Just The News

A man is in trouble for repeatedly calling 911 to ask them to bring some more beer to his house. I don’t see why he’s in such trouble. It was obviously an emergency. And what did they want him to do? Drive out and get it himself? That would have been irresponsible. Look what happened to this guy. He even had a designated driver. His drunken 13 year old son. This is just an example of poor parenting. My father never would have let this happen. I wouldn't have been allowed to go drinking with him until I could afford to chip in.

Those drunk asses were probably mourning what is about to happen in Tennessee. The state may end up destroying hundreds of bottles of Jack Daniels for being sold without a license. Some are antiques worth $10,000. Typical friggin' government. They'll probably try to raise taxes while destroying something valuable.

Best birthday ever. A mistake by an entertainment agency caused a stripper to be sent to school for a student’s birthday instead of the “gorillagram” ordered. What is a gorillagram and who would want one? Anyway, the stripper put the guy on leash and led him around the room after stripping to her underwear. It was only as she was trying to make the student rub some cream on her rear that the teacher stepped in and ended it. Which bring a couple of questions to mind. Did the stripper not realize she was at a high school and there could be a mistake? Did the teacher really need to wait until that point to put a stop to it?

Awhile back I wrote about the young woman who was almost thrown off a Southwest Airlines flight for wearing an outfit the stewardess deemed too revealing (it wasn't even close). Well, she's back in the news. She's profiting off the notoriety of the incident to get a Playboy spread. I think if she can get some money out of it, good for her. I think this could be an ongoing news report that I personally should keep up with. Maybe I should get a subscription to that magazine so I don't accidentally miss it. For research purposes only.

This story shows why I stopped picking nuns up in bars (other than the fear of burning in Hell). You have a little too much to drink. Your stuff doesn’t work. They jam something up it. If I had a dollar for every time this happened to me………

I’m not a Catholic, so whether they want to have female priest is entirely up to the Vatican. However, I find this story quite confusing. Some group of rabble rousing women is trying promote that cause by having themselves ordained into the Catholic Church. The fact that the Church doesn’t recognize those ordinations and in fact, may excommunicate them means to me that they aren’t really being ordained into the Catholic Church. That’s neither here nor there. What gets me is that a Jewish Reform congregation is allowing the ordination to be done at their synagogue. The article mostly deals with the fact that it will kill any working relationship people that synagogue and the local Archdiocese, but the bigger question is why would you allow your consecrated worship area to be used for a ceremony of a completely different religion?

Here’s a wonderful story. It’s another tale that explains why Johnny can’t read or do simple math. Our school systems are run by idiots. A kid wears a ghost costume for Halloween. Some people think it could look like a Klan outfit. He gets suspended for two days because in the words of the superintendent, “Whether it was meant to be a ghost costume or not, it was not interpreted that way.” So, basically, this school system suspended a student for two days because someone may misinterpret his costume? Am I the only one who thinks this is completely friggin nuts?

Whenever I see another story about a female teacher bumping nasties with an underage male student, I'm always struck by how different it is than when a male teacher drops one on a female student. First, female teachers don't seem to get the same level of punishment as a male teacher. Even better, they often play the victim and say they fell prey to a 13 year old romeo. The other difference is that male teachers appear to just want a little nookie. Female teachers seem to fall in love. With teenage boys. Maybe this is why Johnny can't read. His teacher is a hormonal wreck. Now, here's a different, yet interesting take on the latest teacher spreading for love.

I'll keep this story in mind the next time I hear some left wing Ivy League intellectual say he does support the U.S. troops. In the hometown of Harvard University, a local boy scout troop set up donation boxes at polling places to collect items for care packages for American soldiers. There was a complaint that these donation boxes were "pro-war" so they were removed. Apparently, sending Snickers to a soldier sitting in the desert is the height of militancy. The mayor is quoted as saying it was a mistake and the council will help them realize their goals. Translation: let's do something before we look like bigger horse's asses than we already do. Reminds me of a quote from William F. Buckley: "I'd rather entrust the government of the United States to the first 400 people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of Harvard University."

Well, the military has said it is stopping the beard-shaving-as-punishment for captured terrorists at Gitmo because the Muslims were getting enraged by the humiliation. Oh, the horror of getting a shave. Let's see. We're talking about a group of people who like to cut people's heads off, subjugate non-males and non-Muslims, punish rape victims, issue death decrees against authors (among many others), blow up schoolchildren (among many others), fly planes into skyscrapers and many other less than wholesome pursuits. Frankly, I'm having trouble mustering too much sympathy for them getting their beards shaved. But if that's what is bothering them, fine. Next time they a bag of crap on a guard, don't cut off their beard. Break their arm. Now everyone is happy.

This Week In Sports

I was originally going to ignore UK basketball's little hiccup (okay, vomit might be a better word) against Gardner-Webb. Sure, it was embarrassing for the local team. Sure, it led to some funny moments at work the next day as UK fans overreacted. Really, the number of booze and sex related rumors that were being spread (remember, these were UK fans spreading the rumor, not me) were quite varied. The rumor that he's had multiple drunken pullovers without getting a DUI and ended up getting university supplied driver wouldn't be that surprising. He does have a history there. The sex rumors have certainly run the gamut. There's one about him getting caught picking up a hooker in an alley. I'm sure that would have already been out, but even if true, it shows poor judgment. He can afford much better than a street whore. Then, there was the rumor he preferred boys to girls which could explain his obsessive practicing. More practice = more showers. Most likely this would lead to a few problems among the UK fan base. The last rumor was that he picked up two 19 year old girls and tag teamed them at a hotel. Can't really think of anything else to say except "way to go, dude".

But I figured it still wasn't that big a deal. Sure, Gardner-Webb was a 9 win Atlantic Sun team last year that had no business beating a UK especially so handily. But I wrote after Tubby Smith left that due to a lack of personnel, I thought UK was going to struggle this year anyway (which is one of the reasons I thought Smith jumped ship) so my expectations for them were pretty low. I thought the fact that they were ranked to start the season was a joke. They weren't even receiving votes at the end of last year, and I didn't think they would any better this year. They lost their entire front line and top backup at center (for what the giant Pole was worth). When I saw that sophomore walk-on Mark Coury (he played 20 minutes last year - total) was starting, I thought someone was nuts. Then I realized there really wasn't anyone else. UK's interior is either young (Patterson) or sucks (the rest).

In fact, I wonder how bad this team would be without the freshmen. Patrick Patterson and Alex Legion are already two of the better players, but they are screwed by some of the returning players. Guys like Ramel Bradley and Joe Crawford are ball hogs who haven't seen a bad shot they won't take. God forbid they pass that up to give the ball to someone else. Maybe if Derrick Jasper ever gets back, there will be someone to pass the ball to Patterson who is probably their best player. The last reason I thought the loss to Gardner-Webb wasn't a big deal is Jodie Meeks was playing poorly. I think based on his play at the end of last year, UK's success could follow how well he plays. Oh wait, that could be a problem.

Well, Barry Bonds was indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice for lying before a grand jury investigating his steroid supplier. A lot of people thought he wasn't going to be charged, but they were wrong. Kind destroys his argument that his home run record wasn't tainted. But really, who honestly believed he was clean? The fun from the story was watching the talking heads "discuss" it on ESPN. Stephen A. Stupid claimed that the only reason a team wouldn't take a chance on Bonds now is his skills have declined, but if he was still a great player, someone would sign him. Brilliant. How's that federal indictment affecting Michael Vick's career? Then Charles Barkley was interviewed (always go to the basketball analyst when discussing a baseball player). Among his paranoid rantings was that Bonds was being persecuted because Jason Giambi wasn't indicted for steroids, but Bonds was. He was oblivious to the fact that Bonds hasn't been charged with using 'roids, just lying about his dealings with Balco. Word on the street is that Giambi spilled everything to the grand jury. Barkley also bitched that Bonds is being treated differently than other suspect players (he needs to ask Mark McGwire how is Hall of fame bid is going) and why is this steroid stuff only leaked on Bonds (Paul Byrd might have an argument with that). Barry Bonds is an arrogant, ass whose dirty deeds caught up with him.

