Big Weekend In Lexington (I Should Have Left Town)

Actually, that's not true. While certain things going on were not my cup of tea, Keeneland was running. I love Keeneland. Although to be honest, I like it a lot more during the spring meet than the fall meet. To begin with, it's usually warmer during the spring meet except this year when there were snow flurries on the April 6th opening day (must be that global cooling the environmentalists warned us about in the 70s). Warm weather generally means young ladies wearing skimpy outfits with their knockers hanging out. Hey, I need something to capture my attention before the post parade. That'll do it. The other problem with the fall meet is FOOOOOOOOOOOTBALL. Mainly because it's on at the same time most days. Saturday's tough because college football has many games on (I wear out my remote finger). Too many to keep up in the Keeneland sports bar. NFL games are easier to watch there so I'm more likely to go on a Sunday , but I still prefer the spring when nothing else distracts me.

Of course, I can also go on a weekday, but I have to use vacation. Fortunately this past Friday my department at work had an "outing" to Keeneland. Even better, the Equestrian Bar charges the same for a Maker's and coke that they do for a Jack and coke. Nothing against Jack Daniels, but that's almost sacrilege. Even better, a big bet on a winner meant I didn't switch to beer. Ironically, it was against a work related horse (partially owned by some executive) in the fifth race. I wanted to bet him (but went with Calvin Borel instead) because the horses' name was Load of Chronic, and for some reason, I was one of the few in my group who understood what that meant. In a sense, I felt somewhat younger. Until I realized it was "College Day" which has the advantage of much younger ladies in the all too revealing outfits but is offset by assbag college guys in ill-fitting suits because they think that's what they should wear.

Another problem with Keeneland during football season is how often SEC white trash fans show up there because their team is playing UK. Friday was LSU. I'm sure they were excited to be there because at their Louisiana tracks, it's not often you have a race that isn't fixed. Fortunately, there weren't too many of them when I went downtown later that night (one good bourbon and coke leads to many others). I don't think I could have handled the smell. I ended up at some place called Harvey's which I've walked by, but never went into. Even though one of those other events that I chose to ignore (Big Blew Madness) was going on, that place was still packed. Not sure why. It's a nice bar, but it's nothing special. Okay jukebox (I think) until someone kept playing that song from the iPod Nano commercials. Reasonably priced drinks. Limited room and seating. I guess they get the overflow of weirdos that came down for a Talking Heads tribute band. Now, I like some punk bands. Like The Clash who could actually play their instruments. The Ramones. Social Distortion. Stuff like that. But I wouldn't walk across the street to see the Talking Heads. Let alone a tribute band.

But I digress. The other big event was the UK/LSU game (Big Blew Madness is a practice, people; it don't mean a thing). UK pulled off the big upset by playing a great game. For those who read the fantasy football/soft core porn website I keep for the long running TRU Fantasy Football League (no link, it's dirty), I made a point in week 2 that LSU would lose a game this year due to the ineptitude of coach Les Miles. It just came true. When you have a quarterback (Matt Flynn) who can only throw 25 yards, you have to rely on defense. LSU usually does. For some reason, they decided not to pressure Andre Woodson. It's a stupid move not to pressure mediocre quarterbacks. It's even worse when you're facing a good quarterback. I think everyone should have recognized LSU had issues. Their best tailback is a white guy. How do you expect to win with that? Especially when you decide to run on fourth and two and don't even use him.

On the flip side, I should be really happy that UL beat Cincinnati. After losing to weak ass Syracuse and Utah, I should be happy beating anyone. Maybe the city of Cincinnati was jinxed by the Reds hiring Dusty Baker. He knows how to manage a last place team. Still, there is something wrong here. I remember when UL had a great football team. It was way back in 2006. UL has the best college quarterback in the country. I would take Brian Brohm over half the guys (at least) in the NFL. They return several other key figures from a 12-1 Orange Bowl winning team. Yet, UL has fallen to the point that I'm happy to beat friggin Cincinnati? How did I get here

News You Can Use - Maybe

I saw this story about some guy fleeing the police on his riding mower and was mildly amused, especially by the fact that the cops felt the need to give him a field sobriety test. He had a case of beer strapped to the front of the lawnmower. Then I saw the byline was West Virginia and decided this was probably a normal occurrence.

In Missouri, some Muslim inmate is suing because he thinks his jelly was made from gelatin which is made from pork. There's some prohibition against eating pork or products endorsed by Bill Cosby, I forget which. Of course, I have a hard time taking his religious fervor seriously since he's in jail on federal drug charges which usually means trafficking. Islam has this little problem with drugs. In fact, I think Mohammad called mind altering stuff "the most terrible of major sins". Here's my solution. Lets deport his ass to Saudi Arabia (a solution to many of our Islamic problems) and let him be devout there. His present occupation should go over well.

Can anyone verify where Dave Spitzer was on Saturday, September 29 a little after 8 pm? Not asking for any particular reason. Just curious.

A middle school near Chicago has decided to ban hugging. My first thought was "what's a hug line?" My second thought was "how am I supposed to cop a feel on a sixth grader if I can't hug one?" My third thought was "keep that last thought to yourself".

This is what a ban on hugging in schools could lead to. A first grade teacher in Indiana showed up wasted to school with beer in her purse. Doesn't she have a cooler?

Well, in my last posting, I mentioned there were articles that were so horrible that I have to debate whether to mention them. For some reason, The View seems to provide a bunch of them. This time, it was about Rosie O'Donnell reminiscing about her time on the show. She said early on that Barbara Walters would talk with her about which lubricants to use. Pardon me while retch repeatedly.

I love college football, but ESPN is ruining it for everyone by putting Lou Holtz on College Gameday. It's like watching a senile old man sputtering like Sylvester the cat because it is a senile old man sputtering like Sylvester the cat.

Sean Penn's favorite dictator, Hugo Chavez, is in the news today. Is it for shutting down another TV station? Or trying to nationalize private universities unless they agree to only teach his socialists policies? Actually, I wondered what American academics at our Ivy League schools thought of this, but then I remembered they already think teaching socialism is the law here. But it isn't either of those. It's not even his wack-ass scheme to move time back a half hour to gain "a more fair distribution of sunrise" which is pretty messed up. No, he's now in the news for criticizing the girls who get breast implants for their 15th birthday (apparently the Venezuelan version of a bat mitzvah). Damn shame that a teenage girl can't get the boob job she's been pining for the past two years. What should she get? A bicycle? Yeah, we definitely need fewer Latino hotties with big knockers. Thanks, Hugo.

Speaking of big boobs, police women in Scotland who are flat-chested have to wear yellow pants along with their fluorescent jackets so people driving by can see them. I think this is a good idea. I know that a big chested woman just stands out when I drive by. A lot easier to notice. In fact, I would take it a step further. Make the police women go topless. It would certainly catch my attention.

I bet if the parents of this 17 year old English girl had bought her a new rack, she would stop running away to Egypt after some natives who apparently didn't mind knocking boots with her, but didn't want to marry her. Actually, after reading the entire article, I have absolutely no sympathy for someone that stupid. I hope her parents leave her idiot ass down in Egypt. Make her stay in Egypt and get a job. I'm sure she can survive long enough to find another "fiance" especially since she apparently gives it up pretty easily.

Speaking of stupid teenagers, a new trend in Canada is to spray yourself (or your buddy) with body spray and set it on fire. Now, as a practicing pyromaniac, I can understand the fun with lighters and any type of aerosol spray, but I usually burned stuff other than myself. A small flame only irritates, a big ball of fire has a tendency to hurt.

Last month in Italy, they had a pasta strike. The price has gotten high, so don't buy it. At least they were smart enough to admit that a one day strike to change economic conditions is completely bogus and won't work (remember that when you get the email telling you not to buy gas on a certain day). However, what got me was the fact that strike organizers were setting up "emergency stands offering free bread and milk" for people suffering withdrawal. You have got to be kidding me. As one who has some Italian ancestry (well, that one guy who came over in the early 20th century to play a harp at a restaurant in Nashville and somehow ended up in Madisonville), I am embarrassed for the land of my forefather. Either you are too weak to go a day without pasta or you are too stupid to buy something else. They should be so proud.

There is something seriously wrong with this country when activists are trying to keep the Bowery in New York from changing. When an area of town is known for its "squalor", I have to think very few people will miss it.

