The Super Bowl: A Retrospective

I thought it might take me longer to get around to a Super Bowl recap, but snow has intervened. My wussy bowling league postponed tonight’s games before it even started snowing. So, after a meal of frozen waffles and Vienna sausages (I haven’t shopped for groceries in two weeks, was too tired after coming back from Gatlinburg and I figured the panic prone populace of Lexington would be looting the stores of food at the first mention of snow today), I’m sitting down to recap the Super Bowl which with the extra time and some help from my good friend Evan Williams could be a really long one. I'm beginning to think that Super Bowl Sunday is now my favorite holiday which means Phil and I have the same favorite holiday since it falls on ski trip weekend. Are you happy that I incorporated a ski trip reference? Actually, it was another fun year (in spite of having to walk down the street to my bed which goes against my anti-exercise philosophy), and I want to think Phil for again setting it up. And I also want to think Megan H. for staying awake on the ride back (unlike Phil and Brett last year) which helped keep me awake so that I didn't run off the road killing us both. Too bad Jennifer Miller missed the trip or I might have said something nice about her. But I digress. Really this is more random thoughts about the pregame, commercials, game, whatever than a full recap.

Looking back at the Super Bowl, I still can’t get over the colossal ineptitude shown by one of the main participants. For the love of God, this is the Super Bowl and some moron is turning it into amateur hour. This is when the professionalism of the NFL should be on display, but instead we get a staggeringly atrocious performance of a bumbling fool. Who the Hell decided Phil Simms should be the color analyst at the Super Bowl? How does someone declare before the game that the wet ball won’t affect anything then blame every mistake (possibly including all the ones his son Chris made whenever Texas lost to Oklahoma) on the wet ball?

The irony with the Phil Simms pregame comments is that Steve Young said the exact opposite (you know, that a wet ball is harder to handle) on the ESPN countdown show (which aired about 10 hours before the Super Bowl). It’s pretty much par for the course since despite having Michael Irvin, ESPN has always had better pregame than CBS. The only relevant info that came out of CBS’ pregame was that Stevie Nicks has aged badly. In fact, the only worthwhile part of the whole pregame show was the poignant segment about the early deaths of Bear running backs Brian Piccolo and Walter Payton and the lasting impact they had in Chicago. Since the original Brian’s Song is one of my favorite movies, and Payton was my all time favorite NFL player, I simply can’t make a smart ass remark about that segment. In fact, it was too bad that I was the only one in the room watching it (you jerk-ass drunks). Or maybe it was better that way since something, probably the dust in the cabin, was making me misty eyed. Or maybe it was caused by Melissa smoking two cigarettes at once.

Then as if to prove that CBS can botch a human interest story, they trotted out Katie Couric to show why CBS Evening News is in the ratings toilet. In an effort to promote that worthless wench, they let her do a piece on Hines Ward’s trip back to Korea. Of course the trip was almost a year ago and every NFL show throughout the season reported on it. Outside the humor of them using subtitles when Ward’s mother was speaking English (shouldn’t they do the same for Shannon Sharpe or maybe just let him stamp his foot?), it was a pretty piss poor segment. If that’s the kind of poorly done schmaltz that Couric is doing for CBS News, I don’t see them getting out of the gutter anytime soon. I’m sure Dan Rather could have come up with some photocopied documents to prove that Ward is related to Kim Jong-il to make it more interesting. At least I wandered off during Cirque Du Soleil because I’m sure I’m the only football fan who doesn’t care about crap like that.

Billy Joel did a nice job with the national anthem. I have always preferred the traditional singing of the national anthem rather than someone "making it his/her own" or else forgetting the words. It probably means they kept Joel away the pregame open bar.

Random thought completely out of left field - Whose version of Amanda is better: Waylon Jennings or Don Williams? Waylon is top 5 as far as my favorite singers. Williams isn't that far behind. Yet, even then, I think the nature of the song almost calls for the more subdued vocals of Williams over Waylon.

Oh, and there was also a game being played which I must say was the most poorly played Super Bowl I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen a lot of games played in the rain that didn’t include this much bumbling around. I think the grass was the leading tackler for both teams, and players treated the ball like it had herpes. Four turnovers in one quarter. Back-to-back fumbles. Twice. Hey, we’re all professionals here. Let’s put it this way, the Colts won, and while doing so, they had three turnovers, missed a short field goal, botched an extra point, false started about three times, blew a challenge because somebody counted 12 players instead of 11 and let a kick returner tip toe through them for 95 yards and a touchdown. Ironically enough, this was the Colts’ first Super Bowl win since 1971 which was called the "Blooper Bowl" because of how many turnovers and penalties and screwups occurred. I guess the long term Super Bowl tradition for the Colts is to hope the opposing team makes two more mistakes than you do. Also ironic is this crappy game was the second most watched Super Bowl ever.