In other baseball news, Alex Rodriguez just agreed to re-sign with the New York Yankees for 10 years and $279 million. That was in spite of George Steinbrenner's kids who run the team now saying they didn't want Rodriguez because he opted out of his contract (he had three years left) which proved he didn't really want to be a Yankee. Now the Steinbrenners are spinning that Rodriguez could have gotten more money on the open market so by taking less to re-sign, he's proven that he really does want to be a Yankee. Yeah, right. That's a load of bull. No one pays more than the Yankees. The other argument being thrown out is Rodriguez's agent Scott Boras screwed up by having him opt out because he overestimated the market for his client, and he's essentially getting what the Yankees were offering before the opt out. Boras didn't get what he hoped for, but he came out the better even though it might not have been as good for Rodriguez. The Yankees were offering to extend him to ten years for about the same total. Now, Boras gets his percentage based on the new 10 year deal instead of a seven year extension. When you consider how much 3% of $80 million is, Boras is ahead.

I have decided who the Heisman Trophy winner should be. Dennis Dixon of Oregon. Even though he may never play another college game after injuring his knee against Arizona. Oregon was rolling with him, but after he got hurt, they turned to crap. Of course, when you are forced to turn to Ryan Leaf's little brother, you've got problems.

A few years ago, Cincinnati Bengals fans were coming out of the woodwork in Lexington. Where have they all gone?

Some nutbag woman drove through a security gate at Gillette Stadium and ended up with her car left on a New England Patriots' practice field. Man, some people go crazy in an attempt to get impregnated by Tom Brady.

OJ Simpson is going to trial for armed robbery against a sports memorabilia seller. His response "As always, I rely on the jury system." Makes sense. If a jury is willing to let a little thing like murder slide, they'll be open to acquitting him on armed robbery. And hopefully soon. OJ needs to get out to the golf course and find the real robber.

Monday Night News

Remember. Election day is tomorrow (at least in Kentucky) if you're a Republican. If you're a Democrat, it's on Wednesday.

It's bad timing for me since I'm an election officer and have to be at the precinct at 5:30 in the morning. What sucks is the Steelers are playing on Monday night, but I'll only get to watch the first part of it.

An 83 year old World War II vet in Milwaukee was convicted of trying to hire a prostitute. I'm pretty curious what the sex act was that he was willing to pay $20 for and apparently able to perform. Actually, I'm a little disappointed with the jury for convicting. Sixty years ago, this man stood on the ramparts of freedom and democracy defending this great country against the rampaging socialist horde. If he wants a little nookie and is willing to pay for it, I think that's the least we can do for him.

At least he wasn't trafficking cocaine like this 93 year old man. This is who I would buy my drugs from. I could probably give him a $2 bill and claim it was a $20.

In other crime news, 75 yard gnomes were allegedly stolen and dumped in someone's front yard. I say allegedly because we don't know they were actually stolen. For all we know, those gnomes walked there themselves. They're sneaky bastards.

My favorite story of the week. An assistant high school coach and cheerleading coach at an Ohio high school were fired for taking a picture of a topless 15 year old cheerleader and posting it on the web. You know, I'm really past the point of laughing at such stupidity on their part. "Let's throw a party, invite a high school freshman, get her to pose topless, and post the picture on the internet. What could go wrong?" No, what gets me about this story is that it says the two coaches were 19 years old. Why would a high school hire assistant coaches a year out of high school? And why did the report name the football coach, but not the cheerleader coach?

EDITOR'S UPDATE - Found an update on the cheerleader story (with video). This one does include the cheerleading coach's name. And I had assumed that the football coach took the picture of the 15 year old, but I was incorrect. The cheerleading coach took the picture of both of them with their ta-tas hanging out. I'd like to hear her explanation for what she was thinking then. And maybe some more details about what went on after that picture was taken. You know because it's news.

You've got to be careful with pictures and crap that you take. A former NFL player could lose his job as a high school hall monitor because he had two nude pictures on his cell phone which he lost and a student found. Now, my first thought was "you're worried about a job as a hall monitor?" Then I realized he needs that job to coach there. This whole thing is ridiculous. They weren't nude pictures of students (one report said one was a picture of himself which is a whole other issue) nor was he showing them around, so what business is it of the school that he had them? Actually, they should suspend the bastard student for "finding" the phone and trying to pawn it even though he knew whose phone it was.

A couple of rich folks up in New York abused their servants by beating and starving them. Well, not completely starving them because they would make them eat a bunch of chili peppers washed down with chili powdered salt water until they threw up. Hey, what's the point of having servants if you can't do things to make them vomit?

Okay, we’ve got a guy who lost his leg in a plane crash, but kept the leg. In a barbecue smoker. I’m assuming he had no plans to use that smoker for cooking anymore. I hope. Then he forgot about it and all his crap in a storage locker was auctioned when he didn’t pay his bill. And now the guy who bought the contents of the locker wants the leg back too so he can charge people to see it. I’m torn here. On one hand, I can’t believe someone wants to display an amputated leg for money (or that very many people would pay to see a mummified leg), but at the same time, the guy did buy whatever was in the locker. Why shouldn’t he get it back? You don’t want to lose your leg, don’t keep it in a storage locker. Or at least pay the bill. There have been cases of people who hid their murder victim in a storage facility and got caught because they stopped paying the bill and the contents were auctioned off. If you are going to store a dead body in a rental facility, shouldn’t be the first bill you pay every month?

A medical study just came out that says Karl Marx suffered from a skin disorder that leads to alienation which probably affected his writings. It leads to skin problems (leaking pus, boils, blackheads) on your butt and private parts. So, a political philosophy that led to the death of millions of people in the last century came about because some guy had boils on his junk.

And finally, a few stripper stories. Is this something new? A stripper at a baby shower? Women better watch out or guys will start including strippers on their (formerly) mundane get-togethers like pre-work breakfasts, business lunches, after work happy hours, dinner, Sunday school, kid’s football games, and bar mitzvahs.

Or a college graduation. A man says his son was defrauded out of $53,000 at a strip club because he told them not to go above $600 but they kind of did. I am curious. It says he bought 19 bottles of champagne "between $150 and $2000". Let's assume $2000 each. That's $38,000 max for champagne. How much do they charge for a lapdance? I'm not sure who is stupider. The son wasn't too bright to not keep an eye on his tab. But I think the Dad was even stupider. First, if you are setting a $600 limit, give him cash. Second, if you do decide to give him a credit card, make it one with a limit. Mine would crap out long before it go to that point.

Finally, there's a virus going around on the internet to allow spammers to sign up fake email addresses. A picture of a hot babe pops up and says she'll strip as the user types in jumbled figures. My question is why would you play a striptease game that suddenly "pops up" on your screen? Gee, that doesn't sound dangerous at all? You've got the internet. If you're that hard up for pictures of naked chicks, it's not that tough to find some. Or so I've heard.

News Update

This could just be a straight up, preacher gone wrong tale, except it's better. A pastor from Bristol, TN got busted in Johnson City, TN (check my news reports 10/4 to see what else is going on in Johnson City) after he offered to go down on some cops and then took a leak at a car wash. Outside. Oh, he was also wearing a denim skirt which means Southwest Airlines would not have let him fly. The best part is he apparently drank half a bottle of Vodka, but only tested .08 blood alcohol content. And claims he was too intoxicated from that to know why he was wearing a skirt. Wuss. When I wash down a bottle of narcotics with Vodka, I still know why I'm wearing a skirt. It makes me feel free down there.

Of course, that guy wasn't willing to go whole hog like the principal from Bardstown who got busted for hanging around a high prostitution area in Louisville while dressed like a woman. He went so far as to wear fishnet stockings and fake breasts. At first I was happy to finally know where the hookers hang out in Louisville (for research purposes only). However, if that's what you pick up there, I'll pass. He would make one ugly looking woman.

