreet as monkeys flinging feces. It gets better. Even before this incident, there were rumors at the school she was carrying on with her son's friends. She acknowledges this little episode "will only fuel those rumors." You think? You have a 15 year old son already being teased about your whore-like behavior and you're going to put yourself in this situation? Here's a thought. Grow the Hell up.

Amazing how indifferent some people can be about their kids. I also get so sick of people treating their kids like a prop. A woman in Florida threw a 3 grand birthday party for her one year old. She said "she wanted to make it memorable for her first child" and "I want him to know how important and special I think he is". I call BS on that one. Who remembers anything from their first birthday? This day was all about Mom. She wants people to realize how "special" she is. I think she's a needy bitch.

Speaking of someone a little too needy of attention. Congress has sent a note to the Justice Dept to investigate whether Roger Clemens lied in his sworn testimony. Yes, I will be beating this story to death. As I stated last week, I don't think the DOJ will go anywhere with it. However, I've got to love how stupid his attorney is when he says things like "Now we are done with the circus of public opinion, and we are moving into the courtroom. Thankfully, we are now about to enter an arena where there are rules and people can be held properly accountable for outrageous statements." Yeah, that was a great goal this legal team had. Getting indicted for perjury. Especially since he's the only player being investigated for what was in the Mitchell report. Good job. I bet ole Roger wishes he'd just kept his mouth shut.

Also on the needy front, a survey found that Mac users were self-centered snobs compared to PC users. Never saw those results coming.

In other crime news, we had one guy who drove to the police station to demand his drug money back. In a stolen car. And another guy has to have his DUI hearing put off. Because he showed up drunk. I guess some people don't think ahead when they visit the authorities.

More movie trivia - who played Handsome Stranger and Charming Jones in a '70s western?

A casting company in Pittsburgh put out a call for a white trash horror movie. In an incredibly intelligent move, they specifically wanted people with inbred hilljack features like you might find in West Virginia. Shockingly, the person who planned the casting call has been fired. I don't know why she felt the need to advertise for hilljacks. Most of them can't read anyway. Just go hang around the Morgantown Walmart. You'll find all the inbred mountain trash that you want.

I had seen the commercials for some new show where people are attached to a lie detector and get money based on how well they do. I didn't watch it. Watching people make asses about themselves is not my cup of tea. At least when they are on TV. However, I did read an article about a recent one. A woman went on the show with her husband in the audience, and freely admits it was for the money. She passed the lie detector test when she admitted that she had a habit of cheating on her husband, and when she also admitted she wished she had married someone else. Her Achilles heel? She flunked when she was asked if she was a good person and said "yes". Let's see. Serial adulterer. Treats her husband like crap. Brought her husband on national television to humiliate him for money. How could her subconscious mind not think she was a good person?

Steven Speilberg had a fit of conscience by pulling out as adviser to the Beijing Olympics. China's response was to call it a "betrayal of the Olympic spirit". Right. China's idea of Olympic spirit is apparently locking up dissidents, doping athletes and dumping them when they get too old.

Here's an article that pissed me off. It is basically about how Viking women would wear an outfit that would emphasize their racks. That had me interested. But look at the picture that accompanied the article. I was expecting some big knockered Swedish woman with her assets hanging out. And that's what I got?

And in a final boob story. Natalie Portman told an interviewer that she wanted to get her mitts on Scarlett Johansson's breasts. Well, who doesn't?