Should I consider Dan Marino a product placement when he works for the network carrying the Super Bowl and the designated coin flipper? Obviously Adam Vinatieri should have watched the CBS pregame show when Marino said it hit heads every time he tossed it in practice. Vinatieri called tails and later missed a field goal. Coincidence? Probably.

There are certain commercials that should not be on a Super Bowl broadcast. The salesgenie.com (no, I will not link that crap) commercial shouldn’t even be aired during a public access high school football broadcast. I was all set to go out and buy Doritos after the funny car crash Doritos commercial, but immediately changed my mind after the ugly people having sex at the supermarket one. On a side note, I think I speak for everyone when I lament the lack of that John Mellencamp song in a commercial. I haven’t had a good ear bleed in a while.

CBS also did a great job with the audio. Normally, I don’t really pay attention to player interviews, but I do think if a network is going to waste time showing them, at least make sure the sound works. Of course, I was beginning to think they only had three cameras in the whole stadium considering how long they stayed with one that had rain all over it, so audio and video were a problem. Maybe next year the CW channel can get the game.

Peyton Manning won the Super Bowl MVP which isn’t surprising since most of the sportswriters were probably wearing a Manning jersey under their barbecue stained, ill fitting polo shirts. However, a lot of people (including the NFL) thought Dominic Rhodes was going to get it which was foolish on their part to think that on field performance should trump the better storyline. I realize I’m biased because I think Manning is an ass, but I really don’t believe he did anything to merit the MVP. Reason #1 Manning didn’t deserve the MVP: He accounted for two of the Colts’ three turnovers with an interception and botched handoff to Joseph Addai.

While there were a lot of people giving Rex Grossman the credit for such an awful display of football, I prefer to start higher up the food chain. What the Hell was Chicago thinking with their game plan? Or execution? Or time management? Or decision making? Coach Lovie Smith joined Tony Dungy in burning a timeout with a challenge that was unlikely to be overturned (showing he did learn something from coaching under Dungy). I’m not real sure how smart it is to blow a timeout because the play was a "backbreaker". Sure, it worked for the Chargers earlier in the playoffs when they didn’t have an extra time out for Marty Schottenheimer to make a decision. A missed field goal is probably less embarrassing than whatever Marty would have called, but most teams find having timeouts late in a game to be a good thing.

Reason #2 Manning didn’t deserve the MVP: When Cedric Benson fumbled, Rex Grossman dove into the play trying to recover it. When pansy ass Manning fumbled the handoff to Addai, he tiptoed away like a little fairy so he didn’t have to make a play for it.

The Bears certainly ran a stellar offensive game plan. That running game thing sure didn’t work as Thomas Jones only averaged 7.5 yards per carry, so let’s scrap it and throw deep. Everyone knows long passes by an error prone quarterback are the best option in a downpour. At least everyone on Chicago’s coaching staff. Most of the rest of us thought short passes and runs were a better idea. Really, what’s the worst that can happen, Grossman drops back, falls down and turns 2nd and 1 into 3rd and 13? At least the Bears figured it out late when they tried to run a hurry up offense with no timeouts. Nothing like draw plays and short passes in the middle of the field when you’re down 12 points and only have a couple of minutes left. They also had about as much pizzazz as a wake. No reason to run a trick play (or, Hell, even a screen pass) when your offense can’t move the ball. On a side note, does the fact that I capitalize Hell mean I'm more religious than I thought?

Between the two guys eating the Snickers from both ends and the guys washing a Chevy HHR means this Super Bowl had the gayest commercials ever. Editor’s note: on the drive down, Megan and I were behind an HHR and neither of us could figure out what one was. Sadly, I had to find out by watching a commercial with guys in their underwear washing one.

Reason # 3 Manning didn’t deserve the MVP: I think they should have gone with what happened after the Colts won Super Bowl V when they gave it to Chuck Howley on the losing Dallas team. That game was so poor, they gave it to the player with the most impact regardless whether his team won. I think a Chicago player had the most impact (in all seriousness, I don’t mean Rex Grossman). After Devin Hester’s touchdown return to start the game, the Colts completely changed their kickoff philosophy to the point they were willing to let the Bears start around the 40 yard line than take a chance of Hester running one back. I’ve never seen a player have that much of an impact when he’s only going to be handling the ball a few times (those on the ski trip might remember I said to put him in at quarterback and have him run from the shotgun). Did Dungy think he was going to run 6 kicks back?