A new celebrity sex tape may be set to hit the market. Amy Fisher's estranged husband sold one of their sex tapes to some porn distributor while they were busted up. Now, they are reconciled and Amy is angry. It's nice to see there's some white trash on Long Island. She reconciled with a guy who sold a tape of their more intimate moments. As for the guy buying it, why? Fisher is old news, and not really attractive enough to make me want to watch. Sure, back when she was 17, watching her in a sex tape would have been good viewing. For the celebrity aspect, not because she was only ..........never mind.

Local hunter took a picture of some strange looking animal, and Bigfoot researching moron declared it looked like "a juvenile Sasquatch" which is an interesting observation since no one has ever seen a real Sasquatch, let alone a juvenile one. That's because they don't exist. Someone with at least a minimum level of intelligence says it's a bear with mange.

In a loosely related story, a hunter in West Virginia says he saw an African lion wandering around the woods up there. And some guy wants it trapped rather than shot. I don't think it's a lion. It's probably just a local hilljack with mange. While I'm not opposed to someone shooting him, I do know how to trap him. Just find his little sister, put her in crotchless pants and he'll catch the scent in a heartbeat.

In political news, Hillary Clinton bombed in the latest debate and it's all Tim Russert's fault. Poor baby was being picked on by the other candidates and that meanie Russert who had the gall to actually ask her tough questions. This is why I'm loath to vote for a female candidate. She's being attacked by her opponents because she's the front runner. Would it make sense for John Edwards to go after Bill Richardson? No, you take down the person ahead of you in the polls. So, what does Hillary do? She plays the poor-little-woman card. If you're not tough enough to take it in high stakes politics, run for school board.

There were a lot of concerns about why Dennis Kucinich's only question was if he had really seen a UFO over Shirley MacLaine's house as she wrote in her book. Well, duh. That would probably be the least nutty thing he would say in a debate. I think this guy still believes he was a good mayor of Cleveland even though the city went into default while he ran it (he's the only former mayor whose picture doesn't hang at city hall).

The one question that I thought should have been asked was about their stand on the new pumpkin tax in Iowa which just happens to be where the first caucus will be held. Proving that tax departments have never met an item that they couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't tax; Iowa is now taxing pumpkins because they are decorations rather than food even though it's technically produce. Based on that, can I write off booze as a medical expense since I drink to cure stress? That and to get drunk. Actually, that would have been a silly question for the Democratic debate. They've never met a tax they didn't like, so they would approve. And then turn around and request a farm subsidy for pumpkin farmers.

Sad story out of the world of tennis. Martina Hingis is retiring from the game because she was "falsely" accused of testing positive for cocaine. Really, who among us has not lost a job because of a "false positive" for blow? I'm glad someone is standing up to man and protecting the rights of pseudo-athletes everywhere. You know, while Hingis was never listed among the "hotties" of tennis, I would have done her..........I mean, she was excellent at whacking a fuzzy ball around.

Hilary Swank had her hair cut on Oprah Winfrey's show. I thought this was a good thing because women who look that much like a man should only have long hair if they have a mullet. Besides, I thought she should have cut her hair off a long time ago so that nobody would recognize her from The Core - one of the worst movies ever made.

In other celebrity news, Paul McCartney's one-legged ex-whor ......wife is now saying that Paul was the reason their marriage broke up. I think Paul's money was the whole reason the marriage happened in the first place. Long John Mills also says she would have walked away with nothing if Paul had just admitted that it was all his fault. Raise your hand if you believe that. Actually, if you believe that, send me money (cash, no checks) for a PR campaign to rehabilitate Heather's image.

Hey, Lance Armstrong is dating one of the Olsen twins. They say it's Ashley, but how do we really know. Maybe she decided riding 100 miles a day on a bike will help her lose weight better than throwing up dinner. Okay, that's cold. They make a cute couple and Bob Saget should be proud.

A bunch of Namibian villagers (68 to be exact) got sick from eating a diseased dog. Now, I'll let the fact they were eating a dog slide. I only question the political intelligence, morals and languages of low brow heathen countries, not their eating habits. Except the French. And possibly the Russians if I could figure out exactly what they eat. In this case, I do have one question. How big was that dog to the point that 68 people could eat enough of it to get sick?

Modern parenting. Some Nebraska bimbo apparently decided to improve her relations with her cheerleader daughter by pulling the school van that she was driving next to an SUV so her daughter could lean over to a speeding vehicle to get a beer. I guess her next move to prove she's "cool" is to have a menage with her daughter's boyfriend. I think it's a cheerleader thing. Send me an email if you want a link to a dirty site with a University of Louisville cheerleader getting a little dirty.

The Weekly World News (My Version)

I probably shouldn't sit here and bitch about how Steve Kragthorpe has ruined UL's football season this year. So, I'll stand and bitch about it. This guy is killing me. Going for 12-1 and an Orange Bowl to 4-3 against the weak part of the schedule is bad enough, but now the coach and athletic director are saying it's a rebuilding year. Funny, that never came up when I got the letter to renew my season tickets. Things have gotten so bad that I got banned on the Cardinal Sports Report message boards for quoting Burt Reynolds from Smokey and The Bandit, "do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?" to a moderator. Personally, I think he overreacted.

It was a sad day in the world of football when news came that Max McGee had died falling off his roof where he was blowing something, probably leaves. McGee was known for scoring the first touchdown in Super Bowl history. He was also known for being hung over when he did it because he didn't think he was going to play. I've always felt one of his most important contributions was Chi-Chi's Mexican Restaurant. When I was a young lad in college, I had very little money. Chi-Chi's had free chips and salsa. So, I could drink beer and load up on chips and salsa.

The obligatory prostitute story. Some white trash whore in upstate New York was busted for hooking and using drugs. She brought her two young children along for the ride. In fact, they were in the back seat while she was playing Electrolux with a couple of her customers. Personally, if I was her john (and I wasn't; I don't even know where Schenectady is), I would have been appalled. At least put the kids in the trunk or something.

Prostitute story from the pimp side. James Lipton of Inside The Actor's Studio was a flesh peddler in Paris before hitting it big. Or whatever Inside The Actor's Studio means on the success scale. The obvious comment would be on how his previous job led to Hollywood, but that's too easy.

When I read that it's been revealed that Dumbledore was gay, my reaction was "who the Hell is Dumbledore?". I missed the Harry Potter books because ....what's the concept......oh yeah, I hit puberty and fantasy reading became the Penthouse Forum over some book about warlocks and witches. Oh, and by the way, Dumbledore really can't be gay. He's a ficitional character. He's really nothing.

In another story containing witch-like substances, some dude got busted for tearing up a Halloween display. The owner wasn't sure why he tore up her stuff. Well, duh. He was drunk. Who among hasn't gotten smashed, seen ghosts and destroyed private property?

When I first read the story about the earmark that "the Senators from the great state of New York" had requested to give $1 million to a museum dedicated to Woodstock, I thought it was well deserved. Sure, he's a side-kick that doesn't say anything, but he was an integral part of Peanuts. Then I realized they were talking about that hippie music festival back in the 60s. What's the million bucks for, to recreate the smell? Even worse, the guy asking for it is a billionaire. Pay for that crap yourself, hippie-lover.

A monsignor of the Vatican was suspended for telling some TV show that he "didn't feel like he was sinning" by engaging in gay sex. So, the vow of celibacy only counts if you want to bump nasties with a woman?

I pretty much forgot my college German. Can someone translate what Wanken die Winky means?

See? This is what happens when we let clowns run lose in society. Well, that and Shakes The Clown, but that was a funny movie. And made us forget that Bobcat Goldthwait was in Police Academy 4. And in turn, somehow dated Nikki Cox and her massive mammary glands.