News Of The Week

Well, the Roger Clemens case certainly got a bit stranger after the Congressional hearing. A lot of people have pointed out that Congress holding hearings on whether or not Clemens did steroids was a huge waste of time. I disagree. When your motto is "There is no problem so bad that government action can't make it worse", you find that you like it better when Congress goofing around with stupid crap like this. After watching parts of the hearing, I really don't want these people messing with too many things that affect my life. Contrary to popular belief, the hearing didn't break down along party lines. Yes, some Republicans did makes asses of themselves in defending Clemens, most notably Dan Burton. But most Republicans don't take Burton that seriously. And the two most pandering comments to Clemens came from Democrats. Eleanor Norton of D.C. (no way any place that elected her should be given statehood) actually told him he was going to heaven. William Clay of Missouri asked him what uniform he was going into the Hall of Fame in. Showing that I've watched the movie Die Hard way too many times, my first thought was "William Clay? That's the identity Hans took to make McClain think he was an escaped hostage." Still, this hearing did bring out a few facts. Clemens' former training partner and teammate, Andy Pettite, said Clemens told him he used human growth hormones, which Clemens said Pettite "misremembered". Oh, and McNamee told the feds that he also gave HGH to Clemens' wife so she could spruce up for a bikini shoot. In order to show his own credibility (by giving an admission for someone else), Clemens tossed his wife under a bus by saying she did use it even though the committee wasn't investigating HGH use in SI's Swimsuit Issue. I think it says more about Clemens' character than his credibility. Mainly, that his character is as bad as his credibility.

Still, it does all come down to credibility. Neither Clemens nor trainer Brian McNamee had much. McNamee admitted lying in the past about his resume, and he is a drug dealer. I've said numerous times that I think the evidence supports Clemens' being juiced. It was pretty funny to me that some people found his performance believable because "he got angry". Well, so did Rafael Palmeiro who later tested positive for steroids. I have to look at what people have to gain or lose. Did Clemens have anything to lose by lying? Actually, no. Palmeiro righteously denied using steroids under oath, but he hasn't been charged with perjury. Clemens won't either (and outside of Barry Bonds and Marion Jones who were intimately involved in the BALCO case, the feds haven't generally been going after the athletes). It's his word against McNamee's. McNamee does claim to have saved syringes and bloody gauze but even if it has Clemens' DNA on it, the chain of custody consists solely of McNamee's basement so I can't see the feds wasting money on a perjury rap with that. Clemens did have a huge reason to lie. He wants in the Hall of Fame, and he knows baseball writers are the dumbest of sportswriters (if that is possible). His whole act is trying to convince them of his innocence so they'll vote him in.

Now, does McNamee have a reason to lie? Maybe, but I can't figure out what it is. He told federal investigators that he gave steroids or HGH to Clemens, his wife, Pettite and Chuck Knoblauch. McNamee was told by the fed that if he lied to them or his story changed to the baseball investigators, he would be charged with perjury, plus there would probably be no deal on steroid distribution. Am I supposed to believe he would risk real jail time just to get back at someone who he considered a friend? Truthfully, it doesn't matter how credible McNamee the person is. It's that his story is corroborated. Pettite, Knoblauch and now the wife have all said they got HGH from McNamee. So, he told the truth about all three of them, and then made it up about Clemens? His wife and one of his best friends were getting HGH from his trainer, and he didn't know anything about it? I don't think so.

Fidel Castro announced he is stepping aside (and replaced by his clone like younger brother). To be honest, his place in history has been largely inflated because he is really nothing more than your run of the mill tin pot dictator. He just had the major advantage of JFK blowing the Bay of Pigs invasion and a bunch of other Presidents deciding taking him out wasn't worth the trouble (and no, I don't belief all the assassination attempts that Castro claims). Really, his only claim to fame is that he lived a long time. All the talk of him outlasting all theses American presidents was stupid. Of course, he would outlast them. We have term limits for our presidents. Oh, and these things called elections. All his other accomplishments can be boiled down to two things. He was immensely popular with his people. At least that's what we've always been told. Never had one of those elections things (a free one anyway) so I guess we won't know. His other accomplishment was building an island paradise so wonderful that every year thousands of Cubans would rip the roof off their house to make a rickety raft trying to flee to Miami.

Of course, we have our own brand of statism in this country. It's called the farm policy. The latest load of crap is that California rice farmers are selling water. They get a subsidized water as part of the farm policy, and the price of water in California is so high, it is more profitable for them to sell that subsidized water than it is to use it to grow rice. WTF? The point of subsidizing water for farmers is so they grow stuff. How the Hell can anyone justify this behavior with a straight face? The whole farm subsidy program is pure crap anyway. Rice is one of the most subsidized. Want to know why? Rice takes a lot of water to grow. We're actually paying people to grow this stuff in areas of the country that it really shouldn't be grown in. The worst part is that the subsidy is price guaranty so even if they overproduce, the price I pay for a box of Kroger-knockoff-brand-rice-chex is probably not going down.