Oklahoma winning the Red River Shootout over Texas reminded me of this story. Some dude was wearing a Longhorns T-shirt in an Oklahoma City bar (not the brightest move, but this is America and he has that right). He gets into a fight with an Oklahoma fan (and deacon of a church) and ends up with a torn scrotal sack (which pains me just typing those words). Got to love the picture in the article. Actually, considering how intense that rivalry can be, only tearing apart someone's manhood is probably seen as the Christian thing to do.

I realize I don't have a small wireless device, so checking my email while sitting on the john would be problematic unless I wanted to take my laptop in there. Since I don't really find the toilet seat that comfortable and surfing dirty websites might keep me in there for awhile, I probably won't be taking my laptop in there any time soon. However, I don't understand why someone would need to check his/her email while taking a dump. Can't you wait a few minutes until you are done?

News of the Week

Ah, so nice to be back in civilization. North Carolina was nice. NC State has a nice stadium even though they don't serve booze. However, like WVU, they allow people to get stamped, leave and come back in. I think it's pretty obvious that people are leaving to drink. Does it make sense to not serve beer inside where the price will make people sip it, but let people go outside where they will most likely chug it to get as many down as possible? Who do you think are the bigger risks?

My tickets were in the lower corner section which gives you a pretty crappy angle, but on the plus side, the UL cheerleaders and dance team were about 20 feet away from me. Now, I wouldn't have minded being in the end zone section because on the other side of the end zone tunnel were some NC State students including a hot blond in tight short-shorts and a tied up T-shirt. My options were to squint hard or borrow my uncle's binoculars and look like a total pervert. I don't know why he kept complaining. I only used them during TV timeouts.

But on to the news. Some French mayor in Paris wanted to use a stinkbomb to run the homeless out of his suburb. Why the Hell would that work? If you have a lot of homeless around, how is a stinkbomb going to make the stench worse?

Johnson City, TN had a little problem going on. Well, other than its location in Eastern Tennessee. Apparently some of the city parks were gay cruising spots including one place infamously called the Man Cave. I still don't see the appeal of sex in a public toilet (or sex with men). When I think public toilet, the concept of dirty, nasty, dingy, smelly hole comes to mind which may explain the gay pickup aspect to it. One of the detainees was 85. Cruising for gay sex at 85? I guess I have to admire his energy. It wasn't just the pickup part of it that led to arrests. Some investigators were groped. How do you get undercover cops to go out on this assignment in the future? Hey, want to get your junk grabbed by a senior citizen?

When I think about the defenders of chastity and wholesomeness, the first ones I think of are flight attendants. When I first heard the story of the female passenger who was almost left off a Southwest flight for wearing an outfit that was too revealing, I wondered where the Hell women like that are when I fly. I always get stuck next to someone's grandmother or a screaming brat. Then I saw the outfit and realized someone had lost their friggin mind. I think they sell sluttier outfits at Gap For Kids. I'm also curious about why every story about the incident made a point to mention that she works part-time at Hooters. I could see the point of that if she'd worn her Hooters' outfit (too bad for her Hooters Air went out of business or she wouldn't have a problem), but otherwise, it doesn't really have a point. Oh well, at least Southwest hasn't started sacrificing goats.

When I think about an air guitar championship, the first word that comes to mind is LOSER. When I was seven, I used to play a tennis racket along with Chipmunks albums. Should I try out for this crap? Then I read that the winner gets a custom made guitar. Does anyone think he actually knows how to play a guitar?

I thought this story of a college student killing her roommate was sad. Then I noticed that they were part of a program "to help American Indians adapt to college life". I think that program may need some refinement unless the fact that she didn't scalp her (gratuitous ethnic remark) is a sign of adaptation. Another nice college story was about two guys busted for drugs at Northeastern. Apparently, one of them yelled outside his window that they had some pot for sale. No word yet whether they were studying agriculture or economics. Does make me question the standards at that school if two people that dumb are let in.

I love Youtube. Every gaff someone on air makes is saved for posterity. This was one of the better ones as a local newscaster tells the inspiring story of a man who overcame a handicap to climb Mt. Everest. His handicap? Gayness. Or blindness. They never did finish the story. I'm thinking blindness, because every knows homos have trouble climbing mountains. They have bad wrists.

This was a funny story, complete with pictures. Bear falls off bridge. Bear catches himself. Bear spends night on bridge struts. Bear gets drugged and pushed into a net. I like the fact that they left him up there and assumed he wouldn't be there the next day. Were there a bunch of drunks underneath screaming "Jump. Jump. Jump"?

There are certain stories that are so horrible that I think really hard before I write about them. This week, it was the report that Whoopi Goldberg announced on The Spew that she wanted to have a threesome with Nancy Pelosi and her husband. Give me second to finish dry heaving. Make it several minutes. God, I hope this never happens. Or at least a video of it never makes it out. Accidentally seeing it could make me join a monastery. On the plus side, at least The View got rid of that mouthy dyke with a penchant for making inappropriate comments on the show. Well, the white one anyway.

Maybe the thought of that threesome drove this guy to suicide. Time frame makes that unlikely. How long does it take to make a guillotine? And why not just get some pills? Plus, that's pretty low making a big disgusting beheading scene. Somebody has to find it. Someone else has to clean it up. Show some damn courtesy.

Why would someone steal a rabbit from a preschool? Well, unless they ate him. Rabbit is still a popular dish in France. Maybe some homeless Frenchman were driven away by a stinkbomb, ended up in Spokane and stole a rabbit for dinner. Hey, it could happen. Actually, my favorite part of the story was how PETA wouldn't endorse rabbit theft, but didn't seem to condemn it (obviously unaware of the of the French homeless dinner theory soon to be spreading on the internet).

Another sad story. This one about teenage boys in the semi-outlawed version of Mormonism being booted out of their home for alleged disobedience. Since this particular branch of the church believes in multiple wives (but not multiple husbands), disobedience is being born male. Stands to figure if you want a bunch of wives, get rid of the competition. I've always said one should be suspicious of a religious sect that has major tenets that seem to have been founded strictly to get the church leadership laid (blog on the Church of Marc coming soon).

Speaking of sects that were founded on the leader getting laid, a Saudi husband used Islamic law to divorce his wife. Usually the grounds for divorce are "she got fat", but in this case, it was all about infidelity. His wife was watching a male TV host. Alone. Unfortunately, she should probably consider herself lucky it was just divorce.

But for every divorce, there is a marriage. Well, statistically, that may not be true in this day and age, but nice thought. In this case, a 24 year old man married an 82 year old woman. The article doesn't mention the most pertinent question. How much was she worth? Well, that and whether or not they plan to have kids.

Finally, the midpoint between marriage and divorce. An affair. This was between a Colorado judge and prosecutor. I freely admit I may not be up on all the areas of judicial ethics, but there definitely seems to be a conflict of interest.

Dirty Sex News

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UL Vs. UK - PostGame Analysis

It would have been a much more entertaining game for me if UL had won. As an uninterested party, I would have really enjoyed it. Football weather. Under the lights (I love night games). Dance team right in front of my section. Maybe not that great in the stands. I guess I'm spoiled because my seat at Cardinal Stadium is a chairback (all the seats at Cardinal Stadium are chairbacks) which is a lot more comfortable than the metal bleachers of death at Commonwealth Stadium. Side note: I followed UL to Kansas State last year, and KSU still uses wooden bleachers which are also more comfortable than metal ones. Upkeep is probably harder is the reason people don't use them. One nice thing being in the visitor's section of Commonwealth is that they are on the end zone, and the bathrooms don't have long lines. Actually, I always find it humorous being in that section of Commonwealth. Visitors get tickets in the NW corner of the stadium, because those aren't seen as premium seats. Yet, we get the same angle view as the people who paid a lot of money to get a luxury suite since UK put those in the corners.

Unfortunately, my concern over UL's defense was greatly justified. As I mentioned in my preview, the players and coaches haven't changed much, but something is different. There has to be something in the scheme, because UL should not have dropped off this much in that area. There's little things like the defensive line shot the gaps to get penetration last year. Now, they initiate contact with the offensive line. That style can work if your linebackers are penetrating the line. It doesn't work if you don't blitz on pass plays or your back seven are routinely out of position. That's the most irritating problem with this defense - guys not seeming to know where they are supposed to be. Last week, Middle Tennessee had a 52 yard pass play because no UL defensive back went with the wide receiver who split out wide. MTSU didn't even have a passing play, but switched to one because there was no one within 30 yards of the guy. This week, UK wins the game on a 57 yard pass to a receiver who was 10 yards beyond a prevent defense. I have no idea how the Hell that could happen.