Boy, this is a great story. Guy has carnal relations with Britney Spears and records it. Yet, he can't show it to anyone because his performance wasn't up to his standards. Right. I think I will call BS on him having such a tape. Sure, nailing Britney is no longer seen as an accomplishment and taking advantage of a wackjob may seem like something to be looked down upon. However, it's still worth money and who cares how inadequate you perform on an amateur porn tape. No one is watching it for you.

Some DJ is in a bit of trouble in Detroit because he was going to have a party and let "light skinned" black women in for free. The big complaint centers around some historical division between light skin and dark skinned blacks. Here's another thought. Letting someone into a party based on the color of their skin while charging others is illegal. So, even if he included dark skinned black women in the free admission, it still would have been against the law.

Here's one of my favorite type stories. Yale Law School tried to forbid military recruiters on campus for political reasons. Unfortunately for them, Congress passed a law saying if you want government funds, you've got to let recruiters on campus. Yale Law sued and lost. My favorite part is a professor complaining that "we obviously wish the government wasn't forcing discrimination on us." Guess what? Yale is a private educational institution. Nobody's forcing anything on you. To me, it would seem hypocritical of someone to bash the military, but accept millions of dollars from them for research into more military activities. The biggest example of that would be Noam Chomsky. He's been one of the biggest left-wing campus radicals for years. Yet, for all his anti-military blather, his career and research have been underwritten by the Department of Defense for most of it. I guess the military industrial complex is evil until they sign your paycheck.

News of the Week

I shouldn't criticize UK fans for what happened after their big win over LSU. I should let them bask in the moment which are usually few and far between for UK football. However, I saw a story in the paper the next day which showed where a couch was burned in the street. That is the damn near patented celebration technique of West Virginia Brokeback Mountaineer fans. I got a copy of the Morgantown rag as I was heading back to Kentucky after the UL/WVU clash two years ago, and it said there were 20 cases of arson reported that involved a burning couch. It makes me really lose respect for the UK fans when they decide to emulate the most low rent fanbase in the country.

Food for thought. Cop goes into a McDonalds. Eats a burger that accidentally had a lot of salt on it. Gets sick. Blames it on the salt. Excuse me? It’s McDonalds. The thought of most of their food makes me sick. I would need a pound of salt on my burger just to make it edible. Oh, and then he arrests the girl who cooked the burger. I’ll ignore the obvious question (asked by the cook) of why he kept eating a burger that was making him sick. I’d really like to know if Fulton County’s crime problems are so small that sending the leftover part of a burger to the crime lab is really the proper response to this.

Of course, he might be thinking McDonalds is ripe for a lawsuit with the recent case up in Shepherdsville where the victim of a hoax was awarded over $6 million after someone claiming to be a cop called the restaurant and told them to strip search her. Well, not to blame the victim, but if I had a manager anywhere tell to take my clothes off, there would be an issue. Just to be clear to all my readers, your employer (especially a first line manager) cannot make you take your clothes off unless your a stripper and it's part of your contract. The worst part of this episode is that the assistant manager who made her strip got over a million because the jurors thought McDonalds should have told her specifically (it was in the manual) not to strip search employees or let her boyfriend get a hummer. Well, the jurors were stupid. I'm not expecting geniuses to be assistant managers at McDonalds, but a cook and the illiterate maintenance guy didn't fall for it.

Another food story. This guy was charged with assault for hitting his dad in the face with a bag of Cheetos while hopped up on meth. Obviously, if he was smoking pot, no way would he have let go the bag of Cheetos.

This is a near tragic story. These two girls just wanted to show some school spirit, so they did a full over body paint and went to a football game. They were thrown out even though male students painted up were allowed to stay. This is an injustice that should not be……….wait a minute……..I just saw that picture of the students. They were wearing bikini tops. What kind of school spirit is that? I thought they were topless. If they weren’t willing to go whole hog for the team, they should have been thrown out.

This is a follow-up to the story I wrote about a few weeks ago where a bunch of male cops and one female were involved in a sex scandal in the Grand Rapids Police Department. Well, it has been resolved. And it was a gangbang. The one female dispatcher was apparently doing at least six guys at the station. That girl had an itch.

The sad story of Madeline McCann (Okay, I'm assuming it's sad, I hadn't really followed it that much) took a turn when the police started investigating her parents. Now, her mother is claiming that she's being persecuted by the police, and the reason is her breasts aren't large enough. I can't really argue with her reasoning because I'm a lot more forgiving of large breasted women.

Speaking of breasts, a dentist is in trouble for massaging the breasts of his patients. He's claiming that it's accepted practice that doing this can help alleviate a jaw condition. Once again, I can't argue with the reasoning because when I grope a girl in public, I routinely claim I'm trying to relieve stress (I just don't tell her it's my stress). Actually, the best part of the story is where a woman says she was fondled six times in the last two years and took to wearing tight shirts to keep him out which didn't work. Once again, not to blame the victim, but if you have been fondled by your dentist to the point you change what you wear to see him, shouldn't it occur to you to go to a different dentist?

I classify this story as "bizarre". Then I realized it was Norway and long winters lead to insanity. Some pre-school "expert" (Norwegian for crank) is saying pre-school children should be allowed to display their sexuality by dancing naked and playing with themselves openly at school. When I did that in kindergarten, I got in trouble. Of course, I was 28 at the time. Granted, they do want limits put on this, like no masturbation during lunch. That's good, because that could lead to some serious trouble. I found that out at a Subway last year.

Here is another good one. Some chef named Anthony Bourdain is ticked off at celebrity TV cook Rachael Ray for endorsing Dunkin Donuts. My natural assumption was that he realized Krispy Kreme makes better donuts, but that wasn't the case. He was worried about the children. Aren't they always worried about the friggin' children? Bourdain is concerned because Ray is influential with children. WTF? How is some TV cook influential with children? I've only heard of her because she's a hottie who was in FHM magazine once. What kind of child watches cooking shows?

I was unaware that Garth Brooks was still alive. I was even more unaware that people were still willing to spend money to watch him sing.

In a football related post, a Baylor assistant was arrested for taking a leak on the bar of a Waco drinking establishment. It's Waco. I figured that was legal. Plus, at a bar called Scruffy Murphy's, I figured it was expected.

Well, I never needed a team of researchers to tell me that Jessica Alba’s got a little wiggle in the walk. I’m sure every mathematician there was scrambling to get on this research team. “Let’s see, I could spend all day looking at esoteric formulas or watch hot women walk with an in depth focus on their rear? Gee, what will I do?”

When they were burning a couch down at UK, I figured it was another protest over a Kentucky Kernel editorial cartoon. I hadn't really paid much attention to that story because the Kernel showed some real journalism credibility (or lack of) by refusing to let anyone republish it even though it was a major news story (plus college newspapers have about as much journalism as the sports page). Then Joel Pett of the Lexington Herald-Leader cleverly included a re-drawing of it in his own editorial cartoon, so I could see it. And also ran a column by a Kernel editor who quit when they wouldn't let him defend his decision to run it. The column was pointless the moment the schmuck said the cartoon led to "conversation" about race relations. "Conversation" in place of debate or discussion is the new buzzword of the clueless.

I wouldn't have run the cartoon. Not because I fear offending anyone, but because the cartoon made no sense. You've got a slave auction with a black guy being bid on by three fraternity with white supremacists names. Was there a point to offend blacks? Doubtful any college newspaper would try to make that point. Sure, there were slavery images which supposedly are offensive, but considering how much the black civil rights leaders use slavery images, I don't see that as really offensive. Was it designed to go after the Greek system's lack of diversity? Knowing the mindset of college newsmen, probably, but it still doesn't make sense. If lily-white fraternities didn't want black members, why would they be bidding on one at an auction? This almost seems to be critical of a black student who would join a white fraternity and possibly go for the "best deal" to pledge. Of course, I doubt the cartoonist would be clever enough to think of that. So, why run a cartoon that doesn't make sense?

Contrast it with the one that the Daily Wildcat at the University of Arizona ran. A caption about a Jewish customer tipping too little after a meal. It's pretty obvious that the point of the cartoon is that Jews are lousy tippers. Which isn't true. Everyone knows women are the worst tippers. Of course, the big question is why a college newspaper felt the need to editorialize against cheap, Jewish restaurant patrons.