I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that Duke had a sex show on their campus recently. Most of the critics made the connection to the Duke-lacrosse-stripper-rape-hoax. I'm just curious whether or not college students today are perpetually in the ninth grade. What other purpose is there to bring in a traveling sex show than the shock value? It almost made it sound like a career fair. I'm sure plenty of Duke grads will look into going into the sex industry.

Now, Hong Kong is having their own little sex scandal. Apparently some dirty pictures of some hot young celebs have hit the internet for which they have apologized. I for one find it kind of refreshing when nude celeb pics hit the web without the celeb doing it for publicity.

On to other vices, a compulsive gambler in England is suing his bookie for letting him keep betting even though he asked them not to. Typical nanny-state loser. It's always someone else's fault. "If I had known I had a problem and didn't do anything about it, I would see myself as being 100 percent responsible." What? Telling them to take down your account, yet trying to place more bets is doing something? What a joke. That's not doing crap. When I decided my heroin addiction became too much of a problem, I took concrete action. I began using cocaine heavily.

A new study on internet predators has found that they aren't that big a problem. It's not a haven for pedophiles because picking up six year olds online isn't easy to do even if you make it into the Hello Kitty chatrooms. It's mostly teenagers who are already online looking for sex (okay, maybe just curious about it). Something I found very interesting. From a research standpoint, of course.

Speaking of teenagers in search of sex, Lindsay Lohan is blaming Hollywood for Heath Ledger's drug problems and Marilyn Monroe's suicide. But she claims not to know why the industry could lead to it. How about giving lots of money to people who are never told "no"? Think that could lead people to have the money for drugs and the belief they can handle it? On the plus side, Lohan did some nudie pictures for New York magazine. Look it up. They look......I mean, she's looks quite nice.

When I first read the headline to this story "Gorillas Caught Making Love, Human Style", my assumption was that the male gorilla got her drunk and promised to respect her in the morning. But apparently, they did it face to face which must be uncommon for gorillas. I kind of lost interest when I realized it wasn't a story about drunken gorilla pickup lines.

Although, why is taking pictures of apes doing it considered socially acceptable, but hiding under the bed in order to see some chick naked is a "crime"? Sure, it's a desperate move and claustrophobic, but who among us can honestly say they haven't found themselves in just that situation?

Poor Hillary. She's beginning to flop. Actually, the whole "Hillary is inevitable" was silly. With her high negatives, she was sure to have a sizable anti-Hillary movement even within the Democratic Party (actually, eight years in power means the Clintons probably created some enemies of people they stepped on). It's still pretty funny that Hillary bought the inevitability to the point she some inexperienced crony running her campaign (into the ground). So, what happens when she bites the bullet and replaces her? Some Latino party hack gets mad because the campaign manager was Hispanic. So, her campaign is stalling and he thinks it's more important to keep your Hispanic constituency happy than to put someone competant in charge (although I'm not sure the replacement is any better)? Of course, Hillary has no one but herself to blame. You can't pander to identity politics your entire career then get surprised when it blows back on you. What's next? Finding out that years of sucking up to Al Sharpton won't get you the black vote if you happen to run against a black candidate?

First we got the story that Gary Coleman married some chick way back in August. Then we find out more recently that he hasn't "finished the job" yet. Oh, and she's scared of him which is pretty sad considering she towers over him. All of this means I know too much about Gary Coleman's personal life. Which I feel the need to pass on to others.

I guess Coleman's bride won't have to hire a "honey trapper" detective to make sure he isn't straying. It's an interesting job. Go to a bar and try to pick up someone's spouse to see if they're a cheater. I can't really feel too sorry for them. Just because you didn't go out looking to commit adultery, you still did. Or wanted to. It doesn't say that sex has to be had in order for the detective to get paid. I'm assuming they don't. Actually, there are ones that I do feel sorry for. The ones who get ugly people hitting on them, because they pick "honey trappers" to match the attractiveness of the target. Think about it. If you get hit on by a homely girl, that means that a detective agency sat down and decided you were ugly and if a good looking woman hit on you, you might figure it's a trap.