As to the rest of the game, my worst fear came through. I don't think UL's new coach, Steve Kragthorpe, is very good. To put it in perspective, I thought UK coach Rich Brooks made some stunningly bad decisions. When the option is not your base offense, you should never run it on a 4th and one because you're putting your running back too far behind the line of scrimmage. UK scored a touchdown with less than a minute left to take a five point lead. UK kicked a meaningless extra point instead of going for two for a seven point lead. I haven't seen the tape yet, but apparently UK kept switching their kickoff return men which kills consistency. Yet, even with all that, Brooks clearly outcoached Kragthorpe.

The smartest thing that Brooks did was having Andre Woodson take a three step drop and throw quickly. Since UL wasn't blitzing or trying to shoot gaps, it made for a quick play so that that UK's inexperience on the offensive line was negated. UL never adjusted their defense to that. I'm not sure they ever blitzed. For some reason, UL also kept their cornerbacks well off the receivers at the line of scrimmage (about 10 yards). UK receivers simply went downfield 8 yards and caught a pass. This means Woodson only averaged 9 yards per completion (by contrast Brian Brohm had 13) even with that 57 yard touchdown pass. In fact, outside of that pass, I'm not sure Woodson had another completion more than 15 yards. Why would he since UL was going to let him throw 7 and 8 yard passes to wide open receivers? An average quarterback could do that, so why was UL giving that opportunity to an above average one?

I might have been OK with the poor defensive coaching, because Kragthorpe's specialty is offense. Supposedly. Let's see how that went. UK gave up 124 yards to Kent State's running back last week. In the first half. UL made no real effort to establish the run. Even though Anthony Allen had two rushes that went for less than 4 yards in the first half, he only got 9 carries. UL had a 2 to 1 pass ration against a poor run defense. That's insane. Even when passing, they kept calling deep passes. To begin with, that puts your quarterback in danger because he's holding the ball too long waiting for the receiver to get separation. Secondly, it's low percentage. Add to it some really dumb decisions. Going for the touchdown on 4th and goal from the one makes sense. Going for it from the six when you're only down five with over nine minutes left is flat stupid. However, the worst was using two timeouts on UL's last touchdown and the follow up two point try. UL had a two yard run right up the gut for the touchdown and tried a fade pass for the conversion attempt. Not exactly the type plays you need to use a timeout to set up. Timeouts that would have certainly been handy when they got the ball back at the end.

Let's see how well I did on the preview. Obviously had the winner wrong. I was right when it came to my concern about coaching. As expected, both quarterbacks played well. Anthony Allen and Rafael Little actually averaged about the same yards per carry, but UK was smart enough to establish the run. What a concept. You have a good running back. Use him. I wonder if UL would have done different if Brock Bolen and Sergio Spencer had played. At receiver, Harry Douglas was clearly the best receiver on the field. Mario Urrutia was not. He doesn't drop three (at least) passes (including one on the two yard line), it's a different game. Ironically, Keenan Burton wasn't the big play receiver I feared. He did a good job moving the ball, but Steve Johnson was the big play guy (although it's easy to get open when no one actually guards you). Tough to tell on offensive line. UL's was actually fine. They gave up three sacks, but it was usually Brohm holding the ball too long. On most plays, he had all day. Woodson got the ball out so quickly, the UK line wasn't tested.

What does it mean for the future? UK should be in good shape for the rest of the year. LSU and Florida look out of reach. I guarantee that Arkansas will run the ball against UK, so that could be a problem. Georgia and South Carolina are on the road so that could be an issue. However, Mississippi State, Vandy and even Tennessee look beatable. Win those, take care of Florida Atlantic, and pull off one more upset, you've got 8 wins. As for UL, I have no idea. If I had just seen the box score of the game, I wouldn't be bothered so much. UK played well. They got turnovers while UL didn't. Turnovers are game changers. Yet, watching the game, I cannot get over how unorganized UL's team looks this year compared to last year's. The defense was actually better compared to MTSU even with the last blown coverage. Still, I don't think UK is as good as West Virginia, Rutgers or even South Florida. Hell, Cincinnati even looks tough. If UL doesn't fix some of their game management problems, they could be in trouble.

UL Vs. UK

Well, I guess I have to make a prediction on the UL/UK football game. Past few years it has been pretty easy as UL was clearly the more talented team. Plus, they had the edge in coaching. A lot of people (even a lot of UL fans) didn’t like Bobby Petrino because he could be an ass. I liked him because he was shark. He was there to win, and that’s what he did. Even better, when we’d lose (only 9 times in four years), he didn’t make excuses. He just fixed the problem. Unfortunately, I’m not sure the new guy has that type of killer instinct. His record indicates that he’s a good coach, but I’m not sure he has that extra edge.

And as I said, the talent level isn’t as far apart as it has been in the past, especially in the offensive backfield. Mainly because Andre Woodson got good last year. I still think Brian Brohm is better than Woodson, but it’s not like night and day as it was two years ago. Woodson actually had the higher stats last year, but that was because UK was throwing a lot. UL had 35 rushing touchdowns (57 total) which wasn’t much fewer than UK’s 43 total (31 passing, 12 rushing). Still, a hot Woodson is definitely dangerous. Running backs are pretty even, just different. For UK, Rafael Little, Tony Dixon and Alfonso Smith are good. I think the one drawback to them is they are essentially the same type of runner. With UL, they’ve got pounders in Anthony Allen and Brock Bolen, and then speed backs in Sergio Spencer and George Stripling. Ironically, it was big back Allen who ran for 275 yards this past week. After that 275 yards, I would normally give UL the edge. However, Bolen and Spencer got dinged against MTSU, and UL’s new coach is highly secretive about injuries. If they don’t play, that gives the edge to UK.

Also on offense are the receivers. Another area that UK got better at last year. Keenan Burton is a stud, while Dicky Lyons has become pretty good. For UL, Mario Urrutia is like Burton. Tall and fast. Unlike Burton, the jump ball isn’t his forte. He gets the most press because of his pro potential, but Harry Douglas is actually the best receiver out of the four. He averaged over 18 yards per reception while going for 1265 yards. He can go deep or across the middle. UK has a preseason all-SEC tight end in Jacob Tamme, but I still give UL the edge with Gary Barnidge. Last year, he was in an offense that didn’t emphasize tight ends, yet he was only one reception behind Tamme but had 125 more yards and twice as many touchdowns (4-2). Now, he’s in an offense that does go to the tight end more, and he’s got 4 touchdowns already.

Then there is the offensive line. I give a huge edge to Louisville’s offensive line. They’ve got three full time starters returned from last year’s strong offensive line. Another player was last year’s top reserve and a part time starter. They’ve allowed no sacks this year while blowing open holes so that Allen gained 275 yards. On the other side is UK’s line. It wasn’t that good last year (gave up 39 sacks). The other problem is the five combined for 16 starts before this season. However, 12 were by Garry Williams. Guard Jason Leger had three last year, but he started the season as a defensive tackle. New tackle Justin Jefferies was playing defensive line last year, and Zipp Duncan was a tight end. Starting center Eric Scott got one start last year, but the year before, he was a tight end. That’s not to say they won’t be good, because plenty of good offensive linemen started at other positions. However, getting good with such a quick change isn’t going to be easy. They’ve already given up six sacks in two games.

Now, defense has suddenly become interesting. Before the season, I would have clearly listed UL. UK had a terrible defense last year, while UL’s was their best in years. UL did lose some people (Amobi Okoye was a first round pick), but all of their starters and many of their reserves played last year. The defensive coordinator stayed, so I rationally thought defense wouldn’t be an issue. Then Middle Tenn. rolled up 555 yards on them in week 2. Not exactly the performance I was expecting. On the other hand, UK gave up over 300 yards rushing to Kent State. If not for poor clock management, a dumb interception and an unforced fumble by Kent, UK could have easily been down three touchdowns in the first half. Now, both teams regrouped in the second half and allowed only one more touchdown, but it does raise the issue of 77-73 shootout. As a UL fan, I do have one thing to hold onto. These guys have performed well defensively in the past, so the problems could be correctable. UK struggled defensively last year, and while they may have improved, how much?

It is an interesting game. With it being the third game of the year, I should have more information before making a prediction, but the defensive turds from week two actually make it harder. UK’s offensive improvement last year and UL’s defensive regression this year add to the problem. The fact that it’s played at Commonwealth Stadium certainly makes a UK win more possible. However, I still think UL is going to pull it out. Unlike a lot of rapid Louisville fans, I’m not going to predict a four touchdown win, but I would certainly feel comfortable taking UL and give the 6 ½ point spread.