Big Weekend In Lexington (I Should Have Left Town)

Actually, that's not true. While certain things going on were not my cup of tea, Keeneland was running. I love Keeneland. Although to be honest, I like it a lot more during the spring meet than the fall meet. To begin with, it's usually warmer during the spring meet except this year when there were snow flurries on the April 6th opening day (must be that global cooling the environmentalists warned us about in the 70s). Warm weather generally means young ladies wearing skimpy outfits with their knockers hanging out. Hey, I need something to capture my attention before the post parade. That'll do it. The other problem with the fall meet is FOOOOOOOOOOOTBALL. Mainly because it's on at the same time most days. Saturday's tough because college football has many games on (I wear out my remote finger). Too many to keep up in the Keeneland sports bar. NFL games are easier to watch there so I'm more likely to go on a Sunday , but I still prefer the spring when nothing else distracts me.

Of course, I can also go on a weekday, but I have to use vacation. Fortunately this past Friday my department at work had an "outing" to Keeneland. Even better, the Equestrian Bar charges the same for a Maker's and coke that they do for a Jack and coke. Nothing against Jack Daniels, but that's almost sacrilege. Even better, a big bet on a winner meant I didn't switch to beer. Ironically, it was against a work related horse (partially owned by some executive) in the fifth race. I wanted to bet him (but went with Calvin Borel instead) because the horses' name was Load of Chronic, and for some reason, I was one of the few in my group who understood what that meant. In a sense, I felt somewhat younger. Until I realized it was "College Day" which has the advantage of much younger ladies in the all too revealing outfits but is offset by assbag college guys in ill-fitting suits because they think that's what they should wear.

Another problem with Keeneland during football season is how often SEC white trash fans show up there because their team is playing UK. Friday was LSU. I'm sure they were excited to be there because at their Louisiana tracks, it's not often you have a race that isn't fixed. Fortunately, there weren't too many of them when I went downtown later that night (one good bourbon and coke leads to many others). I don't think I could have handled the smell. I ended up at some place called Harvey's which I've walked by, but never went into. Even though one of those other events that I chose to ignore (Big Blew Madness) was going on, that place was still packed. Not sure why. It's a nice bar, but it's nothing special. Okay jukebox (I think) until someone kept playing that song from the iPod Nano commercials. Reasonably priced drinks. Limited room and seating. I guess they get the overflow of weirdos that came down for a Talking Heads tribute band. Now, I like some punk bands. Like The Clash who could actually play their instruments. The Ramones. Social Distortion. Stuff like that. But I wouldn't walk across the street to see the Talking Heads. Let alone a tribute band.

But I digress. The other big event was the UK/LSU game (Big Blew Madness is a practice, people; it don't mean a thing). UK pulled off the big upset by playing a great game. For those who read the fantasy football/soft core porn website I keep for the long running TRU Fantasy Football League (no link, it's dirty), I made a point in week 2 that LSU would lose a game this year due to the ineptitude of coach Les Miles. It just came true. When you have a quarterback (Matt Flynn) who can only throw 25 yards, you have to rely on defense. LSU usually does. For some reason, they decided not to pressure Andre Woodson. It's a stupid move not to pressure mediocre quarterbacks. It's even worse when you're facing a good quarterback. I think everyone should have recognized LSU had issues. Their best tailback is a white guy. How do you expect to win with that? Especially when you decide to run on fourth and two and don't even use him.

On the flip side, I should be really happy that UL beat Cincinnati. After losing to weak ass Syracuse and Utah, I should be happy beating anyone. Maybe the city of Cincinnati was jinxed by the Reds hiring Dusty Baker. He knows how to manage a last place team. Still, there is something wrong here. I remember when UL had a great football team. It was way back in 2006. UL has the best college quarterback in the country. I would take Brian Brohm over half the guys (at least) in the NFL. They return several other key figures from a 12-1 Orange Bowl winning team. Yet, UL has fallen to the point that I'm happy to beat friggin Cincinnati? How did I get here

News You Can Use - Maybe

I saw this story about some guy fleeing the police on his riding mower and was mildly amused, especially by the fact that the cops felt the need to give him a field sobriety test. He had a case of beer strapped to the front of the lawnmower. Then I saw the byline was West Virginia and decided this was probably a normal occurrence.

In Missouri, some Muslim inmate is suing because he thinks his jelly was made from gelatin which is made from pork. There's some prohibition against eating pork or products endorsed by Bill Cosby, I forget which. Of course, I have a hard time taking his religious fervor seriously since he's in jail on federal drug charges which usually means trafficking. Islam has this little problem with drugs. In fact, I think Mohammad called mind altering stuff "the most terrible of major sins". Here's my solution. Lets deport his ass to Saudi Arabia (a solution to many of our Islamic problems) and let him be devout there. His present occupation should go over well.

Can anyone verify where Dave Spitzer was on Saturday, September 29 a little after 8 pm? Not asking for any particular reason. Just curious.

A middle school near Chicago has decided to ban hugging. My first thought was "what's a hug line?" My second thought was "how am I supposed to cop a feel on a sixth grader if I can't hug one?" My third thought was "keep that last thought to yourself".

This is what a ban on hugging in schools could lead to. A first grade teacher in Indiana showed up wasted to school with beer in her purse. Doesn't she have a cooler?

Well, in my last posting, I mentioned there were articles that were so horrible that I have to debate whether to mention them. For some reason, The View seems to provide a bunch of them. This time, it was about Rosie O'Donnell reminiscing about her time on the show. She said early on that Barbara Walters would talk with her about which lubricants to use. Pardon me while retch repeatedly.

I love college football, but ESPN is ruining it for everyone by putting Lou Holtz on College Gameday. It's like watching a senile old man sputtering like Sylvester the cat because it is a senile old man sputtering like Sylvester the cat.

Sean Penn's favorite dictator, Hugo Chavez, is in the news today. Is it for shutting down another TV station? Or trying to nationalize private universities unless they agree to only teach his socialists policies? Actually, I wondered what American academics at our Ivy League schools thought of this, but then I remembered they already think teaching socialism is the law here. But it isn't either of those. It's not even his wack-ass scheme to move time back a half hour to gain "a more fair distribution of sunrise" which is pretty messed up. No, he's now in the news for criticizing the girls who get breast implants for their 15th birthday (apparently the Venezuelan version of a bat mitzvah). Damn shame that a teenage girl can't get the boob job she's been pining for the past two years. What should she get? A bicycle? Yeah, we definitely need fewer Latino hotties with big knockers. Thanks, Hugo.

Speaking of big boobs, police women in Scotland who are flat-chested have to wear yellow pants along with their fluorescent jackets so people driving by can see them. I think this is a good idea. I know that a big chested woman just stands out when I drive by. A lot easier to notice. In fact, I would take it a step further. Make the police women go topless. It would certainly catch my attention.

I bet if the parents of this 17 year old English girl had bought her a new rack, she would stop running away to Egypt after some natives who apparently didn't mind knocking boots with her, but didn't want to marry her. Actually, after reading the entire article, I have absolutely no sympathy for someone that stupid. I hope her parents leave her idiot ass down in Egypt. Make her stay in Egypt and get a job. I'm sure she can survive long enough to find another "fiance" especially since she apparently gives it up pretty easily.

Speaking of stupid teenagers, a new trend in Canada is to spray yourself (or your buddy) with body spray and set it on fire. Now, as a practicing pyromaniac, I can understand the fun with lighters and any type of aerosol spray, but I usually burned stuff other than myself. A small flame only irritates, a big ball of fire has a tendency to hurt.