Maybe what they all need is relationship counseling from this pastor. He wants single people to abstain from sex for a month (no big deal there), and he wants married people to do it at least once a day. I'm sure some married men are going to try to get that sermon on tape to whip out whenever the wife has a headache.

New of the Week

A county in Florida was considering putting up security cameras on the beaches to deter people from having public sex. Then they decided it would be too expensive to maintain. Obviously they didn't think this through. With all the wackjob exhibitionists out there, they probably would have had people going to this beach just to have sex in front of the cameras. Then the county could sell the videos to porn sites and have money to pay for the cameras.

Speaking of public sex, a cop in Denver lost his job over having sex with a prostitute in a Taco Bell bathroom. Considering what Taco Bell does to people, that's probably not the dirtiest thing to ever happen in that bathroom. This guy was a genius. What a great idea. Throw a 13 year career literally down the toilet by screwing a whore at a Taco Bell.

There's been some controversy over the process of waterboarding, but I've found a case where it would be appropriate. National Guardsman gets called up for active duty in Iraq. Wife cheats on him, blows all his money and then welcomes him home with divorce papers. I like how her lawyer says "there's two sides to every story". I would really love to hear her side. Maybe he was too distant while overseas. Maybe she has a medical condition to where her legs won't stay closed. I'm not sure that being a slut is really "a side to a story".

And here's a story just as pleasant. Two teenage girls made their parents proud by robbing a 9 year old girl scout. Even better, they came back and taunted the girl and said they weren't sorry. In fact, they seemed rather pissed that being caught was such an inconvenience. One did later apologize, but you could smell the BS through your computer screen. She probably realized how really stupid it is to confess to a crime on TV when the DA is still deciding whether to press charges. Really, at this point, what's to decide? Try them as adults and put them in a cell with the meanest prison lesbo you can find. And waterboard their parents. If I had done this, there's no way I would have been able to drive back to the scene of the crime since I would no longer have a car. I would consider myself lucky my dad wouldn't make me go back and help sell the cookies. Wearing a girl scouts uniform.

Nice to see the Church of England is trying to lead the way in England's surrender to Eurabia. The Archbishop of Canterbury seems to think a little Sharia law would be good for England. After all, it's working wonders in so many other places. I wonder if he realizes this leadership is why there are probably more practicing Anglicans in Nigeria than England.

Really, what's the worst that can happen if Sharia is instituted in England? Subjugated women abused to death with the willing negligence of family members? Too bad that's already going on, but at least right now, it's still illegal.

Granted, England has become very proficient at kow-towing to others. The latest was to make British Olympians sign a contract saying they wouldn't criticize the Chicoms who are hosting the Olympics. Funny, I don't remember anyone forcing their Olympic athletes to sign forms agreeing not to criticize the U.S. when the Olympics were held here. I've always thought having the Olympics in totalitarian countries seemed to go against the Olympic ideal. How naive are the schmucks who make these decisions? They seem to think letting dictators have the Olympics will "open" those countries. Worked real well with Germany in 1936. It's working real well in China now. They're rounding up dissidents and locking them up.

It shouldn't be too surprising that England is having these troubles. They've got some sick bastards over there. A man on trial for murdering a model is using the defense that she had already been murdered when he decided to rape the corpse. On a public sidewalk. And besides, a quarter of people there don't believe Winston Churchill really existed. For my American readers, let me assure you that Abraham Lincoln was a real person. What makes this worse is that half the Brits actually think Sherlock Holmes did exist.

That's probably why their best exports to this country seem to now be drug addled singers. Well, Amy Winehouse hasn't actually been exported since she couldn't attend the Grammy's due to her rehab schedule. One good thing could come from it. Kelly Osbourne wants her to move in with that dysfunctional family. Sounds like a good excuse to bring back the reality show, although listening to Winehouse try to converse with Ozzy would probably kill brain cells.