College Football

After watching UL hang 73 points on Murray State (it could easily have been 100), I was originally going to say that you can't take away much info when a BCS level team beats a I-AA team (now stupidly called Football Championship Subdivision by the NCAA). UL and UK fans were going to have to wait until next week when they play Middle Tenn and Kent State respectively to really begin to get an idea how good they can be. Then division I-AA Appalachian State goes to the University of Michigan and beats the fifth ranked Wolverines in front of 110,000 people. I'm sure soon-to-be-ex-head-coach Lloyd Carr is bitching at his athletic director wanting to know why they traded an opening game with Vanderbilt to one with Appalachian State. In fact, if I was App. State, I would cash that $400,000 check that Michigan paid them for the game before Michigan puts a stop payment for it. In theory, big teams pay small teams to come play them so they can get an easy win. Sounds like App. State breached the unwritten language. So, I have to change my opinion. You can tell something when a "top" I-A team loses to any I-AA team. Michigan sucks.

I remember Appalachian State from when my father was in the military science department at Tenn-Chattanooga which was a Southern Conference rival of App. State. They always had good teams, but that was for a I-AA squad. Schools in I-AA can only give 63 scholarships (I-A can give up to 85) and just don't have the exposure to get the top quality players. This was a point completely lost on Lou Holtz who is without a doubt the worst commentator in college football. He tried to say Michigan shouldn't be dropped in the polls because they were just having a bad day and there's lots of parity in college football. I would have dropped Michigan out of the top 25 even if they had pulled out a last second win. There's a certain amount of parity among conferences, but there is no parity between Division I-A and I-AA. Michigan has more money, better recruits and more players. While I wouldn't bet on Appalachian State beating Michigan in more than two out of ten games, it was really strange to see that App. State simply looked faster than Michigan. The Wolverines just lost and it shows that deep down, Michigan sucks.

Even stupider was Holtz and some others I heard on the radio or TV who weren't sure if this was the biggest upset they'd ever seen. One radio guy referred to it as "the upset of the day and possibly the season". Way to go out on a limb. No I-AA team had ever beaten a ranked I-A team. Ever. This was the fifth ranked team that had a bunch of top players returning because they wanted to win a national championship. Fortunately, even with the bizarre BCS system in college football, a suck ass team doesn't play for the national championship. Except Ohio State last year which lends credence to my theory that the Big 10 is consistently the most overrated conference in football. Still, they shouldn't be losing to the Appalachian State's of the world. So, yes, it was certainly the biggest upset of my lifetime.

I didn't see what Holtz had to say about another traditional "power", Notre Dame, getting their asses handed to them by a supposedly inferior team like Georgia Tech. I can't stand his voice or the stupidity that often emanates from it. I think the fact that Notre Dame scored only 3 points (at home) with an "offensive genius" as a head coach can only mean one thing: Notre Dame sucks, too. That Michigan-Notre Dame game in two weeks is looking like must-miss TV.

Some might call me heartless (although that wouldn't explain the stabbing chest pains when I eat a Grand Slam breakfast), but I kind of got sick of the whole healing powers of Virginia Tech football after that shooting last spring. I understand big group events can be cathartic, and Tech football is a major campus institution. However, the shooting was almost five months ago and there were massive campus rallies after that. I guess my biggest problem was ESPN beating the story to death. They made it seem like not rooting for a Virginia Tech win would just plain mean. The trouble with rooting for Virginia Tech is that another major sports story involved Tech's most famous football alumni, Michael Vick. Plus, Viriginia Tech served as a long time enabler to multiple offender Marcus Vick for quite some time.

Tennessee's success in getting blown out by Cal shows why SEC teams really don't like to go on the road against good teams. Actually, it explains why they don't go on the road against good teams too often. Outside of Tennessee and LSU, the only SEC teams who routinely face good teams on the road are UK, Florida, Georgia and South Carolina, but only because they are practically forced to play in-state, out-of-conference rivals every year. It makes it easier to claim your conference is as strong as the NFC South when you only play each other and a bunch of scrubs then get confused when you go 3-3 in bowl games like 2005.

The fact that Auburn had to reach down to escape Kansas State at home probably means SEC teams are going to also try to get out of playing home games against even decent teams. They needed the crowd noise and home town officiating (if Florida can't get a call at Auburn, Kansas State certainly can't) to squeak out this win. Of course, Auburn has a rep for not going on the road to face tough teams. Not surprising, they've only had four out-of-conference road games in the past 10 years. The only game out of those four that they won was at Virginia in 1997. Auburn also has a rep for scheduling good teams (ie Fla St, Miami) and canceling later. UL called about Auburn having an opening on their schedule this year, but Auburn refused to agree to a return trip to Louisville so we passed on it. I've watched Tennessee, Miami, Florida State, Penn State, Texas, Texas A&M and other big programs play in Louisville (some at the old crappy fairgrounds stadium), but Auburn is "too good" to play at Louisville. Maybe I would be more impressed with them if they had won more than one SEC title since I graduated from high school. Ironically, that year they went undefeated, but missed out on playing for the BCS Championship because their out-of-conference cupcakes hurt their strength of schedule so they were behind other undefeated teams.

Even though Michigan lost to a I-AA team, I still don't think much can be learned from UL and UK beating up Murray and EKU. To begin with, EKU is decent, but they haven't even won their conference since 1997. Murray won it in 2002, but have been in a slide since. So, neither is near as good as App. State. Some have tried to find issues with both squads based on their first game. Reporters have made the point that Murray used short passes on their only two drives that went anywhere, so if UK (who likes those passes) had played them, they would have eaten that up. Well, is anyone stupid enough to think that UL would have played the same defense against UK? I didn't see a single blitz or even much stunting. Coaches don't just shut the offensive playbook when they face an overmatched opponent. They don't show much on defense either. By the same token, UK's biggest offensive concern is the inexperience on offensive line. Giving up a couple of sacks early like they did against EKU could indicate a season long problem. However, while I think the line is a big question mark for them, I can't say lack of ability was a bigger problem than overlooking a lesser opponent. So, I'll wait until after next week's game before doing any analysis of these two teams.

Major News

The Democratic National Committee is cracking down on Florida for moving their primary into January when DNC rules state that only Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina can have their primary/caucus before February 5. The Republican National Committee could follow. I think it would be rather funny if the conventions rejected the Florida delegates. Funny and quite stupid. I’ve always thought the primary schedule was borderline retarded. Of those four states, South Carolina is the only one in the top 30 in population, and it is only 24th. Nominees are often decided very early in primaries because front runner status means more media attention and campaign donations. Should a bunch of pig farmers really have that much say in who the nominee favorite is? In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever voted in a meaningful primary because Kentucky’s primary election is in May when the race has been long decided. Plus, Donna Brazile mentions that one reason states want to move up is campaign and media spending that is brought in, but why should Iowa and New Hampshire be the ones to get an economic benefit from political campaigns?

The main reason I believe it’s stupid to take Florida’s delegates is because they have so many. Only California, New York and Texas have more. In fact, it has more than Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina combined. By not seating delegates, you have two problems. The first problem is candidates skipping Florida during the primary season. Presidential voting has been tight there recently so Florida votes are valuable. If your candidates won't get delegates in Florida, they won’t campaign there during the primary. Then they lose valuable face time for the general election. Not smart. It's especially dumb for Democrats because they are almost certainly going to win New York and California's electoral votes anyway. Florida can be a toss-up. By taking that state out, an advantage would have to go to the other party's eventual nominee.

The other problem is if there is a close primary race. Suppose no one runs away with it and two candidates are fairly close, but the second place candidate won Florida's "beauty contest" quite handily and would have won the nomination with those delegates. I wonder if there would be controversy? Well, duh. The loser will want the delegates seated (do I hear the word disenfranchisement?). The winner will insist that the only reason he/she/it lost Florida was because he/she/it knew the delegates wouldn't count so why campaign there. No matter what happens, someone's supporters will be pissed, and they may not wholeheartedly support the nominee. Whoever wins the nomination for the Democrats will want Bill Clinton to campaign for them. If Hillary is the one shafted, will his anger that she's always home keep him from supporting Obama? If Obama is the one screwed, that could affect the black vote. No, they won't for Republicans. The Democratic Party could run a Klansman and get the black vote. Actually, they do every six years in West Virginia. So, the Republicans won't be the recipient of more black votes, but the Democratic nominee would certainly be hurt by low black turnout. So, does it really makes sense to take a chance on these type of problems just so Iowa gets the first vote.