Last month in Italy, they had a pasta strike. The price has gotten high, so don't buy it. At least they were smart enough to admit that a one day strike to change economic conditions is completely bogus and won't work (remember that when you get the email telling you not to buy gas on a certain day). However, what got me was the fact that strike organizers were setting up "emergency stands offering free bread and milk" for people suffering withdrawal. You have got to be kidding me. As one who has some Italian ancestry (well, that one guy who came over in the early 20th century to play a harp at a restaurant in Nashville and somehow ended up in Madisonville), I am embarrassed for the land of my forefather. Either you are too weak to go a day without pasta or you are too stupid to buy something else. They should be so proud.

There is something seriously wrong with this country when activists are trying to keep the Bowery in New York from changing. When an area of town is known for its "squalor", I have to think very few people will miss it.

Oklahoma winning the Red River Shootout over Texas reminded me of this story. Some dude was wearing a Longhorns T-shirt in an Oklahoma City bar (not the brightest move, but this is America and he has that right). He gets into a fight with an Oklahoma fan (and deacon of a church) and ends up with a torn scrotal sack (which pains me just typing those words). Got to love the picture in the article. Actually, considering how intense that rivalry can be, only tearing apart someone's manhood is probably seen as the Christian thing to do.

I realize I don't have a small wireless device, so checking my email while sitting on the john would be problematic unless I wanted to take my laptop in there. Since I don't really find the toilet seat that comfortable and surfing dirty websites might keep me in there for awhile, I probably won't be taking my laptop in there any time soon. However, I don't understand why someone would need to check his/her email while taking a dump. Can't you wait a few minutes until you are done?

News of the Week

Ah, so nice to be back in civilization. North Carolina was nice. NC State has a nice stadium even though they don't serve booze. However, like WVU, they allow people to get stamped, leave and come back in. I think it's pretty obvious that people are leaving to drink. Does it make sense to not serve beer inside where the price will make people sip it, but let people go outside where they will most likely chug it to get as many down as possible? Who do you think are the bigger risks?

My tickets were in the lower corner section which gives you a pretty crappy angle, but on the plus side, the UL cheerleaders and dance team were about 20 feet away from me. Now, I wouldn't have minded being in the end zone section because on the other side of the end zone tunnel were some NC State students including a hot blond in tight short-shorts and a tied up T-shirt. My options were to squint hard or borrow my uncle's binoculars and look like a total pervert. I don't know why he kept complaining. I only used them during TV timeouts.

But on to the news. Some French mayor in Paris wanted to use a stinkbomb to run the homeless out of his suburb. Why the Hell would that work? If you have a lot of homeless around, how is a stinkbomb going to make the stench worse?

Johnson City, TN had a little problem going on. Well, other than its location in Eastern Tennessee. Apparently some of the city parks were gay cruising spots including one place infamously called the Man Cave. I still don't see the appeal of sex in a public toilet (or sex with men). When I think public toilet, the concept of dirty, nasty, dingy, smelly hole comes to mind which may explain the gay pickup aspect to it. One of the detainees was 85. Cruising for gay sex at 85? I guess I have to admire his energy. It wasn't just the pickup part of it that led to arrests. Some investigators were groped. How do you get undercover cops to go out on this assignment in the future? Hey, want to get your junk grabbed by a senior citizen?

When I think about the defenders of chastity and wholesomeness, the first ones I think of are flight attendants. When I first heard the story of the female passenger who was almost left off a Southwest flight for wearing an outfit that was too revealing, I wondered where the Hell women like that are when I fly. I always get stuck next to someone's grandmother or a screaming brat. Then I saw the outfit and realized someone had lost their friggin mind. I think they sell sluttier outfits at Gap For Kids. I'm also curious about why every story about the incident made a point to mention that she works part-time at Hooters. I could see the point of that if she'd worn her Hooters' outfit (too bad for her Hooters Air went out of business or she wouldn't have a problem), but otherwise, it doesn't really have a point. Oh well, at least Southwest hasn't started sacrificing goats.

When I think about an air guitar championship, the first word that comes to mind is LOSER. When I was seven, I used to play a tennis racket along with Chipmunks albums. Should I try out for this crap? Then I read that the winner gets a custom made guitar. Does anyone think he actually knows how to play a guitar?

I thought this story of a college student killing her roommate was sad. Then I noticed that they were part of a program "to help American Indians adapt to college life". I think that program may need some refinement unless the fact that she didn't scalp her (gratuitous ethnic remark) is a sign of adaptation. Another nice college story was about two guys busted for drugs at Northeastern. Apparently, one of them yelled outside his window that they had some pot for sale. No word yet whether they were studying agriculture or economics. Does make me question the standards at that school if two people that dumb are let in.

I love Youtube. Every gaff someone on air makes is saved for posterity. This was one of the better ones as a local newscaster tells the inspiring story of a man who overcame a handicap to climb Mt. Everest. His handicap? Gayness. Or blindness. They never did finish the story. I'm thinking blindness, because every knows homos have trouble climbing mountains. They have bad wrists.

This was a funny story, complete with pictures. Bear falls off bridge. Bear catches himself. Bear spends night on bridge struts. Bear gets drugged and pushed into a net. I like the fact that they left him up there and assumed he wouldn't be there the next day. Were there a bunch of drunks underneath screaming "Jump. Jump. Jump"?

There are certain stories that are so horrible that I think really hard before I write about them. This week, it was the report that Whoopi Goldberg announced on The Spew that she wanted to have a threesome with Nancy Pelosi and her husband. Give me second to finish dry heaving. Make it several minutes. God, I hope this never happens. Or at least a video of it never makes it out. Accidentally seeing it could make me join a monastery. On the plus side, at least The View got rid of that mouthy dyke with a penchant for making inappropriate comments on the show. Well, the white one anyway.

Maybe the thought of that threesome drove this guy to suicide. Time frame makes that unlikely. How long does it take to make a guillotine? And why not just get some pills? Plus, that's pretty low making a big disgusting beheading scene. Somebody has to find it. Someone else has to clean it up. Show some damn courtesy.

Why would someone steal a rabbit from a preschool? Well, unless they ate him. Rabbit is still a popular dish in France. Maybe some homeless Frenchman were driven away by a stinkbomb, ended up in Spokane and stole a rabbit for dinner. Hey, it could happen. Actually, my favorite part of the story was how PETA wouldn't endorse rabbit theft, but didn't seem to condemn it (obviously unaware of the of the French homeless dinner theory soon to be spreading on the internet).

Another sad story. This one about teenage boys in the semi-outlawed version of Mormonism being booted out of their home for alleged disobedience. Since this particular branch of the church believes in multiple wives (but not multiple husbands), disobedience is being born male. Stands to figure if you want a bunch of wives, get rid of the competition. I've always said one should be suspicious of a religious sect that has major tenets that seem to have been founded strictly to get the church leadership laid (blog on the Church of Marc coming soon).

Speaking of sects that were founded on the leader getting laid, a Saudi husband used Islamic law to divorce his wife. Usually the grounds for divorce are "she got fat", but in this case, it was all about infidelity. His wife was watching a male TV host. Alone. Unfortunately, she should probably consider herself lucky it was just divorce.

But for every divorce, there is a marriage. Well, statistically, that may not be true in this day and age, but nice thought. In this case, a 24 year old man married an 82 year old woman. The article doesn't mention the most pertinent question. How much was she worth? Well, that and whether or not they plan to have kids.

Finally, the midpoint between marriage and divorce. An affair. This was between a Colorado judge and prosecutor. I freely admit I may not be up on all the areas of judicial ethics, but there definitely seems to be a conflict of interest.

Dirty Sex News

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UL Vs. UK - PostGame Analysis

It would have been a much more entertaining game for me if UL had won. As an uninterested party, I would have really enjoyed it. Football weather. Under the lights (I love night games). Dance team right in front of my section. Maybe not that great in the stands. I guess I'm spoiled because my seat at Cardinal Stadium is a chairback (all the seats at Cardinal Stadium are chairbacks) which is a lot more comfortable than the metal bleachers of death at Commonwealth Stadium. Side note: I followed UL to Kansas State last year, and KSU still uses wooden bleachers which are also more comfortable than metal ones. Upkeep is probably harder is the reason people don't use them. One nice thing being in the visitor's section of Commonwealth is that they are on the end zone, and the bathrooms don't have long lines. Actually, I always find it humorous being in that section of Commonwealth. Visitors get tickets in the NW corner of the stadium, because those aren't seen as premium seats. Yet, we get the same angle view as the people who paid a lot of money to get a luxury suite since UK put those in the corners.