England did manage to export the Spice Girls back, but thankfully that little episode is over. Actually, the only reason I linked that article is because there is a picture of one of them grabbing another's boob, and as I said on the ski trip post, I'm big on the hands on boobage.

I probably shouldn't be so harsh about the British since this country's got it's share of idiots and wackjob. San Jose State has decided to ban blood drives because gay men are still considered high risk so they can't donate. Now, I hate needles so anything that can be done to broaden the blood supply that doesn't involve me is a good thing, but I think San Jose State is missing the big picture. How stupid is it to lessen blood availability over this? Since homosexuals aren't banned from receiving blood, they'll be in the same boat as non-homosexuals if there isn't enough blood. Always nice to see public universities use rational decision making techniques.

Then there's this genius who posted an ad to sell pot on Craigslist. I guess he was too lazy to take an ad out in the local newspaper.

Or the mother of the year who decided that she wasn't willing to drive drunk unless her case of beer was safely buckled up. Yet, she was willing to let her one year old daughter roam loose in the back seat. Normally, I'm all for making beer safety a priority, but even I have my limits.

Then there is our "celebrity" story of the week. Amy Fisher (who should be exported, for good), fresh off promoting the "celebrity" sex tape that no one wanted, has given an interview where she admitted to recently having vomit inducing sex with Joey Buttafuoco (God, I hope that video never gets out). Oh, and she doesn't have any sympathy for the woman she shot in the head several years ago. Why? Because Mary Jo Buttafuoco made more money off the "incident" than Fisher did. What a tragedy that the attempted murderess made less money than her victim.

And finally, some woman wrote the 10 things you (meaning men) shouldn't say to women. The whole article is pretty eye-rolling, but a couple stood out for me. Number three is don't say "Relax" (I'm assuming this isn't the Frankie Goes To Hollywood instruction while engaging in sodomy), because it might lead the woman to "think we're being irrational over nothing." A woman being irrational over nothing? Yeah, that never happens. But my favorite is number five where a man shouldn't question whether a woman might be a feminist, because she will be offended by it. Even if she is a feminist. Actually, my favorite part was the line that went "Be kind, open the door, offer to pay and go from there. We can choose to accept or share in your generosity." Well, how friggin' charitable of you. To think, she would actually allow me to pay for her dinner. How can the guys that woman dates be so stinking lucky?

Random Ski TripThoughts

I have to disagree with one point Phil made on his blog post about the ski trip. I did bitch about the single guy bunks. I bitched a lot. I will probably still be bitching about the bunk beds until next year. Because that's what I do. They would have been small for a normal person, but were really uncomfortable for those among us who fall into the less than skinny category.

Other than that, the only thing about the cabin I would've changed was the TV situation. With the one common TV being in a rather cramped area, viewing for the games could have been better. Plus, if you're trying to catch the end of Die Hard With A Vengeance, you don't want to have to listen to Brett snoring because he's fallen asleep on a couch in the middle of the day. And you know that's going to happen.

One big plus about the cabin was internet cable since that was the only way I could keep up with the Louisville basketball game. The only drawback was Kevin borrowed my computer while I went to take a shower. I'm afraid to check the history to see where he surfed. Hopefully Norton's kept spyware from downloading from some shemale porn site.

I'll join the bandwagon and thank all the people who cooked. God knows if I had been in charge of cooking, there would have been a lot of meals consisting of Vienna Sausages and Golden Grahams. And probably a lot fewer 2 liters of soda. And most likely we would have found out if the pizza delivery guy would be willing to drive up the hill.

From some of the post ski trip emails, I'm thankful that I don't like beans and won't eat anything with them in it. I had no gastrointestinal problems.

Not to ridicule anyone's belief system (unless you're Muslim, Scientologist or pick up snakes), but why are people worshiping the bear? It's not even a Grizzly.

Best advice from the weekend (from Dave Spitzer) - check out the video of Glenn Danzig getting punched in the face. Nothing like seeing a pretentious prick get punched in the face. Well, unless I'm that pretentious prick. As a bonus, it led me to the greatest Lego video ever.

Worst advice from the weekend (from Brett early Sunday morning) - let's watch Three's Company.