I hadn't planned on watching CNN's God's Warriors series, because Christine Amanpour is an idiot. Plus, comparing Christian and Jewish fundamentalists to Islamic fundamentalists is laughable. I guess there's some Jewish terrorists from the West Bank settlements, but I can think of one guys shooting up a mosque and another killing Yitzhak Rabin. Recent Christian terrorism consisted of ........well, Timothy McVeigh makes it hard since he was really a practicing agnostic. As for Islamic terrorism, where to begin? Two seperate World Trade Center bombings, the London subway, the Madrid trains.........actually, I don't think blogspot gives me enough memory to list them all. However, it's one thing for me to rip CNN for...well, anything, but the surprising part of God's Warriors is that MSNBC criticized the program's lack of objectivity. Let that sink in. Keith Olbermann/Chris Matthews' MSNBC (i.e. the most liberal news network) is criticizing CNN for a lack of objectivity. Let's be honest. Why would anyone expect it to be anything but a whitewash for Islamic terrorism? For one, Amanpour has always carried water for Islamic fundamentalists. Why stop now? Two, reporters know as well as anyone what criticizing Islam will get you. Look at the Washington Post. They refused to run an "Opus" comic strip that makes fun of radical Muslims. As noted, they didn't have a problem with one that made fun of Jerry Falwell. Does anyone think they made a point of asking staff members who were Baptist (they probably would have to leave the newsroom to find a practicing Baptist employee) whether or not they would be offended by the Falwell strip? Of course not. Baptists don't have a history of driving cars full of dynamite to people's front steps.

Shane Ragland pleads guilty to second-degree manslaughter in the shooting death of Trent DiGiuro. A man was slaughtered. Of course, when you're accused of sniper assassination of a specific target, I don't see how it's "negligent". How incompetent is Commonwealth's Attorney Ray Larson? First he screwed up the original trial when a prosecutor improperly mentioned Ragland refused to testify which led to a new trial. Oh, and picked an expert witness who perjured herself. Now, the decision has been made to let Ragland plea out. What did Larson get? The same thing he would have gotten with an acquittal in a retrial - a walk. Oh, and an admission of guilt that rings somewhat hollow when I have to agree with Ragland's attorney that he pled guilty because it's smart to take a free pass over the possibility of life.

So, why give the plea deal? Larson explains that he wasn't going to make the main witness testify again. That would be Ragland's ex-girlfriend who says he admitted to her that he killed DiGiuro because he was blackballed by a fraternity (ex-girlfriend? How stupid is that?). Why didn’t she want to testify again? Larson says she was afraid for her life. Is it any safer with Ragland walking the streets? Actually, if Larson thinks Ragland is a threat to people’s life, what is he thinking making a deal to put the guy back on the street? For public safety, shouldn’t he be trying his hardest to put Ragland away for life? The only reason I can see this deal being made is if Larson didn’t think he could win and is simply protecting his conviction rate.

The Deuce was Juiced. Too easy. I did want to make a point about the steroid issue that is now surrounding Tim Couch. I’ve said many times before that sports need to clean up steroids. It’s not fair that players who don’t want to take the risk feel compelled to because they know other players are. I don’t really care what Couch is doing now since he’s been a Floridian for several years. However, I take issue with him treating me like a moron when he says he would have flunked a drug test taken in July when he signed with Jacksonville if he had been using. That’s just insulting my intelligence. The article clearly shows his last regimen would have ended in late January. Of the steroids mentioned, all would have been out of his system in three months so they wouldn't be detected when he signed contract. And there isn't a piss test for HGH yet, so that's completely undetectable by an NFL drug test. Picking up 35 pounds while dropping your body fat from 17.5 percent to 4 percent in that amount of time just doesn't seem probable. He wanted back in the league and probably took a shortcut. Personally, I think the NFL should make him the poster boy for steroids. They can hold him up to high school kids and show that steroids won't necessarily make you any good.

Senator Larry Craig (R-SD) was charged with disorderly conduct for trolling an airport bathroom looking for gay sex. Thankfully, he says he's not gay, and I'm sure a lot of straight guys cruise the airport bathrooms and know the universal come-on. It was interesting to see a liberal like Chris Matthews describe homosexuality as "deviant". My question is how public toilets became pickup joints? I guess since my clumsy advances are directed towards women, it would be difficult to act inconspicuous following them into the can. Yet, even if I could, what's the attraction? One thing I discovered a long time ago was that public bathrooms often have what I like to call a stench. Not what I really consider a turnon.

Mike Vick apologized and said he found Jesus. That was quick. I’m assuming he didn’t mean some Mexican convict named Jesus who will be his cellmate. I thought I was through with Vick, but then people started believing the apology. It was one thing for morons like Keyshawn Johnson and Emmitt “I can’t speak proper English” Smith to take buy his line on Monday Night Countdown. They aren’t very smart. However, when Mike Greenburg actually said he believed Vick was truly contrite, I knew something was wrong. How stupid can people be? This is the P/R scandal to the letter. When caught doing something you aren’t supposed: 1) apologize; 2) act contrite and 3) get religion. Paris Hilton would be so proud.

Then we get the “he made a mistake” and “used poor judgment”. Poor judgment leading to a mistake is generally poor judgment leading to an unintended consequence. Greenburg compared him to Leonard Little who drove drunk and killed a woman in a car wreck. Now, I do agree with Greenburg that Little wasn’t punished nearly enough by the courts (3 months in jail, 4 years probation) or the NFL (8 games). However, Little made a mistake as a result of poor judgment which had the unintended consequence of someone dying. I’m pretty sure he didn’t plan on killing anyone, but he did go to Tennessee so that isn’t a given. Vick intended to run a dog fighting ring. The only unintended part for him was getting caught and prosecuted. Pardon me if I seem a bit cynical about this miraculous transformation, but I find it hard to believe that someone who has been heavily involved in dog fighting for years would have a sudden epiphany that it was wrong.

Weekly News Report Part II

Lot of snake stories recently. Some poor schmuck wants to go flying in his plane and discovers a gray rat snake "licking" him. Now, I looked up this perverted snake, but I couldn't find anything about its tendency to "lick" things. Personally, I would have thrown it into the propeller. In Albany, two pythons got taken to the animal shelter after being spotted slithering down the street. Rest assured if I had been the one to spot an eight foot python in the middle of the road, the phone call would have been requesting someone to come out and pick up some roadkill. You might notice from the previous sentences that I'm not a big fan of snakes. In fact, I have no problem with the drunk Irishman (redundancy alert) biting the head off his girlfriend's pet snake. I don't know why the writer felt the need to mention he was drunk. He headbutted his girlfriend (twice) and ate her pet snake. Doing that while sober would have been news.

At least he didn't eat a puffer fish. In Thailand, some people are dying because potentially poisonous puffer fish is being sold as salmon. No mention whether or not it actually tastes like salmon. Just gives me another reason not to eat fish. The main reason being the taste. Secondary reason being the smell. I always liked what PJ O'Rourke wrote about fish in The Bachelor Home Companion. "You have to wonder about a food that everybody agrees is great except sometimes it tastes like what it is."

Speaking of tastes like what it is, some drunk Serb was found half-eaten in a bear cage at the zoo. No mention whether the bears claimed he tasted like chicken. And these bears probably don't crap in the woods.

There are certain momentous occasions where I remember where I was when I learned of something. On the personal side, I'll always remember where I was when I found out my grandfather died. Overall, I don't think I'll forget watching the second plane fly into the World Trade Center tower. I remember where I was when I found out about the Challenger exploding, but mainly because my junior high science teacher told us, and he had tried out for that teacher-in-space program. I even remember where I was when Magic Johnson announced he had AIDS. I was trying to take a nap on a lounge couch, but some jerkass friend of mine kept prattling on about how he would always remember where he was when he heard this which has caused me to remember it even though I really didn't care that much. That said, I can't believe a poll found that 60% of Americans remember where they were when they heard Princess Diana was dead. Brits I could understand. They are stupid about their royalty, but Americans? Why? She was either a harpy shrew who gained a loyal following strictly through a loveless marriage to some dorky prince. Or she was a beloved icon who used her position to engage in great works of charity (although it's easy to be charitable when you marry great wealth and don't have a real job). Either way, the basis of her celebrity is the fact that she married someone whose only basis for celebrity was the womb he fell out of. Sorry, just can't get worked up about it.