Unfortunately, my concern over UL's defense was greatly justified. As I mentioned in my preview, the players and coaches haven't changed much, but something is different. There has to be something in the scheme, because UL should not have dropped off this much in that area. There's little things like the defensive line shot the gaps to get penetration last year. Now, they initiate contact with the offensive line. That style can work if your linebackers are penetrating the line. It doesn't work if you don't blitz on pass plays or your back seven are routinely out of position. That's the most irritating problem with this defense - guys not seeming to know where they are supposed to be. Last week, Middle Tennessee had a 52 yard pass play because no UL defensive back went with the wide receiver who split out wide. MTSU didn't even have a passing play, but switched to one because there was no one within 30 yards of the guy. This week, UK wins the game on a 57 yard pass to a receiver who was 10 yards beyond a prevent defense. I have no idea how the Hell that could happen.

As to the rest of the game, my worst fear came through. I don't think UL's new coach, Steve Kragthorpe, is very good. To put it in perspective, I thought UK coach Rich Brooks made some stunningly bad decisions. When the option is not your base offense, you should never run it on a 4th and one because you're putting your running back too far behind the line of scrimmage. UK scored a touchdown with less than a minute left to take a five point lead. UK kicked a meaningless extra point instead of going for two for a seven point lead. I haven't seen the tape yet, but apparently UK kept switching their kickoff return men which kills consistency. Yet, even with all that, Brooks clearly outcoached Kragthorpe.

The smartest thing that Brooks did was having Andre Woodson take a three step drop and throw quickly. Since UL wasn't blitzing or trying to shoot gaps, it made for a quick play so that that UK's inexperience on the offensive line was negated. UL never adjusted their defense to that. I'm not sure they ever blitzed. For some reason, UL also kept their cornerbacks well off the receivers at the line of scrimmage (about 10 yards). UK receivers simply went downfield 8 yards and caught a pass. This means Woodson only averaged 9 yards per completion (by contrast Brian Brohm had 13) even with that 57 yard touchdown pass. In fact, outside of that pass, I'm not sure Woodson had another completion more than 15 yards. Why would he since UL was going to let him throw 7 and 8 yard passes to wide open receivers? An average quarterback could do that, so why was UL giving that opportunity to an above average one?

I might have been OK with the poor defensive coaching, because Kragthorpe's specialty is offense. Supposedly. Let's see how that went. UK gave up 124 yards to Kent State's running back last week. In the first half. UL made no real effort to establish the run. Even though Anthony Allen had two rushes that went for less than 4 yards in the first half, he only got 9 carries. UL had a 2 to 1 pass ration against a poor run defense. That's insane. Even when passing, they kept calling deep passes. To begin with, that puts your quarterback in danger because he's holding the ball too long waiting for the receiver to get separation. Secondly, it's low percentage. Add to it some really dumb decisions. Going for the touchdown on 4th and goal from the one makes sense. Going for it from the six when you're only down five with over nine minutes left is flat stupid. However, the worst was using two timeouts on UL's last touchdown and the follow up two point try. UL had a two yard run right up the gut for the touchdown and tried a fade pass for the conversion attempt. Not exactly the type plays you need to use a timeout to set up. Timeouts that would have certainly been handy when they got the ball back at the end.

Let's see how well I did on the preview. Obviously had the winner wrong. I was right when it came to my concern about coaching. As expected, both quarterbacks played well. Anthony Allen and Rafael Little actually averaged about the same yards per carry, but UK was smart enough to establish the run. What a concept. You have a good running back. Use him. I wonder if UL would have done different if Brock Bolen and Sergio Spencer had played. At receiver, Harry Douglas was clearly the best receiver on the field. Mario Urrutia was not. He doesn't drop three (at least) passes (including one on the two yard line), it's a different game. Ironically, Keenan Burton wasn't the big play receiver I feared. He did a good job moving the ball, but Steve Johnson was the big play guy (although it's easy to get open when no one actually guards you). Tough to tell on offensive line. UL's was actually fine. They gave up three sacks, but it was usually Brohm holding the ball too long. On most plays, he had all day. Woodson got the ball out so quickly, the UK line wasn't tested.

What does it mean for the future? UK should be in good shape for the rest of the year. LSU and Florida look out of reach. I guarantee that Arkansas will run the ball against UK, so that could be a problem. Georgia and South Carolina are on the road so that could be an issue. However, Mississippi State, Vandy and even Tennessee look beatable. Win those, take care of Florida Atlantic, and pull off one more upset, you've got 8 wins. As for UL, I have no idea. If I had just seen the box score of the game, I wouldn't be bothered so much. UK played well. They got turnovers while UL didn't. Turnovers are game changers. Yet, watching the game, I cannot get over how unorganized UL's team looks this year compared to last year's. The defense was actually better compared to MTSU even with the last blown coverage. Still, I don't think UK is as good as West Virginia, Rutgers or even South Florida. Hell, Cincinnati even looks tough. If UL doesn't fix some of their game management problems, they could be in trouble.

UL Vs. UK

Well, I guess I have to make a prediction on the UL/UK football game. Past few years it has been pretty easy as UL was clearly the more talented team. Plus, they had the edge in coaching. A lot of people (even a lot of UL fans) didn’t like Bobby Petrino because he could be an ass. I liked him because he was shark. He was there to win, and that’s what he did. Even better, when we’d lose (only 9 times in four years), he didn’t make excuses. He just fixed the problem. Unfortunately, I’m not sure the new guy has that type of killer instinct. His record indicates that he’s a good coach, but I’m not sure he has that extra edge.

And as I said, the talent level isn’t as far apart as it has been in the past, especially in the offensive backfield. Mainly because Andre Woodson got good last year. I still think Brian Brohm is better than Woodson, but it’s not like night and day as it was two years ago. Woodson actually had the higher stats last year, but that was because UK was throwing a lot. UL had 35 rushing touchdowns (57 total) which wasn’t much fewer than UK’s 43 total (31 passing, 12 rushing). Still, a hot Woodson is definitely dangerous. Running backs are pretty even, just different. For UK, Rafael Little, Tony Dixon and Alfonso Smith are good. I think the one drawback to them is they are essentially the same type of runner. With UL, they’ve got pounders in Anthony Allen and Brock Bolen, and then speed backs in Sergio Spencer and George Stripling. Ironically, it was big back Allen who ran for 275 yards this past week. After that 275 yards, I would normally give UL the edge. However, Bolen and Spencer got dinged against MTSU, and UL’s new coach is highly secretive about injuries. If they don’t play, that gives the edge to UK.

Also on offense are the receivers. Another area that UK got better at last year. Keenan Burton is a stud, while Dicky Lyons has become pretty good. For UL, Mario Urrutia is like Burton. Tall and fast. Unlike Burton, the jump ball isn’t his forte. He gets the most press because of his pro potential, but Harry Douglas is actually the best receiver out of the four. He averaged over 18 yards per reception while going for 1265 yards. He can go deep or across the middle. UK has a preseason all-SEC tight end in Jacob Tamme, but I still give UL the edge with Gary Barnidge. Last year, he was in an offense that didn’t emphasize tight ends, yet he was only one reception behind Tamme but had 125 more yards and twice as many touchdowns (4-2). Now, he’s in an offense that does go to the tight end more, and he’s got 4 touchdowns already.