As a product of the '80s, I'm a big Journey fan. However, I must ask a pertinent question. Phil, doesn't that part of your iPod have room for more than 10 songs to shuffle through? Nothing against Damn Yankees, but listening to their one hit 83 times was more than enough.

Take a close look at that foosball table. There's a white (well, tannish) player on the black team. I'm not sure what it means, but it must mean something. Probably that the cabin is run by a bunch of cheap bastards who bought the table at a yard sale.

I've discovered why cornhole is a popular tailgating activity. I play much better while drinking beer over bourbon. Beer is the better tailgate drink. The only time I drink hard liquor at a tailgate is if it's an early game and I have less time to get a buzz on which I need because I don't want to blow $6 on each beer inside the football game but still want the excuse for my obnoxious behavior when I scream obscenities at the cotton candy guy for getting in my way and then promptly vomit on the little old lady who sits in front of me. That's not true. No little old lady sits in front of me. But I digress. I couldn't hit the hole (heh, heh, heh) while drinking bourbon, but did fine with beer. And sobriety doesn't help because Leslie was terrible at cornhole and apparently she doesn't drink.

I was once again astounded by the level of violence associated with Nerf Hoop (and I'm not talking about the anger generated as two unnamed handymen were trying to put them together). It's a wonder no one was seriously injured (although I tried my best).

I had a witty (for me) comment relating the way Cora is holding this bottle to instructions from my high school rifle team on how to fire a weapon properly (it involves something along the lines of "squeeze it, don't jerk it"). On further review, I'm just trying to figure out what headless Melissa is doing in the background. I'm not sure if I would call it a personal failing of mine (actually I find it to be an admirable trait and have no personal failings), but hands on boobage always attracts my attention. Although normally I like it to be my hands on boobage.

Looking through all these pictures, I see a stereotypical Pocahontas wig and a Chinese hat with a Hop Sing like rat tail coming out the back. Quite frankly, I'm embarrassed by the hidden bigotry in all of you. I would elaborate on that, but I'm too busy purchasing some bean soup for next year's ski trip since everyone seems to like beans.

Trivia question: who sang the theme song to the funniest western of all time, Clint Eastwood's TV series and the greatest non-Eastwood/Wayne western movie?

Someone was supposed to break down my barriers on the ski trip, but didn't get around to it. I'm not exactly sure what my barriers are. Or even what the Hell that means. It almost sounds like I'm mentally disturbed. I really don't have a problem with that characterization, but I'm not sure I want my barriers gone especially since I'm not sure what they are. And I'm sure I would miss them when they're gone.

I still haven't found my hammer.

Who the Hell let Jon in this picture? It makes it completely off center.

I was surprised by a picture Phil put on his blog. The one with Vic wearing a UL football jersey. I guess Phil is more tolerant this year. Last year he demanded I take off my Orange Bowl shirt (which made me feel very uncomfortable in his presence). Thumbs up, Phil, for finally learning some tolerance for people whose beliefs are different from yours. At least towards someone who could probably pull your arms out of their socket.

I think a lot of people leave on Sunday so they don't have to be involved in the Monday morning cleanup so Phil doesn't get an extra charge on his credit card. I don't know why they don't do like I do. Stay up late and get up in just enough time that others have already pretty much cleaned up everything. My cleaning skills are about as developed as my cooking skills. If getting the kitchen cleaned up was my responsibility, there would have been a lot of dishes tossed into the woods. After all, my name isn't on any rental paperwork.

Phil often accuses me of blogging while drunk. That is a complete overstatement of fact. However, since sobriety is not expected on ski trip weekend, why should blogging about the ski trip be done while sober? Especially when done while UL is kicking Georgetown's ass.

Finally, I saw a funny sight on the drive back. I looked into the back seat of the Rendezvous, and I saw Phil with his head between his legs. My first thought was I was going to have floorboard stains with vomit being the better option. Then I realized he was just falling asleep. I told him he could lay across the bench seat, but he mumbled something about never taking his seatbelt off while I was driving. It may have had something to do with the fact that I wasn't looking at the road while doing 85 mph in a driving rainstorm. Or it may have been the crank I did while waiting for Dickie's 15 minute bathroom break at Pilot. I mean I did have to stay awake for the drive home. It just reinforced my belief that Phil can be a wuss sometimes. After all, he made it home in one piece.