Speaking of Brits not pulling their weight, David Beckham is sitting out the LA Galaxy's next game because he's tired. Let's see. He joined the Galaxy over a month ago, and in that time, he's started five games and subbed about 20 minutes in two others. It's amazing he's survived. Oh, and the team only won one game. Really earning that $250 million.

In other sports news, the Texas Rangers scored 30 runs to beat the Baltimore Orioles by 27. Not surprising since the Rangers have Chuck Norris. It was the first time a team had scored 30 runs in over a hundred years, but I can't get too worked up about two crappy teams doing anything. The saddest thing was how stupid the save rule is in baseball. A relief pitcher got credit for a save by pitching the last three innings, even though he had a 10 run lead when he came in.

A Pennsylvania woman was charged with paying for hookers for her 12 year old nephew who apparently wasn't taking his father's death real well. Kind of makes the presents I used to get from my aunts seem kind of lame. A few things stood out in this story. One, they didn't identify his mother to protect his identity, but they put his aunt's name and picture in it. My guess is a lot of people who know her, know him. Second, she took him to two different places. Horny little bastard. Third, she had $80 for two hookers. To be honest, I don't really know the going rate, but when that first grade teacher got busted for prostitution in Lexington several years back, she was bringing a friend and the price was $360. So, either he was getting a child's discount or being taken to some skanks.

You know there was a time people considered Rosie O'Donnell "the queen of nice". Of course, some people thought she was a funny comedian. I never thought either was accurate, but seems to be some corroborating evidence that I was right about "the queen of nice" thing. It's an old article, but she told a cancer survivor that people who lie "get cancer". How inspiring. And as medically improbable as the old hairy palms diagnosis. Yet, people are surprised that Rosie can't get along with so many others.

Fortunately for the woman, she didn't live in England where they have some of the lowest cancer survival rates in Europe. Actually, the most interesting thing about the article was the fact that the writeup didn't mention the United States at all, but when you look at the chart, we have a higher survival rate for cancer than any European country, regardless of gender. Gee, I wonder if Michael Moore had that little nugget in Sicko.

When he read about Travis Henry having nine kids by nine different women, Shawn Kemp is believed to have said, "Damn, that's a lot of kids."

Weekly News Report

Should probably try to get as much on here before football season starts (Thursday Aug 30 UL beats down Murray State to open the college season). Once the pro season starts I'll have to spend too much time updating my semi-pornographic fantasy football site. But until then.....

Speaking of football, the Michael Vick story has almost come to a close (pending sentence). He entered a plea of guilty to conspiracy to run an interstate dogfighting ring. There were reports that he wouldn't confess to gambling or killing dogs. Except he did. Sort of indirectly. He can say all he wants that he didn't place bets or receive money from purses, but I think anyone not completely stupid (which does leave a lot of people out) sees that for the B.S. that it is. He admitted to bankrolling it (gee, I wonder if anyone pointed out that it was obvious Vick was the only person involved with enough money to run that operation?), so who really believes that he was putting up that kind of money with no expectation of a return on his investment? I can believe he's a poor businessman, but not so stupid that he didn't expect to make money on it. Actually, that makes him look worse. If he was getting money back, at least there would be a monetary factor. Without it, he's just getting his jollies with animal cruelty. It's obvious he's avoiding the gambling question in the hopes that the NFL won't suspend him for consorting with gamblers, but I have to think it's worse to finance an illegal gambling ring than to simply place a bet at one.

Yet, more stupids come out to (sort of) defend Vick. One schmuck is actually ripping the players union for not standing up more for Vick. I must have missed something. Vick's big problem wasn't an NFL suspension. It was a federal investigation. Apparently this doofus is unaware that unions typically don't get involved in non-work related criminal issues of its members. I'm sure every time some Ford assembly line worker gets drunk, beats his wife and molests the dog next door, the UAW shows up to defend him. I can't quite figure out the belief that the NFLPA should always be adversarial with the league. Considering the NFL is by far the most popular and revenue generating professional sport in country, cooperation seems to work. I think the union is smart enough to realize that damaging the image of the league by defending the occasional thug at the expense of other players just isn't smart. A thuggish image sure doesn't seem to have done the NBA any good.

Then there is the jerk-ass from the Atlanta NAACP. He thinks the NFL should let Vick back in once he serves his time. Actually, he goes beyond that as he thinks Vick's sponsors should stick with him. We've now reached a new level of stupid. I must have missed the amendment to the Constitution guaranteeing the right to play pro football. Oh, and sponsors should never take into account someone's image before letting them hawk their products. We also got the "hunting equivalent" argument. Now, I'm not a hunter, but I've known several and the point of hunting is normally to make a quick kill. It's a little different than putting two animals in a ring to maim and torture each other for my viewing enjoyment. The fun part of this was the national NAACP didn't quite agree which led an MSNBC moron to write a column about Vick splitting the black leadership. The fun part is the correction block where the writer mentions an earlier version linked to what was thought to be Al Sharpton's blog, but turned out to be a "hoax". Actually, it was a parody blog site (fellow bloggers on it included Kim Jong-il) which was very obviously a parody site, and the "post" was too ridiculous for anyone with any sense to believe. If I was that guy, I wouldn't go to work for a month.

Well, on to other stuff. A study just came out that says dinosaurs could outrun David Beckham. Can we get a dinosaur to run him down and eat him? That would certainly be more entertaining than soccer. Which in Brazil is a macho, straight sport according to a judge there. I'm not saying the guy is gay, but when you go by the name Richarlyson, questions could be asked. I think the important question from the article is "Should the fact that someone poses for gay magazines indicate possible homosexual tendencies?"

Another story got me excited when I read that women prefer cavemen, but then I found out that they were talking about guys who look like cavemen, not men who act like cavemen. Which reminded me of an older article where cavemen preferred blond women. The reason was because blond women were mutants. Brunettes, feel free to use that info.

Sadly for Big Jon, Jenna Jameson has announced her retirement from porno movies, and to prove it, she's had her breast implants removed. Not sure she's as interesting without the porn career. I guess I won't be buying the follow-up to How To Make Love Like A Porn Star (especially since I didn't buy the first book). Shouldn't that be a two line book? Lay on back. Open legs. Maybe she'll be replaced by China Barbie unless Mattel wins their lawsuit and she has to change her name. In the name of research, I took a look at her site, and she didn't look too much like Barbie. Or, fortunately, Chyna from the WWF whose foray into adult entertainment is most likely a crime against nature. I'll let others view it and decide while I avoid that video like the plague. One thing I noticed from the China Barbie article was she described herself as "cordial" which doesn't seem to be the best terminology to be used to entice people to your porno site. Actually, Barbie and porn should go together. Barbie gives girls an unrealistic idea about the female body. Porn gives them an unrealistic idea about the size of male genitalia. At least, that's what I always say.

Speaking of male genitalia, a festival dwarf in England glued his junk to a vacuum cleaner. That alone should tell the story, but it doesn't. He was embarrassed to go to the hospital with the vacuum cleaner stuck on his johnson. So, your act includes wearing a vacuum on your hog, but being seen at the hospital that way instead of at some wackjob festival is what's embarrassing? We must always protect the dignity of the dwarf humping the vacuum.

You're tax dollars at work. Well, not really. Federal wildlife people are spending $27 million to set up a habitat for the ivory billed woodpecker. That money is being spent even though the bird may not actually exist with only one possible sighting in three years. I would have thought they could find more by following the maniacal laughter, but maybe not. I guess I should be happy about one thing. God knows how much money they would be spending on this if they actually knew there were ivory billed woodpeckers out there.

Final thought for the day: "As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

NFL News

Well, I wonder if any major pro football news hit the wire today. The Broncos traded an underachieving player to an underachieving team. By underachieving, I mean lousy. The Dolphins have picked Trent Green as their starting quarterback over some guy named Cleo Lemon who may or may not have a psychic hotline in the offseason. I'm sure the fact they gave up a draft pick and gave Green a $13.5 contract had nothing to do with the decision. The Rams haven't made a decision on their starting center.

Oh, some guy named Vick is planning to plead guilty to some dogfighting thing. To tell the truth, I was very curious how Vick would handle the plea offer. Common sense says take the plea. A bunch of dead dogs are dug up on your property and seven people are going to testify against you. Your only real shot of winning is to point out that the people testifying against you are scumbags. Unfortunately, some of them are long time friends, so it's hard to call them scumbags without people thinking you're a scumbag too. Especially when you really are a scumbag. So, take the plea and serve a couple of years instead of getting sentenced to a longer term when you are convicted.