Then there is the offensive line. I give a huge edge to Louisville’s offensive line. They’ve got three full time starters returned from last year’s strong offensive line. Another player was last year’s top reserve and a part time starter. They’ve allowed no sacks this year while blowing open holes so that Allen gained 275 yards. On the other side is UK’s line. It wasn’t that good last year (gave up 39 sacks). The other problem is the five combined for 16 starts before this season. However, 12 were by Garry Williams. Guard Jason Leger had three last year, but he started the season as a defensive tackle. New tackle Justin Jefferies was playing defensive line last year, and Zipp Duncan was a tight end. Starting center Eric Scott got one start last year, but the year before, he was a tight end. That’s not to say they won’t be good, because plenty of good offensive linemen started at other positions. However, getting good with such a quick change isn’t going to be easy. They’ve already given up six sacks in two games.

Now, defense has suddenly become interesting. Before the season, I would have clearly listed UL. UK had a terrible defense last year, while UL’s was their best in years. UL did lose some people (Amobi Okoye was a first round pick), but all of their starters and many of their reserves played last year. The defensive coordinator stayed, so I rationally thought defense wouldn’t be an issue. Then Middle Tenn. rolled up 555 yards on them in week 2. Not exactly the performance I was expecting. On the other hand, UK gave up over 300 yards rushing to Kent State. If not for poor clock management, a dumb interception and an unforced fumble by Kent, UK could have easily been down three touchdowns in the first half. Now, both teams regrouped in the second half and allowed only one more touchdown, but it does raise the issue of 77-73 shootout. As a UL fan, I do have one thing to hold onto. These guys have performed well defensively in the past, so the problems could be correctable. UK struggled defensively last year, and while they may have improved, how much?

It is an interesting game. With it being the third game of the year, I should have more information before making a prediction, but the defensive turds from week two actually make it harder. UK’s offensive improvement last year and UL’s defensive regression this year add to the problem. The fact that it’s played at Commonwealth Stadium certainly makes a UK win more possible. However, I still think UL is going to pull it out. Unlike a lot of rapid Louisville fans, I’m not going to predict a four touchdown win, but I would certainly feel comfortable taking UL and give the 6 ½ point spread.

College Football

After watching UL hang 73 points on Murray State (it could easily have been 100), I was originally going to say that you can't take away much info when a BCS level team beats a I-AA team (now stupidly called Football Championship Subdivision by the NCAA). UL and UK fans were going to have to wait until next week when they play Middle Tenn and Kent State respectively to really begin to get an idea how good they can be. Then division I-AA Appalachian State goes to the University of Michigan and beats the fifth ranked Wolverines in front of 110,000 people. I'm sure soon-to-be-ex-head-coach Lloyd Carr is bitching at his athletic director wanting to know why they traded an opening game with Vanderbilt to one with Appalachian State. In fact, if I was App. State, I would cash that $400,000 check that Michigan paid them for the game before Michigan puts a stop payment for it. In theory, big teams pay small teams to come play them so they can get an easy win. Sounds like App. State breached the unwritten language. So, I have to change my opinion. You can tell something when a "top" I-A team loses to any I-AA team. Michigan sucks.

I remember Appalachian State from when my father was in the military science department at Tenn-Chattanooga which was a Southern Conference rival of App. State. They always had good teams, but that was for a I-AA squad. Schools in I-AA can only give 63 scholarships (I-A can give up to 85) and just don't have the exposure to get the top quality players. This was a point completely lost on Lou Holtz who is without a doubt the worst commentator in college football. He tried to say Michigan shouldn't be dropped in the polls because they were just having a bad day and there's lots of parity in college football. I would have dropped Michigan out of the top 25 even if they had pulled out a last second win. There's a certain amount of parity among conferences, but there is no parity between Division I-A and I-AA. Michigan has more money, better recruits and more players. While I wouldn't bet on Appalachian State beating Michigan in more than two out of ten games, it was really strange to see that App. State simply looked faster than Michigan. The Wolverines just lost and it shows that deep down, Michigan sucks.

Even stupider was Holtz and some others I heard on the radio or TV who weren't sure if this was the biggest upset they'd ever seen. One radio guy referred to it as "the upset of the day and possibly the season". Way to go out on a limb. No I-AA team had ever beaten a ranked I-A team. Ever. This was the fifth ranked team that had a bunch of top players returning because they wanted to win a national championship. Fortunately, even with the bizarre BCS system in college football, a suck ass team doesn't play for the national championship. Except Ohio State last year which lends credence to my theory that the Big 10 is consistently the most overrated conference in football. Still, they shouldn't be losing to the Appalachian State's of the world. So, yes, it was certainly the biggest upset of my lifetime.

I didn't see what Holtz had to say about another traditional "power", Notre Dame, getting their asses handed to them by a supposedly inferior team like Georgia Tech. I can't stand his voice or the stupidity that often emanates from it. I think the fact that Notre Dame scored only 3 points (at home) with an "offensive genius" as a head coach can only mean one thing: Notre Dame sucks, too. That Michigan-Notre Dame game in two weeks is looking like must-miss TV.

Some might call me heartless (although that wouldn't explain the stabbing chest pains when I eat a Grand Slam breakfast), but I kind of got sick of the whole healing powers of Virginia Tech football after that shooting last spring. I understand big group events can be cathartic, and Tech football is a major campus institution. However, the shooting was almost five months ago and there were massive campus rallies after that. I guess my biggest problem was ESPN beating the story to death. They made it seem like not rooting for a Virginia Tech win would just plain mean. The trouble with rooting for Virginia Tech is that another major sports story involved Tech's most famous football alumni, Michael Vick. Plus, Viriginia Tech served as a long time enabler to multiple offender Marcus Vick for quite some time.

Tennessee's success in getting blown out by Cal shows why SEC teams really don't like to go on the road against good teams. Actually, it explains why they don't go on the road against good teams too often. Outside of Tennessee and LSU, the only SEC teams who routinely face good teams on the road are UK, Florida, Georgia and South Carolina, but only because they are practically forced to play in-state, out-of-conference rivals every year. It makes it easier to claim your conference is as strong as the NFC South when you only play each other and a bunch of scrubs then get confused when you go 3-3 in bowl games like 2005.

The fact that Auburn had to reach down to escape Kansas State at home probably means SEC teams are going to also try to get out of playing home games against even decent teams. They needed the crowd noise and home town officiating (if Florida can't get a call at Auburn, Kansas State certainly can't) to squeak out this win. Of course, Auburn has a rep for not going on the road to face tough teams. Not surprising, they've only had four out-of-conference road games in the past 10 years. The only game out of those four that they won was at Virginia in 1997. Auburn also has a rep for scheduling good teams (ie Fla St, Miami) and canceling later. UL called about Auburn having an opening on their schedule this year, but Auburn refused to agree to a return trip to Louisville so we passed on it. I've watched Tennessee, Miami, Florida State, Penn State, Texas, Texas A&M and other big programs play in Louisville (some at the old crappy fairgrounds stadium), but Auburn is "too good" to play at Louisville. Maybe I would be more impressed with them if they had won more than one SEC title since I graduated from high school. Ironically, that year they went undefeated, but missed out on playing for the BCS Championship because their out-of-conference cupcakes hurt their strength of schedule so they were behind other undefeated teams.

Even though Michigan lost to a I-AA team, I still don't think much can be learned from UL and UK beating up Murray and EKU. To begin with, EKU is decent, but they haven't even won their conference since 1997. Murray won it in 2002, but have been in a slide since. So, neither is near as good as App. State. Some have tried to find issues with both squads based on their first game. Reporters have made the point that Murray used short passes on their only two drives that went anywhere, so if UK (who likes those passes) had played them, they would have eaten that up. Well, is anyone stupid enough to think that UL would have played the same defense against UK? I didn't see a single blitz or even much stunting. Coaches don't just shut the offensive playbook when they face an overmatched opponent. They don't show much on defense either. By the same token, UK's biggest offensive concern is the inexperience on offensive line. Giving up a couple of sacks early like they did against EKU could indicate a season long problem. However, while I think the line is a big question mark for them, I can't say lack of ability was a bigger problem than overlooking a lesser opponent. So, I'll wait until after next week's game before doing any analysis of these two teams.