The defensive gameplan for the Bears was just as spectacular. All week, every analyst (including former coaches and players) said that Peyton Manning would do well against the Cover 2 defense because he can throw underneath. I realize the Bears run the Cover 2 defense which is putting safeties way down field to take away the big play (you know, so Reggie Wayne isn’t 30 yards behind every defender), but they don’t run it all the time. They had two weeks to prepare. Why not come up with something new? Actually, they did. It was the Cover 2 on steroids. It was almost like they were running the prevent defense (which ironically struggles to prevent anything). Let’s put the safeties way back, the linebackers way back and the corners, well you get the picture. That means five offensive linemen are blocking four defensive lineman with virtually nothing behind them. You only have to go 10 yards, so any play that gets past the line of scrimmage is halfway there, and not that hard to do when they aren’t stunting or blitzing. It’s actually pretty easy to go on long time consuming drives that way. But, it does take away the long pass (unless no one guards Reggie Wayne) which is the staple of every team in a downpour. Well, every team from Chicago. Chicago’s defensive coordinator actually said they didn’t expect the Colts to pull back their offense. The fact that they ran the ball more in the playoffs than the regular season is no reason for the Bears to think they keep doing that when it was raining. And when the Colts did, the Bears made no adjustment. Is Dallas really considering Ron Rivera for their head coaching job after that little admission?

Reason #4 Manning didn’t deserve the MVP: He threw for 247 yards on 38 completions with a touchdown and pick. Whoo-hoo. A lot of players (maybe not Grossman) can throw for 247 yards against a prevent defense. Outside of the Wayne touchdown on a blown coverage, I can’t think of any memorable pass that Manning completed because most were dumpoffs right over the middle where no one was due to an inept gameplan. Addai had 10 catches (Wayne & Harrison combined for 7). Picking apart a defense isn’t hard when you’re throwing 6 yard outs and the defense is 15 yards back.

However, what happened when the Bears couldn’t play Cover 2? The Colts marched right down the field constantly, but they only managed two offensive touchdowns, and one was a screwup. The four other times they settled for field goal attempts. I have this bizarre theory that the short field meant that the linebackers and defensive backs weren’t way back so there wasn’t a half mile of empty space for the Colts to play in. Maybe if the Bears had tightened things up, the Colts wouldn’t have been marching up and down the field. Maybe the Bears’ defense doesn’t wear down. Maybe they get more offensive opportunities. Scratch that. Maybe Hester gets a chance to run back a couple of punts.

Reason #5 Manning didn’t deserve the MVP: 1 for 6. That was the Colts’ red zone efficiency. That’s how many times they scored a touchdown in the red zone. Once the Bears linebackers couldn’t stand 12 yards off the line or scrimmage, Manning struggled to move them.

And with all the celebrities in commercials, who thought Robert Goulet would have the best one.

Random thought completely out of left field - I think I just heard the song Violent Femmes song Blister In The Sun playing as background music for a Burger King commercial. Now, I realize that it's probably an urban legend that the song is about the "sin of Onan", but should a company like Burger King (Sanskrit for lousy food) use a song that a lot of people associate that way?

Let’s see, Tony Dungy’s such a boob that he apparently forgot that kicking it out of bounds would put it at the 35 instead of giving the ball over at the 40. He wasted a timeout and challenge because he couldn’t count. Yet, Lovie Smith was completely outcoached by him. I already pointed out the flaws in the gameplans, but the worst part is he changed what was working (running the ball) but not what was failing (Cover 2 defense). I still can’t believe they didn’t seem to factor in the rain at all. Making the Super Bowl was going to skyrocket the price of his contract extension, but this performance should bring that back to earth. I don’t want to give too much credit to Dungy although not kicking to Hester shows how to make an in-game adjustment. The Bears had no offense, and were giving up a ton of yards on defense. Yet, for all the talk of Colts’ domination, it was a five point game until Grossman’s fourth quarter interception.

I must also mention Prince's halftime performance when he didn't seem to actually get wet in a driving rain. Nice rocking performance. Reiterating a theme from the Orange Bowl, I don't know why they had to drag a marching band onto the field. People pay $125 to watch a Prince concert. Why do you bring in something that few people would actually pay to see? Still, it was an enjoyable 12 minutes. Some people bitch about the NFL now picking halftime shows that aren't newer acts, but that's pretty silly. The Super Bowl doesn't need a hot pop act to draw viewers. In fact, anyone who only watches for the halftime show isn't going to pay attention to the rest. I remember when Ashlee "Coattail" Simpson was booed while singing halftime at the Orange Bowl. Gee, the stadium was three quarters full of Oklahoma fans who I'm sure were thrilled to see her. Of course, a lot of blame for the nostalgia acts goes back to the Janet Jackson halftime show a few years back. I'm not advocating censorship or anything like that, but some of us were highly offended by what happened then. There is no way that Justin Timberlake should be singing in public.

Reason #6 Manning didn’t deserve the MVP: Rhodes deserved it. Granted, he was also helped by running against a prevent defense (you can average five yards a carry when the second line of defenders are eight yards away when you get to the line of scrimmage). Still, he had the same number of touchdowns (without needing a badly blown coverage) as Manning, ran for 113 yards and put away the game in the second half. No way in Hell should Manning have gotten the award over Rhodes, but too bad the voters for it are a bunch reporters who can't get enough sniffing of Peyton's jock.

Crap, this is long, and I didn't use any of the pictures I copied from Phil's camera. Apparently I can stil type 60 words a minute.