So, why did it take so long to take the deal? Easy. With Vick, you've got the football contract issue. If he doesn't play this year due to a prison sentence, the Falcons can get signing bonus money back from him and void his contract. And that's just a start. Rumor has it that the feds offered a recommendation of 12 to 18 months if Vick pleads guilty, but the judge can make it longer, and word is the judge is a hard ass on sentencing. I could easily see an 18 month sentence which will kill two seasons of football. Add to it the almost certain year long suspension the NFL would give him, and you've lost three years of football for Vick. Considering the fact that Vick relies on his speed and athleticism for his career, a three year absence will hurt. Working out in prison normally consists of walking around an exercise yard, lifting weights or making weaker prisoners your bitch. He won't be able to work on his speed or passing, and he already sucks as a passer. And he'll probably take up smoking because that's prison currency. So, with his one "unique" abilities eroded by time and carcinogens, teams would be hesitant to sign him simply for football reasons.

So, why take the deal? Because he was going to lose the case, and if he didn't take the plea, they would have added more charges which would have most likely included gambling charges. Those would weigh more heavily with the NFL than dogfighting. Take the plea and act contrite. Hope the judge gives you a year or less. Hope the NFL runs your suspension concurrent with your prison time. Get out in time to sign a new contract before your speed goes and you have only your laughably inept passing ability to depend on. Plus, you are also rehabilitating your reputation. As others have noticed, Vick isn't just taking a plea, he's already accepted responsibility, so he's admitted to doing it. He's hoping the public will accept his contrition and give him a second chance. Public gives you a second chance, and teams won't be afraid to sign you.

Will it work? I really don't think so. For one, I think three years out of football is much more likely than one. It wouldn't surprise me if the NFL suspension is longer because Vick lied to the commissioner earlier this year by telling him he wasn't involved. Plus, running an illegal gambling ring really has to be seen as a major violation of the NFL's gambling policy. I also don't think forgiveness will be what Vick gets from the plea. In fact, I think it will be the opposite. If his agreement admits to killing under performing dogs, I think he will be toxic to any team when he gets out. Defenders won't be able to say he was screwed by the system. He admitted. I think he was highly overrated already. Add the declining skills and I can't see any team that wasn't absolutely desperate for a quarterback taking a chance. People love their dogs. Who is going to alienate a large chunk of their fan base for a quarterback with a career 53.8 completion percentage? PETA won't let it go. Vick's been their biggest fund raising tool ever. You'll have to hire extra security because of the nutsacks from the wackjob wing of the animal rights movement. They've attempted to firebomb eye doctors at UCLA for using animal tests to attempt to cure eye disease. What will they do to some guy killing dogs for fun and profit? I still can't believe someone would be dumb enough to risk a humongous contract just to fight dogs. There's dumb, moronic, stupid, incredibly stupid, completely retarded, but Vick has surpassed that level of brain dead.

Fortunately, Vick isn't the only NFL story out there. Personally, I would like to discuss how the Steelers will do this year under a new coach, how many Bengals will get arrested by week four, how many other pregnant chicks will claim Tom Brady is the father of their unborn child and will New England shills blame his paternity leave for the Patriots not winning the Super Bowl this year? Or I could write about how good my fantasy football team should be or how bad Phil's will be. Actually, contrary to popular belief, I'm not a huge hardcore fantasy football freak. Ask anyone in the league how I feel about the trophy that certain members of the league bought. I do like fantasy football, but I've discovered there are some really sick bastards out there involved in fantasy sports. According to an ESPN The Magazine article, there are at least four (pay) websites that will adjudicate disputes in a league. Obviously, the TRU Fantasy Football League does not need such a service because I rule with an iron hand, and I'm always right.

I had high hopes for the Monday Night Football broadcast when ESPN kicked Joe Theismann to the curb and brought in Ron Jaworski. Jaws has been fine, but unfortunately Tony Kornheiser is still in the booth. I really prefer my in game commentary to have a point and not sound like it's on a third grade level. Of course, ESPN screwed up the Monday Night countdown the same way. They got rid of loud, stupid and irritating Michael Irvin and replaced him with loud, stupid and irritating Keyshawn Johnson. Then they threw in Emmitt Smith who is apparently so dumb that he listed seventh year veteran Travis Henry as a rookie he thinks will make an impact.

Not that other networks are immune from gross stupidity. On NBC, Cris Collinsworth and Tiki Barber declared they could only come up with ten quarterbacks in the league that they would trade Eli Manning for. My first thought was they may have a point because the NFL is awash in mediocre quarterbacks. Then I started listing ones I would definitely trade Manning for. Off hand, there's the other Manning, Brady, Roethlisberger, Palmer, Brees, Bulger, Hasselbeck (Matt version), and Rivers. That's eight off the top of my head. Vince Young and Matt Leinart have more upside, so throw them in. That's ten. So, does that mean they are right? Not really. To begin with, they were defending Eli by saying there were only ten, but he was a number one overall pick which means there shouldn't be ten players who are worth trading for him. Plus, when you talk trade, you have to factor other things in. Chad Pennington, Alex Smith, JP Losman and even Rex Grossman are on about the same level as Eli so the Giants wouldn't be willing to admit a mistake and trade him away for them. Plus, guys like Brett Favre and Steve McNair are probably better than Eli, but their age means they aren't tradeworthy for a quarterback Eli's age. Hell, I would throw Jon Kitna and Trent Green in that category. So, it's still safe to safe Eli sucks as a number one pick.

Random News & Notes - Completely Random

French commandos stormed the compound of some gay pedophile cult to rescue a 12 year old boy that the nutsacks thought was the next messiah. The head boy-humper was on the run for three years even though he lived in a compound on an island the size of Louisville. Oh well, at least France can claim their first military victory since the Franco-Austrian War of 1859.

I really hope John Edwards manages to stay in the Democratic primary race. Everyone else running for president this year (for next year) is just doing your standard flip-flopping, but Edwards' level of hypocrisy is simply astounding as well as entertaining. I thought a man who just built a mega-mansion declaring poverty as his main issue was pretty bad, but Edwards recently challenged other Democratic contenders to give back any money they got from anyone employed by Fox News Channel's parent company New Corp (because Edwards wants to be president for all Americans). Yet, Edwards refuses to give back the $800,000 he received from HarperCollins for a book he "wrote". Why do I find this hypocritical? HarperCollins is a part of News Corp. Apparently, in the fantasy world that Edwards resides in, $1000 from low level Fox employees into campaign coffers is tainted, but high six figures directly from the company into his pocket is perfectly fine. Does he have any shame at all? Actually, I already knew he didn't.

Why is Flavor Flav suddenly so popular again?

After reading this article, I have decided to become an environmentalist. This guy is claiming that walking to the store causes more global warming than driving. To be honest, I find this as full of crap as most environmental hysteria, but anything that says I should be a couch potato is OK in my book.

Tucson is experimenting with a program to pay high school students $25 a week to stay in school. And study some. However, as much as they've dumbed down high school, it shouldn't be hard to make some coin. This program is borderline stupid. By borderline stupid, I mean completely retarded. If these students aren't smart enough to figure out finishing high school is in their best interest, too bad. The world needs ditch diggers. I have a better idea. Fine students who drop out. They pissed away a publicly paid education, so they should pay it back.

Pearl Jam is upset that AT&T "censored" some anti-George Bush lyrics on a cybercast of their concert, and they blame media consolidation. You know, I might take their complaints about media consolidation more seriously if it wasn't for the fact that they were being sponsored and broadcast by AT&T which is one of the largest media companies in the country. Or I might take them more seriously if Eddie Vedder wasn't a whiny, pretentious prick.

A Minnesota man paid an unlicensed surgeon to cut off his balls because they pained him. Ouch. One thing confuses me. It says that regular medical people wouldn't remove them. Why not? I've always thought that sex change operations should be illegal, because they are doing complete body mutilation for something that is basically a mental problem. Doctors are willing to do that, but they won't remove rather small, unnecessary (he's 62) body parts to relieve chronic pain. Does that make sense?

A British teacher's union wants Youtube shut down because of cyber-bullying. Let's see. Google paid well over $1 billion for Youtube, and some whiny teachers think it should be shut down? Does going into the education field kill brain cells? Okay, cyber-bullying is not a good thing, but shutting down a billion dollar company will do what? Probably make kids go back to old fashioned bullying where wimps get their ass beat at school.

Maybe they should be spending more time checking on important things. Like whether the pipes are mixed up and sending toilet water to the sinks. It's not used toilet water, but in Japan, there are different grades of water and water to be flushed will make you sick.