Random Super Bowl Thoughts

I’m not sure where all this talk about this being one of the greatest Super Bowls ever. Sure, it was exciting in the fourth quarter, but call me old fashioned because I like my Super Bowls to be well played. The score was 7-3 going into the fourth quarter. Real exciting stuff there.

I’ve got to give Goat #1 to Bill Belichick. His defense is playing pretty well (only 3 points thru 3 quarters). Offense isn’t. So, what does the “HEAD” coach do? Doesn’t look at the field while his offense is out there. Makes no adjustment at all to fix the protection issues (like maybe the three tight end set they used against San Diego?). Makes no adjustment to get Randy Moss open (let’s keep running him down the sidelines even though it hasn’t worked yet). And great decision making on fourth down. Going for it on 4th and 13 while at the Giants’ 31? Sure a 48 yard field goal is long, but it’s a dome so it’s definitely doable. Still has to give you a better shot than going for 4th and 13, especially when you call a play for the end zone. Genius, my ass.

Dave Spitzer was certainly correct about how bad Troy Aikman is in the booth. He friggin’ sucks. I still can’t get over his comment when the Giants were facing 3rd and 10 with under two minutes left in the game while trailing. He said something to the affect that the Giants would have a big decision if they didn’t make a first down. Yeah, the decision would be what play to call. Only a complete schmuck (like Troy) would even consider punting. He made it worse by agreeing with their decision to go for it on the next play when it was 4th and 1. Brilliant decision there, Troy. How much is Fox paying for such insightful commentary?

Sucked to be in Brentwood if you were a football fan. Some drunk knocked out power to 8,300 people there in the fourth quarter (the only good one). I was really hoping to find out it was OJ Simpson.

Goat # 2 goes to Matt Light. It probably shouldn’t because I think he’s highly overrated as a left tackle. However, a lot of people think he’s great. He looked like crap the entire game.

One thing that was nice to see in the lead up to the Super Bowl. A report came out that the Pats illegally video taped a Rams practice before their first Super Bowl win. Then we find out that a former video technician for them may be willing to talk. Hopefully, these revelations will come to pass and that jerkass Belichick won’t make the Hall of Fame.

Some people might say the Patriots were victims of karma. Payback because they are a bunch of cheaters. The mayor of Boston was already planning the parade route. The team had trademarked “19-0”. ESPN.com has pathetically allowed one of their columnist, Bill Simmons, to be a pimp for every Boston team. The Boston Globe already had a pre-order on Amazon.com for a book about a 19-0 Patriots team. But I don’t believe in karma. I do believe in lethargy, and the Patriots were lethargic.

My favorite commercial had to be the Sales Genie one where the Pandas had stereotypical Chinese accents. Nothing funnier than a commercial with the ability to offend. I also liked the Victoria’s Secret commercial, but for completely different reasons.

Does this mean I should change my opinion about Eli Manning? Hell, no. It took him over three quarters to get something other than a field goal. How on earth he got the MVP over a defensive player is beyond me. If the Giants don’t hold the Patriots to their lowest output of the season, the Giants don’t win. You have to go back to 1974 to find another Super Bowl Champ who scored fewer than 17 points. This game was won on defense, so it should have gone to one of them. Hell, Richard Dent won MVP in the ’86 Super Bowl when the Bears scored 55 points. I would have given the MVP to Justin Tuck. He was after Brady the whole game while recording two sacks and forcing a fumble.

Even if I was to give the MVP to an offensive player, it wouldn’t have been Manning. He got bailed out at least twice on the game winning drive. On the play before the penultimate play, Manning chucks the ball in double coverage. Asante Samuel has the easy interception to clinch the win. He drops it. On the next play, Manning does a good job escaping a sack, but all he does after that is chuck the ball down the middle of the field. David Tyree has to outleap the Patriots and catch the ball against his helmet. It was a spectacular catch. It was a boneheaded decision to make that throw. Putting the ball up in the air (for a long time) is the quickest way to get a pass intercepted. It’s one thing to do it on fourth down when you just want to get the ball downfield, but on third down, it’s stupid. That’s two horribly bad decisions back to back which he was very lucky not to have a turnover.

Goat # 3 has to be Tom Brady. Yes, he didn’t have a whole lot of time, but even on plays when he did, he didn’t play well. Also, the quarterback is partially responsible for his own protection. You’ve got to see where the rush is coming from, and Brady did a poor job there too. Still, even passes with time, he was constantly underthrowing or overthrowing or completely missing his receiver. Case in point, the 4th and 13 play (that never should have been run). The play was dumb enough since it should have been kicked or if you are going to run it, try to get the first down instead of going 31 yards into the end zone. Well, they tried for 31 yards into the end zone. Brady threw the ball about 10 yards out of bounds. I understand that Randy Moss was covered. So what? It’s fourth down. You would have been better off keeping it in the field of play to give Moss a chance at it. What’s the worst that can happen? An interception? If it’s in the end zone, you save 11 yards from where an incomplete pass left the Giants. Dumb play.

I read a lot of articles before the Super Bowl, and one thing stood out as funny to me. A bunch of columnists were critical of the half time show because they keep doing older acts. This year was Tom Petty. Recent performers included Prince, The Stones, Paul McCartney, etc. Some questioned why newer acts weren’t used. Well, duh. Who is going to have a broader array of fans, Prince or 50 Cent? A lot of younger people are going to know a Tom Petty or Prince. Certainly a lot more than the number of older people who are going to recognize a new face. I remember a few years ago when Ashlee Simpson sang at the Orange Bowl. She got her ass booed. Stick with someone the majority of the people watching have heard of.

Add professional gamblers and sports books to the group (a very large group) who hate the Patriots. The sports books lost $2.6 million on the game. I was surprised how much the so called “Smart Money” went for the Patriots. I know I thought the Patriots should cover, but pros usually look at trends, and the Patriots hadn’t been covering for awhile. I thought the big gamblers would go with the Giants. As for the bookies, piss on them. That’s what they get for setting the spread so high even though the Pats hadn’t been covering at the end of the year.

Ski Trip 2008: Day Two

Gratuitous wet t-shirt shot ripped off from Jon's camera. Well, maybe not too gratuitous. There was some hot tub action in the early hours of Saturday. Doesn't seem to be as much hot tubbing as in the past. I would put the blame on the raccoon I found floating in the hot tub when I first got here, but I failed to mention that to anyone after tossing it into the woods. Hope no one noticed. Fortunately, we have not run out of coffee. Nor two liters of soda. However, the two liter situation is getting desperate. We're probably down to only 87. We're also really low on beer. We would be in real trouble if not for all the bottles of liquor. There was basketball during the day, and poker in the evening. More cornholing than you can find in a Tijuana massage parlor. Then came the late night downer as some old crank comes out at 3 am to make us turn the music down. I don't know what the deal is with these geriatrics always trying to bring down the party.

I figured I'd better get a picture of Kevin because the last time I went on a ski trip with him, I completely forgot he was there. And Kara still hasn't hatched.

Ski Trip 2008: Day One

And the trip begins. Throughout the afternoon and evening and into the wee hours of Saturday morning, ski trippers arrived at the Plimpton Lodge somewhere in the wilds of Dollywood. Their trip ended with clutches burning out on a 65 degree hill leading up to the cabin. Provisions have been stocked, but we're still not sure if there are enough two liters of soda. It's my firm belief that we'll need more. Just about everyone was scarfing down chili. No word on whether we have air fresheners for the resulting blast tomorrow.

A few questions from the pre-trip surveys have been answered. Dave Schanding was the first to pass out. He went out quite early. I was the first injury at the hands of my car, although Big Jon's was more interesting as he fell down the steps. Kara has made it through day one without hatching. Right now, the MVP is the maintenance guy who came late to get the fireplace going and drop off a remote control. And the most intriguing question has been answered. Dickie Tipton is on the ski trip.