I saw one of the oddest things. Bravo was showing Eddie Murphy: Raw, and it was edited for language. Which means every third word was silent.

I didn't like Tom Daschle when he was in the Senate, and I certainly don't like him now that he's a lobbyist. However, his latest email decrying Republican attempts to win Tim Johnson's Senate seat is pretty galling. Yes, it's sad that Johnson almost died from a brain hemorrhage, but it's ludicrous to think Republicans shouldn't run a candidate for his seat because of it. I've never heard the theory that illness protects a seat. I guess the Republicans shouldn't run anyone against Robert Byrd because he's old and could die soon. Actually, Johnson has missed the past eight months, and who knows if he'll fully recover. It seems a worse thing to do would be running someone in poor health just to protect a seat.

Microsoft is using a hot model as a poster girl in an effort to change the image of the computer industry from "geeky" to "sexy" (take my word for it, it ain't happening). Their concern is that not enough students are going into computer fields, and the reason they give is that it's "not one of the sexier professions." Yeah, that's the reason. I call BS on this one. People in Australia aren't going into IT professions because those jobs are being sent to low cost countries. Microsoft is probably just covering themselves with this little stunt. They can say they need to outsource because there aren't any IT graduates available, and then they'll send more jobs to China and India to save a buck while Bill Gates pontificates about other things being more important than money. Kind of funny about India. The big complaint there is western big box retail stores moving into the country and hurting local stores. Guess they didn't realize global markets run both ways.

British fire chiefs are defending their actions in responding to an emergency call to rescue a pet duck from a drain. Now, I'm not going to be heartless and say they should have let it die (or killed and eaten it) to save resources, but why the Hell did it take three crews and a rescue boat to get a duck out of a drain?

I heard a little blurb on the news that the Counting Crows recently got back together. I'll be honest. I wasn't that big a fan, and in fact, Mr. Jones is the only song of their's that I remember. And as far as songs titled Mr. Jones, I would have to definitely put their's behind The Maverick's and quite possibly The Psychedelic Furs'. So, the only interest I had in the story was no interest until they mentioned that the Counting Crows would be playing Farm Aid this year. Farm Aid is still around? Can someone tell me why a fund raiser is still needed for one of the most heavily subsidized industries that has been making record income in recent years? How do farmers go under? They can get all kinds of federal money if something goes wrong even if they have subsidized insurance. They can get federal drought aid without having a drought, government handouts even when profitable and free money without actually planting anything. So, why are a bunch musicians wanting me to donate to help someone in an industry with an average household income over $80,000? Funny thing is they aren't. Instead, now they spend the bulk of their money on other things like "teaching urbanites about where food comes from." That's stupid. Food comes from Kroger. So, is Willie Nelson singing "Whiskey River" and following up with an in-depth lecture on crop rotation? Actually, with Willie Nelson fans, their main agricultural interest does not involve an edible crop. Another thing they are pushing is organic farming which means they are taking sides between different types of farming. Certainly they wouldn't pit farmers against each other. Would they? I doubt this is included in the brochure.

A woman auditioning for American Idol went into labor while waiting her turn. Bet she hit the high notes. I bet it sucked to be in line next to her when her water broke.

Too bad. The Weekly World News is halting its print edition. It was at least as accurate as Reuters.

A man is suing McDonald's after he became sick due to eating a Quarter Pounder. Not for the obvious reason that McDonald's has really lousy food, but because they didn't hold the cheese that he was allergic to. Now, on one hand I think McDonald's should help pay some medical costs because he did ask them to hold the cheese. However, $10 million? Give me friggin break. His attorney said he told three people he was allergic to cheese, but two of them either never see the food (pay window) or get it after it's been wrapped up (pick-up window). The best line was that his client "took five independent steps to make sure that thing had no cheese on it". Interesting. So far, I see three steps, but his client seemed to leave out a major step. How about opening the bun and looking to see if there is cheese on it? If a bite of cheese puts you halfway into the grave, doesn't it seem stupid that you wouldn't check the burger yourself ? You're putting your life in the hands of zit faced high school dropouts (it is in West Virginia).

50 Cent says if his latest album doesn't outsell Kanye West's new one, he'll stop recording solo albums. Why not just pop a cap in his ass?

Random News & Notes - The Religion of Peace

I mentioned last month a little extortion attempt by Libya over a death penalty imposed on some medical people who they convicted of bogus charges of giving kids AIDs. Well, France stepped in and made a deal to help Libya with nukes. Let me repeat that. France is helping Libya develop a nuclear reactor, because they are unconcerned about Arab countries with nukes. Friggin genius. Oh, and they're selling some missiles to them too. It worked as the medics were released to Bulgaria. And yet, that wasn't enough as Libya tried further blackmail on Bulgaria for pardoning them. It was almost like Willie Horton except these people weren't murderers and rapists. Anyway, Bulgaria capitulated by forgiving a $57 million debt Libya owed them. My guess is that this was what Libya wanted all along. Why do I believe this? Gaddafi's son has come out and admitted that HIV cases preceded the medics arrival. And followed their arrest. Basically said they were innocent. Oh, he also said they were tortured, but not that badly. And he doesn't think anything will be done to Libya, and he's probably right. The EU has already shown they won't stand up to a tin-pot dictator who spells his name about 23 different ways.

I guess we should be happy that Gaddafi is willing to settle for some racketeering rather than overt terrorism. One who tried, the shoe bomber Richard Reid, had some jailhouse letters made public. I was surprised his father released the letters to the press until I noticed that Reid apparently tried to console his old man on the death of his sister. Reid did it by telling Daddy that dear old auntie is burning in Hell. Oh, and Reid also expects Allah to bless him in the near future. Funny, Allah certainly didn't seem to be on his side when tried to blow up a plane. I would think only a small "blessing" would be needed to light a fuse in your shoestrings. Also, Allah seems to have cursed him with an unnatural level of ugliness.

It's probably a good thing that Reid was caught with explosives in his shoe or else the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), a noted ally of Islamic terrorists everywhere, would be campaigning for his release. Oh wait, two guys were arrested in South Carolina with pipe bombs in their trunk, and CAIR called it racial profiling. Let's see. Two guys named Mohammed and Yousef. From a college awash in Islamic fundamentalism. With pipe bombs and a bogus story about what they were. And another roommate who has since fled the country. Yeah, nothing suspicious here. Just how far in the sand can some people stick their head?

It's amazing that local police were able to make this capture. After all, isn't that why airport security was federalized? To make it more professional? So that some guy can't bring a monkey into the country hidden in his hat? I think the best line is that people were asking if he knew he had a monkey in his hair. Actually, he's probably kicking himself. If he can sneak a monkey out of South America, through customs and onto a connecting flight without being caught, he could have brought in some coke. Actually, this wasn't the most depressing recent story about airport security. In Charlotte, a guy wandered past the airport screeners. And somehow (and I can't fathom how) ten planes managed to leave before security started looking for him. But there is good news. He may not have had evil intent. He might have just been confused. Actually, that's bad news. If someone gets through security by accident, how are these nimrods going to stop someone putting in an effort to sneak in?

Not that all local authorities are doing that swift of a job. At least in Oakland. Not that I would expect anything different. A local newspaper editor was murdered by the handyman of Your Black Muslim Bakery because the newsman ate too many baguettes. Or was checking their finances or something. Even better, everyone seemed to know these people were running amok, but it took a newspaperman getting assassinated in the street for anything to be done. Not too surprising considering they were based in the American equivalent of a third world country - Oakland. Really not surprising since they were under the patronage of Mayor Ron "former congressional wackjob" Dellums and Barbara "present congressional wackjob" Lee.

A New York City principal was fired for sprinkling chicken blood on the school in some Santeria cleansing ritual. I'm assuming that it wasn't part of a cookout. Certainly makes sense to let her go except NYC is also establishing an Arabic public school. Supposedly it is simply a school that will deal with Arabic language and culture and not Islam. Why do I find this hard to believe? Muslim activist as principal, religious advisory committee, internships with Muslim attorneys as a goal, an attempt to have halal meals (sanctioned under Islamic law) served. How could I have been so wrong about the noble purposes here? So, one principal gets fired for a Santeria ceremony, but a religious activist is given her own school? No wonder Johnny can't read, but can probably make a pipe bomb. Fortunately, the jihadi principal did resign, but only after it came out that an organization she was affiliated with was selling T-shirts glorifying Palestinian terrorism. But the school will still open so Johnny can learn about the 72 virgins he'll get when he reaches blessed martyrdom.